HEADLINE NEWS: Quiero Vivir!
- It looks as if World Wrestling Entertainment have made their move to replace departed female announcer Lillian Garcia. Lauren Mayhew, 24, was introduced as a ring announcer @ Tuesday night's Smackdown taping in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Mayhew has quite an array of experience, spanning TV appearances in the likes of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation & American Dreams, as well as singing & writing experience. It was widely reported that WWE Owner Vince McMahon was very high on getting an individual that could sing as well as announce. For those interested, you can check out videos of Lauren singing here

- . . . & after 10+ years with World Wrestling Entertainment, Garcia thanked the WWE Universe & informed everybody that Monday was her final night greeting fans, belting out the national anthem & announcing the start of matches. In case you missed her heartfelt & emotional goodbye on RAW, you can see the video clip here  Plus, WWE's posted a photo gallery spanning her time there, which you can check out here

- Lilian Garcia got another send off after RAW went off the air on Monday, as she joined HHH & "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels in the ring for the usual D-Generation X act. After DX left, the song "The Time of My Life" from the Dirty Dancing soudtrack kicked in, as Lilian was joined by her soon-to-be husband in the ring & started they dancing. She then greeted fans @ ringside for 1 last time before walking backstage. Hopefully we'll get a video of this soon.

PAY-PER-VIEW NEWS: Breaking Point, No Surrender, WrestleMania & Hell in a Cell
- To read my review of WWE Breaking Point, click here

- "Phenomenal" AJ Styles ~ who just earlier this week became a father for the 1st time ~ was presented with the TNA Heavyweight title belt by President Dixie Carter backstage, just minutes after he defeated Kurt Angle @ the No Surrender pay-per-view. Jeremy Borash did a little interview with the new champ & the Pres walked in to personally hand the belt to Styles. Dixie Carter keeps looking hotter every day! You can check out the backstage footage here & read my review of the event here

- www.MiamiTodayNews.com has a story regarding the city being a finalist to host WrestleMania in 2011 or 2012. The Miami-Dade Sports Commission's expecting an answer within the next month, as WWE chooses the locations for its biggest show of the year. "There's so much power behind it ~ it's the size basically of a Super Bowl," said José "Pepe" Diaz, sports commission chair. "To us it's huge; financially it's incredible." Miami's bid included hosting Axxess @ the Miami Beach Convention Center, South Beach as the location for any concerts or street parties, American Airlines Arena for RAW & the Hall of Fame Ceremony & the open air LandShark Stadium for WrestleMania itself. "We pitched our best game," Diaz said. "We're the gateway of the Americas. I think it'll be good for WrestleMania, just like it's good for the Super Bowl. We're a world-class place & we have so much going on for us." Diaz ~ who, along with Mike Sophia {sports commission executive director}, William D. Talbert III {president & CEO of the Greater Miami Convention & Visitors Bureau} & Jarred Diamond {vice president of booking with American Airlines Arena} ~ made the pitch to the WWE board, went to Stamford last week to meet with Owner Vince McMahon.

- Here's the updated card for WWE's Hell in a Cell pay-per-view, coming out of Tuesday night's Smackdown tapings: Hell in a Cell, Smackdown Heavyweight champion CM Punk versus The UnderTaker. . .  Hell in a Cell, RAW Heavyweight champion John Cena versus "Legend Killer" Randy Orton. . .  Hell in a Cell, Tag Team Match, D-Generation X (HHH & "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels) versus Rhodes to Riches (Ted DiBiase Junior & Cody Rhodes). . .  Triple Threat match, RAW United States champion Kofi Kingston versus Mike "The Miz" Mizanin versus "All-American American" Jack Swagger. . .  Smackdown Intercontinental champion John Morrison versus Dolph Ziggler.  It also appears Dave "The Animal" Batista & Rey Mysterio Junior will be challenging for the WWE Unified Tag Team Titles. Batista cut a promo @ the tapings & basically said his partner was Mysterio.

WWE NEWS: Smackdown 10th Anniversary Main Event, History of the World Title, Score 3 more years, Future RAW Host & Jeff Hardy
- WWE Hall-of-Famer Jim Ross updated his blog & you can read the latest posting @ www.jrsbarbq.com

- The October 2nd Smackdown, which will celebrate its 10th anniversary, will have a fully loaded 8-man tag team main event. Announced for the show's HHH, "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker & RAW Heavyweight champion John Cena, taking on Smackdown Heavyweight champion CM Punk, "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, Ted DiBiase Junior & Cody Rhodes.

- WWE are planning a new DVD titled "The History Of The World Heavyweight Championship", which's set for a December 1st release. This will be a 3-disc set compilation similar to "The History of the WWE Championship" & "The History of the Intercontinental Championship", which were released in 2006 & 2008 respectively. We'd imagine that the history of the World Heavyweight title chronicled will date further back than the 2002 date that www.WWE.COM lists, with HHH as the 1st champion. Often referred to as the "Big Gold Belt," WWE stopped using it in 2002 after the Game won the Undisputed title from Chris Jericho @ WrestleMania 18, then reintroduced it with a slight modification & with the addition of the WWE logo. Wrestling legends & WWE Hall of Famers like "Nature Boy" Ric Flair, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, "American Dream" Dusty Rhodes & Hulk Hogan, as well as TNA's Sting & many others held the original belt, when it was with the NWA, then with WCW.

- "Canadians' passion for the WWE's 2nd to none," says John Levy, Chairman & CEO, Score Media Inc. "In extending our longstanding partnership with the World Wrestling Entertainment, we're giving our viewers more exciting WWE action, while offering the nation access to exclusive, top-rated sports entertainment." The 3-year agreement gives WWE fans more of their desired programming including RAW & SmackDown. In addition, The Score will continue to produce & air WWE Experience, a weekly round-up of the latest & greatest in the WWE, as well as bringing viewers the WWE Vintage Collection, a look back @ some of the WWE's classic matches, hosted by "Mean" Gene Okerlund & seen in North America only on The Score.  Read more about it here

- Dennis Miller said on his radio show ~ The aptly-named Dennis Miller Show ~ Tuesday that he'll be hosting an episode of Monday Night RAW later this year. Now, not to get off on a rant here, but I think that'll be 1 helluva entertaining program, cochise!

- As of this past Friday, production work was still being done on WWE’s Jeff Hardy DVD set. If WWE decides to pull the DVD, like originally thought, the most likely replacement will be a Chris Jericho compilation DVD set. Wow, I could be watching a DVD compilation for the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions?!

- Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy's 1st trip to the court will be on September 30th, where he'll be facing charges of felony trafficking in opium, 2 counts of felony possession with intent to sell or deliver a Schedule III controlled substance, felony maintaining a dwelling to keep controlled substance, felony possession of cocaine & misdemeanor possession of drug paraphernalia. Hardy posted a message on his Twitter on the 14th, thanking his fans for their undying support. As of last Wednesday, his Twitter account has been taken offline.

- To participate in a short WWE survey, click here

TNA NEWS: Ed Ferrera, Stevie & Lethal, Colt Cabana, Sting's t-shirt & D-Lo Brown
- For all the latest Total NonStop Action news, join the MySpace TNA community @ www.myspace.com/wrestlingwarlordtnafan

- Former WWE, WCW & TNA creative member Ed Ferrera is backstage @ the TNA pay-per-view in Orlando according to www.PWInsider.com  Ferrera, a big friend of Vince Russo, quit WWF with Russo to go to WCW in 1999, after a successful run backstage in the World Wrestling Federation. Ferrera joined TNA in its early days, but left in August 2002. Ferrera will be doing creative work for TNA once again.

- In TNA's latest webmatch, Doctor Stevie takes on "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal. You can view the match here

- "Colt Cabana will take on Puma in a non-televised match in Orlando tonight" was posted the the Twitter account of former WWE wrestler Scotty Goldman, in regards to wrestling a dark match for Tuesday night's iMPACT! taping.

- TNA's released a new t-shirt on Sting

- D-Lo Brown, who was brought back as an agent, is expected to do a limited amount of wrestling for TNA, although his primary focus will be on helping younger talent. Simon Diamond will also serve as an agent for the company.

HAUGHTY HOTTIES NEWS: Lacey iMPACT!s, Trish Wiis, Traci bares all, Aubrey O'Days & Ashley tweets
- To read the coolest news on the hottest women in wrestling today, check out Shimmer's official Yahoo! Group -- sports.groups.yahoo.com/group/shimmerwre...

- The daughter of the Texas Tornado, Lacey Von Erich, has signed a new deal with TNA Wrestling, that will let her be on 2 different shows ~ TNA & Wrestlicious, the all-female show set to debut in Fall of this year. She's expected to make her TNA debut this week, according to a press release issued by Wrestlicious LLC. "We realized that this is a terrific opportunity, not only for Lacey, but also to enhance both brands," stated Wrestlicious Senior Producer Johnny Cafarella. "We worked together with TNA Director of Talent Relations Terry Taylor & his great team to make it happen." Von Erich was signed to a WWE developmental deal in August 2007, but was released just before the year ended. The 23-year-old mother of 1 was recently diagnosed with meningitis, but was given a clean bill of health & made her return. You can check out some of her very, very impressive photos from a previous story Wrestling-Online did on Von Erich, when she announced that she was doing Playboy, here  She made her TNA debut @ Tuesday night's iMPACT! taping in Orlando, being revealed as the newest member of The Beautiful People. It was also noted that Angelina Love's no longer a member of the group. The episode's set to air on Thursday, October 1st.

- Former WWE Women's champion Trish Stratus will be the subject of a brand new Wii game to be titled "Stratosphere Yoga." This will be a workout game developed only for the popular Nintendo Wii game console. Frima Studios are in charge of making this project happen & the game's in its early stages of development. The target launch date's Spring 2010 & will make use of
the Wii Balance Board & other Wii devices.  Both hansd where we can see 'em, boys!

- Traci Brooks' Playboy pictorial was released last Thursday, with 20 photos of Brooks in her birthday suit, looking obviously stunning. The photos were supposed to be a part of an upcoming issue of the Playboy magazine, however they were relegated to the Cyber Club section of www.Playboy.com, after a change in the magazine's editorial office. Oh yeah, we have all 20 photos for you. Please note these are Not-So-Work-Friendly. You can see them here

- Heyman Hustle Hottie Aubrey O'Day debuted in the Las Vegas production of Peep Show on Tuesday night with another Heyman Hustle Hottie, Holly Madison & already the winds of controversy have blown into Sin City!  Hopefully you're titilated enough to read more  While you're @ it, you can follow the Heyman Hustle on Twitter

- Former WWE Diva Ashley Massaro has tweeted that she'll be making 2 club appearances the weekend of October 9th, in Los Angeles. Massaro will also be hosting a Miss Hawaiian Tropic Californa pageant.

DECLARATION of INDEPENDENTS NEWS: Chikara Pro, Wrestling-Radio, Capital City Championship Combat Wrestling, Sideshow Wrestling, Jim Boy Star Matt Riviera & BG James Interview
- To view an up-to-date listing of all the omnivorous upcoming independent shows, check out www.prowrestlingevents.tk/

- This just in form Chikara Pro's Facebook account: "Just wanted to give every1 a heads-up on the BIG SALE going over @ SmartMarkVideo.com, where any orders of $60 or more get a 25% DISCOUNT & remember ~ ALL 2002-2007 CHIKARA releases are just $15 before the discount, so the savings will be even greater! Buy! Buy! Buy!"

- Speaking of Facebook accounts, here's what Wrestling-Radio had to offer: "SIGN UP TO OUR DAILY NEWSLETTER: ENTER YOUR EMAIL here & PLEASE Check your email immediately after you sign up & click the activation link ~ failure to do so will result in NO daily updates."

- FRIDAY OCTOBER 16th, C*4: Capital City Championship Combat Presents “RISE ABOVE 2009” @ Knights of Columbus Hall, 260 McArthur Road, Ottawa, Ontario. VIP Tickets $20, Doors open @ 7PM (VIP ticket includes 1st choice seating & a bonus match!)  General Admission Tickets $15, Doors open @ 7:30pm.  Show stars @ 8pm. Event's all-ages ~ Alcohol sales with valid ID.  Stay up to date with all of C*4’s recent news & event info by visiting www.c4wrestling.com  Purchase DVDs @ www.fortunevideoediting.com & www.smartmarkvideo.com  As well, friend them on facebook ~ visit www.facebook.com/c4wrestling to add!

- Sideshow Wrestling invades Awesome Bomb Fight Radio. . .  Call in & talk midget wrestling, luchadores, superheroes, the bizarre antics of Sideshow Wrestling. . .  plus DJ Lil Danzig will talk about Violent J from ICP's book & how it has changed his life!  Click here for more information.

