as i sat in the silent area of the library at college today, i had a suspicious feeling of deja - vu. Being my first day back that's not good. At the end of last term i said to myself "next year is going to be different, you are going to be confident, you are going to be commited, you are going to speak to people, you can do this!" all fine goals to be sure - in theory. so why did i find myself hiding again as i had the previous two years of college? well let me tell you:

1) i was wearing a skirt, the less people who see me in in a skirt the better, for everyone!

2) i had a free lesson and no one to spend it with

3) i was avoiding bumping into a "friend" of mine, our friendship hangs in a delicate balance at the moment anything i say or do could result in extreme verbal abuse via text message and ultimately the end of said friendship            

and 4) i hadn't kept the promise i made to myself at the end of last year.

i had left the house feeling great, survived the bus journey, and arrived at the college gate to a court yard full of first years. Gulp. Suddenly i was a paranoid wreck , tugging at my skirt for fear that my underware was showing, clutching my oversized fashion statement handbag like my life depended on it and wondering "why in the world did i decide to wear the tattiest pair of shoes i own?!"

the first day back is always disarming, but as a third year it's supposed to be me inducing fear into the newbies not the other way around! truth is kids are getting cockier and b****er, the judgemental glances, snide remarks and general disdain for my apperance reduces my already zero self confidence and esteem way into the minus numbers.

so as i promised myself, tomorrow would see my great change, i felt mildly optimistic. after all im a third year i have the upper hand, the knowledge of how things work and tomorrow is tuesday. i like tuesdays.