WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho tells us that he's the best @ what he does, but that's besides the point @ the present time, as in 2 weeks' time, WWE debuts another new pay-per-view, RAW versus Smackdown, where the main event will be pitting the best of both shows against each other in a 7-on-7 Tag Team match; as the WWE Unified Tag Team champions, he & the Big Show represent both shows, but 1st & foremost a proud member of the Smackdown roster, so he's been named the captain of Team Smackdown, leaving it up to him to assemble the best team possible to embarrass & soundly beat the 7 hosers representing Monday nights; excuse her, here comes Celebrity Guest Host Nancy O'Dell, declaring that they're not gonna be starting RAW with the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah, they're gonna start with D-Generation X, so have a good night, okay? . . . ; meanwhile, HHH Breaks it Down to the ring, where he calls the timekeeper into the ring to do the 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels running-around-the-Game shtick, finally getting the boot when he does it particularly horribly; the Cerebral Assassin's gonna do things a little differently, because tonight's not a normal night for him, he has to do all the schlocky DX stuff himself. . . for the 1,000s in attendance, the 1,000,000s watching around the world & for the HeartBreak Kid who's still @ home. . . well, that just leaves HHH with 2 simple choices, either A) leave it @ that & choose Team RAW by himself, or B) he can be a true friend & call Shawn @ home & badger him, so since he's not the most tech-savvy guy on the planet. . . now let's see, Speed Dial "HBK" & let's put it on Speaker. . . which Michaels must be regretting around about now, as his outgoing message's him singing about being on the other line or not @ home, so leave him a message & he'll call back @ a later time, 'cause he's a Texty Boy- hello, hello, you didn't hear that message did you? . . . the Game's standing here with about 15,000 members of the DX Army & they all wanna know where the hell he is. . . well, his daughter got sick today, so he's just now getting the vomit out of his hair & put his girl down for the night, having just read her a story; say, it wasn't a story from the new "Unauthorized History of D-Generation X" book, available @ all fine bookstores now, was it? . . . naw, he wouldn't read that kinda stuff to his daugh- err, he mean, yes, yes he did, what child wouldn't want to hear about how her father once used to stick the heads of his opponents up the posteriors of other wrestlers on a regular basis; well, the Cerebral Assassin'll let HBK go deal with his family, so the RAW Universe says goodbye to the 2016 WWE Hall of Famer, so now it's time for HHH to move onto Bragging Rights; speaking of which, here come the WWE Unified Tag Team champions, who have no interest in holding up the new DX book & smiling into the camera, instead Y2J states that, now that the Cerebral Assassin's out here by himself, without the defensive line from the Pittsburgh Steelers, it's a much fairer fight in Jericho's eyes; since he's been named the team captain of Smackdown, the show that just celebrated its 10th anniversary, has more episodes than Cheers & Seinfeld & is obviously better because the &@220;berStar of Jerichlean Proportions is on it; yeah, HHH agrees, it's a great show, with a spineless General Manager who does whatever WWE Owner Vince McMahon says, features a grumpy little troll who runs his mouth off all the time {yeah, that's you TBS!} & features great wrestling by superb athletes like the Great Khali, a show that's clearly not even in the same league as RAW; well, it's clear that Team Smackdown already has the upper hand, since it's headed by a paragon of virtue like the King of My World, instead of being lead by a coupla middle-aged delinquents; because he's the team captain, even though his fellow WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion may technically be a part of the RAW-ster, Jericho wants him on Team Smackdown; so that's how it is, is it, when Chris says jump, TBS says how high, is that how the JeriShow works; naw, that's now what Y2J said, the Big Show ain't nobody's follower; well, since the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah's pitching all these ideas out here, that must mean that the former WCW Giant's the catcher, which infuriates the Big Show something fierce; no, they're equals, but truth be told, it's TBS who carries the team, he's not the 1 who got pinned last week. . . yeah, well, Jericho's not the 1 who was the laughing stock of SportsCenter after Celebrity Guest Host Shaquille O'Neill beat his arse. . . well, @ least Shaq's 7' tall & Big Show didn't get punked out by a 200-year-old fossil named Bob Barker; Jericho said that he'd fight Barker anytime, anyplace, anywhere, TBS also knows that he's the best in the world @ what he does & look what he's done with the former WCW & WWF Heavyweight champion, he's a new man, new outfit, new outlook on life, he's a new man ~ he's no longer known as the guy who got knocked out @ WrestleMania 24 by Floyd Mayweather; as both men have heated words without their mics, suddenly TBS declares that he doesn't wanna be on Team Smackdown @ Bragging Rights, he wants to be on Team RAW, so there, nyah; now, wait a second, HHH just wants to make sure that he gets this straight, the WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion wants off of Team Smackdown & onto Team RAW, well that's awesome, except that there are no slots open. . . but he's been talking to the Celebrity Guest Host tonight & he's been given the authority to allow TBS onto Team RAW if he wins his match tonight. . . against WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho, right now; "BRAGGING RIGHTS ~ TEAM RAW" QUALIFYING MATCH: WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion the Big Show beats WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho via Countout {PSYCHOLOGY: well, then! . . .}; after the match, Access Celebrity Backstage Correspondent Maria Menoudos bothers Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior, the latter stating that he's feeling pretty good tonight, considering that he wasn't the 1 who was carried off on a stretcher last week. . . simmer down, now, Cody's feeling alright, he's more than able to compete here tonight, they both feel like they deserve to be on Team RAW, but unfortunately that won't be possible, since D-Generation X have been put in charge of the qualifying matches for Team RAW & they've both been put into a Triple-Threat match, the winner of which will be entered into Team RAW; alright, alright, so who's the 3rd opponent? . . . John Cena, of course!
RAW DIVAS TITLE MATCH: Jillian Hall defeats champion Mickie James with a Powerbomb & Her Feet on The Ropes {PSYCHOLOGY: WHAAAAAAAAAA?!?!?!?!?}; after the match, Jillian calls for everybody to grab their cameras, photographers should gather around, to get a load of their new Divas champion; there's only 1 thing that would make this moment better, so she's gonna sing her new favourite song, Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi"; Celebrity Guest Host Nancy O'Dell saunters out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where she blissfully interrupts the new Divas champion, her ears are hurting so badly right now. . . but you see, Nancy made a call to the other 2 General Managers & made a few Diva trades, namely Hall's opponent, who she has to defend her newly-won title against, right now; RAW DIVAS TITLE MATCH: Melina Perez pins champion Jillian Hall with a 'Last Call' Flipping Sitout Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: arguably, the shortest title reign in WWE history!}
a video package plays, advertizing Bragging Rights, live on pay-per-view, October 25th
DID YOU KNOW. . . www.WWEClassics.com is the only place you can watch the 1st 100 episodes of Monday Night RAW! . . . ; betcha Snoop Dogg knew that, as he's next week's Celebrity Guest Host from Jacksonville next week
backstage, HHH's on Speakerphone with 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, telling him that it's essentially them, WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion the Big Show & possibly either Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase Junior or John Cena; say, why's Shawn's music playing, he's not there. . . oh the Game's god, it's Hornswaggle dressed as a miniature HeartBreak Kid; now look here, buddy, the Cerebral Assassin saw Horny doing the crotch chop last week & now he's dressed like HBK, that's gimmick infringement pal & he's not gonna stand for it; after Michaels sees the midget on his TV, dressed in his clothes, he calls for the Cerebral Assassin to get that clothes off of him, but before HHH can act, "Horn Michaels" delivers a Superkick to a cardboard stand-up of the 2016 WWE Hall of Famer, dropping the stiff in 1 blow
in the Celebrity Guest Host's office, Nancy O'Dell & Maria Menoudos consider themselves basked in, as Santino Marella can't believe that he's in the presence of the Sexy Superfan of the Month from WWE Magazine. . . but maybe he can become the latest male anchor for Access Hollywood, check this out. . . "could it be, Judge Reinhold & Fred Savage in Somehting-or-Other-I-Couldn't-Make-Out, stay tuned to Access Hollywood for more information". . . in storms "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix, who can't believe what she just heard, she's been traded to Smackdown, she's not gonna calm down, O'Dell has to get on the phone with Smackdown GM Theodore R. Long & get her traded back to RAW; well, from what Maria's heard, every Diva's rather excited about her getting traded off of RAW, but all that does is irk the former Women's champion, asking if Menoudos even knows what she can do to a scrawny waif like her; hang on, Santino pipes up, Maria's not scared of Phoenix, it's been her long-time dream to compete in WWE, c'mon Nancy, make it happen. . . well, she doesn't know- then it's official! . . . & another thing, every time that they were intimate, Marella faked every organism!
a video package plays, hyping WrestleMania 26 tickets being on sale in 26 days
RAW 1st HOUR MAIN EVENT, TRIPLE THREAT "BRAGGING RIGHTS ~ TEAM RAW" QUALIFYING MATCH: Cody Rhodes versus John Cena versus Ted DiBiase Junior; the Son of the Son of a Plumber beats the $1,000,000 Son with a Roll-Up {PSYCHOLOGY: whoa, nice!}; after the match, Celebrity Guest Host Nancy O'Dell declares that, since Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ aren't exactly getting along right now, why don't they take on another Tag Team that's definitely not getting along @ present ~ John Cena & Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton!
"BRAGGING RIGHTS ~ TEAM RAW" QUALIFYING MATCH: "All-American American" Jack Swagger defeats Montell Vontavius Porter with an 'Orthodontist's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: so Swagger joins D-Generation X, Cody Rhodes & WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion the Big Show on Team RAW so far!}
backstage, Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton gets between his Lega¢¥ teammates, tonight he's not gonna be teaming with John Cena & he's not gonna allow Celebrity Guest Host Nancy O'Dell to dictate their futures, he's simply not gonna tag in, making it effectively a Handicap Match; it's clear to Ted DiBiase Junior that Cody Rhodes' more concerned about what'll happen to him if he happens to pin both Orton & DiBiase in the same night. . . oh yeah, well, Ted's concerned about how the only way to redeem himself's to pin Randy himself. . . guys, guys, guys, if either of them are thinking any of those things, they'd better keep on thinking
"BRAGGING RIGHTS ~ TEAM RAW" QUALIFYING MATCH: Kofi Kingston pins Evan Bourne with a 'Trouble in Paradise' Xuanfengjiao Tornado Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: boom, boom, boom ~ that leaves the final team member, to be determined on Superstars Thursday!}
WWE Magazine presents "the History of WWE", available now @ www.WWEShop.com
in the locker room, HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels are still talking on the phone, while the cardboard stand-up of the Showstopper {all bandaged up, as though really feeling any pain!} stands looking all forlorn. . . when Celebrity Guest Host Nancy O'Dell steps in with Maria Menoudos, asking the Game if she's ready for her match against "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix, she's been reading "The Unauthorized Biography of DX" for the past 20 minutes, as well as the 2 kicks how to put the Cerebral Assassin in a headlock for 20 minutes; naw, naw, she's ready, now what can HHH do for Chavo Guerrero? . . . he's onto the Game, he saw Hornswaggle giving the crotch chop last week after defeating Chavito Heat, he saw the leprechaun dressed like HBK earlier tonight, what are they up to? . . . naw, naw, the Cerebral Assassin hates that troll as much as Chavo does, he's lucky DX doesn't sue him for copyright infringement; Guerrero doesn't believe the King of Kings, he's way more talented than WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion the Big Show, he can fly higher than Kofi Kingston, he's way cuter than Cody Rhodes, he should be the captain of the team; well, Menoudos practices 1 of her kicks onto the cajones ~ you know, the general cockular area ~ of the Lone Warrior, dropping him like a bag of potatoes
DID YOU KNOW. . . more people watched ECWWE last Tuesday, than any other program on A&E, ABC Family, TLC & ESPN! . . . ; betcha these 6 Divas knew that, as they sexy on down to the ring for the following 6-DIVAS TAG TEAM MATCH: Seriously? . . . (Alicia Fox & Master/Slave {"Glamazon" Beth Phoenix & Rosa Mendes}) versus A Sorry Excuse To Allow a Celebrity to Wrestle (Maria Menoudos & K³ {Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim}); K² beats Mendes with a Legdrop {PSYCHOLOGY: a legdrop! . . .}
United States champion Mike "The Miz" Mizanin saunters down onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where he demands respect for his new title, then declares that in 2 weeks time @ Bragging Rights, he'll be facing the Smackdown Intercontinental champion John Morrison, for the 1st time since they split up; they won numerous Tag Team titles together, but while the Miz was clearly the talent of the duo, the former ECWWE Heavyweight champion was nothing more than a hairdo with abs; congratulations, Morrison, he's the new Richards Simmons & in 10 years time, while he's still wearing bedazzled tank tops & hanging out with overweight women, Mizanin'll be chilling @ the top of the single-greatest show in WWE, RAW, because he's the Miz & he's awesome! . . . ; speaking of which, here's the BRAGGING RIGHTS CARD SO FAR: 14-Man Inter-Promotional Tag Team match, Team RAW (HHH, 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, Kofi Kingston, WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion The Big Show, "All-American American" Jack Swagger, Cody Rhodes & a 7th Superstar) versus Team Smackdown (all to be announced). . . Fatal 4-Way, Smackdown Heavyweight champion the UnderTaker versus Dave "The Animal" Batista versus CM Punk versus Rey Mysterio Junior. . . 1-hour "Anything Goes" Iron Man match, RAW Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton versus John Cena. . . & of course, RAW United States champion Mike "The Miz" Mizanin versus Smackdown Intercontinental champion John Morrison; before the following match, Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton saunters down to the ring, where he declares that he's already spoken with next week's Celebrity Guest Host & since next week will likely be the Chain Gang Commander's last week on RAW, he's arranged to have the Doctor of Thuganomics to take part in 1 of the biggest matches in his career; RAW 2nd HOUR MAIN EVENT, TAG TEAM MATCH: Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ (Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior) versus Stormin' On Chumps Like They're Thunder & Lightning (Orton & Cena); DiBiase defeats Orton with a Roll-Up {PSYCHOLOGY: well, then! . . .}; after the match, just to add insult to injury, the Doctor of Thuganomics drops the Legend Killer with an 'Attitude Adjuster' Fireman's Slam; as promised, it's announced that, next week during what's potentially his final RAW match, the Chain Gang Commander faces none other than HHH in the main event!