- Visit www.onlineworldofwrestling.com to check out Jim Boy Star's latest column about Pay Per Views not being worth buying anymore. Go to latest news & click on the aptly-named "Pay Per Views Not Worth The Money" & check the column out.

- Pro wrestler Matt Riviera, also a star of reality TV, is basking in the glow of a highly successful event that occurred recently in his hometown of Russellville, Arizona. Dubbed "Russellmania," Riviera's wrestling card not only thrilled fans, but also raised much-needed funds for the Boys & Girls Club of the Arkansas River Valley. Held on September 12th, Russellmania set an attendance record-packing over 700 people into the LV Williamson Boys & Girls Club building. Over 300 tickets were given away to elementary school kids. "We raised over $2,600," Riviera said proudly of the financial shot in the arm that the Boys & Girls Club of the Arkansas River Valley are now enjoying. Matt, who also wrestled on the card, said that legendary wrestler Buddy Landel told him something that was very poignant. "Buddy said that his match @ Russellmania was his best since his Smokey Mountain days." Fans waited in line for the doors to open & their patience was rewarded with non-stop action, which was met with raucous cheers. "The crowd was amazing," Riviera said. "I can tell you that we wrestlers really fed off it." Matt, fresh off a summer in which he starred in a VH1 reality show & helped produce a movie, was glad to help kids near his hometown. "Always happy to give back," he said. "These are good, hard-working people."  For more information about Matt Riviera, click here.  For more information about the Boys & Girls Club of the Arkansas River Valley, call (479) 229-2982.

- Saturday, September 26th, American Championship Pro Wrestling returns to Monsignor Bonner High School, Monsignor Bonner High School, 403 North Lansdowne Avenue, Drexel Hill, PA 19026! Just minutes away from the 69th Street Septa Terminal in Upper Darby! Doors open @ 6pm, Bell time's 7pm! All tickets are just $10.  "Freebird Rules" ACPW Tag Team Championship Match,
Champions Zero Tolerance versus The Moonwalkers (Blackie & Pinkie Sanchez). . .  ACPW Internet TV Champion Franky Frizzo versus Donn E. Allen versus Ian Cross. . .  Sabian versus "Shooting Star" Eric Enders. . .  Battle of the Big Men, Big Buddha versus JoJO. . .  Shaheem versus Pelle Primeau. . .  ACPW Junior heavyweight champion Little Mondo versus Breaker Morant in this non-title match. . .  ACPW World Heavyweight Champion Korpse versus Gemini in a Dog Collar Match. . .  Also appearing will be : ACPW Tri-State Champion Helter Skelter, Mark Angel, Acid Zero & many, many, more!  For more info, visit www.acpwrestling.com or dial 267-467-6687

*PLEASE NOTE*

The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some tag team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.

09/14/09 originating on USA Network {in the United States} & simulcast on the Score {in Canada}

commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole

from the Air Canada Centre in Toronto, Ontario; now in WWE~HD

Dave "The Animal" Batista Walks For Miles Inside This Pit of Danger to the ring with a rather impressive-looking big ol' high-tech arm sling, where he states 1st off, before he makes his announcement, he thanks the RAW Universe in the audience & @ home; it's been a rough year for him, he's had a coupla really bad injuries & this isn't how he wanted to come back, but he has to say goodbye; after thanking the RAW Universe for allowing him to have the time of his life in this ring, he reveals that there have been a number or rumours about his retirement. . .  but here comes "Legend Killer" Randy Orton sauntering down to the ring, where he proclaims that he's not very happy about losing the Heavyweight title last night, but something that cheers him up's that the fact that Dave's retiring; this is it, this is how it ends, the big bad Animal going out with a whimper, so whatever big teary-eyed goodbye speech he has, Batista should just say it & leave, because nobody cares; why did Dave wait so long to decide to retire ~ he's not retiring because of his health, Batista's retiring because of the Legend Killer, who put the Animal on the shelf for 3 months after ripping his shoulder out of its socket, put him on the shelf for another 4 months with a swift kick to the head, so why doesn't Dave just go hang his head & cry, like he was about to before Randy came out here; when the Animal reacts with a chuckle rather than a choked-back sob, Orton questions what's so funny. . .  well, there's 2 things, actually ~ 1st, the Legend Killer's very predictable & 2nd, Dave knows something that Randy doesn't, namely that his arm's okay, as he slips his cyborg-like arm cast off & beats down his former nemesis; the Animal's not here to announce his retirement, he's here to announce that he's moving to Smackdown & he spoke with tonight's Celebrity Guest Host & she promised that he can have 1 last RAW match, a No Holds Barred match against Orton! . . ; speaking of whom, Celebrity Guest Host Trish Stratus Time to Rock & Rolls onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where she brunettes about being happy to be home here in WWE; she doesn't want to toot her own horn, but Trish presupposes that she's gonna make a pretty good Celebrity Guest Host, but she's no Bob Barker ~ her favourite part was where the former Price is Right host almost made WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho cry; but this is RAW, which Stratus knows all too well, she knows what the RAW Universe wants ~ so not only did she already give them Dave "The Animal" Batista versus "Legend Killer" Randy Orton in a No Holds Barred match tonight, she's also given some thought to how Randy also deserves his rematch from Breaking Point, so she's thinking that @ the next pay-per-view, Orton versus Heavyweight champion John Cena in a Hell in a Cell, which coincidentally the next pay-per-view name anyway; well, that's enough Stratusfaction for now, there'll be plenty more Trish later on, so let's get a match going here, shall we; TAG TEAM MATCH: Kofimo (United States champion Kofi Kingston & Primo Colon) versus the All-Mizaricans ("All-American American" Jack Swagger & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin); Swagger pins Kingston with an 'Orthodontist's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: after the Miz makes off with Kofi's U.S. title!}

Divas champion Mickie James sexies down to ringside, where she provides special guest commentary for the following #1 CONTENDERSHIP, RAW DIVAS TITLE MATCH: Alicia Fox beats Gail Kim with an 'Ax' Scissor Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: well, colour me surprised!}; after the match, Alicia eyeballs Mickie & I eyeball both; DID YOU KNOW. . . last Monday night, RAW was watched by more people than every show on ABC, the CW & FOX! . . . ; betcha Celebrity Guest Host Trish Stratus knew that, as she welcomes "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix into her office, questioning how the former WWE Women's champion can make a #1 Contendership match for the Divas title without including her, who does the Stratusfyer think she is; before she can answer that, WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho saunters in, stating that Beth shouldn't give Stratus an opening to talk about herself, since RAW's only a 2-hour show; he heard Trish talking about him earlier, she just can't stop thinking about Y2J, can she. . . can't stand the idea that the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah sent her packing; well, if the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions needs to think that, to get through all those cold & lonely nights, that's fine with Stratus ~ hey, she thought that Jericho'd be happier, now that he's found a new soul mate, instead of being all angry & tense like she's always seen him. . .  she can just imagine Chris & his new partner, WWE Tag Team co-champion the Big Show, holding hands & snuggling by the fire; now just hang on 1 cotton-pickin' minute, Phoenix proclaims that it's easy for Stratus to talk trash when she can't back it up, but @ least the King of My World's out there every single night, backing up everything he says, he didn't run off & retire when there was new competition, to go open up a yoga store in this 2nd-rate country {heyyyyy!}, so in other words, unlike Trish, Chris has guts; well, just to prove that Stratus didn't retire to avoid the Glamazon, she'll gladly take on both in a Mixed Tag Team match, she just needs to go grab herself a partner again, just like the last time RAW came to the Air Canada Centre; oh & 1 more thing, the WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion could take Bob Barker any day of the week!

WWE Home Video presents "the Best of Smackdown", "The Rise & Fall of WCW" & "Night of Champions 2009", available now @ all major DVD retailers & @ www.WWEShop.com

Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior smarm to the ring, where the former asks if the RAW Universe's ready. . .  to welcome the new era of WWE Superstars, they made HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels tap out @ Breaking Point, unlike 2009 WWE Hall of Famer StoneCold Steve Austin, the Rock, the UnderTaker, the entire McMahon clan ~ even as great as Rated RKO were, neither Edge nor "Legend Killer" Randy Orton made the Game of the Showstopper submit; although they may have shocked the world, what they did Sunday didn't surprise Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ @ all; DiBiase states that they did exactly what they said they'd do, dish out pain so intense that even the almighty D-Generation X had no choice but to give up; last night was just the beginning, they won't stop until the Cerebral Assassin & the HeartBreak Kid are out of WWE forever; from this point on, Rhodes & DiBiase are no longer known as the sons of WWE Hall of Famer "American Dream" Dusty Rhodes & "$1,000,000 Man" Ted DiBiase, but those 2 are now knows as the fathers of Lega¢¥; RAW 1st HOUR MAIN EVENT MATCH: HBK defeats DiBiase via Disqualification After Rhodes Interferes {PSYCHOLOGY: 3 matches in an hour, that must be a new record for RAW. . .  he typed sarcastically!}; after the match, Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ & D-Generation X fall fighting @ ringside, temporarily knocking RAW off the air & setting up for a normally-feud-ending Hell in a Cell match @ the next pay-per-view

TAG TEAM MATCH: Leprechaun Air (Hornswaggle & Evan Bourne) versus Dos Santos Del Hijo (Chavo Guerrero Junior & Carlito Caribbean Cool); Horny pins Guerrero with a 'Tadpole' Top-Rope Extending Mini-Splash {PSYCHOLOGY: so, what ~ "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix was done with Rosa Mendes, so she gave her to Chavito Heat & 3C?}; after the match, Chavo asks what he has to do. . .  okay, Hornswaggle wins, Guerrero gives up!

backstage, ECWWE's Josh Mathews bothers Heavyweight champion John Cena, who Thuganomics about sometimes in life, there are people who do what they say, while others just talk about it & "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, for so long, talked about how the Heavyweight title was his life, all that he existed for & he'd do anything & everything to keep it. . .  but then, last night @ Breaking Point @ the 1st sign of losing his grip on the belt, Orton simply gave it away; but to this day, as he's always said, the Chain Gang Commander won't quit, although his body was wracked with pain & everytime that he was asked if he would quit & he said no, Cena knew that there was even more pain & suffering on its way, but he gave his word that he wouldn't give up & he's a wigger of his word; thanks to tonight's Celebrity Guest Host, they now have a rematch @ Hell in a Cell, which'll presumably ensure that Orton'll once more promise that John's win over him this Sunday was a fluke & it'll never happen again, then make even more promises that he'll get his revenge & reclaim his title, as well as this Heavyweight title around the Doctor of Thuganomics' waist's more like a 3-week rental. . .  well, Cena's getting his promise out there right now, when that door closes in that Hell in a Cell, the RAW Universe's gonna see a different side of the Chain Gang Commander, a more intense, a more brutal, a more savage side of the Heavyweight champion, Randy'll be a lucky man if he makes it out of that Cell in 1 piece & then there'll be no doubt that the Champ's here!

MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH: Like Tropicana, They Got the Juice (RAW Celebrity Guest Host Trish Stratus & Montell Vontavius Porter) versus the ÜberStars of Glamazonian Awesomeness ("Glamazon" Beth Phoenix & WWE Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho); Trish beats Beth via Disqualification After WWE Tag Team co-champion the Big Show Interferes {PSYCHOLOGY: well, that was a real sham of a match! , , ,}; after the match, "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry evens the odds, prompting the Celebrity Guest Host to announce that, if the former WCW Giant wants to get involved in that match, then suddenly we're gonna have a 6-PERSON MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH: the Most Greekest Playas (Stratus & the World's Strongest Playas {MVP & Henry}) versus 2 Blonds & a Baldy (Phoenix & WWE Tag Team champions Worst Case Scenario {Y2J & TBS}); the Stratusfyer defeats the Glamazon with a 'Stratusfaction' Mid-Rope Scaling Bulldog {PSYCHOLOGY: now that's more like it!}

WWE Home Video presents "the Rise & Fall of WCW", "The New & Improved DX" & "the Bash 2009", available now @ all major DVD retailers & @ www.WWEShop.com

a video package plays, advertizing Cedric the Entertainer as the Celebrity Guest Host for next week's RAW; but for now, it's time for the RAW 2nd HOUR MAIN EVENT, NO HOLDS BARRED MATCH: Dave "The Animal" Batista pins "Legend Killer" Randy Orton with a 'BatistaBomb' Sitout Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: yeah, like you didn't expect that outcome!}

09/15/09 originating on SyFy {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night

commentating by Josh Mathews & the Slammy Award-winning Matt Striker

from the Copps Coliesum in Hamilton, Ontario; now in WWE~HD

General Manager Tiffany 11th Hours to the ring, where she proclaims that the WWE Universe's still buzzing about the outcome of Breaking Point & she's especially proud of the ECWWE contribution, which's why she came out here to talk about tonight's- William Regal & his fellow Tormentors saunter down to the ring, where the 2008 King of the Ring apologizes for the interruption, she's especially fetching tonight & she's doing a wonderful job as GM ~ as somebody who's filled a similar position, as General Manager of RAW, William felt it his duty to come out here & discuss with her, the ramifications of what happened Sunday. . .  he knows that Tiffany has a keen eye for talent, as he does, but he wants to know why she felt the need to ban Vladimir Kozlov & Ezekiel Jackson from ringside in the ECWWE Heavyweight title match @ Breaking Point; well, the GM's glad that Regal chose to come to her in this way, as he understands as well as she does, the importance of communications between Genera Manager & Superstars being open. . .  the reason she banned the Moscow Mauler & Big Zeke from ringside, was that she wanted the match to be 1-on-1, with no outside interference; well, as William sees it, her decision was a little rash & it did cause him unnecessary grief in his preparation, so Regal thinks it's only right that he be allowed another shot @ the Heavyweight title; well, again, as the former RAW GM knows, it's important to allow different Superstars the opportunity @ a major title, which's why Tiffany's decided to not allow Regal another shot @ the Heavyweight title, which understandably rankles the 2008 King of the Ring; but tonight, there's a Battle Royal to determine the new #1 Contender for that title, so Kozlov & Jackson can go get themselves ready for that bout, while Regal competes in a match right now, even though he's still in his street clothes; the 2008 King of the Ring beats Hurricane Helms with a 'Knee Trembler' Running Kneestrike {PSYCHOLOGY: in his street clothes!!}; after the match, "Ripper" Paul Burchill storms the ring & beats down his emerald nemesis

backstage, Goldust apologizes to Yoshi Tatsu for what happened last week, but struggles on with their english lessons. . .  where is the train station? . . .  how much is a cup of coffee-EE-EE-coffee? . . . ; in steps Zack Ryder, who questions the logic of the Turnbuckle Championship Wrestler teaching the former New Japan Pro Wrestler how to speak english, asking if Tatsu can say "loser"; when the purofesshonaru resuringu responds with "Zack Ryder", the former EdgeHead exclaims that he can't wait to get Yoshi in the ring

in the backstage area, Savannah Fong bothers "Ripper" Paul Burchill, who balks @ the idea of a new backstage interviewer, where's Gregory Helms ~ oh wait, he's out in the ring, where he left the Hurricane laying after a beatdown inspired by what the supposed superhero did to Katie Lea last week; as Paul's been saying all along, Hurricane Helms & Gregory Helms are the same person & he's not going to stop until the charade's ended; now, if Savannah'll excuse him, he has a Battle Royal to go win

Nikki & Brie Bella sexy to the ring as the special guest ring announcers for the following match, where Yoshi Tatsu defeats Zack Ryder with a 'Mawashi Gen' Roundhouse Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: well, with cheerleaders like the Bella Twins, I'd probably win too!}

a video package plays, showing the 2 matches already announced for Hell in a Cell ~ RAW Heavyweight champion John Cena versus "Legend Killer" Randy Orton. . .  RAW Tag Team Grudge Match, D-Generation X versus Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ MAIN EVENT, #1 CONTENDERSHIP, ECWWE HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE, 10-MAN BATTLE ROYAL MATCH: "Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin versus Vladimir Kozlov versus Ezekiel Jackson versus "Innovator of Extreme" Tommy Dreamer versus Goldust versus Tyler Reks versus Sheamus O'Shaunessy versus Yoshi Tatsu versus "Ripper" Paul Burchill versus Zack Ryder; Benjamin ousts Burchill, Kozlov eliminates Reks, Jackson horfs Tatsu, Shelton ousts Sheamus & Ezekiel, but then gets eliminated by O'Shaunessy from the arena floor, Ryder horfs Goldust, Vladimir gets ousted by Dreamer, who gets eliminated by Zack {PSYCHOLOGY: was it just me, or was this a little longer than the average Battle Royal?}

09/17/09 originating on WGN America {in the United States}

RAW commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole
ECWWE commentating by Josh Mathews & Slammy Award-winning Matt Striker
Smackdown commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross & the Slammy Award-winning Todd Grisham

RAW MATCH: "Masterpiece" Chris Masters makes Santino Marella Submit with a 'Masterlock' Swinging Full-Nelson {PSYCHOLOGY: although I gave the Milan Miracle the benefit of the doubt, rather than type up that result after hearing who the Masterpiece's opponent was!}

a video package plays, showing this week's edition of Ask the Divas; "Have you ever been on a bad date?" asks WWE Universe resident Larr Bear. . .  RAW's Alicia Fox responds that she was left with the bill, which she wasn't happy with. . .  Smackdown's Eve Torres once dated a guy who had horrible breath. . .  RAW Divas champion Mickie James trumps Eve, by dating a married man. . . RAW's "Glamazon" Beth Pheonix went out with a guy who lied about his age, he was 30 years old {so, how old was she @ the time, then?}; "Do you have any hidden talents?" queries WWE Universe resident Rhapsody-Phyre. . .  RAW's Kelly Kelly can do back flips, front flips, side flips, gainers, anything. . .  RAW's Rosa Mendes can manipulate people into thinking she's nice. . . RAW's Gail Kim's an amazing cook, so if any guys wanna have dinner with her, she's their girl {I'll be right over!!}; anybody who needs advise, can log onto www.WWEUniverse.com

ECWWE's Zack Ryder joins Matt Striker & Josh Mathews @ ringside for the following ECWWE MATCH: Heavyweight champion Christian pins "Ripper" Paul Burchill with a 'Kill Switch' Crucifix Faceplant in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: a pretty foregone conclusion, who was gonna win this match, but worth seeing anyway, of only for Ryder's smarmy commentary!}; after the match, Josh saunters backstage to bother RAW's "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, who can't be bothered with Smackdown's Dave "The Animal" Batista, he's now on Friday nights & therefore out of his sc=phere of influence. . .  he wants to talk about RAW Heavyweight champion John Cena, who defeated the Legend Killer @ Breaking Point, but Randy didn't submit ~ he made a sound business decision to maintain his body; the Doctor of Thuganomics, out of personal pride, likes to tell people that he's incapable of saying the words "I Quit", but Orton thinks that's just out of stupidity; here we are, 4 days after the pay-per-view & Randy can guarantee that the Chain Gang Commander's hurting much more than he is & it's only gonna get worse, because @ Hell in a Cell, the Legend Killer's gonna beat the RAW Heavyweight champion, gonna hurt him & make him suffer, once again becoming the RAW Heavyweight champion

MAIN EVENT, SMACKDOWN MATCH: Dolph Ziggler beats Fit Finlay with an 'NTN' Jumping Russian Legsweep {PSYCHOLOGY: well, since the Tough Irish **** hasn't got anything going right @ the moment, while the former Spirit Squader has that Smackdown Intercontinental championship match coming up. . .  it seemed like a no-brainer!}

09/18/09 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}

commentating by Slammy Award-winning Todd Grisham & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross

from the Copps Coliesum in Hamilton, Ontario; now in WWE~HD

in the garage, a black stretch limousine pulls in, disgouging General Manager Theodore R. Long & a posse of Security personnel, who all amble into the arena for tonight's show

Dave "The Animal" Batista Walks for Miles Inside This Pit of Danger to the ring, where he takes in the adulation from the Smackdown Universe for an excessive amount of time, then reminds us that recently his contract expired with RAW & for the 1st time in his WWE career, he got to choose where he was ~ no Drafts, no trades, Dave's choice, which was to be right here on Friday nights ~ the Animal's glad to be back & can't wait to get started; WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho smarms to the ring, where he Ayatollah of Rock & Rollahs about how heartwarming it is to have Batista back on Smackdown, applauding @ the thought of babies smiling, birds are chirping & all's right with the world; in reality, the Animal makes Y2J sick, he's just like that other injury-prone loser Edge, pandering to these pathetic parasites, begging for cheers from all the hypocrites, hoping for some sort of reward for coming back from an injury; so let the ŊberStar of Jerichlean Proportions get something through that Neanderthal brain of Dave's, the King of My World's the fixture on Smackdown & everybody knows it ~ a lot has changed since Batista's been gone; well, splendid, tonight they've got a chance to catch up, in his match against Batista, who takes that opportunity to bash the WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion to the mat; backstage, Y2J asks fellow WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion the Big Show where he was during that brouhaha, never mind the fact that he specifically told the former WCW Giant that he wanted to confront the Animal alone. . .  anywho, yeah, sure, stay back here, while Jericho goes out there to take down Dave, to show why he's the best @ what he does

Dolph Ziggler joins Grisham & JR @ ringside for the following match, but 1st a video package plays, showing Mike Knox going on about Restless Leg Syndrome, which affects 25,000,000 people in the United States ~ a neurological disorder where the victim's legs develop a chronic aching sensation, which can only be alleviated by the rapid movement of the lower extremities. . .  they haven't found a cure yet, which apparently's bad news for Intercontinental champion John Morrison; the Shaman of Sexy defeats Knox with a 'Starship Pain' Split-Legged Corkscrew Moonsault in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: a battle of egos coming to Hell in a Cell, when Morrison & Ziggler face off in the fabled steel cage!}; after the match, John asks Dolph if he had a good time playing footsie with Todd Grisham, then brings up Mister Ziggles again, much to the delight of the Smackdown Universe & much to the chagrin of the former Spirit Squader, who makes his way backstage with an air of superiority befitting a future I-C champion

backstage, ECWWE's Josh Mathews bothers Referee Scott Armstrong, who asked himself why he did what he did @ Breaking Point since Sunday.  ..  what was asked of him @ the pay-per-view, after 30 years in this business, he's never been asked to do. . .  but in this business, he answers to somebody much higher than he is; Armstrong has a wife & kids, which was why he felt sick to his stomach to do what he did to the UnderTaker ~ something he's not proud of, but he makes no excuses, he did what he had to do to keep his job

a video package plays, advertizing "the Smackdown Celebration", which airs October 2nd @ 8pm EST on MyNetworkTV

SMACKDOWN 1st HOUR MAIN EVENT, DIVAS MATCH: Melina Perez pins Women's champion Michelle McCool with a 'Last Call' Flipping Sitout Powerbomb in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: wow, 2 in a row. . .  makes me wonder if these titles are being taken seriously, or if they're essentially just window dressing?}

in the General Manager's office, Theodore R. Long tells his Security personnel to stay close to him, until WWE Owner Vince McMahon powerwalks in, asking once more where his pictures is, then congratulates the GM on bringing Dave "The Animal" Batista to Smackdown. . .  but why in the name of all things unholy did Long double-cross the UnderTaker @ Breaking Point ~ Vinnie-Mac told Teddy to entertain the Smackdown Universe, so the McMahonopolizer demands that the General Manager owes not only him, but the Smackdown Universe, an explanation about his actions Sunday, so get ta steppin' out to that ring; does Teddy have any idea what the Dead Man's capable of, once he's motivated to revenge? . . . ; DID YOU KNOW. . . WWE's watched by more than 15,000,000 people every week in the United States! . . . ; betcha Long knew that, as he MacMilitants to the ring, where he personally welcomes Dave "The Animal" Batista to the Smackdown roster, then goes on to make an admission. . .  all of this was pre-planned to prevent 'Taker from becoming the Heavyweight champion; he's not gonna stand out here that he's proud of what he did, because Long's not. . .  nor is he gonna claim that he's unafraid of the Phenom, because he is & is more than acutely aware that the UnderTaker could show up here tonight;now, Teddy understands that he's not the only guilty party in this ~ Referee Scott Armstrong & Heavyweight champion CM Punk share a measure of guilt as well; now, for the reason that the GM did what he did ~ he has a family to take care of, times are tough & he can't let his family down, he can't let them see him standing in the unemployment line & he's just too old to learn to do something news. . .  therefore, Long apologizes for his actions, to the Smackdown Universe & to each & every 1 of the fans in the audience, especially to the Dead Man; 1 last thing, he hopes that 'Taker can find it in his heart to forgive the GM; heading backstage, Teddy crawls into his limo, only to find out that the driver's been replaced with the 'Taker, who billows some dry ice into the back of the car, while basking the GM in a portable purple gel & distorting his voice for some reason & effectively guaranteeing that Long will never win any sort of award for his acting skills; meanwhile, back in the arena, Heavyweight champion CM Punk Killswitch Engages to the ring, where he Straight-Edges about telling the Smackdown Universe that he'd make the Phenom tap out, just like he told them that he'd defeat Jeff Hardy for his title & then get rid of him forever; but Punk didn't come out here to brag about all that, he came out here to confront the UnderTaker, to stick his Heavyweight title in the Dead Man's face & look him in the eye. . .  but of course, 'Taker happens to conveniently not be here tonight, so instead the Straight-Edge Superstar chooses to bash in the adulation of the Smackdown Universe, because it's obvious to him that they all need a good preaching to ~ they all need somebody that they can look up to, somebody who isn't morally corrupt, somebody who's righteous instead of self-righteous; Punk knows what they're all gonna do next. . .  exactly what their hero the UnderTaker did, give up, but by the looks of about ½ of them, they already have; what kind of live is it that they all live, what kind of existence do they have, that they have to wake up every morning & pop a pill to help crawl out of bed. . .  then they ravage their bodies with pitchers of beer & that's supposed to somehow heal their broken self-worth. . . & then they just make excuses about inhaling poison into their lungs, just to calm their nerves. . .  then @ the end of their sad, lonely, pathetic day, they need another pill to make them forget everything & help them sleep ~ they're all just a legion of inebriated zombies milling in line @ the pharmacy, with their hand out, begging & pleading for that newest anti-depressant that they think will help put an artificial smile on their faces. . .  they scrape & crawl for a scapegoat for all of their inadequacies & believe the Heavyweight champion when he says that the Smackdown Universe has a lot of those; don't tell him that they don't medicate themselves to forget about it all. . .  to hide from all of their inadequacies. . .  anybody who says that they don't, is a liar on top of all that, lying to themselves right now, to the person next to them, to their families when they go home & what's most insulting's that they're lying to the Straight-Edge Superstar, who can see right through all of them & their lies; Punk's not a liar, he's a man who means what he says & says what he means ~ a prophet, the choice of a new generation, a champion that everybody can finally be proud of, the 1st-ever Straight-Edge champion in the history of the WWE & if the Smackdown Universe isn't Straight-Edge like Punk, that just means that he's better than them

