Dear Santa,

I know it's a few weeks away from your global journey, and your sleigh is already packed, but please, I desperately need you to bring me the following things on your big journey.

First of all, people don't seem to have as much respect for me as they once did. They constantly criticize and impugn my hard work. They say and write awful things about me and everyone I am associated with. Honestly Santa, and I'm sure you can relate with this one, I feel like they don't believe in me anymore.

My son doesn't seem to have the passion & drive to inherit the company that I have spilled my own blood, sweat & tears to build. My wife is aging faster than a Big Show title reign. And to top it off, my daughter is nailing the help. So my first item on my list is free consultation with Dr. Phil.

Now Santa, before you put me on your naughty list, I can explain...Yes I do have a child molester on my payroll in the form of Jerry Lawler, but I get a kick out of him when he screams puppies for 2 hours straight. And yes I have to have Johnny Ace walk Randy Orton on a leash at least twice an hour, because if I don't, he seems to **** in the diva's gym bags. So please, you MUST understand my frustrations.

Yes, I did air a necrophilia skit on my flagship show, but it was merely to release my sexual frustration because I have been banging a dead trout for so many years. So I would like either a fountain of youth for my wife, or gastric bypass surgery for Tammy "Sunny" Sytch, beause she would at least move a bit when she was skinny.

Santa, after years and years of bad ratings and months and months of atrocious buy rates, I cannot seem to find out where I have gone wrong, so if you can magically make this 1997 again, I promise not to let Bret screw himself and continue to make me millions of dollars.

Santa I don't claim to be an angel, but in my business if I wanted to be one, I could. But the one thing that I truly wish you give me, is the grapefruits to tell my son-in-law to piss off and give me my family and company back. I never liked that hook nose anyway, but it was a clique thing in 1996 that got way out of control. But I know better now.

St. Nick, I am at your mercy. Please do what you can for a man that has made so many dreams come true for so many people. Even if you can't give J.R. the feeling back in his face, please, please help me get my company back on track, because I have a family to feed and crummy billion dollars isn't going to to get the job done.

P.S. Sorry about the stunner Steve gave you a few years ago, I thought it would help us win ratings. Santa, I'm depending on you. The whole WWE "Universe" is depending on you.

Sincerely,
VKM