10/13/09 originating on SyFy {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night
commentating by Josh Mathews & the Slammy Award-winner Matt Striker
from the Rupp Arena in Lexington, Kentucky; now in WWE~HD
Ezekiel Jackson pins Goldust with a 'Big & Bad' Urinagi Bomb {PSYCHOLOGY: I had this typed while poor Dustin was walking to the ring! . . .}; after the match, Vladimir Kozlov delivers a few smacks to the fallen former Intercontinental champion; meanwhile, backstage, Zack Ryder welcomes his partner for tonight, William Regal, then attempts to calm his newfound friend into not being threatened by him, since he's clearly more qualified for a Heavyweight title match, not to mention that he's not so tough without his goons around, so- err, hi Big Zeke & Moscow Mauler. . . ; oh was that it, allow Regal to retort, General Manager Tiffany, in her very blond & very limited wisdom, has decided to pay him back for her sins by making him tag with Ryder tonight & being a competitor & a gentlemen, he's going to do it; so unless he wants to face a fate much worse than what befell Zack last week, he'd better follow William's orders to the letter
Sheamus O'Shaughnessy Celts to the ring, where he states that last week on Superstars, he had a match with "Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin, who technically won the match via Disqualification, but it doesn't really capture the essence of what happened, which leads Sheamus to a little story. . . about 10 years ago, Benjamin came to WWE with some of the most amazing God-given talent that any 1 wrestler's ever been granted & what's he done with it, absolutely nothing, he's too busy wallowing in mediocrity to actually succeed, even though he easily has the tools to beat anybody in WWE; O'Shaughnessy, on the other hand, will go to the top in WWE, because he's more than willing to use pawns like Shelton as stepping stones to get there ;right now, there's a lot of extra baggage in WWE, who don't seem to know what to do with their contracts, but as Sheamus' always said, you either lead, follow, or get outta the way, as he's more than willing to take out any lumps like the Gold Standard to achieve his goals
"Ripper" Paul Burchill beats Hurricane Helms with a 'Dangerous Buster' Suplexing Powerslam {PSYCHOLOGY: nice!}
backstage, Heavyweight champion Christian asks if Yoshi Tatsu's ready for their match, but he's nervous, even though the Instant Classic says that he doesn't need to be ~ he's earned his shot @ the title & besides, he has a lot of Peeps in Japan who likely think it'd be cool if he teamed up with 1 of their home-grown talents; MAIN EVENT, TAG TEAM MATCH: Cocky & Bad (Zack Ryder & William Regal) versus the Flying Shoryukens (Heavyweight champion Christian & Yoshi Tatsu); the Peeps' Champion defeats the 2008 King of the Ring with a 'Kill Switch' Crucifix Faceplant {PSYCHOLOGY: well, I supposed that's about as much emphasis as anybody should need, to convince Regal that he's not a top contender for the title!}
10/15/09 originating on WGN America {in the United States}
RAW commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole ECWWE commentating by Josh Mathews & Slammy Award-winner Matt Striker Smackdown commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross & the Slammy Award-winner Todd Grisham
"BRAGGING RIGHTS ~ TEAM RAW" QUALIFYING MATCH: "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry pins "Masterpiece" Chris Masters with a 'World's Strongest Slam' Fallforward Slam {PSYCHOLOGY: the former Sexual Chocolate joins HHH, 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion the Big Show, Cody Rhodes, Kofi Kingston & "All-American American" Jack Swagger on Team RAW, to meet the as-yet-unassembled Team Smackdown in 10 days @ Bragging Rights!}
ECWWE MATCH: Vladimir Kozlov beats "Innovator of Extreme" Tommy Dreamer with a 'Cold War' 1-Handed Chokebomb {PSYCHOLOGY: did Dreamer's elbow get injured during this match, it was really swollen!}; after the match, Ezekiel Jackson picks the ECW Original up for a 'Big & Bad' Urinagi Bomb, then the Tormentors leave the ring
RAW United States champion Mike "The Miz" Mizanin joins WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross & Toss Grisham @ ringside for the following MAIN EVENT, SMACKDOWN MATCH: CM Punk defeats Intercontinental champion John Morrison via Disqualification After the Miz Interferes {PSYCHOLOGY: now, now, there's no need for that malarkey, there, sonny-boy!}
10/16/09 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}
commentating by Slammy Award-winner Todd Grisham & RAW's Michael Cole
from the Rupp Arena in Lexington, Kentucky; now in WWE~HD
General Manager Theodore R. Long holla-holla-hollas onto the ring entrance ramp, where he reminds us that 1 week from this Sunday, WWE returns to pay-per-view with Bragging Rights, where not only with RAW & Smackdown have their Heavyweight titles defended, but there's also a 14-Man Tag Team match, Team RAW versus Team Smackdown, to determine which show's the best & as the GM, Long plans to put together a team that represents the great talent showcased here every Friday night; in order to counter RAW's team of HHH, 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, Kofi Kingston, Cody Rhodes, "All-American American Jack Swagger, "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry & WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion the Big Show, Teddy throws it to Team Smackdown captain, WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho, who saunters to the ring & states that finally, after years of listening to politicking Superstars, the GM's finally made a good decision & named Y2J the captain of Team Smackdown & he doesn't care if the Smackdown Universe likes it; there's a possibility that RAW's John Cena will be returning to Smackdown, after RAW Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton defeats him soundly in their 1-hour "Anything Goes" Iron Man match @ Bragging Rights, so therefore the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah has some sad news, he's the Man around here now, so there's not gonna be any room for the Doctor of Thuganomics to come over here & try to take over; nobody's been more successful here on Friday nights, so if the Chain Gang Commander wants back in on Smackdown, he's gonna have to go through the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions, who's led this show & that locker room by example of honesty & integrity, he's the cornerstone of WWE, the best @ what he does & the reason that these parasites in the Smackdown Universe are even in the arena tonight, so as the captain of Team Smackdown, the King of My World has to assemble a team of such awesome winningness, that they'll follow every word of his & Jericho'll lead them to the Promised Land. . . easily defeating Team RAW, as led by those 2 delinquents who wrote this piece of flotsam & jetsam known as "The Unofficial History of DX", 2 miscreants more interests in pandering to all of the hypocrites in the WWE Universe, pushing all of their useless merchandise that all of you mindless sheep are more than willing to buy ~ t-shirts, glow sticks & books full of lies ~ well, do you know what Chris thinks of DX? . . . if you wanna get a good look @ what he's gonna do to D-Generation X & their team of RAW losers, then just look @ the tattered remains of the book he just shredded, he's here to open the Smackdown Universe's eyes &-POW! there goes Kane's pyro, as the Bald Red Machine angers to the ring, where he balks @ the idea of Y2J calling Team Smackdown his ~ he's been listening to every word that the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah's been saying & the BalderTaker's out here to announce that he's now the co-captain of Team Smackdown. . . well of course you are, as the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions was just about to announce that, in fact. . . the combination of Kane's power & Jericho's genius would make them unstoppable; well, as far as the Bald Red Machine's concerned, that book, DX & the entire Team RAW can all go up in flames; TRIPLE THREAT, "BRAGGING RIGHTS ~ TEAM SMACKDOWN" QUALIFYING MATCH: Dolph Ziggler versus Mike Knox versus Fit Finlay; Ziggler pins Knox with a Filnay-Applied Shillelagh Upside the Melon {PSYCHOLOGY: a rematch, of sorts, as all 3 of these men competed in a Triple Threat match to determine the #1 Contender for the Intercontinental championship, with the former Spirit Squader winning that match as well!}; DID YOU KNOW. . . as Smackdown celebrates its 10 year anniversary, it's broadcast more shows than ER, Law & Order, Cheers & the Simpsons! . . . ; betcha General Manager Theodore R. Long knew that, as he entertains WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho in his office, where they both watch the following SMACKDOWN 1st HOUR MAIN EVENT, TAG TEAM, "BRAGGING RIGHTS ~ TEAM SMACKDOWN" QUALIFYING MATCH: Cryme Tyme (JTG & Shad Gaspard) versus the Calgary Bulldogs (Tyson Kidd & David Hart Smith); JTG beats Kidd with a 'Shout-Out' Spinning Headlock Sitout Lariat {PSYCHOLOGY: so the Hoodfellas join Y2J, Kane & Dolph Ziggler in Team Smackdown!}; before the following match, Vickie Guerrero excuses herself, then introduces her new boyfriend, making his Smackdown debut, Eric Escobar, who takes part in the following "BRAGGING RIGHTS ~ TEAM SMACKDOWN" QUALIFYING MATCH: Escobar defeats Matt Hardy with a Roll-Up & a Handful of Tights {PSYCHOLOGY: arriba!}
RAW United States champion Mike "The Miz" Mizanin & Smackdown Intercontinental champion John Morrison saunter to the ring for a special edition of the Dirt Sheet, where the Shaman of Sexy declares that @ Bragging Rights, he's gonna prove that being the I-C champion's far more impressive than- oh wait, Miz has a championship too, weird; not only will the pay-per-view in 9 days help determine which show's superior, it'll also show us which former member of the most decorated Tag Team in recent WWE history's better in Singles competition; everybody knows that Mike was the true star of Altered Reality & all throughout history, great pairs have broken up, with 1 going on to superstardom & the other going on to obscurity ~ case in point, Mork & Mindy, Robin Williams & What's-Her-Name? . . . then there's Bill & Ted, 1 went on to become Neo & crack the Matrix, while the other checked into the Unemployment line, where he'll likely be meeting Mizanin in about 10 days. . . & the list goes on ~ Wayne & Garth, Regis & Kathie Lee & nobody can forget about the Rockers, so when they get to Bragging Rights, the Miz's ready to prove that he's the Shawn Michaels & Morrison's the Marty Jannety ~ naw, that's impossible, because Marty never had sweet merchandise like John, where's Mike's shirt? . . . his mom has 1 of these shirts, by the way; well, there can't be 2 Marty Jannetys, so by default Morrison's Marty, thank you. . . well actually, according to the Friday Night Delight, there are 2 Jannety, Marty & Mizzy ~ see what happens when you don't have a girlfriend, folks; y'know, Mizanin hasn't changed @ all, the only thing he's done's conformed, back in the day he had that hat & scarf, he @ least had the courage to dress like himself, a loser. . . but now he's a strange combination of Michael Phelps, Mister Ed, P!nk & Big Dick Johnson; #1, he has great hair, #2, women love his pearly whites & #3, he looks great in his trunks; the Smackdown Universe should make some noise if they think Mike's husky. . . naw, they're all just jealous of the RAW United States champion's awesome body, he's gonna move on to Bragging Rights to prove that he's better than the Smackdown Intercontinental champion; hey, why wait for the pay-per-view, why doesn't the Miz do his thang right now, RAW's only a 2nd rate Saturday Night Live nowadays anyway, so if you're in the mood to watch the amazing star power of Reverend Al Sharpton & Nancy O'Dell, then go on ahead & tune in Monday nights. . . who's hosting next week, Big Bird; but if the WWE Universe'd rather tune in to see great wrestling action & the Friday Night Delight, then they should watch Friday Night Smackdown; Mizanin's the reason that people even watch RAW, he's the reason that their Tag Team even succeeded, he carried Morrison for 2 years, he was the true talent of the team; well, in truth, the Smackdown Intercontinental champion proclaims that all the RAW United States champion did was shoot off his mouth, toting his catch phrases all willy-nilly, but talk's cheap, this is Smackdown, not RAW, so John's not gonna sit here & take his big talk; when it appears that the former Tag Team champions are gonna fall fighting, the Miz instead opts to exercise the better part of valour, heading backstage with his U.S. belt tucked between his legs
back in the General Manager's office, Theodore R. Long's still entertaining WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho, as they check out the following "BRAGGING RIGHTS ~ TEAM SMACKDOWN" QUALIFYING MATCH: Drew McIntyre beats "R~Truth" Ron Killings via Countout {PSYCHOLOGY: hmm, 2 new faces taking part in the moderately-high-profile RAW Versus Smackdown match @ Bragging Rights! . . .}
backstage, Dave "The Animal" Batista wishes Rey Mysterio Junior luck in their upcoming match, but he's uneasy about wrestling a guy who's essentially his brother, but the Biggest Little Man tells his amigo that brothers fight all the time, but the fact of the matter's that they're both going after the Heavyweight title @ Bragging Rights & they both want it badly; they'll both have to keep their eyes open for CM Punk, he's liable to do anything & as for the champion. . . well, they both know what the UnderTaker's capable of, so they'll just have to go out there & do their thang. . . bot for tonight, maybe Batista can go a little easy on Mysterio? . . . ; elsewhere backstage, the Phenom states that it's been said history has a way of repeating itself, but not in his yard; the Straight-Edge Superstar, the Smackdown General Manager & Referee Scott Armstrong have all decided to once again tempt their fates, to wrest the holy grail from death's grip. . . but he thinks they should know that, once they enter Hell's Gates, there's no turning back; @ Bragging Rights, 'Taker claims Punk's soul & reads the former Heavyweight champion his last rites; SMACKDOWN 2nd HOUR MAIN EVENT MATCH: Rey Mysterio Junior defeats Dave "The Animal" Batista with a Roll-Up {PSYCHOLOGY: WHAAAAAAAA?!?!?}; after the match, even though he's understandably unset over the referee not seeing that 1 of his shoulders was up, Batista congratulates his amigo, then leaves Mysterio to celebrate his victory, leaving Rey-Rey open for a sneak attack from CM Punk, who leaps out of the Smackdown Universe & drops the Biggest Little Man with a 'Go To Sleep' Falling Kneestrike, then hightails it back out through the crowd when the Animal storms the ring to his friend's assistance
*PLEASE NOTE* The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some tag team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.