TAG TEAM MATCH: Cryme Tyme (JTG & Shad Gaspard) versus the Calgary Bulldogs (Tyson Kidd & David Hart Smith); Kidd beats JTB with a 'Blockbuster' Flipping Neckbreaker {PSYCHOLOGY: nice!}

backstage, Melina Perez enters the Divas locker room, where she spies a veritable cornucopia of pictures, featuring Women's champion Michelle McCool in the arms of Dolph Ziggler, which her friend Maria just can't see. . .  too late, here she is now, the Future Ex-Missus FanBoy Mark Jabroni balks @ the idea that her boyfriend could be cheating on her & besides, if Perez thought that something was going on, why didn't she come to Maria, she didn't need to go put all of these pictures up; no, no, she's misconstrued the situation. . .  no, Kanellis' done with this & she's done with Melina

the Great Khali defeats Kane via Disqualification After the Bald Red Machine Bashes the Punjabi Playboy with a Steel Chair {PSYCHOLOGY: of course. . . !}; after the match, the BalderTaker takes further liberties with his Breaking Point opponent, destroying the Farsi Flinger's leg with the ring steps, leaving Khali laying @ ringside, awaiting some EMTs to wheel him backstage on a gurney

Drew McIntyre saunters to the ring, where he states that it seems that "R~Truth" Ron Killings was involved in an unfortunate incident in the backstage area, so therefore it's his misfortune to have to inform the Smackdown Universe that he won't be able to compete tonight. . .  but as for Charlie Haas, who's already standing in the ring, he's the winner by forfeit, congratulations. . .  after Haas shakes McIntyre's hand, the newcomer drops the veteran with a 'Criminally Sexy' Swinging Snap Double Underhook DDT, then saunters backstage again

SMACKDOWN 2nd HOUR MAIN EVENT MATCH: Dave "The Animal" Batista pins WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho with a 'BatistaBomb' Sitout Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: seemed a rather foregone conclusion, didn't it!}; after the match, ECWWE's Josh Mathews bothers WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion the Big Show, who states that Batista got lucky this week, but if he were to choose to step into the ring with the former WCW Giant, then that'll be another story altogether

*PLEASE NOTE*

The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some Tag Team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.

-= BREAKING POINT =-

09/13/09 on PAY-PER-VIEW from the Bell Centre in Montreal, Quebec; now in WWE~HD

RAW commentating by 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole
ECWWE commentating by Josh Mathews & Slammy-Award-Winning Matt Striker
Smackdown commentating by 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross & Slammy-Award-Winning Todd Grisham

WWE UNIFIED TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: champions Worst Case Scenario (the Big Show & Chris Jericho) versus RAW's World's Strongest Playas (Montell Vontavius Porter & "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry); Y2J pins Henry with a TBS-Applied 'Knockout' Straight Punch {PSYCHOLOGY: whammo!}

backstage, ECWWE's Josh Mathews bothers RAW's Rhode$ to Ri¢he$, who disagree with the assessment of their Submissions-Count-Anywhere bout against D-Generation X's HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels being a match. . .  it's gonna be a fight ~ 1 that could end in the ring, or backstage, or even spill out into the streets of Montreal; Cody Rhodes admits that he & Ted DiBiase Junior aren't exactly submission specialists, but there are more variables when it comes to finding a man's. . .  well, Breaking Point; DX's good. . .  no, scratch that, they're great, but what the members of Lega¢¥ are gonna prove tonight's that the only underdogs in this match, have the initials D & X {no, wait, gimme a minute, don't tell me, I'm good @ these puzzles! . . .}, they're gonna make the Game & the Showstopper tap for the 1st time ever {well, actually, I happen to know for a fact that both men have submitted in previous matches, but whatever, it's only memory, right? . . .}; DX represents the past & however illustrious that might be, it's still the past, while Lega¢¥, as everybody knows, are the future of WWE; sure, the Cerebral Assassin & the HeartBreak Kid are fun & amusing, DiBiase supposes, like the green glow sticks that WWE hawks in support of D-Generation X. . .  but after awhile, the glow of entertainment burns out & eventually they're disposed of accordingly

before the following match, RAW's Mike "The Miz" Mizanin pompouses to the ring, where he parlez-vous français @ the Froggies in the predominently-French-Canadian WWE Universers. . .  {"Je suis the Miz et je suis awesome!" indeed}; RAW UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: champion Kofi Kingston beats Mike "The Miz" Mizanin with a 'Trouble in Paradise' Xuanfengjiao Tornado Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: Holy Match-of-the-Year Candidate, Batman!}

the official theme for Breaking Point's Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Still Unbroken"[ from their album God & Guns, available September 29th

before the following match, HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels Break it Down to the ring, where the Game proclaims that it sounds like the DX Army's here in Montreal, so he need to know if they're ready. . .  then, for the 1,000s in attendance, for the 1,000,000s watching around the world & for Montreal {because the Cerebral Assassin knows that there was an incident that happened a few years ago & some people are having a hard time letting go of it, so he just wants everybody to know, on a personal note. . . it was all Shawn's fault!}; so with that in mind, Llllllllllet's get ready to SUCK IT! . . . & if the WWE Universe ain't down with that, then HBK has 2 words for ya! . . .; RAW SUBMISSIONS-COUNT-ANYWHERE, TAG TEAM MATCH: Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ (Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior) versus D-Generation X (HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid"  Shawn Michaels); Rhodes & DiBiase make Michaels with a Ringpost-Wrapped 'Figure 4' Modified Indian Leglock & a '$1,000,000 Dream' Modified Sleeperhold, Respectively & Simultaneously {PSYCHOLOGY: ouch, his Achilles' spine!}; after the match, ECWWE's Josh Mathews bothers RAW Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton backstage, where chooses to waltz down the socio-path for a bit, inviting the wannabee real announcer to have a seat & ask him his question. . .  his reaction to the huge victory of Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ over D-Generation X's apathetic, he in fact has no reaction, as he knew that they'd win & they did just that; well, as a follow-up, what about- now, hang on there, sport, he said he was gonna ask Randy 1 question & now he's asking a 2nd, so Mathews' 1 of those people who says 1 thing & then does another. . .  just like RAW's John Cena, who claims to be incapable of saying the words "I Quit" {except when he said it back @ No Mercy 2003}, Orton doesn't understand, how can the Doctor of Thuganomics know that he's incapable of saying those words. . .  does Josh want to know how the Legend Killer's gonna make the Chain Gang Commander feel tonight? . . . {Oh, so pretty?}. . .  does Josh wanna know what it's like to have every bone in his body feel like it's about to shatter @ any moment. . .  to have his head bludgeoned to the point of when he's in & out of consciousness. . .  to be assaulted to such a degree, to that he has the power to make it all go away, just by uttering a simple sentence. . . is that what Mathews wants to know? . . . ; well, the RAW Heavyweight champion suggests that the ECWWE commentator watch his match then, because he's going to make Cena say those words that he claims to not be able to say

a video package plays, advertizing Hell in a Cell, live on pay-per-view, October 4th

SMACKDOWN SINGAPORE CANE MATCH: Kane beats the Great Khali with a 'Goozle' 1-Handed Chokeslam {PSYCHOLOGY: yeah, but. . .  oh hell, never mind, my brain hurts now anyway ! I pity poor JR for having to make this match sound awesome!}

backstage, Smackdown's Eve Torres bothers her brand's Heavyweight champion CM Punk, who's been hearing a lot of talk heading into this match, so he's gonna keep this brief. . .  nobody gave the Straight-Edge Superstar a chance going into this match, against the spooky UnderTaker. . .  which's funny, because nobody gave him a chance going into Summerslam against the now-fired-because-of-him Jeff Hardy in that TLC match, but oh look, he's the Heavyweight champion & the Rainbow-Haired Warrior's unemployed, making Punk the 1st-ever Straight-Edge Heavyweight champion; just 3 weeks after the Charismatic Enigma's gone for good, he goes & does what CM said he would for months ~ it's all there in black & white, you can turn on your TV & see it; nobody's gonna see Punk's mugshot all over the internet, nor will anybody see CM in the headlines for such atrocious behaviour; unlike all the wannabe French derelicts here in Montreal, who pollute their bodies with booze & cigarette smoke ~ the Smackdown Heavyweight champion leads a clean life, which means good things happen to him {yeah, like a jogger dropping dead of a heart attack while jogging, right?} & he knows that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the Strait-Edge lifestyle can beat the power of the UnderTaker; he's not scared of anything that the Phenom can do &-WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS? . . . oh, it's just Smackdown's Jimmy Wang Yang, who, besides having a clear deathwish for spooking the champion, wants to wish Punk luck in his match tonight; yeah, about that, have some gratuitous beatdown as a sign of the Heavyweight champion's gratitude. . .  so as he was saying, CM's not worried about 'Taker, the Dead Man should be frightened of the Straight-Edge Superstar

before the following match, it's announced that ECWWE General Manager Tiffany had decreed that Ezekiel Jackson & Vladimir Kozlov have been banned from ringside & if they didn't head backstage immediately, William Regal would automatically forfeit his ECWWE HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: champion Christian defeats William Regal with 'Kill Switch' Crucifix Faceplant {PSYCHOLOGY: Holy 2nd Match-of-the-Year Candidate, Batman!}

1996 WWE Hall of Famer Patt Patterson ambles down to the ring, where he bilingually thanks the Montreal WWE Universe members, then proclaims that it's not too bad for a kid who started wrestling in 1958, to go on to be known all over the world as the 1st-ever Intercontinental champion; this is why tonight, he's proud to introduce- Smackdown's Dolph Ziggler chooses that exact moment to interrupt by sauntering down to the ring, where Patterson exclaims that he doesn't need to shake Ziggler's hand, he knows who the former Spirit Squader is. . .  you know, Patt walked all around Montreal the other day & does Dolph want to know how many people asked about him. . .  nobody; naw, the premiere I-C champ's just joshing the future champ, he's only having fun & they like to have fun in Montreal; Patt'll be honest with Ziggler, he has a great future in WWE, he has a lot of talent & if he's lucky, somewhere down the road, Ziggler can also 1 day become the Intercontinental champion; after wishing Dolph luck, Patterson gets a dose of incredulity from the younger man, who asks when WWE was taken over by senior citizens {I hope WWE Owner Vince McMahon didn't hear that!}. . .  if Patt's here, then who's @ home watching reruns of "The Golden Girls"? . . .  was Wilfred Brimley unable to make it tonight? . . . does the retirement home know Patt snuck out? . . .  naw, Dolph's just having some fun, as a matter of fact, until Ziggler saw him come down to the ring tonight, he thought Patterson was dead. . .  but now that the former Spirit Squader's seen the premiere I-C champion in person, he has to admit that Patt looks like $1,000,000. . .  even his hair piece looks real; c'mon, how can they be wasting valuable pay-per-view time on some old fossil who nobody cares about, or even remembers; naw, naw, Dolph's just playing around again, Patt ~ he was the 1st-ever Intercontinental champion, but what, was that back in the 1800s against Abraham Lincoln? . . .  hey, still kidding, Patt ol' buddy, as far as Ziggler's concerned, he's a good guy. . .  no, strike that, he's a great guy. . .  no, even better than that, he's a helluva guy. . .  but you know what, Dolph knows what Patterson is, he's a coward & he's gonna get a boot dans le croissant-basket for his troubles, leaving the WWE Hall of Famer laying on the mat humiliated; before Dolph can take too much more liberties with Patterson, Smackdown Intercontinental champion John Morrison Ain't No Make Believes to the rescue, sending the former Spirit Squader sauntering backstage again, apparently nonplussed about both the reaction he's getting & the fact that, for some reason, he's not getting his I-C title match on tonight's pay-per-view