10/05/09 originating on USA Network {in the United States} & simulcast on the Score {in Canada}
commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole
from the Wachovia Arena in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania; now in WWE~HD
Celebrity Guest Host Ben Roethlisberger saunters out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where he states that they may all be fans of different sports, but they're all WWE fans, as he calls out the combatants in the Divas Bowl, for which Smackdown's Gail Kim's the referee; "DIVA BOWL", 14-DIVAS TAG TEAM MATCH: Some Chicken & Some Roosterin' (Smackdown's Maria Kanellis , RAW's We're Kelly-James, ****! {Kelly Kelly & Divas champion Mickie James}, Smackdown's Latina Heat {Eve Torres & Melina Perez} & ECWWE's Bella Twins {Brie & Nikki Bella}) versus Natural Male Enhancement (Smackdown Women's champion Michelle McCool, Smackdown's L~E~N~N {Layla El & Natalya Neidhart}, RAW's Mocha Chocha Latté {Rosa Mendes & Alicia Fox} & RAW's Phoenix-Hall {"Glamazon" Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall}); James pins Fox with a 'Victory Roll' {PSYCHOLOGY: giggidy!}; after the match, while the King's applying an ice pack to his lap, Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton saunters to the ring, where he declares that last night @ Hell in a Cell he defeated John Cena to become the 6-time Heavyweight champion; the RAW Universe say that he used shortcuts, needed backup & just plain cheats in every encounter. . . but wait, exactly when during their match @ the pay-per-view did Orton use a shortcut, need backup or cheat while in that Cell, he defeated the Doctor of Thuganomics, end of story; Randy can bet that @ any minute, the Chain Gang Commander's gonna interrupt him & demand a championship rematch, but it makes no difference to the Legend Killer, because he knows exactly what he's gonna say to teh former champion; as if on cue, out comes John Cena, who wiggers to the ring, only to have the Heavyweight champion proclaim that the Doctor of Thuganomics will get no rematch for this title. . well, with that statement, Orton tells the RAW Universe what they already know, he doens't give a damn about them; Randy's a Superstar who strives to be the best, so Cena's out here to congratulate the new champion on his win last night; John can stand there in that ring & tell the RAW Universe how brutal the Hell in a Cell match is, but there was something special about their match last night ~ something he noticed @ the beginning, in the middle & even @ the end of their bout ~ 16,000 RAW Universers screaming @ the top of their lungs, some cheering for Cena & some cheering for Orton, but 1 thing was clear, theirs has become the rivalry that each & every single RAW Universer knows that, whenever these 2 competitors are involved in a match ~ be it Singles, or a Triple Threat, or a Hell in a Cell ~ well, the Chain Gang Commander'd like to do that 1 more time & by the sounds of the cheers, the RAW Universe wanna see it too & for that rematch, Cena suggests the ultimate match, an Iron Man match ~ so epic, so remarkable, so legendary, this will be how the rivalry ends, no more rematches, no more feud; does John think Randy's stupid, why on earth would he agree to a match that he could conceivably lose all access to his title in. . . but he agrees, this feud has to end, but he wants to do it on his terms. . . if Orton wins, then Cena's gone from RAW for good; well, that's just prime, if that's how Randy wants it. . . no, that's not it, no disqualification, no countout. . . so in short, the Legend Killer wants the greatest knock-down, drag-'em-out brawl for the Heavyweight title & if the Doctor of Thuganomics loses, he's gone from Monday nights, you're on!
"All-American American" Jack Swagger, well, swaggers to the ring, where he decrees that he looks & smells like a winner, he's just plain on the winning side of life ~ last night @ Hell in a Cell he didn't get pinned & therefore, it's time for an awesome proclamation, he's not gonna get pinned for the rest of the year, he'll be undefeated for the remainder of 2009, he's the All-American American & he approves this message; Swagger beats Primo Colon with an 'Orthodontist's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: well, that's certainly a Goildbergian start to his self-proclaimed undefeated streak!}
a video package plays, hyping "the Unauthorized History of DX", a book chronicling the rise of WWE's most juvenile faction in its otherwise-illustrious history, available tomorrow
DID YOU KNOW. . . video highlights of last Friday's Decade of Smackdown special have already been viewed over 1,000,000 times on www.WWE.com! . . . ; betcha the WWE Divas knew that, as they're all backstage arguing over the outcome of their Diva Bowl match. . . luckily, Santino Marella's in a referee shirt, adding an echo to his calls as he tries to calm the Haughty Hotties down, so why don't Mickie James & Felicia- err, Alicia just kiss & make up. . . y''know, the woman who somehow became the #1 Contender to James' Divas title @ Hell in a Cell has a better idea. . . POW! a slap across the Milan Miracle's mush!
in the Celebrity Guest Host's office, Ben Roethlisberger's talking with somebody or other, when Mike "The Miz" Mizanin saunters in & balks @ the idea of "All-American American" Jack Swagger is gonna go unpinned for the rest of 2009, all because the Miz got his shoulders planted on the mat @ Hell in a Cell last night, can you imagine the nerve? . . . well, the way Ben sees it, Mizanin was the 1 who got pinned last night, so therefore- never mind that, he's the Miz & he's awesome, that's not just a catchphrase, it's a way of life, just like Roethlisberger's awesome 2 Sundays in his entire life; basically why he's here's because Mike wants a shot @ United States champion Kofi Kingston ~ wouldn't Ben want another shot @ the Chicago Bears after blowing it the 1st time? . . . ; settle down now, settle down, says Roethlisberger, the match's made, with 1 stipulation. . . if Mizanin loses, he gets in that ring & lets the entire RAW Universe know, he's the Miz & he's awful!
a video package plays, advertizing Bragging Rights, live on pay-per-view, October 25th
RAW 1st HOUR MAIN EVENT, TAG TEAM MATCH: Through Being Cool (Chavo Guerrero Junior & "Masterpiece" Chris Masters) versus the World's Strongest Playas (Montell Vontavius Porter & "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry); MVP defeats Chavito Heat with a Masterpiece-Applied Elbowdrop {PSYCHOLOGY: oopsie-doodle!}; after the match, Guerrero & Masters start fighting again, until, of all people, Hornswaggle comes to the rescue of Chavo, leaving the surviving WWE Guerrero with a DX crotch chop to further confuse him
Celebrity Guest Host Ben Roethlisberger saunters out to the ring, where he asks if the RAW Universe's having a good time tonight, then gets interrupted by WWE Unified Tag Team champions Chris Jericho & the Big Show, who head down to the ring, where the former WCW Giant says that Ben shouldn't be intimidated by them, but he just can't figure out why people call him Big Ben ~ could it be his big defensive line that TBS can't even see? . . . y'know it's funny that they should ask to see his defensive line, because here they come now, heading on down to the ring to have Roethlisberger's back; well then, thinks Big Show. . . now they're supposed to be intimidated by this mass of muscle tissue, states Y2J, this group of useless mesomorphs. . . allow the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah to remind them, this isn't a football field, it's a wrestling ring & the WWE Unified Tag Team champions don't wear helmets or take time off for turf toe. . . the Big Show & Chris Jericho are the most dominant team in sports, not like the so-called Steelers; when the offensive line gets down into their 3-point stance, it's time for a little strategic withdrawal @ the hands of the WWE Unified Tag Team champions; just then, D-Generation X Break it Down to the ring, where HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels shake hands with all the footballers, then the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions declares that he should've known, their potential Sports Center moment ruined by a coupla hopeless shills who just wanna sell their DX merchandise. . . well, actually, the Game & the Showstopper just wanted to come out & tell the King of My World how great his hair looks today. . . naw, not really, it looks ridiculous! . . . but seriously, HBK wants to take a moment to talk about how, last night, it felt like an eternity that he had his backside handed to him @ the hands of Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior in their Hell in a Cell Tornado Tag Team match; he wasn't about to sit backstage & listen to the WWE Unified Tag Team champions talk about the great teams that they've faced & beaten, but there's 1 team that they haven't faced yet; now hang on a second there, Shawn, was that a challenge, because TBS figured with all those staples in his face & all the bumps & bruises all over their bodies, that DX would end up saying something stupid, so since Michaels' a little dog with a big bark, the former WCW Giant suggests that they go take care of their wounds, because they don't want any part of of the JeriShow; besides, pipes in Jericho, they don't want any part of the champs, just like these tapeworms & parasites in the RAW Universe, they don't mean a thing & don't deserve to face the most dominant team in WWE history; hey, where you guys going, the Celebrity Guest Host suggests that Y2J & TBS take on Roethlisberger's Defensive Line & if they ain't down with that, then Ben's got 2 words for ya! . . .
RAW UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: Mike "The Miz" Mizanin pins champion Kofi Kingston with a 'Skull-Crushing Finale' Full-Nelson Forward Russian Legsweep {PSYCHOLOGY: well, just like when John Morrison won the Intercontinental championship, or when the Amazing Red won TNA's X Division title, this victory was well-advertized on-line, before I even watched RAW!}; after the match, just to throw it in the face of Celebrity Guest Host Ben Roethlisberger, the Miz proclaims that he's the new U.S. champion & he's awesome!
a video package plays, showing how RAW's John Cena & other WWE Superstars are regular supporters of the Make-A-Wish Foundation
DID YOU KNOW. . . WWE will create more original TV hours this year, than Showtime & HBO combined! . . . ; betcha Lawler & Cole knew that, as they run down the 1 & only match that's announced for Bragging Rights in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
in the Celebrity Guest Host's office, Ben Roethlisberger's entertained by Hornswaggle, when suddenly Santino Marella storms in & demands that he do something about the WWE Divas molesting him earlier, Ben. . . Surfenturfer. . . Rawhamburger. . . Rottenburper. . . Rockenroller. . . Bralesswonder. . . sorry, he's Italian, it's a difficult name for the Milan Miracle to pronounce! . . . well anyhow, welcome to RAW; a video package plays, showing next week's Celebrity Guest Hostesses will be Nancy O'Dell & Maria Menounos from "Access Hollywood", but for now, it's time for the RAW 2nd HOUR MAIN EVENT, TAG TEAM MATCH: WWE Unified Tag Team champions Worst Case Scenario (Chris Jericho & the Big Show) versus D-Generation X (HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels); the Game beats Y2J with a Michaels-Applied 'Sweet Chin Music' Superkick in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: blammo!}; after the match, Celebrity Guest Host Ben Roethlisberger & his entire Pittsburgh Steelers Defensive Line celebrate in the ring with the leaders of the DX Army
10/06/09 originating on SyFy {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night
commentating by Josh Mathews & the Slammy Award-winner Matt Striker
Interim General Manager William Regal swaggers to the ring, flanked by Vladimir Kozlov & Ezekiel Jackson, where he welcomes the ECWWE Universe to tonight's show & wishes GM Tiffany well, as she recovers from her injuries; Regal knows that the role of General Manager's not a popular 1, but he knows that they understand it's the right thing to do ~ he has the experience & resolve to make the tough decisions, to do the proper thing for the ECWWE Universe. . . which brings him to the Heavyweight title. . . the WWE Board of Directors have prohibited William to have a direct hand in the Heavyweight title matches, but sometimes, in times of dire consequences, a man has to do the right thing, which's to make himself the #1 Contender for the Heavyweight title. . . he's never had a fair shot @ the title anyway & who cares about Zack Ryder sauntering out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, proclaiming that they're not going through this again ~ last week, Regal took away the former EdgeHead's own shot @ the title 2 weeks ago & then his "expert leadership" cost them their 8-Man Tag Team match last week; don't call him "Bro", it's Mister Regal to Ryder, Sunshine & he'll show the Interim General Manager some respect, Regal doesn't need to do the right thing by Zack, he's in charge of what goes on inside this ring; enter Heavyweight champion Christian, who Peeps out onto the ring entrance ramp stage himself, where he calls the tool from Long Island & the creepy British guy an interesting exercise in futility, as they both try to argue who's the #1 Contender. . . well, the Instant Classic has news for both of them, neither man deserves it & if they need some proof, Captain Charisma has it right here, in the form of a janitor with a bucket of water & a mop, WWE Hall of Famer "Mister USA" Tony Atlas & Yoshi Tatsu; the 1st's Angelo, the janitor of the arena & in fact, he just replaced all the urinal cakes in the bathrooms of Section 105 earlier today. . . you know what that means, he actually accomplished something, as opposed to either William Regal or Zack Ryder, making the janitor a more fitting #1 Contender to the belt. . . 2ndly, even though he hangs out with Abraham Washington, Atlas' still a WWE Hall of Famer, nice ring, plus he has an incredible laugh, so again, he's accomplished something more than the Interim General Manager & the former La Familia members. . . then, there's our 3rd guest, who's actually won some matches for himself, having personally pinned both men over the span of the past few weeks; well, if Regal'd had a Tag Team partner who'd been worth a damn, last week's victory wouldn't've happened, as there no ruttin' way that this rookie can hold a candle to the Interim GM; now hang on there, Bill. . . don't. . . call. . . William. . . Bill! . . . well, let Christian check with the Peeps on that 1. . . naw, sounds like the ECWWE Universe's happy with the Heavyweight champion calling the temporary boss Bill. . . so anywho, as the Instant Classic sees it, Tatsu's the most deserving to be the #1 Contender for the Heavyweight championship, but as it turns out, it's not up to Regal or the Peeps' Champion, as General Manager Tiffany saunters out onto the now-somewhat-crowded ring entrance ramp stage, where she thanks Regal for taking over for her last week, he did an admirable job, but now it's time to determine the new #1 Contender for the Heavyweight title. . . all men contending for the coveted spot, will get a chance to plead their cases, physically, as they'll all be in action tonight ~ Zack gets his rematch, that was supposed to take place last week, tonight, when he takes on Captain Charisma. . . William will get to see 1st-hand if the win scored by Yoshi last week was a fluke, when both men square off. . . & as for the Moscow Mauler & Big Zeke, she hasn't forgotten about them, they're gonna be in Tag Team action, next. . . now, good luck to all of them, she looks forward to having a great show; TAG TEAM MATCH: the Rough Riders (Vladimir Kozlov & Ezekiel Jackson) versus the American Nightmares (Goldust & "Innovator of Extreme" Tommy Dreamer); Big Zeke defeats the ECW Original with a 'Big & Bad' Urinagi Bomb {PSYCHOLOGY: well, I can't say I'm exactly surprised there! . . .}; after the match, in the General Manager's office, Tiffany looks on, as William Regal basks in the glory of his fellow Tormentors, as prime specimens. . . not to mention how amazingly quickly that she came back from her. . . car accident. . . nobody understands like Regal does, how much effort goes into running this show; not only is she excited about being back tonight, she's stoked about the Heavyweight title match tonight. . . plus, for some reason, she's jazzed about RAW's John Cena taking on "Legend Killer" Randy Orton in a 60-minute Iron Man match for their Heavyweight championship @ Bragging Rights, which has the unusual stipulation of, if the Doctor of Thuganomics loses the match, he's off RAW forever, so she just might be able to snag the Chain Gang Commander onto Tuesday ni- naw, I couldn't even finish typing that! . . . anywho, that's all well & good, but William's concerned that she might've come back too soon; well, as much as she appreciates his concern, Tiffany suggests that Regal concentrate on his upcoming match, which's next; Yoshi Tatsu pins the 2008 King of the Ring with a 'Mawashi Gen' Roundhouse Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: that conclusion seemed pretty foregone, in my opinion!}; after the match, Kozlov & Jackson angry to the ring, where all 3 members of the Tormentors point out that Regal's foot was under the bottom rope before the 3-count, but apparently this has no bearing on the final decision of the referee; DID YOU KNOW. . . last Tuesday, ECWWE was once again the #1 show on SyFy! . . . ; betcha the Peeps' Champion knew that, as he Captain Charismas to the ring for the following MAIN EVENT, ECWWE HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: champion Christian beats Zack Ryder via Disqualification After the Tormentors Interfere {PSYCHOLOGY: interesting, how every match was connected, therefore I left it all in 1 block like this!}; after the match, when Zack gets all woo-WOO-woo in the faces of his fellow tarheelians, Regal calls for Kozlov & Jackson to beat down the former EdgeHead
10/08/09 originating on WGN America {in the United States}
RAW commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole ECWWE commentating by Josh Mathews & Slammy Award-winner Matt Striker Smackdown commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross & the Slammy Award-winner Todd Grisham
a video package plays, showing this week's edition of Ask the Divas; "What's your favourite guilty pleasure?" asks WWE Universe resident Teeny. . . Smackdown Women's champion Michelle McCool gets a pepperoni pizza & a Butterfinger Frosty. . . ECWWE's Bella Twins massages & desserts. . . Smackdown's Layla El loves a chocolate souffle. . . Smackdown's Natalya Neidhart dies to go shopping, with lots of money; "1 of my co-workers keeps stealing my credit ~ how do I handle it?" queries WWE Universe resident Dav. . . RAW's Kelly Kelly suggests that you let them know that you're on to them. . . Smackdown's Maria Kanellis suggests that you put your stamp on everything, pretty soon everybody will know that it's your work. . . ECWWE's Katie Lea Burchill suggests to do something awful & let them steal that. . . Smackdown's Eve Torres suggests that your hard work will pay off in the end. . . RAW's Jillian Hall thinks they should sabotage their own work, then see what credit they get for that; anybody who needs advise, can log onto www.WWEUniverse.com
ECWWE MATCH: "Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin beats Sheamus O'Shaughnessy via Disqualification After the Celt Refuses to Stop Kicking the Former World's Greatest Tag Team Member While He's Down {PSYCHOLOGY: augh, laddie!}; after the match, as the referee helps Benjamin to his feet, Sheamus drops Shelton with a 'Cabra Gaelscoil' Bicycle Kick
backstage, ECWWE's Josh Mathews bothers Smackdown's Natalya Neidhart & the Calgary Bulldogs of the Hart Dynasty, the former stating that the latter are nothing like Cryme Tyme, their bond's greater than that earned on the streets; most families are defined by their blood, but the Hart Dynasty's defined by their Hart; where they come from, fame's not determined by how many gold chains that you steal or how many people you dis ~ it's how great a wrestler you are & JTG & Shad Gaspard are about to find out why David Hart Smith & Tyson Kidd are better than they are in the following MAIN EVENT, SMACKDOWN TAG TEAM MATCH: Cryme Tyme (JTG & Shad Gaspard) versus the Calgary Bulldogs (Smith & Kidd); Gaspard beats Smith with a 'Thugnificent' Pendulum Urinagi Slam {PSYCHOLOGY: daaaaaamn!}
10/09/09 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}
commentating by Slammy Award-winner Todd Grisham & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross
General Manager Theodore R. Long stands in the ring, where he states that he knows that everybody in the Smackdown Universe watched Hell in a Cell Sunday, so allow him to be the 1st to congratulate the new Heavyweight champion, the UnderTaker; as everybody around here knows, Smackdown's the dominant brand in WWE & that being said, WWE features yet another new pay-per-view called Bragging Rights & as we heard Monday on RAW, their Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton takes on John Cena in a 1-hour Iron Man match, with the Doctor of Thuganomics having his RAW career on the line, so allow Long to make the Chain Gang Commander aware that he's more than welcome to come back home to Smackdown; CM Punk Killswitch Engages to the ring, where he balks @ the idea of the Smackdown GM talking about a RAW wrestler ~ they don't need the Doctor of Thuganomics, they need a General Manager with a little bit of focus & what he should be focused on's the Straight-Edge Superstar; before Long declares a new #1 Contender for that title, he should consider that Punk was the only Straight-Edge champion in WWE history & besides he has a guaranteed rematch, so it's bad enough that, in this dump, he has to take on Dave "The Animal" Batista; so when CM gets his rematch against the Dead Man, he doesn't want to worry about what stipulations that Teddy can come up with, he wants 'Taker in the same match in which he defeated him in the 1st place, a Submissions match, with Scott Armstrong as the referee & the General Manager standing @ ringside; naw, naw, playa, this is how it's gonna go down- WWE Owner Vince McMahon interrupts both men by powerwalking to the ring, where he gets introduced by Long, before going on to say that he's tried to support Teddy in his decisions here as Smackdown's GM, but Vinnie-Mac can't condone what Long was about to say, which was to continue to provoke the Phenom by putting him in a 4-Way match against CM Punk, Rey Mysterio Junior & Batista @ Bragging Rights; so after all that, let's get the show on the road with this opening match, where Rey Mysterio defeats WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho with a 'Dropping The Dime' Top-Rope Vertical Splash {PSYCHOLOGY: so yeah, Mysterio's "on his way" to "possibly" becoming a 2-time "Heavyweight" champion. . .}
a video package plays, showing Cryme Tyme ~ aka Brooklyn's Beast & Brooklyn's Flyest, Dial Tone Gs {because they're off the hook!} ~ welcoming us to another edition of word Up, featuring this week's word, "Eve", Exquisite, Vivacious & err. . . umm. . . how about Exit? . . . as they get ready to watch their girl Eve Torres take on Women's champion Michelle McCool, next! . . . ; McCool pins Torres with a Kick to The Face in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: yeah, because it's not like there are very many serious contenders for a belt on Smackdown. . . by design, I'm starting to think ~ but is it just me, or is Eve starting to shape up to be the next Candice Michelle Beckman?}
in the General Manager's office, Theodore R. Long's disturbed to find Vickie Guerrero & her new boy toy Eric Escobar lounging, with Mamacita Heat declaring that it isn't fair that her sweet baboo doesn't have a match tonight, even though last week @ the Smackdown 10th Anniversary Celebration it was announced that he's the newest prospect here in WWE. . . & while she's @ it, its' also unfair that CM Punk doesn't get a 1-on-1 rematch for the Heavyweight championship against current titlist the UnderTaker. . . does Long realize that it's also mathematically unfair to the Dead Man, as he only has a 25% chance of successfully defending his belt & could lose his belt without even being pinned; when Teddy attempts to clarify that it was WWE Owner Vince McMahon's idea, Guerrero balks @ that, then Latinas something to Eric, before reminding the GM that he's still under probation
WWE Magazine presents "the History of WWE", available now @ www.WWEShop.com
SMACKDOWN 1st HOUR MAIN EVENT, INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH: champion John Morrison beats Dolph Ziggler with a 'Flying Chuck' Springboard Crescent Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: what an awesome looking kick!}; after the match, Ziggler won't talk to Maria Kanellis, who innocently took away his steel chair from the ring apron area during his match & sat on it. . . he thought that she could differentiate between his professional & personal life. . . in his personal life, he just doesn't know, but in his professional life, he sees bright lights & championships. . . in his personal life, Dolph doesn't see Maria {rebound!!!}
a video package plays, highlighting the 7 Heavyweight title wins of the UnderTaker
backstage, Rey Mysterio & Dave "The Animal" Batista discuss how they'll each be in the ring while the other wins the Heavyweight title @ Bragging Rights, then realize that their personal interests just might be @ odds in that match. . .
TAG TEAM MATCH: Killings Me Hardy ("R~Truth" Ron Killings & Matt Hardy) versus the Odds-On Favourites (Drew McIntyre & Kane); McIntyre defeats Hardy with a 'Criminally Sexy' Swinging Snap Double Underhook DDT {PSYCHOLOGY: wow, kinda impressive I suppose, though not entirely surprising}
Heavyweight champion the UnderTaker sombers to the ring, where he declares himself the Reaper of Wayward Souls & his belt's the Holy Grail of everybody who steps foot into this ring, which's why it was so important for the Dead Man to possess it. . . because every wayward soul would stray from crossing the path of the 'Taker, but now, with the draw of fortune wrapped around his waist, these souls have no choice but to lead them down a road that they'll be sorry they ever embarked, a road that ends in His Yard ~ for them, it'll be a graveyard; on October 25th, 3 men will test their fates against the 'Taker on a new battleground called Bragging Rights. . . CM Punk escaped Hell in a Cell relatively in 1 piece, only losing his Heavyweight title, but @ the next pay-per-view, the Dead Man'll take his soul. . . Rey Mysterio Junior has a heart that's legendary, but make no mistake about it, the Heavyweight champion'll show him no mercy. . . that brings the UnderTaker to Dave "The Animal" Batista, whose engaged in many an epic battle with the Dead Man in the past, but even Dave's rage & strength won't be enough to save him; how appropriate that the match's called a Fatal 4-Way, as 1 by 1, all 3 men will fall under the power of the Phenom & 1 by 1, they'll all rest in peace! . . . ; SMACKDOWN 2nd HOUR MAIN EVENT MATCH: Punk beats Batista via Countout {PSYCHOLOGY: hmm! . . .}; after the match, the Animal's not quite done with the Straight-Edge Superstar, as Dave drops CM with a 'BatistaBomb' Sitout Powerbomb
WWE Home Video presents "the Best of Smackdown", a 3-disc set commemorating the 10 years of Thursday & Friday nights, available now @ all major DVD retailers & @ www.WWEShop.com
*PLEASE NOTE* The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some Tag Team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.