"I QUIT", RAW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: John Cena makes champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton Submit with an 'STFU' Modified "Submission Through Fear" Stepover Toehold Facelock {PSYCHOLOGY: with the chain from Randy's handcuffs stretched across Orton's own throat!}

MAIN EVENT, SUBMISSION, SMACKDOWN HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: the UnderTaker makes champion CM Punk Submit with a 'Devil's Gate' Figure 4 Chokehold {PSYCHOLOGY: 2 new champions, I'm actually legitimately surprised!}; after the match, though, General Manager Theodore R. Long holla-holla-hollas out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where he reminds us that the move 'Taker used was banned several months ago by then-GM Vicki Guerrero & it remained that way, so therefore this match must resume, where champion CM Punk makes the Dead Man Submit with an 'Anaconda Vice' Arm Trap Triangle Choke {PSYCHOLOGY: in a relatively accurate re-enactment of the Montreal Screwjob}; after the match, which ended much too quickly & familiarly, Long stands on the ring entrance ramp stage, while the referee bids a hasty retreat & the Phenom Bret Harts about what the hell happened?

HIGHLIGHTS: during their interview with ECWWE's Josh Mathews, I happened to notice what looked like a hearing aide in RAW's Ted DiBiase Junior's right ear, though the internet seems to have no knowledge of his needing any such equipment; was it just me, or did RAW's Mike "The Miz" Mizanin look like he had a Juggalo logo on the front of his tights? . . . ; during RAW's Submissions-Count-Anywhere match, HHH had Cody Rhodes threaded through a steel chair in a Boston Crab, then 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels grabs the Lega¢¥ member in a Cobra Clutch-type move, until Ted DiBiase Junior broke it up a few seconds later; while I did notice that Smackdown announcer Michael Cole did have a blue striped tie & matching shirt, I also noted that ECWWE's Josh Mathews had followed suit, by wearing a mauve striped tie & shirt combo; during the ECWWE title match, William Regal laid champion Christian out with a 'Regal-Plex' Bridging Leg Hook Belly-To-Back Suplex, which blew my mind; during the introductions for the RAW Heavyweight title match, the DVR broadcasting the pay-per-view decided it was gonna shut off due to inactivity {even though it's been "active" for the previous 2 hours, broadcasting the event!}; the notable signs of the night {even though there were actually few & far-between of any noteworthiness}: "The Voices Say 'Quit'!". . .

09/07/09 originating on USA Network {in the United States} & simulcast on the Score {in Canada}

commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole

from the AllState Arena in Chicago, Illinois; now in WWE~HD

Celebrity Guest Host Bob Barker Comes on Down onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where he thanks the RAW Universe for the wonderful welcome, he wishes he had a refrigerator for each & 1 of them ~ the reception tells him that they're really gonna party tonight; they're the people who have kept Barker working for more than ½ a century & he thanks them for it; tonight, he has the job of playing a pricing game for the RAW Universe, but 1st he needs to have some contestants, throwing it to the fine announcer Howard Finkel to call out some ~ Santino Marella, come on down. . .  Jillian Hall, come on down. . .  Irwin R. Shyster, come on down. . .  WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho, come on down. . .  all wearing classic Price is Right name tags, even though Y2J wasn't even wearing a shirt; the 1st prize they're bidding on, as presented by Rosa Mendes, is a copy of the new "Smackdown 10th Anniversary" 3-DVD set, available September 15th, but it could be theirs right now, if the Price is RAW; the Milan Miracle giggles hysterically, then tries to buy a vowel. . .  well, Bob thinks that Santino's been bodyslammed too many times, but anywho, Marella bids $1,465. . .  next's Jillian, who's a real big fan who's prepared a special song for Barker, but then after the crowd boos her to stop singing, she croons her bid of $75. . .  then I~R~S asks if the price includes taxes, because everybody has to think about taxes, so he bids $50 to include taxes. . .  then it's the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah's turn, but instead of playing along with this charade, he steps up on stage, getting all up in the geriatric grill of Barker, who proclaims that Chris' mom wouldn't be proud of him for his behaviour here tonight ~ well 1st of all, watch your mouth, let the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions explain something to the auld-school Price is Right host, he has to show the WWE Tag Team co-champion respect, he needs to call him Mister Jericho, to pander to him & treat him like the best in the world, he's ½ of the- that's a bid, $1, now go back down there & stand next to the other contestants, don't make Bob take Chris over his knee, be a good boy; the actual retail price's $18.90 & believe it or not, because the other 3 went over on their bids, the King of My World's won the DVD & now has to head on down to the ring for a chance @ a fabulous all-expense-paid trip for 2 to Hawaii, as presented by the Bella Twins, in the following match, where Montell Vontavius Porter pins Y2J with a Floatover {PSYCHOLOGY: oh sweet Jesus, I'm laughing so hard @ all of this!}

WWE Home Video presents "the Rise & Fall of WCW", "The New & Improved DX" & "the Bash 2009", available now @ all major DVD retailers & @ www.WWEShop.com

in the Celebrity Guest Host's office, Kelly Kelly helps Bob Barker shamelessly shill his new book, "Priceless Memories", the proceeds of which go towards the DJ&T Foundation, named in memory of his wife Dorothy Jo & Matilda, or "Tillie" & all money goes towards the spaying & neutering of animals; in step HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, who state that they're big fans of his, "Happy Gilmore" is their favourite movie, they love it when Bob beats the **** out of Adam Sandler; HBK was wondering, in regards to Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior. . .  exactly how does somebody go about spaying & neutering, anyway; now, Barker was under the impression that they'd be in that kinda mood tonight, D-Generation X will get their chance Sunday @ Breaking Point, but for tonight, let's go over & spin the big wheel; say, this isn't some kinda game show here, it's DX's careers, they aren't prepared to leave all that in the hands of some computerized & randomized wheel that'll spin twice, showing all the RAW Superstars, with the 2 who come up being their opponents in a Tag Team match tonight, but the auld-school game show host has 2 words for them ~ spin it; when the Showstopper presses the button, "Masterpiece" Chris Masters comes up & when the Game spins, it comes up Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, so they'll be back for the Showcase Showdown later in the night; meanwhile, Bob announces that, if Chavo Guerrero Junior wins his match tonight, he could win a new red Chevrolet Corvette, sportily modeled by Brie & Nikki Bella; Evan Bourne beats Chavito Heat with a Roll-Up {PSYCHOLOGY: I'm starting to sense how this' gonna go, whoever has a chance @ winning a prize, if they win their match, won't! . . . & @ least he's not losing to Hornswaggle again this week!}

a video package plays, advertizing Breaking Point, live on pay-per-view, September 13th @ the Centre Bell in Montreal, Quebec ~ for tickets, call (514) 790-2525 or 1-877-668-8269, or check out www.geg.ca

various members of the Chicago White Sox are seen @ ringside, watching as Cody Rhodes saunters to the ring, where he proclaims that he's indeed still a member of Lega¢¥, but that doesn't mean that he appreciated what Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton did to his father, WWE Hall of Famer "American Dream" Dusty Rhodes, last week; what the RAW Universe doesn't seem to be able to comprehend, though, is that Dusty didn't make Cody a Main Eventer, the Legend Killer did; he can lie to the fans & say that the American Dream was a neglectful father, missing birthdays & graduations left & right, but the truth's that he's an excellent father. . .  though it wasn't Cody's choice, it was either family or career for him & he made it; @ Breaking Point, it doesn't matter if HHH or 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels taps out, or even where, as long as Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ come out on top; Cody remembers something that Dusty said once, there's nothing a father wouldn't do for his son. . .  well, there's nothing this son wouldn't do for his career & he looks forward to making John Cena tap out in the following RAW 1st HOUR MAIN EVENT MATCH: Cena defeats Rhodes via Disqualification After Orton Interferes {PSYCHOLOGY: this match proved 2 things ~ the Chain Gang Commander has a chance to make the Heavyweight champion say "I Quit" in their title match on Sunday ~ or @ least Randy's afraid that he can, anyway ~ as well as showing that D-Generation X has more than a fair shot @ beating Rhode$ to Ri¢he$}; after the match, Celebrity Guest Host Bob Barker saunters back out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where he suggests that the RAW Universe can agree that they've all seen some pretty awesome action so far, but as they're back out here for another Showcase, they need a 4th competitor, so Howard Finkel calls Chicago White Sox pitcher AJ Pierzynski to come on down, for the Price is RAW; after some small talk, the prize on the line this time's a WrestleMania 26 travel package, including a commemorative chair, a Superstars autograph signing & Fan Axxess; AJ bids $1,000. . .  Irwin R. Shyster doubles that with $2,000. . .  Jillian Hall warbles $5,000. . .  Santino Marella $1,200. . .  the actual retail price's $1,247, so the Milan Miracle's won, sending him up onto the stage to hug Bob enthusiastically; well, that's not it, as Marella has a chance to win a brand new hot tub, sexily modeled by the Bella Twins, who unfortunately don't come with the hot tub, so that Santino can't make Bella & Marella soup. . .  but he has to win the following BODY SLAM CHALLENGE MATCH: WWE Tag Team co-champion the Big Show beats Santino by Bodyslamming the Milan Miracle {PSYCHOLOGY: in seconds!!!}; after the match, Barker announces that he has another opponent for TBS, for another BODY SLAM CHALLENGE MATCH: "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry defeats the former WCW Giant by Bodyslamming the WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion {PSYCHOLOGY: so. . .  does that mean he won the hot tub?}

in the Celebrity Guest Host's office, Bob Barker's busy reading his new book "Priceless Memories", when suddenly Chavo Guerrero Junior storms in, demanding that he get his Corvette, but the former Price is Right host asks him to calm down, leaving Chavito Heat open to a Happy Gilmore-style sneak attack from Barker, who drops Guerrero with BAM! a quick rabbit punch to the breadbasket & HAI-YAH! a judo chop to the back of the neck

a video package plays, advertizing Trish Stratus as the Celebrity Guest Host for next week's RAW, live from the Air Canada Centre in Toronto, Ontario; RAW 2nd HOUR MAIN EVENT. TAG TEAM MATCH: D-Generation X (HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels) versus the Legendary Masters (Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton & "Masterpiece" Chris Masters); HBK makes Masters Submit with a 'Figure 4' Modified Indian Leglock {PSYCHOLOGY: will DX indeed be the 2 white tigers that'll be hanging off of the jugulars of WWE's Siegfred & Roy, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior, this Sunday @ Breaking Point?}; after the match, Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ storm the ring, but instead of waylaying D-Generation X, the Game & the Showstopper manage to brawl Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior backstage, leaving Orton out @ ringside, displaying the better part of valour; meanwhile, backstage, Rhodes & DiBiase seem to be getting the worst of the brawling beatdown @ the hands of the Cerebral Assassin & the HeartBreak Kid, as Arena Security look on; Cody & Ted Junior eventually make it out to the parking lot area, where they steal some guy's car & drive off, leaving the King of Kings & the 2016 WWE Hall of Famer unsatisfied; meanwhile, back in the arena, the Heavyweight champion indicates that the disappointed expressions on the faces of D-Generation X will be mirrored on the sorry mug of John Cena @ Breaking Point, as well as Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ making DX submit, thus cementing the greatness of Lega¢¥; out comes the Doctor of Thuganomics, who storms the ring & makes Randy Orton regret every single cross word that escaped the Legend Killer's lips. . .  until, of course, the Heavyweight champion drops the Chain Gang Commander with a DDT, then grabs a folding steel chair from ringside & sets it up in the ring, onto which Randy drops John with an 'RKO' Modified Ace Crusher; the Legend Killer then stands over his Breaking Point opponent, promising to make him submit for the 1st time in 6 years