* * * * *
10/04/09 on PAY-PER-VIEW from the Prudential Center in Newark, New Jersey; now in WWE~HD
RAW commentating by 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole Smackdown commentating by 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross & Slammy-Award-Winning Todd Grisham
HELL IN A CELL, SMACKDOWN HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: the UnderTaker pins champion CM Punk with a 'Tombstone' Elevated Piledriver {PSYCHOLOGY: they started the show with a Heavyweight title match? . . . the only reason I can think they'd do that, would be if the former champion wanted to cash in his rematch clause before the show ends, like when Chris Jericho won the WWF Heavyweight championship on RAW several years ago}
a video package plays, advertizing Bragging Rights, live on pay-per-view, October 25th
SMACKDOWN INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH: champion John Morrison beats Dolph Ziggler with a 'Starship Pain' Split-Legged Corkscrew Moonsault {PSYCHOLOGY: this & the RAW United States Triple Threat match, both had the potential to be the Match of the Night & these guys certainly didn't fail to deliver!}
backstage, ECWWE's Josh Mathews bothers Smackdown's Dave "The Animal" Batista, who introduces his own Tag Team partner, the high-flying, death-defying master of the '619' Tiger Feint Kick, Rey Mysterio Junior, who leaps into his amigo's arms in warm greeting & possibly for bellybutton sex. . . anywho, they're not gonna be recreating magic from when they both 1st won the Smackdown Tag Team titles in 2005, in memory of their mutual friend Eddie Guerrero, they're reuniting Familia, Dave's like Rey's big brother, so when Batista called Mysterio & asked him to team up with him, to go after the WWE Unified Tag Team titles, the Biggest Little Man knew it was something that he had to do ~ the Animal knows that Rey-Rey's got his back; a few months ago, WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho tried to take the mask off of Mysterio ~ his heritage, his pride ~ but tonight he & Dave are gonna take away the belts from the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah & the former WCW Giant; they say that they're the most dominant Tag Team in WWE history, but they've never beaten Amigo Heat, Josh's looking @ the new WWE Unified Tag Team champions
4 dorks dressed as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are seen partying down up in a skybox, distracting everybody from running to the bathroom for the following RAW DIVAS TITLE MATCH: champion Mickie James defeats Alicia Fox with a 'Laree-DT' Implant DDT {PSYCHOLOGY: with quite the authority, @ that!}
WWE UNIFIED TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: champions Worst Case Scenario (the Big Show & Chris Jericho) versus Smackdown's Amigo Heat (Dave "The Animal" Batista & Rey Mysterio Junior); TBS pins Mysterio with a 'Knockout' Straight Punch {PSYCHOLOGY: as Rey-Rey's coming off the top turnbuckle ~ this match felt so '80s, with its pacing!}
WWE thanks Skillet for the song "Monster", from their album Awake {available now}, the official theme for Hell in a Cell
HELL IN A CELL, RAW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: "Legend Killer" Randy Orton beats champion John Cena with a 'Punt' Running Kick to the Head {PSYCHOLOGY: well, it was his last chance to wrestle for the title, so. . . !}
backstage, ECWWE's Josh Mathews bothers Smackdown's "R~Truth" Ron Killings, who declares that now it's time for the moment of truth between him & Drew McIntyre ~ life & opportunities are what you make of them, but it's also about how you go about getting those opportunities; you don't disrespect nobody to get where you wanna be @ {so, you disrespect somebody, then? . . .}, he's taken guff from McIntyre 1 time too many; R~Truth don't know how he does things in Scotland, how he gets in where he's been in. . . but here, in the good ol' USA, to get respect, you have to earn it; Ron's been fighting all his life ~ he ain't new to this, he's true to this & what he's about to give to the Scot, he's earned it & that's the Truth, the whole Truth & nothing but the Truth; SMACKDOWN GRUDGE MATCH: Drew McIntyre defeats "R~Truth" Ron Killings with a 'Criminally Sexy' Swinging Snap Double Underhook DDT {PSYCHOLOGY: okay, so 1st, it's a rather anticlimactic result & 2nd, WHY WAS THIS EVEN ON THE PAY-PER-VIEW?!}
in the Lega¢¥ dressing room, RAW's Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior congratulate Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton on his legendary win over John Cena, the look left on the Doctor of Thuganomics' face was classic. . . so after Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ defeat D-Generation X in their Tornado Tag Team match in the Hell in a Cell later tonight, they're all gonna go out partying to celebrate their victories; dropping his icepack, Randy scoffs @ the idea of his lackeys talking about hitting the town tonight, when they'll hardly be in any condition to party after their match, win or lose; Rhodes & DiBiase know exactly what they're getting into, before RAW Monday night, they were studying the ominous covered steel cage & strategizing. . . not to mention the fact that they're younger & faster than HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, so Ted thinks they have every right to be confident; yeah, Cody's starting to think that Orton's sounding like his old man, WWE Hall of Famer "American Dream" Dusty Rhodes. . . well, dem's towerin' over his lackeys words, as the Legend Killer gets to his feet & states that their cockiness' good, but they have no idea what they're getting into. . . & by the way, he's not the American Dream, he's the RAW Heavyweight champion & if he were Rhode$ to Ri¢he$, he'd listen to a champion; yeah, well, if DiBiase were Orton, he wouldn't underestimate them
before the following match, RAW's Mike "The Miz" Mizanin saunters down to the ring, where he proclaims that tonight he's gonna become the United States champion, but the only problem's that he's gonna win it here, in Newark, New Jersey; he'd like to quote his good friend, Conan O'Brien, by stating that all sewers lead to Newark & it makes sense, why else would the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles be here {Awwwwww, SNAP!}; this is his plea to Major ?? ~ please ban Mizanin from this city forever, so that Mike actually has an excuse never to come back here & if he does that, then the Miz'll make sure that New Jersey's known for something positive, as the place that he became the new U.S. champion; TRIPLE THREAT, RAW UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: champion Kofi Kingston versus Mike "The Miz" Mizanin versus "All-American American" Jack Swagger; Kingston pins Mizanin with a Swagger-Applied 'Orthodontist's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: right before the Jamaican Superstar dropped the All-American American with his own 'Trouble in Paradise' Xuanfengjiao Tornado Kick!}
before the following match even begins, RAW's Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior jump HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, leaving the Showstopper incapacitated in the ring, before dropping the Game with a 'Cross Rhodes' Neckbreaking Reverse DDT up on the ring entrance ramp stage & then locking HBK in the cage for some 2-on-1 action. . . until the King of Kings heads backstage & gets some bolt cutters to get access to the Cell, allowing him to finally become a part of the following MAIN EVENT, HELL IN A CELL, RAW TORNADO TAG TEAM MATCH: D-Generation X (the Cerebral Assassin & the HeartBreak Kid) versus Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ (Rhodes & DiBiase); Michaels beats Rhodes with a 'Sweet Chin Music' Superkick Accentuated with a HHH-Applied Sledgehammer Shot Upside the Head {PSYCHOLOGY: after a sudden reversal of fortunes, with DX locking DiBiase out of the ring, so that they could get some comeuppance on the other Lega¢¥ member!}; after the match, while the cage's being lifted back up to the ceiling, Michaels drops DiBiase with a 'Sweet Chin Music' Superkick as well, leaving Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ laying in their own sputum!
HIGHLIGHTS: in lieu of any notable signs {which I usually enjoy quite a bit}, there was this 1 little girl @ ringside with her replica Divas title, that I thought was kinda cute. . . but there was a wigger @ ringside with my "Winged Eagle" & the Ultimate Warrior's painted white Intercontinental titles; while on his way to the ring for the Hell in a Cell RAW Heavyweight title match, some of the kids @ Empire Theatres Studio 12 were booing John Cena, prompting me to wonder "Are they saying 'Boo' or 'Boo can't see me?'. . ." ; then, later in that match, something looking suspiciously like a blade fell off of the Chain Gang Commander during the match, which the referee snatched up & hid rather quickly in his pocket
Montell Vontavius Porter's joined in the ring by "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry in the VIP Lounge, where MVP welcomes the Celebrity Guest Host of tonight's RAW, here's- WWE Unified Tag Team champions Chris Jericho & the Big Show, who rudely interrupting their scarlet-hued challengers from introducing the Celebrity Guest Host, sauntering down to the ring to bid shame on Porter for trying to give an introduction like that Reverend Al Sharpton, he's more than a Celebrity Guest Host, he's the civil rights leader of our time. . . a man who had the courage to run for the office of President of the United States. . . he's a man who's talented enough to have his own radio show. . . a man who hosted Saturday Night Live. . . a man who {just like the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah himself} tells it the way it is. . . a man who's composure's unshakable. . . a man who has time & again given a voice to those who have none. . . a man who led protests & is a supported of equal rights. . . a man who's about to embark on an American education reform tour ~ the Reverend Al Sharpton, who Living in Americas to the ring, where he thanks both Vontavius & the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions for giving him the best introduction of his life. . . okay, tough crowd. . . just like tomorrow in Philadelphia, Newt Gingridge ? is joining him on a tour to challenge young people on education, to get them to read & decrease the dropout rate; so, if Montell may sum things up, what Sharpton's doing's making sure that the children of the United States get a better education, which's surely something that an arena full of wrestling fans can get behind. . . so, anywho, everybody has to help close the gap in the dropout rates, they need education reform, just like they need some reform in regards to the WWE Unified Tag Team titles; when Sharpton asks the champs what they think of that, Porter instead suggests that, since Al's the Celebrity Guest Host tonight & what he says, goes, MVP & the former Sexual Chocolate should face Beauty & the Beast, Jerishow, for the WWE Unified Tag Team championships, regardless of the title match that they have on deck @ Hell in a Cell this Sunday; once again turning to the champs, the Reverend hears all about the hypocrites & parasites in the RAW Universe from the King of My World, surrounded by liars & people with no morals, Jericho doesn't care what the fans think of them, but Sharpton must understand that they're already competing in a Gauntlet match against Heavyweight champion John Cena later tonight & they can't possibly be expected to take part in a 2nd match. . . besides, Montell & Mark deserve another title shot, as much as these Pharisees, sycophants & gelatinous tapeworms deserve a man of Al's prominence ~ they don't deserve a special education, they're all imbeciles from birth & they shouldn't even have the right to vote, their opinions don't matter & should just accept somebody telling them what's best for them. . . they don't deserve to be in the presence of the WWE Unified Tag Team champions; now hang on a second, they can disagree on stuff like politics, but everybody deserves an opportunity, so allow Al to educate Chris about empowering people, turning to the RAW Universe to ask if they'd want to see a championship match tonight, right now; after a chorus or raucous cheers, Sharpton declares that coming up next's a WWE UNIFIED TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: the World's Strongest Playas (MVP & Henry) versus champions Worst Case Scenario (Y2J & TBS); Jericho pins Porter with a 'Codebreaker' Cradling Falling Double-Kneestrike {PSYCHOLOGY: well, there's how the 1st ¼ of RAW starting with a whisper, ending with a bang!}
DID YOU KNOW. . . visitors spent more time on www.WWEUniverse.com than www.MySpace.com ~ www.Twitter.com ~ www.FaceBook.com ! . . . ; naw, betcha Celebrity Guest Host Reverend Al Sharpton doesn't even believe that, as he entertains Primo Colon in his office, accepting his appreciation for making things better for minorities such as Colon; suddenly, Hornswaggle stampedes into the office, excitedly exclaiming something or other, running around like a leprechaun being chased by somebody, hiding behind the Celebrity Guest Host, until Chavo Guerrero Junior comes in after his vertically-challenged multi-week antagonist, until Sharpton demands an explanation from Chavito Heat & the formerly-assumed fruit of the McMahon grapefruits; Chavo then goes on to call himself the greatest Mexican-American wrestler of all time {no offense to either his father Chavo Guerrero Senior or uncle Eddie Guerrero, I'm sure! . . .}, who then introduces his rather large Caucasian friend "Masterpiece" Chris Masters; oh his god, Santino Marella exclaims that it's the 2 cavemen from those Geico commercials standing before him, so it's very unfortunate that the Milan Miracle & the Tadpole Splasher have to face them tonight, as they just recently saved a buncha money by changing their insurance. . . hey, where's that lizard? . . . ; oh his god again, it's the greatest boxing promoter of all the times. . . no, no, wait, Santino loved him in the original Shaft movies. . . shut your mouth, now everybody outta here, Al's got some educatin' to do!
backstage, ECWWE's Josh Mathews bothers "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, who proclaims that Heavyweight champion John Cena doesn't stand a chance @ surviving tonight's 3-on-1 Gauntlet Match against him & the WWE Unified Tag Team champions, it'd take a miracle for the Doctor of Thuganomics to come out of tonight's slaughter intact. . . but this Sunday, the Chain Gang Commander stands to lose a lot more than his coveted title ~ where the sadistic thrive & the strong are humbled, Orton knows that once that cage door's closed & locked, Randy won't be responsible for his actions & Cena;s will to compete & his struggle to survive will come to a very painful & abrupt end, when he wins the Heavyweight championship
RAW 1st HOUR MAIN EVENT, DIVAS MATCH: champion Mickie James beats Rosa Mendes with a 'Mick Kick' Crescent Kick in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: what, only 2 matches in the 1st hour of RAW?!}
the official theme song for Hell in a Cell's "Monster" by Skillet, from their album Awake, available now
Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior holier-than-thou to the ring, where the latter states that they get it, nobody expects them to win this Sunday, to beat D-Generation X inside the Hell in a Cell. . . but the RAW Universe should start considering the possibility, as for what they've done over the past few weeks. . . they're primed for the single-greatest victory in their young careers, handing out the single-worst defeat to HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels; so for those with short attention spans, or decided to put it of their minds, Rhodes & DiBiase have a special video package set up, replaying the highlights of their dominance over DX, including making the Showstopper tap out @ Breaking Point & further humiliating them on RAW in the weeks that followed ~ nobody expected the Lega¢¥ members to do any of those things; the Game & HBK are 2 of the greatest Superstars walking the face of this earth & RAW's been their sandbox. . . the Cerebral Assassin's a 13-time Heavyweight champion & a surefire 1st-ballot Hall of Famer. . . but after Sunday, he can go pick out that corner office he's had his eye on in WWE Headquarters, joining his relatives in Stamford, Connecticut for what the rest of his career would be. . . & as for the HeartBreak Kid, well, Cody's been in the ring with the man & he can tell the RAW Universe that Shawn's indeed the greatest ring performer to ever breathe. . . he overcame a broken back to come & have some of the most storied matches in wrestling history, things of legend, but these legends will come to a tragic conclusion when D-Generation X step into that Hell in a Cell with Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ this Sunday, when they're standing over the broken heap that was Shawn Michaels; they're not gonna be locked in there with DX, DX's gonna be locked in there with- BORRRRRRRRRRING! exclaims HBK & HHH from a skybox, which makes Ted mock them even harder, they see right through the 2016 WWE Hall of Famer & the King of Kings, they're well aware of the beating that's gonna be dished out to them @ the hands of the former RAW Tag Team champions @ Hell in a Cell; but hey, do Rhodes & DiBiase really think that DX's making fun of them because Michaels & the Game are feeling insecure. . . well, in reality, the reason that they make fun of Rhode$ to Ri¢he$'s because- now hang on, Hunter, Shawn warns him that this is a PG show, so he has to be very careful what he says; right, right, politically correct. . . okay, so Rhodes & DiBiase are like butts, though not the cheeks, so much as the little puckered brown eye. . . & the 2nd reason that they're making fun of the Lega¢¥ members, how can the Game put this in a way that they'll understand ~ say, Cody's a comic book nerd, right? . . . well, y'know when the Hulk calms down & becomes his alter ego Bob Barker- no, the Hulk's really Bruce Banner, Bob Barker's somebody else. . . so anywho, when the monster goes away, there's Bruce Banner, but when Banner's all angry, then the monster comes back. . . but unlike Bruce Banner, DX likes it when the monster comes out & y'know what, why wait for Sunday, as HBK & the Cerebral Assassin head down through the crowd to the ring, where they chase Cody & Ted out into the audience themselves; standing alone in the ring, Shawn declares that it's a shock, after all the talk, here they stand ready to go, while Rhodes & DiBiase run away; they should enjoy the distance between them, because Sunday there'll be no running, no hiding & no joking inside that Cell
DID YOU KNOW. . . last Monday night, RAW was watched by more people 18-49, than the Jay Leno Show on NBC! . . . ; betcha "All-American American" Jack Swagger knew that, as he saunters down to the ring, wearing Kofi Kingston's United States title around his waist, to compete in the following match, where he defeats Evan Bourne with an 'Orthodontist's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: a sound thrashing for the U.S. title contender!}; after the match, Swagger declares that it's just a matter of time, he has the look & the athleticism, as well as the belt, so it's now merely a formality for him to be crowned the next U.S. champion; out steps Mike "The Miz" Mizanin, who reminds us that he's made the most impact on RAW since the last draft, as well as being the most unpredictable, not to mention that he's garnered more attention than anybody. . . therefore, Mike's gonna be the next United States champion & everybody knows it; well, that's all Jack can stands & he can't stands no more, as the 2 tarheelians fall fighting, while the Jamaican Sensation storms the ring to reclaim his title once more
WWE Home Video presents "the Best of Smackdown", a 3-disc set commemorating the 10 years of Thursday & Friday nights, available now @ all major DVD retailers & @ www.WWEShop.com
TAG TEAM MATCH: Through Being Cool (Chavo Guerrero Junior & "Masterpiece" Chris Masters) versus My Tuscaloosa Heart (Santino Marella & Hornswaggle); Masters makes Marella Submit with a 'Masterlock' Swinging Full-Nelson {PSYCHOLOGY: sure, why not?}; after the match, as the Masterpiece has Horny clamped into a smaller version of the 'Master Lock' Swinging Full-Nelson, Chavito Heat lays 1 upside the chops of his partner, then leaves the ring with a rather perturbed expression
RAW 2nd HOUR MAIN EVENT, 3-ON-1 GAUNTLET MATCH: Heavyweight champion John Cena beats WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho via Disqualification After Y2J Refused to Released the 'King Crab' Boston Crab; the Doctor of Thuganomics defeats WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion the Big Show via Disqualification After the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions Interferes; the Chain Gang Commander versus "Legend Killer" Randy Orton Goes to a No Contest, After the Cell Lowers & Both Men Climb on Top, where Cena Drops Orton with an 'Attitude Adjuster' Fireman's Slam {PSYCHOLOGY: ummmmm. . . sure! . . . whatever floats your boat, Vinnie-Mac!}
09/29/09 originating on SyFy {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night
commentating by Josh Mathews & the Slammy Award-winner Matt Striker
from the TD Garden in Boston, Massachusetts; now in WWE~HD
before the show starts, William Regal regrets to inform us that the esteemed General Manager, Tiffany, was involved in a terrible car accident this past week & while doctors say she'll make a full recovery, her injuries will prevent her from being here tonight; the WWE Board of Directors have chosen him as the Interim GM, due to his personal experience in these matters & have also instructed him to not make any decisions that'll effect the Heavyweight championship, such as #1 Contendership matches; as the General Manager, though, Regal has the sway to make this week's main event much more interesting than that, as he plans to pit champion Christian against Zack Ryder, Vladimir Kozlov, Ezekiel Jackson & himself, in a 4-on-1 Handicap match
WWE Hall of Famer "Mister USA" Tony Atlas announces that tonight, on the Abraham Washington Show, Smackdown Intercontinental champion John Morrison's going to be the special guest; Washington himself declares the ECWWE Universe too much, then himself the most entertaining man in entertainment; this week's very big for WWE, as this Sunday's Hell in a Cell on pay-per-view & this Friday's Decade of Smackdown Celebration, with tonight's guest knowing a bit about both these things, as a former ECWWE Heavyweight champion & Smackdown Tag Team co-champion, as well as the current I-C champion; the Shaman of Sexy saunters out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where Abraham compliments on Morrison's swanky new t-shirt, which he got @ www.WWEShop.com where all WWE Universe residents can get their own, right now; before John gets started, he proclaims that it's good to be back on ECWWE, then compliments Atlas on his laugh, Morrison's considering using it as his new ringtone. . . but before they go any further here, the Friday Night Delight wants to drop some knowledge on Abraham Washington ~ he likes what the man does here, contrary to apparent popular reaction from the ECWWE Universe in the arena tonight; well, John'd know something about hosting a very successful talk show, as he was ½ of the original ECWWE talk show, the Dirt Sheet, with RAW's Mike "The Miz" Mizanin; as Mister USA laughs & how awesome he is, after the Shaman of Sexy comparing himself to Washington & by association Atlas' the Miz, but in all honesty there's no comparison, since Tony's in the Hall of Fame & Mizanin never will be. . . but Mike does remind John a lot of his opponent, Smackdown's Dolph Ziggler for this Sunday & it's not just because they're both white, they're both delusional about winning their respective title matches @ Hell in a Cell; Ziggler's a talented Superstar & if he ever becomes even ½ as good as he thinks he is, he'll be a champion 1 day, but that day won't be Sunday, because the I-C title's staying right around the waist of the Friday Night Delight; out comes Dolph himself, who's apparently invited himself; excuse Abraham, this isn't the set of Rocky 4, there's no call for Dolph Lungren to go showing up unannounced & uninvited, so don't make Washington go Apollo Creed on his arse; now hang on, didn't Ivan Draco kill Apollo Creed in Rocky 4. . . hmm, good point, so it's unfortunate that they're all out of time, so maybe Ziggler's people can call Abraham's people & we'll all see what they're able to put together for next week; before Dolph can retort, Morrison pipes up, stating that what Washington's trying to say's he should say good night, Mister Ziggles; well, dem's fumin' words, as even Tony Atlas gets a zing in on the #1 Contender for the Smackdown Intercontinental title
before the following match can even begin, Sheamus O'Shaunessy assaults "Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin, leaving him easy pickings for "Ripper" Paul Burchill; Benjamin pins Burchill with a 'Paydirt' Leaping Reverse Space Tornado Ogawa {PSYCHOLOGY: ever after the Rowdy Scot assailed Shelton before the bout began!}
DID YOU KNOW. . . more people watched ECWWE last Tuesday night, than any show on TBS, the Discovery Channel, Adult Swim & TNT! . . . ; betcha Skillet knew that, as they provide the official Hell in a Cell theme song, "Monster" from their album Awake, available now
MAIN EVENT, 8-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH: North, South, East & West (the 24 Karat Stratocasters {Yoshi Tatsu & Goldust} & ECWWE Attitude {Heavyweight champion Christian & "Innovator of Extreme" Tommy Dreamer}) versus the Shenaniganizers (Zack Ryder & the Tormentors {Interim General Manager William Regal & the Rough Riders [Vladimir Kozlov & Ezekiel Jackson]}); Tatsu beats Regal with a 'Mawashi Gen' Roundhouse Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: hey, wait a second ~ Regal made this a 4-on-1 Handicap match, what happened there? . . . & why the hell was there only 2 matches?!}
10/01/09 originating on WGN America {in the United States}
RAW commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole ECWWE commentating by Josh Mathews & Slammy Award-winner Matt Striker Smackdown commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross & the Slammy Award-winner Todd Grisham
SMACKDOWN MATCH: Shad Gaspard defeats Tyson Kidd with a 'Thugnificent' Pendulum Urinagi Slam {PSYCHOLOGY: ahh YEAH!!!}; a video package plays, showing this week's edition of Ask the Divas; "When you were little, what did you want to be?" asks WWE Universe resident HellBender. . . Smackdown's Natalya Neidhart wanted to be an entertainer, she was always a ham & loves lots of attention. . . Smackdown's Layla El wanted to be a professional dancer, of course. . . ECWWE's Bella Twins wanted to be a supermodel & own their own flower shop, respectively. . . Smackdown Women's champion Michelle McCool wanted to be a WWE Diva & here she is, living the dream; "I'm on the go constantly ~ how do you keep a relationship?" queries WWE Universe resident Corky. . . RAW Divas champion Mickie James doesn't. . . RAW's Alicia Fox uses a very special weapon. . . Smackdown's Eve Torres suggests that the most important thing in a long-distance relationship's trust, if you lose that, then you lose everything. . . RAW's Alicia Fox uses her Blackberry. . . RAW's "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix has learned not to mix business & pleasure {1 word, Santino!}; anybody who needs advise, can log onto www.WWEUniverse.com
DID YOU KNOW. . . last Thursday night, Superstars was watched by more people 18-49, than Larry King Live on CNN! . . . ; betcha ECWWE's Sheamus O'Shaughnessy knew that, as he saunters to ring for the following ECWWE MATCH: the Celtic Warrior pins Tyler Reks with a 'Cabra Gaelscoil' Bicycle Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: no, Sheamus isn't an albino, because his hair, beard & eyebrows aren't nearly as pale as his skin! . . .}
MAIN EVENT, RAW MATCH: United States champion Kofi Kingston beats Mike "The Miz" Mizanin with a 'Trouble in Paradise' Xuanfengjiao Tornado Kick in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: a nice bout, but it's just too bad it wasn't a title match, though. . .}; after the match, RAW's "All-American American" Jack Swagger storms the ring, where he takes down both men with an 'Orthodontist's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb, further softening them up for the Triple Threat match Sunday @ Hell in a Cell
10/02/09 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}
commentating by Slammy Award-winner Todd Grisham & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross
from the TD Garden in Boston, Massachusetts; now in WWE~HD
the Decade of Smackdown Celebration kicks off with a video package, running down the 10 year history of the Blue Brand; afterward, Ross & Grisham are in the ring, where they pander to the Boston Smackdown Universers, then go backstage to show a bevy of Superstars celebrating the 10 Anniversary of Smackdown
SMACKDOWN MOMENT #64: December 16th, 2005 saw Amigo Heat (Dave "The Animal" Batista & Rey Mysterio Junior) take on Tag Team champions MNM (Joey Mercury & Johnny Nitro), winning the straps for their fallen friend, the late Eddie Guerrero; Batista defeats Kane with a 'BatistaBomb' Sitout Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: well, given that the Bald Red Machine didn't have a title match @ Hell in a Cell in a few days, it was a bit of a no-brainer as to who was to come out on top of this match, which was a solid opener to any show!}
backstage, Smackdown General Manager Theodore R. Long holla-holla-hollas @ the assembled RAW, ECWWE & Smackdown Superstars enjoying the party, until he comes across RAW's Hornswaggle, who slaps Smackdown's Maria Kanellis across the rump, prompting RAW commentator Michael Cole to exclaim that it's Classic Hornswaggle! . . . then Smackdown's Fit Finlay strays on by & chastises Teddy for ordering a Diet Pepsi, instead calling for his son to give them 4 Irish Whiskeys, which in turn prompts Cole to declares Vintage Finlay! . . . well, maybe Long'll have just 1, as Fit has a toast, to all their health, a decade of Smackdown & loving to fight; when Smackdown Heavyweight champion CM Punk steps in to tell his GM not to drink that, Cole wears out his welcome by shouting Vintage Punk! . . . then the Straight-Edge Superstar asks if the Superstars are ashamed of themselves, with him @ the helm, it's not Prohibition Rules here on Friday nights; CM goes on to declare that they all pay close attention to tonight's main event, as he's set to put on display why the Straight Edge lifestyle's the way to be; EXCUSE HER! . . . it's former Smackdown & RAW General Manager Vickie Guerrero, who's been watching the show & can't believe that Long lifted the ban on the UnderTaker's 'Devil's Gate' Figure 4 Chokehold, what was he thinking, some people just don't have a backbone to run this show; enter Latina Heat's hot new boyfriend Eric, who was just signed onto Smackdown today by WWE Owner Vince McMahon, with Mamacita Heat as his manager; RAW's Santino Marella nearly causes a real-life coronary for Teddy, dressed as the Dead Man, proclaiming this an awesome costume party! . . . ; DID YOU KNOW. . . WWE offers all U.S. Military personnel free tickets to its live events in the United States! . . . ; betcha RAW's Michael Cole knew that, as he drunkenly declares these to be Vintage Shrimp! . . . then the Tough Irish **** takes his last shrimp, then calls Horny over to deliver a platter full of shots, which prompts Cole to make a height joke about Horny bringing over some more shrimp, which scores Michael a boot to the shin; now off to the VIP Lounge, where RAW's Montell Vontavius Porter & "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry let him in, while simultaneously dissing ECWWE's Zack Ryder, who tries to buy his way in with a coupla buck. . . well, if there's room, Henry'll think about it, but 1st he has to join MVP in welcoming the former United States champion's former Tag Team champion partner, Smackdown's Matt Hardy, who's lucky enough to be joined by RAW's Kelly Kelly & a bevy of WWE Divas, WWE Hall of Famer Sergeant Slaughter & the Iron Sheik. . . but no Zack Ryder
a video package plays, showing the Smackdown legacy of the late WWE Hall of Famer Eddie Guerrero
RAW's "All-American American" Jack Swagger joins Ross & Grisham @ ringside for special guest commentary for the following SMACKDOWN 1st HOUR MAIN EVENT, RAW VERSUS SMACKDOWN INTER-PROMOTIONAL TAG TEAM MATCH: We Ain't No Make Believe (Smackdown Intercontinental champion John Morrison & RAW United States champion Kofi Kingston) versus Team Pompous (Smackdown's Dolph Ziggler & RAW's Mike "The Miz" Mizanin); Ziggler pins Morrison with an 'NTN' Jumping Russian Legsweep {PSYCHOLOGY: Kofi's from Guana, South Africa, now?!}
backstage @ the Smackdown 10th Anniversary Celebration, ECWWE's Yoshi Tatsu & Smackdown's "Kung" Fu-Naki are doing karaoke of the theme song of RAW's 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, "Sexy Boy", interrupted by RAW's Jillian Hall; then, WWE Hall of Famers Sergeant Slaughter & the Iron Sheik are arguing merits of their respective countries, then when the Sheik starts choking on something, ECWWE's Hurricane Helms swoops in to make the save; meanwhile, RAW's Michael Cole's wearing a black cowboy hat & screaming "Boomer Sooners!" while wolfing down more shrimp, starting to feel the inevitable stomach-churning sensation that comes from overeating & liberal libations, as supplied by RAW's Hornswaggle & Smackdown's Fit Finlay; WWE Unified Tag Team champions Chris Jericho & the Big Show walk in, calling for attention, as Y2J proclaims that tonight's party should be in their honour, as they were both on the very 1st episode of Smackdown all those years ago, so not only are they the most dominant Tag Team in WWE history, they're also the most tenured on Friday nights; even Stevie Wonder can see this 1 coming, as Cole's looking about as green as the Hurricane's costume, while Finlay & Hornswaggle continue feeding him shot after shot; it's time for the Superstars to wrap up this party & start showing the WWE Unified Tag Team champions the respect that they deserve. . . cue Cole's upset stomach, voiding itself orally all over the nice expensive shoes of the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah, which in turn causes the former WCW Giant to hurl his own most recent meal, prompting WWE Hall of Famer "Mister USA" Tony Atlas to let loose another peal of Totally-Not-Fake Laughter®
a video package plays, showing Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson @ his home, in front of replicas of all the WWF & WWE titles that he's won, recording a heartfelt greeting for the Smackdown Universe; hello, apparently Dwayne Johnson's returned to Friday nights ~ naw, that's not right. . . technically, the People's Champion's found his way to the WWE ~ that's not it either. . . hygienically, the Great 1's breath has never been fresher ~ that's a keeper, that's- no, it's not right, you don't have to tell the Rock that it's not the right promo. . . spiritually, the Brahma Bull's as 1 with nature ~ well, that sucked, he's searching for something, from somewhere in the cockle or sub-cockle region, he'll get it. . . who in the blue hell's Dolph Ziggler? . . . say, is that the Rock's latte, finally! . . . wait, there's something to that ~ FINALLY! . . . on the show that he started, the show that he put on the map, the show that was named after him! . . . FINALLY, The ROCK HAS COME BACK TO SMACKDOWN! . . . you take this mic, shine it up real nice, turn it sideways & shove it straight up your- naw, just joking around, he's not into inserting inanimate objects into other people's orifices anymore; 10 years, Smackdown's been on the air & the Rock was there to begin it all, to change the English language forever, layin' the smackdown on all you candy ****. . . from dropping the most electrifying move in all sports entertainment, the People's Elbow & unleashing the Rock Bottom, the Rock's baby left him & he found a new place to dwell, it's down @ the end of Jabroni Drive, that Smackdown Hotel; from the very 1st time that the Rock walked out onto Smackdown as the WWF Heavyweight champion, every fan from Berlin to Boston was chanting the Rock's name; now, 10 years later, who's champion, some Jabroni named CM Punk, Straight-Edge dude, never drinks or smokes, always sits down when he's using the toilet, yeah you know who the Rock's talking about; he shouldn't be called CM Punk, it should be BM Punk, for Bowel Movement, which's what the audience wants to take when they hear the Smackdown Heavyweight champion start talking; the Rock's never faced Punk, but he's faced Punk's opponent this Sunday @ Hell in a Cell, the UnderTaker, who he's sold out arenas with in the past, they have an extensive history together, he was whipping the Dead Man's arse all around the world- okay, well, technically it was only 1 time & it was by Disqualification, so guys, let's just edit that out, because the Phenom's 6' 10", 350 pounds & the People's Champion doesn't want to get a 'Tombstone' Elevated Piledriver for his impudence. . . what, the director's arguing with the Brahma Bull now, has he ever been Tombstoned? . . . it's not some kinda pleasant experience, y'know, unlike the Rock tearing this Jabroni director's shirt open ~ erm, on 2nd thought, go shave that & get back behind the camera, his man-bush's disturbing. . . but not as disturbing as what's gonna happen to the Straight-Edge Superstar this Sunday when he steps into that Hell in a Cell against 'Taker; the Rock says there's gonna be a new Heavyweight champion Sunday, but this show's always gonna belong to the Jabroni-beatin', pie-eatin', has no peer, has no flaw, now that he's tried Smackdown, maybe it's time for the Rock to Guest-Host RAW. . . he'll be the most electrifying host in RAW history, get ready for it, IF YOU SMELlLlLlLlLlLlLlL WHAT The ROCK's COOKIN'!