09/08/09 originating on SyFy {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night

commentating by Josh Mathews & the Slammy Award-winning Matt Striker

from the Rockford MetroCentre in Rockford, Illinois; now in WWE~HD

Hurricane Helms pins "Ripper" Paul Burchill with an 'Eye of The Hurricane' Spinning Headlock Elbow Drop {PSYCHOLOGY: Hurricane-rana ~ HA, classic!}

backstage, Savannah Fong bothers Heavyweight champion Christian & "Innovator of Extreme" Tommy Dreamer, the latter stating that ECWWE's their home, here's been wrestling for the past 16 years & as a former champion, he can understand how being the champion means everything to the Instant Classic; i William Regal, Vladimir Koslov & Ezekiel Jackson think they can come in here & run roughshod over everybody, they're wrong; what they did last week, wasn't just about the Peeps' Champion & the Innovator of Extreme ~ it was about everybody in ECW Past & ECWWE Present; captain Charisma doesn't like the idea of Bill Regal & his 2 Life Partners coming in here to take over, so whether it's last week with some Kendo sticks, or this week in a Tag Team match, or this Sunday @ Breaking Point when he defends his Heavyweight title against Regal, Christian's joining Dreamer in taking a stand & making a point

DID YOU KNOW. . . last Tuesday, more male viewers watched ECWWE, than any program on FX, Spike TV or ESPN! . . . ; betcha these 4 guys knew that, as they head to the ring for the following TAG TEAM MATCH: Say, Say, Say ("Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin & Sheamus O'Shaunessy) versus the 24 Karat Stratocasters (Yoshi Tatsu & Goldust); Benjamin beats the Former Black Reign with a Pinfall {PSYCHOLOGY: after O'Shaunessy kicked Goldy right in the chops!}; after the match, Sheamus shows his extreme disdain against his partner, by dropping him like a obviously-dyed hunk of haggis, until WWE Officials manage to pry them apart

the official theme for Breaking Point's Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Still Unbroken", from their album God & Guns, available September 29th

Zack Ryder defeats Rory Fargo with a 'Zack Attack' Inverted Overdriver {PSYCHOLOGY: before the opening bell even sounded!}

in the General Manager's office, Tiffany tells Tyler Reks that he's proving himself here on ECWWE, with his success; too bad he gets dismisses by William Regal & his Rough Riders, who ask how she can let the likes of Heavyweight champion Christian & "Innovator of Extreme" Tommy Dreamer get away with attacking Vladimir Kozlov & Ezekiel Jackson last week on ECWWE; well, Tiffany might've reacted differently. . .  had she not seen those 2 men do exactly the same thing to the Peeps' Champion & the ECW Original the week before, so fair's fair; Regal thinks it wasn't fair, it was a desperate act from 2 desperate men, they sensed that their careers were coming to an end & in a few moments, the Moscow Mauler & Big Zeke will prove those fears justified. . .  then William will move onto Breaking Point this Sunday & take the Heavyweight title from the Instant Classic; MAIN EVENT, TAG TEAM MATCH: the Rough Riders (Vladimir Kozlov & Ezekiel Jackson) versus ECWWE Attitude (Heavyweight champion Christian & "Innovator of Extreme" Tommy Dreamer); Jackson pins Dreamer with a 'Big & Bad' Urinagi Bomb {PSYCHOLOGY: good setup for the upcoming Heavyweight title match @ Breaking Point!}; after the match, Regal applies a 'Regal Stretch' Arm-Trapping Cross-Legged Stepover Toehold Facelock onto the ECW Original, while his fellow Tormentors keep Captain Charisma distracted with some shoe leather to the cranium

09/10/09 originating on WGN America {in the United States}

RAW commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole
ECWWE commentating by Josh Mathews & Slammy Award-winning Matt Striker
Smackdown commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross & the Slammy Award-winning Todd Grisham

SMACKDOWN MATCH: Kane beats Jimmy Wang Yang with a 'Goozle' 1-Handed Chokeslam {PSYCHOLOGY: awww, shucks, y'all!}; after the match, the Bald Red Machine reaches under the ring to retrieve a Kendo stick, bashing the Asian Redneck into oblivion, in preparation of his bout against the Great Khali this Sunday

ECWWE MATCH: Sheamus O'Shaunessy defeats Yoshi Tatsu with a 'Dublin Dervish' Side Slam Backbreaker {PSYCHOLOGY: they seem desperate for me to call it the Irish Curse! . . .}; DID YOU KNOW. . . Superstars was the #1 show on WGN American for the entire week! . . . ; betcha Brie Bella knew that, as she accompanies her sister Nikki to the ring for the following ECWWE DIVAS MATCH: Brie Bella pins Katie Lea Burchill with a Cross Body Block {PSYCHOLOGY: after she replaced the much-more-beaten-down Nikki!}

SMACKDOWN MATCH: Dolph Ziggler beats "Slam Master J" Jesse Dalton with an 'NTN' Jumping Russian Legsweep {PSYCHOLOGY: good momentum going into his Smackdown Intercontinental title match against champion John Morrison this Sunday!}

the official theme for Breaking Point's Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Still Unbroken", from their album God & Guns, available September 29th

MAIN EVENT, RAW TAG TEAM MATCH: the All-Mizaricans ("All-American American" Jack Swagger & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin) versus Kofimo (United States champion Kofi Kingston & Primo Colon); Mizanin defeats Kingston with a 'Skull-Crushing Finale' Full-Nelson Forward Russian Legsweep {PSYCHOLOGY: showing us that the Miz has what it takes to defeat the champion, after being so strident about wanting to be the new U.S. titlist!}

09/11/09 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}

commentating by Slammy Award-winning Todd Grisham & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross

from the Rockford MetroCentre in Rockford, Illinois; now in WWE~HD

the UnderTaker Dead Mans to the ring in his Attitude-Era sleeveless leather jacket, where he imposes upon us his threatening lack of goatee, then proclaims that the sands of time have fallen slowly through the hour glass, but in 2 days' time, he'll reclaim his Heavyweight title & once again cast his shadow of darkness over the Smackdown Universe; the Phenom's sure by now that the current champ, CM Punk, is very tired, given that he's constantly waking up in a cold sweat, consumed by fear. . .  because he knows that his Breaking Point'll be realized when he feels the grip of the 'Devil's Gate' Figure 4 Chokehold; submission's the only alternative to an eternity of pain for the Straight-Edge Superstar & when Punk submits, not only will he relinquish his title, CM'll personally hand 'Taker his soul & thus the symphony of lies shall end; well, dem's Killswitch-Engage-to-the-ring words, as the Heavyweight champion mocks the Dead Man concocting his own symphony of lies, it's like the pot calling the kettle black; Punk sees through all the smoke & mirrors, to see the UnderTaker for what he really is. . .  while Jeff Hardy was the Smackdown Universe's Charismatic Enabler, the Phenom's so much worse, because he's prayed on their chemically-influenced minds for almost 20 years; Alice in Wonderland led an entire generation of hippies to experiment with magic mushrooms & recreational hallucinogens, but 'Taker created his own self-destructive cycle, because the Smackdown Universe actually believe in him ~ that he can withstand any beating, with mystical powers from the Dark Side that'll allow him to vanquish any foe; worse yet, they actually believe that the UnderTaker has a chance @ taking CM's Heavyweight title this Sunday, but he's managed to convince them of this because of his rather impressive list of victims. . .  the Hogans, the Flairs, the HeartBreak Kids; everybody thinks that the Straight-Edge Superstar's gonna easily be added to the UnderTaker's list of claimed souls, but what he & they don't realize's that Punk's so much smaller than all of those men; Punk's not after the Dead Man's soul, he just wants 'Taker to tap out; they just lost their beloved Jeff Hardy, so what's the Smackdown Universe gonna do when the Phenom submits to the 'Anaconda Vice' Arm Trap Triangle Choke. . .  well, CM'll tell ya what they're gonna do, they're all gonna go retreat into their little worlds, take some 40 ounce bottle of liquid courage to make themselves feel better, maybe pop 3 or 4 extra pain pills, just to numb themselves to the reality that their hero the UnderTaker tapped out; but in case they were itching for a preview, the Heavyweight champion promises to make Matt Hardy tap out to his trusty old submission move later tonight & Punk wants desperately for 'Taker to not interfere, because he wants all of these sad pathetic people to get a good glimpse that they're all gonna be living in, after the Straight-Edge Superstar makes the Phenom tap out @ Breaking Point, a world with only 1 true icon, somebody that these people can be proud of, the choice of a New Generation, the only Straight-Edge champion in WWE history & they'll all be forced to join Punk, to Just Say No; the way the Dead Man sees it, CM has it wrong, they won't be saying Just Say No, rather they'll be saying Rest in Peace!

before the following match, a video package plays, showing Mike Knox weirding us out again by telling us that some lizards can shed their tail, when faced with a predator. . .  as it flees, the predator will feast on that tail, but the appetite of Knox won't be satisfied with the mere tail of Fit Finlay in the following SMACKDOWN "BELFAST BRAWL" NO DISQUALIFICATION MATCH: Finlay pins Knox with a Shillelagh Upside the Skull {PSYCHOLOGY: augh, laddie!}

backstage, Dolph Ziggler's about to knock on the door to the Divas Locker Room, when Women's champion Michelle McCool hobbles on by, asking the soon-to-be new Intercontinental champion why he'd wanna be with a skankilicious girl like Maria Kanellis, when he could be with a super-sexy woman like her & OOPS, pardon Michelle as she accidentally-on-purpose falls into Ziggler, while Layla El secretly records the entire "accident" from nearby

the official theme for Breaking Point's Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Still Unbroken", from their album God & Guns, available September 29th

the Great Khali versus David Hart Smith Doesn't Even Start, as Kane Interferes {PSYCHOLOGY: well, as if we needed to wrap our brains around the idea of Smith somehow coming out on top, in this decidedly-1-sided match against the Punjabi Playboy!}

DID YOU KNOW. . . last Friday night, Smackdown was the #1 rated program on television among all male viewers, beating all programs on broadcast & cable! . . . ; betcha the WWE Unified Tag Team champions knew that, as Chris Jericho & the Big Show anger to the ring for the following SMACKDOWN 1st HOUR MAIN EVENT, TAG TEAM MATCH: Cryme Tyme (JTG & Shad Gaspard) versus WWE Unified Tag Team champions Worst Case Scenario (Y2J & TBS); the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions beats JTG with a former WCW Giant-Applied 'Knockout' Straight Punch in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: ouchies!!}

in the General Manager's office, Theodore R. Long's busy texting somebody, when WWE Owner Vince McMahon powerwalks into his office, proclaiming that Teddy's not doing good. . .  Smackdown's okay & Long's on probation, Vinnie-Mac built his empire on excellence & that's not what he sees out there tonight; listen, he as a huge surprise for next week, that'll knock the McMahonopolizer's socks off & change the face of Smackdown forever; well, that's all well & good, but what's Teddy gonna have for Breaking Point & it'd better be excellent. . .  well, Long's just working on that right now & as for that glorious picture of the WWE Owner, he's asked all around about its whereabouts & is confident that it'll turn up. . .  eventually

WWE Home Video presents "the Best of Smackdown", a 3-dis set commemorating the 10 years of Thursday & Friday nights, available this Tuesday @ all major DVD retailers & @ www.WWEShop.com

Intercontinental champion John Morrison defeats Charlie Haas with a 'Starship Pain' Split-Legged Corkscrew Moonsault in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: surprise, had it all typed up as the Ambassador of Abdominals was still entering the ring!}; after the match, the Shaman of Sexy states that last week he had the single-greatest match of his young career & it was all thanks to former I-C champion Rey Mysterio Junior; Morrison wanted to come out here to talk about how he felt after that match, but words escape him, so he instead plays a video package of the closing minutes of that stellar match from last week; from the bottom of his heart, John thanks Rey for being a great competitor & an even greater competitor & whenever Misterio wants another shot @ the belt, he's got it; Dolph Ziggler saunters out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where he proclaims that it absolutely sickens him, he earned his title shot @ Breaking Point, then Rey-Rey & the former ECWWE Heavyweight champion went & had their little buddy-buddy bout, leaving Dolph in the lurch. . . well yeah, that's pretty much exactly what happened, but anyway, what was Ziggler gonna do Sunday, lose to Mysterio for a 3rd time; well, as it just so happens, Dolph was softening up Rey, everybody knows that 3rd time's the charm. . .  he earned that title match & he wants it; naw, you're right, Dolph deserves a title match, so why not have it right here, right now; naw, naw, naw, they're gonna have his title match on his terms, when Dolph says so; after making fun of Ziggler's admittedly-funny surname, the Shaman of Sexy prompts the entire Smackdown Universe to chant Mister Ziggles, much like he supposes that Maria Kanellis must do, that's kinda cute; stop it right now, or Dolph'll leave this stage. . .  well, as it just so happens, that seems to be what the Smackdown Universe wants anyway, so John suggests that he'd better do just that, presupposing that the entire WWE Universe will be chanting Mister Ziggles for as long as Morrison's the Intercontinental champion

backstage, ECWWE's Josh Mathews bothers Matt Hardy, who states that last week, Heavyweight champion CM Punk didn't give him the proper opportunity to finish business like he wanted to, so this week's Submission Match right up his alley; the Straight-Edge Superstar claims to have never submitted to the evil vices of alcohol or prescription medication, but after tonight Punk won't be able to say that anymore. . .  there'll be 2 Submissions, the UnderTaker @ Breaking Point & Mat Hardy on Smackdown, with the end result of both matches being the Heavyweight champion tapping out & begging for mercy; CM can try all he wants to apply his 'Anaconda Vice' Arm Trap Triangle Choke, but the former Mattitude Practitioner states that he'll be very lucky to make it to Breaking Point @ all, after what he has planned for the Straight-Edge Superstar tonight, because when he locks in a submission hold, Matt's not letting go