WWE Home Video presents "the Best of Smackdown", "The Rise & Fall of WCW" & "Night of Champions 2009", available now @ all major DVD retailers & @ www.WWEShop.com
every single WWE Diva not directly involved in the following match, saunter to the ring to provide heterosexual-male-inspired assistance in the following LUMBERJILLS, SMACKDOWN WOMEN'S TITLE MATCH: champion Michelle McCool beats Melina Perez with a 'Faith Breaker' Piledriving Faceplant {PSYCHOLOGY: Divas, Divas, everywhere & not a drop to drink!}
a video package plays, showing the UnderTaker declaring that Smackdown Heavyweight champion CM Punk's about to enter the domain of the Dead Man ~ a place of eternal torment, where there's no forgiveness, only vengeance; 'Taker will not only win the title, but he'll also know the Straight-Edge Superstar off his black horse of righteousness & the pills & alcohol that Punk so despises will soon be a necessary evil in his life; welcome to Hell's Playground, Satan's Structure, Hell in a Cell!
DID YOU KNOW. . . more males under 55 watched Smackdown last Friday, than every show on ABC, Fox, NBC or CBS! . . . ; betcha the WWE Superstars knew that, as they're all still backstage partying it up, until Drew McIntyre saunters in with something to say. . . as the newest member of Smackdown, allow him to make a toast. . . here's to Smackdown, the soon-to-be Heavyweight champion & the party just getting started; well, somehow dem's fightin' words for "R~Truth" Ron Killings, who jumps Drew from behind & the pair fall fighting, until some WWE Officials break it up
SMACKDOWN MOMENT #100: April 14th, 2005, which saw Heavyweight champion John Cena debuts the now-infamous "Spinner" belt, to the chagrin of every serious wrestling fan on the globe; as well, here's SMACKDOWN MOMENT #32: September 28th, 2008, where then-General Manager Vickie Guerrero banished the UnderTaker from the WWE, stripping him of the Heavyweight title. . . naturally spawning some Dead Man comeuppance for Mamacita Heat, which's capped off with a 'Tombstone' Elevated Piledriver; but never mind all that now, as it's finally time for the SMACKDOWN 2nd HOUR MAIN EVENT, RAW VERSUS SMACKDOWN INTER-PROMOTIONAL 8-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH, The Biggest 8-Man Tag Team in The History of Smackdown (RAW's D-Generation X {HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels} & 2Pac {RAW Heavyweight champion John Cena & Smackdown's UnderTaker}) versus The 4 Horsemen of Self-Righteousness (Smackdown Heavyweight champion CM Punk & RAW's Lega¢¥ {"Legend Killer" Randy Orton & Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ [Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior]}); the Phenom defeats the Legend Killer with a 'Tombstone' Elevated Piledriver {PSYCHOLOGY: funny, for some reason I figured either the Doctor of Thuganomics or the Straight-Edge Superstar would've scored the win in this match, but it was hellaciously entertaining regardless!}; after the match, all 4 members of the winning team get their spotlight, heading into their Hell in a Cell matches in 2 days
HEADLINE NEWS: Future Endeavor-Aftered? - Jeff Hardy's legal issues may not be doing any favours to his brother Matt. On September 16th, there was reportedly a discussion within WWE, about what they wanted to do with Matt going forward. He was @ the Smackdown taping on the 15th in Hamilton, but wasn't used & didn't even work a dark match. Hardy did end up working house show events later that week, headlining against Heavyweight champion CM Punk @ Smackdown/ECWWE events. While he wasn't used on Smackdown this past week, Matt did work the Superstars taping against Kane. As for Jeff, www.wrestling-radio.com reported earlier that he pulled his personal Twitter & MySpace accounts & nobody's being allowed to say anything else on advice from legal.
- If the WWE doesn't put out the Jeff Hardy DVD in December, a likely replacement will be a Chris Jericho compilation DVD. WWE's still working on the Rainbow-Haired Charismatic Enigmatic Warrior DVD though, so either way, I win!
- The Wednesday, October 4th hearing will be a probable cause hearing, before the Moore County Criminal District Court in Carthage, North Carolina. That hearing will determine if 1) a crime has been committed & 2) if the defendant probably committed it. If the determination's made that Jeff probably did, the case would then be passed on to a Grand Jury, which would review the evidence & make a decision regarding whether or not to criminally indict Hardy on the numerous drug-related charges he was arrested for on September 11th. Should the Charismatic Enigma end up indicted, he'd then be transferred to Superior Court to be tried, unless he opts to make a plea bargain with the prosecution somewhere along in the process. So, it's still very early in the case against the Rainbow-Haired Warrior.
PAY-PER-VIEW NEWS: Hell in a Cell, No Surrender, WrestleMania, Turning Point, Survivor Series & Bound for Glory - Confirmed matches from Hell in a Cell this Sunday: HELL IN A CELL Match, RAW Heavyweight Champion John Cena versus "Legend Killer" Randy Orton. . . HELL IN A CELL Match, Smackdown Heavyweight Champion CM Punk versus the Undertaker. . . HELL in a CELL Tornado Tag Team Match, D-Generation X (2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels & HHH) versus Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ (Cody Rhodes & Ted diBiase Junior). . . Smackdown INTERCONTINENTAL Champion John Morrison versus Dolph Ziggler. . . WWE UNIFIED TAG Team Champions Worst Case Scenario (Chris Jericho & the Big Show) versus Smackdown's Amigo Heat (Dave "The Animal" Batista & Rey Mysterio Junior). . . RAW UNITED STATES Champion Kofi Kingston versus Mike "The Miz" Mizanin versus "All-American American" Jack Swagger in a Triple Threat match. . . RAW Divas champion Mickie James versus Alicia Fox
- During Sunday night’s TNA No Surrender 2009 PPV, Mick Foley & Taz made a couple of cracks @ their former boss, WWE Owner Vince McMahon’s expense on commentary. They joked about being yelled @ through their headsets & Mickles said he can also call a title belt a “title belt” if he wants to. The story behind this is that Vince prefers the term “championship” rather than “title belt” or "strap" & yells @ his announcers over the headsets, if they don’t comply. Check out my review of the PPV here
- The Business Review had an article this week, noting that the city of Atlanta's also hoping to bid on the chance to host WrestleMania in 2011. Gary Stokan, president of the Atlanta Sports Council added, "This has the potential to be a huge economic impact."
- We've received a picture of the TNA Turning Point poster ~ the pay-per-view happens on November 15th in Orlando, Florida
- Likewise, we're also received a picture of the Survivor Series poster ~ the event goes down on November 22th @ the Verizon Center, in Washingston DC
- TNA reached out to WWE Hall of Famer Terry Funk to work the Bound For Glory pay-per-view later this month. Apparently they wanted Funk to be involved in the Abyss versus Executive Shareholder Mick Foley match. Meanwhile, here's the updated card, with several new bouts confirmed: TNA HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION "Phenomenal" AJ Styles versus Sting. . . WRESTLING'S BEST VersuS WRESTLING'S FUTURE, Kurt Angle versus "Blueprint" Matt Morgan. . . MMA VersuS TNA MATCH, Bobby Lashley versus Samoa Joe. . . MONSTER'S BALL MATCH, Foley versus The Monster. . . ULTIMATE X, #1 CONTENDERSHIP, X DIVISION TITLE MATCH, Suicide versus "the Pope" D'Angelo Dinero versus Chris Daniels versus Homicide. Also, TNA's reached a deal with DirecTV to air a "Countdown to Bound for Glory" show, modeled after UFC's "Countdown" shows. The show's set to premieres next week & will be replayed regularly on the station.
WWE NEWS: Cena, RAW Guest Host, wWE Has Heart, Mysterio, McMahonoplizing TV, Smackdown Versus RAW 2010 & Roberts Tweets - WWE Hall-of-Famer Jim Ross updated his blog & you can read the latest posting @ www.jrsbarbq.com
- RAW Heavyweight Champion John Cena was asked by Slam Wrestling, whether the locker room's talking about the signings of Bryan Danielson & Nigel Mc****ss. "Certainly, if the locker room remembers that Velocity match {between Cena & Danielson} a long time ago, they're much more of the historian category than I am," Cena said. "We're always happy to get any sort of talent. I think Bryan will be a wonderful acquisition for the program, as well as any of our developmental superstars." John also spoke about younger wrestlers, who are getting a chance to shine. "The good news is that the company isn't clearly behind 1 person," he said. "They're kind of spreading themselves out to see who works out. Between Mike ''the Miz' Mizanin, between {John} Morrison, between Sheamus {O'Shaunessy}, between Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase Junior, Kofi Kingston ~ there are so many guys that are getting a shot ~ finally. It's just good to see a lot of people getting a shot @ once, rather than the company firmly backing 1 individual."
- It was announced Monday night that next week's RAW guest host's Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who will apparently be accompanied by his entire offensive line. . . & just in case that doesn't turn your stomach just a little bit, Sherri Shepard's expected to guest host RAW sometime in October
- WWE has invited a 12-year-old wrestling fan from Massachusetts, who's recovering from a heart transplant, to attend their next event in the area, if he's well enough to go.
- WWE will be releasing a 368 page book on November 3rd, titled "Rey Mysterio: Behind the Mask", where Mysterio talks candidly about his more-than-20-year career, including "behind-the-scenes dirt" on the collapse of World Championship Wrestling, why he wishes he hadn't succeeded in fighting plans for his 1999 unmasking, background on his signature maneuvers, the impact of Eddie Guerrero on his career, dealing with personal struggles during his WWE career & much more.
- The WWE's next move's to launch a cable network, which Owner Vince McMahon hopes to get off the ground within 2 years. While that objective's challenging in today's economic environment, WWE programming does well & there's a vast library of content to fill the void between new shows {in addition to wrestling, WWE also operates a small movie studio, video games & a record label} Plus, the success of McMahon's pay-per-view events has him feeling pretty confident. "We have a lot of clout," Vinnie Mac said.
- The Championship Scramble has been added to the Smackdown versus RAW 2010 video game ~ read more about it here
- WWE ring announcer Justin Roberts is apparently upset over reports saying he scolded new ring announcer Lauren Mayhew @ Tuesday's SmackDown taping, over flubbing her cues. Roberts wrote the following on his Twitter account: "SO funny {& disturbing} reading 'news' on the Internet, which is why I quit reading/watching any news. 90% is speculation & opinion. . . So 90% is false. Smackdown was AWESOME last night, as it is every week. No scolding of any kind & every1 did the job they were booked 2 do."
TNA NEWS: Sting, Booker TNA, Monday iMPACT!, Steiner & Dixie Wants Hogan - For all the latest Total NonStop Action news, join the MySpace TNA community @ www.myspace.com/wrestlingwarlordtnafan
- While the last we heard was that Sting had yet to make a final decision, in regards to a future with TNA past October, www.Prowrestling.net is reporting that the Stinger's expected to continue working past next month's TNA Bound For Glory pay-per-view. There's talk within the company of having him work a retirement tour, that'd keep him with TNA until the spring of 2010.
- Booker TNA's reputation among those in the locker room isn't particularly good @ the moment. According to a report on www.pwtorch.com the Main Event Mafia member's widely regarded as the most selfish wrestler in the TNA locker room ~ a sharp contrast from his wife Sharmell. Many are observing closely to see if President Dixie Carter follows through on what she's been saying, about cutting ties with individuals who don't support the company's newfound youth movement.
- Is iMPACT! moving to Monday nights? Not likely. . . that’s the answer from Spike TV. As long as iMPACT! remains on Spike TV, it would seem that neither Dixie Carter nor Jeff Jarrett will get their wish of moving to Monday nights, in an attempt to go head-to-head with RAW. The main reason behind this, being that in the cases where RAW was pre-empted & moved to Thursday, iMPACT! lost ½ of their viewers on their own night! On top of that, Spike TV will no longer be showing replays of iMPACT! beginning next week ~ it'll air on Thursdays @ 9 PM EST & that'll be the only airing. But, as always, somebody will post it to YouTube, if you do miss it on Thursdays.
- To update on our previous report regarding Scott Steiner possibly leaving TNA if Jeff Jarrett doesn’t return: This news doesn’t seem to surprise many within both the TNA office & locker room alike. Freakzilla & JJ have always had a close friendship outside of work & Jeff was always known as the 1 guy in WCW who could calm Scott down, when he started going off on people. In January, several reports came out detailing Big Poppa Pump’s rough physical shape. A story going around was that he takes a full hour to warm up for a match, although other reports stated this was an over-exaggeration. A fellow wrestler was quoted as saying: "He can't bend over & tie his shoe, because of his lower back pain. His stretching routine before matches's barbaric, just so he has the mobility to get through a match, because he's wound so tight.” Despite concern from friends that he‘s too big, Steiner continues to prioritize muscle-mass over everything else. He’s made it clear that he has no interest in appearing on-camera if he feels that he looks small or weak. So why does his head appear on camera, then?
- Regarding the company’s mission to create new stars, TNA President Dixie Carter's currently telling employees that they may have to take a step backwards, before they can move forward. As previously reported, company sources say Russo is “on a mission” to make lesser-known talent more popular than ever before. Dixie has identified "Blueprint" Matt Morgan, Hernandez and "Phenomenal" AJ Styles as her top favourites in the company. Russo isn't considered to be on thin ice, due to the slumping ratings. Carter's said to realize that the TV networks are airing 1st-run material again & that college football's running opposite iMPACT on Thursday nights. She believes that reason ~ along with the increased presence of lesser-known talent on iMPACT ~ is a fair explanation for the ratings slump. While it may appear that Carter's completely behind Russo, there was talk within TNA that she would be willing to fire him, had her recent negotiations with WWE Hall of Famer Hulk Hogan led to him signing a contract. Hogan apparently still won't work with Russo & 1 story making the rounds is that he wanted Kevin Sullivan & Kevin Nash to be the bookers, if he was to join TNA. The deal obviously never went through & it appears that talks between the 2 sides are finished.
HAUGHTY HOTTIES NEWS: Lacey, Dawn Marie, Torrie, Tiffany, Rhaka Khan, Hamada, Traci, Lilian & Ashley - To read the coolest news on the hottest women in wrestling today, check out Shimmer's official Yahoo! Group -- sports.groups.yahoo.com/group/shimmerwre...
- Lacey Von Erich, the newest member of the TNA roster, feels Angelina Love wasn't a good fit in "The Beautiful People" group. The 3rd generation wrestle replaced Love as a member of the group on last night's episode of iMPACT! "I feel like it was made for me & she {Angelina} wasn't a good fit for it, in my opinion," Von Erich told the Miami Herald. "I thought that everybody was going to be, 'Oh no. Angelina's gone,' but not 1 person said that. Nobody really missed her that much. I feel like I can fill the shoes that I'm supposed to." Read the article in it's entirety here
- This just in from Dawn Maria Psaltis' account: "Hey everybody! For those in the Philadelphia area, I'll be appearing @ the Ultimate Collectibles & Autograph Convention this Saturday & Sunday in Oaks, Pennsylvania from 10:30am - 4:30pm both days. Please come & say hey to me, if you come there! For more info, go to mp-events.net" Well, it's a pretty long walk, but what Dawn Marie wants, Dawn Marie gets ~ I'll be right over!!
- Here's the latest from former WWE Diva Torrie Wilson's MySpace: "Hey guys!! I just wanted to let you all know that, after cleaning my closets @ home, I'm putting a few of my event-worn items up for bid on eBay! Make sure to check them out! I'll be donating proceeds to a few of my favorite charities, so you don't feel a bit too guilty about it! Love you all & hope you are having a GREAT week!! xox-Tor"
- ECWWE General Manager Tiffany wasn't in a car accident, as they claimed on last night's ECWWE episode ~ she actually suffered a broken arm {or possibly her wrist} taking a Dominator in a loss to Queen of FCW Mia Mancini @ last Thursday's Florida Championship Wrestling TV taping in Florida. It's possible they'll work the injury into her on-air character when she returns, blaming the "car accident".
- Rhaka Khan made a wrestling convention appearance this past weekend, where she was telling people she believes she's done with TNA & is basically being paid to sit out her contract. Well, if it came down to choosing between her & Kurt Angle. . . yeah, she's gonna be sitting out the rest of her contract. . .
- New TNA Knockout Ayako Hamada had a story to tell about new ECWWE Superstar Yoshi Tatsu, in a recent interview with Japan's Tokyo Sun newspaper. "I can't work for WWE. I wouldn't normally object to it, but as long as Naofumi {Yamamoto, who portrays Tatsu} is there, I can't. We met up a few times in Japan & it was terrible. The man's a sleaze & is constantly trying to get a feel of any woman he comes across. When I was eating lunch 1 time, he sat on my lap & started running his fingers through my hair. When I told him to get off, he did. But he only sat next to me & started doing it again. He asked me for my number, but I wouldn't give it to him & walked away. He followed me & kept asking for it & even stood in front of the garbage can where I was to throw out my lunch. He literally grabbed my lunch from my hands & threw it out. I walked away, but he followed me again & kept tapping me on my shoulder. I wanted to hit him, but I'm not the physical type, so I just kept on telling him off. He rubbed my hair again before walking away. On his way out, he blew me a kiss. I saw him a few more times after that & the same things would happen. I can't be around that man & I hope those women in WWE stay as far away from him as possible. He's trouble." "Legend Killer" Randy Orton on a plane ride back from the UK, trouble, you mean?
- New photos of Traci Brooks will be posted on the Playboy website this Thursday, but you can check them out single-handedly here
- Just in case you were holding out that her wedding was an elaborate hoax, allowing Lilian Garcia to elude you for a few months while she renewed that restraining order, check out this picture & weep!
- Last week, we showed you the video of Lilian Garcia's off-air footage from RAW, dancing with her now-husband in the ring, before she left the WWE for the last time. But what wasn't included in the video, was the whole D-Generation X rant, with Heavyweight champion John Cena & Lilian herself in the ring. As Garcia got in the DX "position" ~ hands on knees & bending over a little bit ~ a super-excited Doctor of Thuganomics jumped & did the pose from behind Lilian, getting laughs from the crowd for obvious reasons. Then Garcia, who was behind HHH, slapped his butt & The Game said "I give you 20 minutes to stop that!" Lilian then did some moves in the ring & the Cerebral Assassin was trying to get $1 from Cena & "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels to put down her top. The King of Kings then proceeded to do his usual "for the 1000s in attendance" stuff & Lilian joined HBK to tell the crowd that they have 2 words for them! Pretty hilarious video. You can see it here
- Former WWE Diva Ashley Massaro noted on her Twitter, that she'll be posing for Playboy again. "Officially got word, my next Playboy cover shoot's approaching rapidly! Finally yay! I assume should be out by winter!!!!!! Booyaaaaaaa." I couldn't've said it better myself!
DECLARATION of INDEPENDENTS NEWS: Nature Boy Lottery Winner, Bret Hart, Dragon Gate USA, Awesome Bomb Fight Radio & More - To view an up-to-date listing of all the omnivorous upcoming independent shows, check out www.prowrestlingevents.tk/
- A pro wrestling fan's the 1st winner of North Carolina’s new $100,000 scratch-off lottery game, featuring WWE Hall of Famer "Nature Boy" Ric Flair. Frankie Shirley visited the Tobacco Shop on in Asheboro this week & saw the new “Wooooooooo!” instant scratch-off game. As a long-time fan of the Nature Boy, he decided to give it a shot & hit the $100,000 top prize. Shirley told the NC Education Lottery, he read the ticket about 10 times to make sure it was real. After taxes, he’ll receive $68,001.60 of the $100,000 prize. He told the paper he may use some of his winnings for a trip, but most of it will go into savings. Read more about it @ www.News-Record.com
- It's with the utmost honour & privilege that OWW Radio welcomes 5 Time WWF World Heavyweight Champion, 2 Time WWF Intercontinental Champion, 2 Time WWF Tag Team Champion, 1991 & 1993 King of the Ring, 1994 Royal Rumble Winner, 2 Time WCW World Heavyweight Champion, 4 Time WCW United States Champion, co-holder of the WCW Tag Team Titles, 6 Time Stampede North American Champion, 2003 PWI Stanley Watson Award Winner, 1996 Wrestling Observer Newsletter Hall of Famer, Stampede Wrestling Hall of Famer, OWW Hall of Famer & 2006 WWE Hall of Famer, the legendary Bret "Hitman" Hart! OWW Radio Productions can confirm that Hart will be a guest on OWW Radio very soon & they’d like their listeners to be a part of this great occasion. If you have a question you’d like to ask the Hitman, then please forward your question to radio@onlineworldofwrestlilng.com or leave a message on the OWW Radio Toll Free Number 1-866-543-6990.
- Former WWE Superstars Brian Kendrick & Super Crazy have been added to the Dragon Gates USA Title Tournament! On November 28th, DGUSA will make its return to the ECW Arena {New Alhambra} in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Also added to the tournament was Yamamoto, who all join already-announced participants Mike Quackenbush, Davey Richards & CIMA! For ticket information on this event visit www.dgusa.tv
- Sensei & DJ Lil Danzig were joined on Awesome Bomb Fight Radio by The Hardcore Enforcer, Mister California & Under-rated Steve Pain, as advertised. But a surprise guest called in live from CZW. . . Tournament of Death & Cage Of Death Winner Nick Gage! Interested? Thought so!
- Former TNA Management Representative & famed manager Jim Cornette has joined Ring of Honor, as an executive producer. He appeared @ Saturday night's ROH event @ the Manhattan Center in New York City, where he stated "Sarah Palin will give Barack Obama a lap dance on the steps of the Capitol, before I get behind Vince Russo!"
- Okay Bible scholars. . . or movie buffs. . . you have to remember this 1. . . when Moses asked God who should he say sent him to Pharaoh, what did God reply? “I AM, THAT I AM!” Well, apparently Hulk Hogan must think he’s God, because on Friday, while on a trip to Vegas with his girlfriend Jennifer, the Hulkster got “I AM, THAT I AM!” tattooed on his right forearm! I wonder what Vince has to say about the Hulkster liking himself to God? For those who care. . . the Hulkster’s girlfriend got “Terry” (Hogan’s real name) tattooed on her wrist. Yeah, neither do I. . .
- Eddie Edwards suffered a broken elbow during a match @ Friday's show in Boston. He'd been scheduled to wrestle in Saturday night's ROH event in New York, along with partner Davey Richards.
- Chikara DVD "2009 Chikara Sampler" is a special DVD release, featuring 2 hours of matches & bonus material from Chikara & will be only available for 7 days. Offer ends October 4th @ 10:04 AM EST, so don't delay, order your copy today!
- Former WWE wrestler Kevin Thorn (aka Kevin Fertig) told Eric Cohen of www.About.com that WWE dropped the ball by giving up on his character before the vampire craze started, thanks to the "Twilight" movie & the "True Blood" television show. "They fumbled & dropped the ball & whatever else you can say," Thorn said. "They lost out big-time on that one ~ we were way ahead of the game with that character & things that could've been done with the character. I still shake my head, I don’t get it. But hey, it’s Vince’s toy. He gets to do whatever he wants with it. He’s the final word. He didn’t want a vampire. Guess what, he didn’t have to have a vampire." Yeah & you didn't have to have a job. . . !
- Former WWE Diva & TNA Knockout Shelly Martinez said in a recent interview that marijuana saved her life, after she became addicted to pain pills ~ during her time in World Wrestling Entertainment. Well, former WWE wrestler Damien Demento learned of the wrestling starlet's remarks & posted a video on YouTube mocking her, basically saying he'll do pot too, so everybody can think "he's cool." Likewise, Martinez posted a video in response to Demento's remarks. She basically said she promotes responsible use of cannabis & uses it for the right reasons, rather than "to be cool." In response to her response, Demento attempts to "scare her straight" by showing a picture of a certain woman in wrestling, saying she'll look like her in a few years, if she continues using pot. Demento then asks Martinez, "Have you no shame? Huh woman?! Have you no shame?!" He also notes being embarrassed for Martinez. To view his 2nd video, click here. On another note, @ the conclusion of the 2nd video, Demento teases attending WWE's upcoming tryout camp @ Florida Championship Wrestling headquarters. Man, it's been months since I heard anything from this whackjob! . . . Now all I need to hear's what the Warrior's up to these days & my weekend's set!