SMACKDOWN DIVAS MATCH: Layla El pins Melina Perez with a Women's champion Michelle McCool-Applied Crutch {PSYCHOLOGY: wow, I didn't know that Layla was so short!}

backstage, ECWWE's Josh Mathews bothers "R~Truth" Ron Killings, who states that, regardless of whether Drew McIntyre wants the party to stop, it's only just beginning; where Killings' from, if you kick his dog, he kicks their cat, Drew gets no ghetto pass from the former NWA Heavyweight champion, so if his man General Manager Theodore R. Long can manage it, look out for the cook out, put Ron in a match that actually takes place & R~Truth'll be all over Drew like a monkey on a cupcake & that's the Truth, the Whole Truth & OH DEAR LORD, IT's DREW McINTYRE BEATING DOWN RON KILLINGS!

DID YOU KNOW. . . WWE television's translated into 30 languages worldwide! . . . ; betcha WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross & Slammay-Award-winning Todd Grisham knew that, as they stand in the ring to run down the BREAKING POINT CARD SO FAR: RAW Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton versus John Cena in an I Quit match. . .  Smackdown Heavyweight champion CM Punk versus the UnderTaker in a Submission match. . .  RAW's D-Generation X (HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels) versus Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ (Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior) in a Submissions-Count-Anywhere match. . .  WWE Unified Tag Team champions Worst Case Scenario (the Big Show & Chris Jericho) versus the World's Strongest Playas (Montell Vontavius Porter & "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry). . .  Kane versus the Great Khali in a Singapore Cane match; SMACKDOWN 2nd HOUR MAIN EVENT, SUBMISSION MATCH: champion CM Punk makes Matt Hardy Submit with an 'Anaconda Vice' Arm Trap Triangle Choke in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: just as a preview for Sunday's big match, in case some of us thought he forgot how to use it!}; after the match, just as the Straigt-Edge Superstar's celebrating his victory, the UnderTaker saunters out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, as a none-too-subtle reminder of what's to come

08/24/09 originating on USA Network {in the United States} & simulcast on the Score {in Canada}

commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole

from the Thomas & Mack Center in Las Vegas, Nevada; now in WWE~HD

backstage, Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton states that last night @ Summerslam, he successfully retained his title against challenger John Cena, but not without controversy ~ during their match, a far interfered & while Security was dealing with this enthusiastic member of the WWE Universe, Randy hit an 'RKO' Modified Ace Crusher to secure the win over the Doctor of Thuganomics. . .  but it wasn't really just a fan, now, was it, Ted DiBiase Junior; no, indeed that fan was in fact Brett, Ted's brother, who bought a ticket to last night's event to watch his brother compete, neither Lega¢¥ member knew that he'd interfere in the match, his actions were inexcusable & he'll never interfere in another Orton match; Cody Rhodes clarifies that it's clear that the Legend Killer would've won his match last night anyway, therefore keeping the Heavyweight title, so who cares, really? . . . ; WWE Owner Vince McMahon powerwalks to the ring, where he introduces tonight's Celebrity Guest Host, Floyd "Money" Mayweather, who gets a nice reception from the RAW Universe; while the Heavyweight championship match from last night was mired in controversy, regardless "Legend Killer" Randy Orton's still the champ. . .  but to clear up that controversy will be cleared up @ their next pay-per-view, Breaking Point, where the Chain Gang Commander gets another shot @ the Heavyweight title in an I Quit match & if anybody interferes in the match, on behalf of the champion, then he'll immediately be stripped of his title; but before Vinnie-Mac can make his escape, D-Generation X Break it Down to the ring, where HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels show off yet another new DX t-shirt, while the Game apologizes for not coming out on a tank or something, but AVIS' charging an arm & a leg for the drop fee on 1 of those things, so with today's economy, it was unfeasible. . .  anywho, with that being said, the Cerebral Assassin proclaims that he doesn't like Good-Guy Vince, it's kinda creepy ~ it's like Michael Vick @ a PETA convention or something; HBK knows there must be a reason why the McMahonopolizer's in such a good mood. . .  wait, he's got it, today's August 24th, isn't it? . . .  he thinks somebody's got a birthday; wait, let the King of Kings guess, he was reading a newspaper this morning. . .  was it Dave Chappelle. . .  naw, ya gotta think a lot whiter & a lot crazier. . .  Oscar-winning hearing-impaired actress Marlee Matlin. . .  naw, you gotta think far older & way more incoherent. . .  now let's see, old, crazy, incoherent ~ who does HHH know who's all those things? . . .  it's Vincent Kennedy McMahon's 84th birthday! . . . no, wait, it's his 74th birthday. . .  wait, he feels terrible, the Game declares it's his bad, Vinnie-Mac's really 70. . .  tired of all the shenanigans, the McMahonopolizer exclaims that he's 64, which prompts D-Generation X to make fun of him for admitting how old he was on national television, in turn prompting McMahon to demand that they leave; now, now, the HeartBreak Kid states that, if Vince doesn't want a Happy Birthday, then he'll respect that, kudos to you sir, you're a pioneer & a genius, the reason that we all watch WWE TV & if he doesn't want to have a Happy Birthday, Shawn understands, but it Vince'll just indulge him, he has a video package tribute, accompanied by "Through the Years" by Kenny Rogers, before cutting to show Vinnie-Mac himself singing "Stand Back live @ the Slammy Awards, then getting his head shaved @ WrestleMania 23, then various hijinx featuring the Cerebral Assassin & the Showstopper, as well as some memorable moments with 2009 WWE Hall of Famer StoneCold Steve Austin; after promising he won't forget about this, the King of Kings suggests that, @ his age, he likely will, but he won't forget about this huge birthday cake, which's wheeled out by 4 backstage personnel in DX t-shirts, but they're just not feeling it & even though somebody sent out a memo that they can't celebrate his birthday on national television, this is Vegas & D-Generation X doesn't follow Vince's rules, never did then & never will now, so bring out the showgirls, who all shimmy down to the ring & show affection to McMahon; well, since they're in Vegas, here comes Vinnie-Mac's favourite forms of entertainment, Cirque De Soleil, who prance to the ring & inspires the McMahonopolizer to proclaim their little masks to be gay, just what every man wants on his birthday. . .  but you can't have a birthday in Las Vegas without a visit from the King {& no, I don't mean Jerry Lawler or the Honky Tonk Man}, who hands Vince a pair of Elvis sunglasses, then calls for a classic Presley pose & calls for the RAW Universe to sing Happy Birthday to McMahon; but, just when Vinnie-Mac thought that it was finally over, Big Dick Johnson came out of the super-sized cake, shimmying & undulating in his G-string; alright, alright, well, HHH has 1 last thing & it's sorta private, so if the RAW Universe could just, y'know, turn around, or closing their eyes or something. . .  as D-Generation X asks the WWE Owner to scooch over a little bit, as OH DEAR LORD, LEGA¢¥ ARE ATTACKING DX, but they quickly get down by the Game & Michaels, who decide that, since Floyd Mayweather's not there yet, they're gonna make a No Disqualification 6-Man Tag Team match later tonight, Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior versus the Cerebral Assassin, the 2016 WWE Hall of Famer & the McMahonopolizer & if you're not down with that, the WWE Owner has 2 words for ya! . . .

a video package plays, advertizing Breaking Point, live on pay-per-view, September 13th @ the Centre Bell in Montreal, Quebec ~ for tickets, call (514) 790-2525 or 1-877-668-8269, or check out www.geg.ca

Mike "the Miz" Mizanin pins Santino Marella with a 'Skull-Crushing Finale' Full-Nelson Forward Russian Legsweep {PSYCHOLOGY: understandable, if Mike's on his way to a feud with United States champion Kofi Kingston}; after the match, Mizanin declares that this is his getting 1 step closer to defeating the Jamaican Sensation for his U.S. title, because he's the Miz & he's awesome!

DID YOU KNOW. . . over 1,000,000 more people watched RAW last week, than Monday Night Football on ESPN! . . . ; betcha these 6 Divas knew that, as they saunter to the ring for the following "MAYWEATHER MELEE" 6-DIVAS TAG TEAM MATCH: the Girls of Summer (Gail Kim & We're Kelly~James, ****! {Kelly Kelly & Mickie James}) versus Seriously? . . . (Alicia Fox & Master/Slave {"Glamazon" Beth Phoenix & Rosa Mendes}); Fox beats James with an 'Ax' Scissor Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: WHAAAAAAAAAAAA?!}

backstage, 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels tells HHH that he's concerned about WWE Owner Vince McMahon joining them in that No-Disqualification 6-Man Tag Team match in tonight's Main Event, what with Lega¢¥ having teamed together in the past & is the Game even listening to the Showstopper? . . .  oh, the Cerebral Assassin apologizes, he was too busy perusing the Rise & Fall of WCW DVD, which just came out; then a mysterious noise starts up, which appears to be unplanned, so D-Generation X Talk over it, stating that they usually save their shameless plugs for their own merchandise, like their new "DX Army" shirt. . .  not to mention Shawn's new camo cowboy hat. . .  but back to Shawn's original concern, about Vinnie-Mac not being a Tag Team wrestler & he needs to get angry in order to be useful to them. . .  but what's the McMahonopolizer got to be angry about ~ he's a billionaire, he has a great family & a great job, he's in terrific shape for a man of his age, but the King of Kings has an idea that should have him fuming, right abouuuuuuuut. . .  now, as the camera switches to the WWE Owner's office, where Vince McMahon's getting a personal "serenade" from Jillian Hall dressed as Marilyn Monroe, which seems to do the trick

WWE Unified Tag Team champions Chris Jericho & the Big Show anger to the ring to their new entrance theme, where the latter states that Celebrity Guest Host Floyd "Money" Mayweather seems to be doing the smart thing & hiding from TBS, because if the former WCW Giant gets his hands on the boxer, then he'll get revenge for the actions of WrestleMania 24; the pair have some unfinished business & until Mayweather shows up @ this sorry arena, then they're not leaving this ring; well, there he is now, on the TitanTron, the $250,000,000 Man leads his entourage to the ring, where Floyd declares tonight Money Day, then unnecessarily reminds us what he did to the Big Show last year @ WrestleMania 24 & isn't afraid to do it again. . .  although he does have a September 19thpay-per-view bout that's more important, so the Greatest Fighter in the World decides against doing anything about it tonight; well, Y2J disagrees with that moniker & instead labels Mayweather a great self-promoter, but as a boxer he doesn't imagine that the champ's very good & the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah thinks that in his big comeback fight coming up, Juan Manuel Marquez will knock him out. . .  & after that, the WWE Unified Tag Team champion will step into that boxing ring & wipe out whatever's left; Montell Vontavius Porter comes to the rescue of his money source, he doesn't appreciate how they're talking to the man. . .  & since the Big Show's proven himself time & again that he's a big dangerous dummy & Christina's consulting his Oxford dictionary to find some 16-sylabble words to talk over everybody's head, when Mayweather's all ready to knock him 3 ways from Sunday before the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions can even open his mouth; well, sure Floyd defeated TBS with about 18 of his friends. . .  but the WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion could've done that too, had he any friends to speak of himself. but who wants to hang out with a smelly, Sasquatch-looking monstrosity like the former WCW Giant. . .  well, maybe Montell can understand Christina, Beauty & the Beast & all; Vontavius'd better remember who he's talking to, or he'll get such a tongue-lashing. . .  oh would Jericho please SHUT UP! . . .  Porter's getting tired of hearing the King of My World flapping his gums & he knows that the RAW Universe's tired of it as well, the only reason he's here on RAW's because he's ½ of the WWE Unified Tag Team champions, but if somebody were to defeat Jericho & TBS for those titles, then he'd be sent packing back to Smackdown, where nobody on Monday nights would ever have to listen to him again & if MVP can find a partner who can beat these 2 in a non-title match, then they get a title shot @ Breaking Point; yeah, Money likes the sound of that, does Montell have any ideas as to who's gonna be his partner. . .  well, as a matter of fact, he does; #1 CONTENDERSHIP, WWE TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: the World's Strongest Playas (Montell Vontavius Porter & "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry) versus champions Worst Case Scenario (Chris Jericho & the Big Show); MVP defeats Y2J with Some Brass Knuckles Upside the Melon {PSYCHOLOGY: so that's 2 matches named for Breaking point, looks like the show's shaping up already!}

backstage, Cody Rhodes, Brett & Ted DiBiase Junior discuss how they've got it made tonight, but in steps Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, who dismisses the younger DiBiase, then states that tonight's Main Event's the big chance for Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ to redeem themselves against their loss to D-Generation X last night, but more importantly Orton gets to finish what he started, when he booted WWE Owner Vince McMahon in the skull all those months ago ~ now he'll get to put Vinnie-Mac out of his misery, on his birthday; the McMahonopolizer wants to make an I Quit match between the Heavyweight champion & John Cena for Breaking Point, well that's just fine. . . he'll make sure that it's the last match that Vince ever makes

WWE Home Video presents "the Rise & Fall of WCW", a 3-disc set, available now @ all major DVD retailers & @ www.WWEShop.com

SPECIAL BOXING EXHIBITION MATCH: Hornswaggle beats Chavo Guerrero Junior via Disqualification After Chavito Heat Bodyslams the Leprechaun {PSYCHOLOGY: channeling WWE Hall of Famer "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, when he took on Mister T!}; after the match, when Guerrero tries to take some liberties with Hornswaggle, Evan Bourne storms the ring & lays him out cold, setting up another Breaking Point match between Chavo & Evan

in the WWE Owner's office, Vince McMahon's sparring with Celebrity Guest Host Floyd "Money" Mayweather, who states, in a showdown between Vinnie-Mac & Mohammed Ali, the McMahonopolizer definitely has more money. . .  in steps Carlito Caribbean Cool, who proclaims that Mayweather's a horrible host, he doesn't even have 3C on the show; then, in step HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, who contradicts what Carlito just said, stating that Floyd's doing a great job, now is Vince ready? . . .  well, he should do a few more drills, so Money goes back to it; well, McMahon should get busy, so that the Game can get busy with his daughter; well, dem's laying-out-3C-with-1-punch words, as the Cerebral Assassin says he was just kidding, but it's good that the McMahonopolizer's listening; DID YOU KNOW. . . www.WWEClassics.com has over 1,500 matches from World Wrestling Entertainment, Extreme Championship Wrestling, the National Wrestling Alliance, World Class Championship Wrestling, the American Wrestling Association & World Championship Wrestling! . . . ; betcha HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels knew that, as they Break it Down to the ring for the following RAW MAIN EVENT. NO-DISQUALIFICATION 6-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH: a Pig Flying Over a Frozen Hell (WWE Owner Vince McMahon & D-Generation X {the Game & the Showstopper}) versus Lega¢¥ (Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton & Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ {Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior}); Vinnie-Mac defeats Orton with a HBK-Applied 'Sweet Chin Music' Superkick & a John Cena-Applied 'Attitude Adjuster' Fireman's Slam {PSYCHOLOGY: talk about a birthday present!}

* * * * *

08/25/09 originating on SyFy {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night

commentating by Josh Mathews & the Slammy Award-winning Matt Striker

from the University of Phoenix Stadium in Phoenix, Arizona; now in WWE~HD

the Tormentors ~ William Regal, Vladimir Kozlov & Ezekiel Jackson ~ anger to the ring, where Regal proclaims that the ECWWE Universe's looking @ the reason why this show's never gonna be looked @ the same way again; when the Moscow Mauler & the former Brian Kendrick Henchman were playing their little game of 1-upmanship, the pathetic fans all must've assumed that it'd lead to a showdown between the 2, but that doesn't surprise William, because the ECWWE Universe lack the creativity, imagination & influence that the former Steven Regal possesses; he shocked the entire world & united these 2 behemoths, these incredible physical specimens. . .  now, as for Heavyweight champion Christian, the countdown clock's about @ 0 on his title reign & the time for a new champ's now; as if on cue, the Instant Classic Story of the Years down onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where he Peeps about the only thing reaching 0 going to be the number of people watching this show, if Regal keeps talking; now, for all his evil genius talk, the Peeps' Champion finds it curious that Willy-Boy managed to forget that he's already beaten the Staffordshire-born pugilist in a title match. . . actually, it was a Summerslam record-breaking 8 second title match, wasn't it; no, no, no, no, Regal wasn't even ready, no, no, no, listen to him, sunshine ~ either Christian can give William the rematch that everybody knows that he deserves, or the 3 Tormentors can go up there & make him regret it; yeah, say, listen Bill- don't call Regal Bill, it's a name for commoners & as a commoner himself, the Peeps' Champion may call him William. . .  yeah, whatever, Bill. . .  anywho, like the Instant Classic's already said, he's defeated the last-ever WWE King of the Ring, so what he instead proposes is to take on other challengers, those who he hasn't beaten in 8 seconds; outs boobs General Manager Tiffany, who insists that she's heard enough talk, now he wants some action ~ she agrees with the stiff-upper-lipped Brit, in the assessment that the Heavyweight champion took advantage of his challenger, before he was ready. . .  but as for William, if he wants another shot @ Christian's title, he's going to have to earn it, with a non-title match against the Peeps' Champion, if he wins, he receives his title opportunity. . .  but if he doesn't win, then he won't get any title shot; just as the Instant Classic & the British **** contemplate their Main Event match, Tiffany wishes them luck & boobs backstage again

Sheamus O'Shaunessy versus Goldust Ends in a Double Countout As Both Men Brawl Around Ringside {PSYCHOLOGY: well. . .  I supposed that's 1 way to extend a rivalry! . . .}

backstage, the Bella Twins are begging "Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin for his Louis Armstrong impression, which he eventually dolls out, until Zack Ryder swaggers by & bursts everybody's bubble, by suggesting that Brie & Nikki hang out with him; well, that's just prime, it must be time for Benjamin to slap 1 up across the chops of the former EdgeHead, but before the pair can fall fighting, in steps General Manager Tiffany, who boobs the pair that she's put them in a Tag Team match against Tyler Reks & Yoshi Tatsu, so they'd better make with the nice & go get ready

in the backstage area, Courtney Taylor bothers "Ripper" Paul Burchill, who mocks the rookie interviewer for her less-than-stellar questioning skills, though Katie Lea thinks she might look cute in a Wonder Woman outfit. . .  anywho, don't go insulting Paul intelligence by calling him Hurricane Helms, it's Gregory Helms {hell, they even have the same last name!} & this Thursday on Superstars, it won't be a repeat of last week's loss, as the Ripper declares that the Hurricane's not gonna be saving anybody, least of all himself

DID YOU KNOW. . . after Summerslam, www.WWE.com had an astonishing 50,000,000 page views! . . . ; betcha Tyler Reks & Yoshi Tatsu knew that, as a video package plays, showing how, even though they don't even speak the same language, they share a similar way of thinking, which comes forth in the following TAG TEAM MATCH: Tuft~Yamamoto (Tyler Reks & Yoshi Tatsu) versus Oceans 14 ("Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin & Zack Ryder); Tatsu defeats Ryder with a 'Mawashi Gen' Roundhouse Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: whammo!}; after the match, the former Team Angle member drops the former EdgeHead with a 'Paydirt' Leaping Reverse Space Tornado Ogawa, splaying Zack's alternately-covered legs all akimbo

MAIN EVENT MATCH: William Regal pins champion Christian with a 'Knee Trembler' Running Kneestrike in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: but now he has another shot @ the Heavyweight title, all thanks to the 'Glasnost Nyet' Charging Headbutt to The Chest of the Moscow Mauler from the apron!}

* * * * *

08/27/09 originating on WGN America {in the United States}

RAW commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole
ECWWE commentating by Josh Mathews & Slammy-Award-winning Matt Striker
Smackdown commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross & the Slammy Award-winning Todd Grisham

RAW MATCH: "All-American American" Jack Swagger beats Primo Colon with an 'Orthodontist's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: all typed before the opening bell!}; after the match, Swagger grabs Lilian Garcia's mic & proclaims that the RAW Universe's looking @ the only Superstar born to be the United States champion, so Kofi Kingston should forget about everybody else, because the only wrestler he needs to worry about's the 2-time All-American & future U.S. champion, Jack Swagger!

a video package plays, showing this week's edition of Ask the Divas. . .  WWE Universe user "Llama" asks where they'd go on their ideal date? ~ Smackdown's Mickie James would go somewhere outdoorsy, like a beach or maybe a park. . .  RAW's "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix wants to go to the mall, because loves nothing more than to be showered with gifts. . .  Smackdown's Gail Kim would prefer to go somewhere that she could get to know her date, so definitely not someplace like the movies, where she'd likely fall asleep; WWE Universe user "Ejeff345" asks how he can know if a girl he likes, feels the same about him, what signs should he look for? ~ RAW's Rosa Mendes suggests that, when you walk by her, check to see if she's checking out your arse. . .  Gail explains how you can tell by the eye contact. . .  Mickie has the Nobel-Prize-winning suggestion of asking her. . .  back to Kim, who iterates that it doesn't mean that a girl's into you, just because she glances @ you; if you have your own questions for the WWE Divas, log onto www.WWEUniverse.com

backstage, ECWWE's Gregory Helms sneaks into a nearby Boiler Room, then emerges microseconds later as Hurricane Helms, who then heads to the ring in his Superstars debut in the following ECWWE MATCH: "Ripper" Paul Burchill defeats Helms with a 'School Boy' Cradling Pinfall {PSYCHOLOGY: I absolutely love Matt Striker's commentary!!}

DID YOU KNOW. . . WWE will create more original TV shows than Showtime & HBO combined! . . . ; betcha Smackdown's UnderTaker knew that, as a video package plays, hyping the impending return to Friday nights, next week; meanwhile, here's Smackdown's Dolph Ziggler, who proclaims that Intercontinental champion Rey Mysterio Junior fluked into his win @ Summerslam & everybody knows it, so all he has to do's defeat his 2 opponents tonight & then move onto Breaking Point to take his title from the Biggest Little Man; MAIN EVENT, TRIPLE THREAT, #1 CONTENDERSHIP, SMACKDOWN INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH: Dolph Ziggler versus Mike Knox versus Fit Finlay; the Former Nick Metro pins the former Mike Hettinga with a Tough Irish ****-Applied 'Celtic Cross' Cradling Reverse Piledriver {PSYCHOLOGY: they're still toting that Rey-Rey's gonna be defending against Ziggler, when in fact, as of this typing, John Morrison's already been crowned the new I-C champ @ the most-recent Smackdown taping, as Mysterio's off for 30 days due to a Wellness Policy violation}

* * * * *

08/28/09 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}

commentating by Slammy Award-winning Todd Grisham & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross

from the University of Phoenix Stadium in Phoenix, Arizona; now in WWE~HD

Heavyweight champion CM Punk Killswitch Engages to the ring, where he basks in the bile of the Smackdown Universe, then declares that he told us so, that he'd defeat Jeff Hardy @ Summerslam & in case we were too intoxicated to remember, he calls for a video package to play, showing highlights of the whole thing; the Straight-Edge Superstar's never felt so alive as he does right now & he's sure that none of the weaklings in the arena tonight are even capable of knowing such feelings, as they're all too busy with their numerous addictions to feel anything real; he's feeling every bump & bruise today, a whole 5 days after the match, which he uses as a reminder of how much better he is than the Rainbow-Haired Warrior & every single member of the Smackdown Universe ~ they all reach for the Extra Strength pain relief when they have the slightest of headaches, but if either of them felt the way Punk does right now, they'd be on a morphine drip; right after the match, he was celebrating CM's superiority over the Charismatic Enigma, when suddenly all his thunder was stolen by the evil UnderTaker, who dropped the new champion with a 'Goozle" Chokeslam, so with all that he's gone through in the past week, the straight-Edge Superstar's now forced to take part in a Steel Cage match tonight; he's a pioneer & makes sacrifices, he's the role model that the world needs & that's why the WWE Management are scared of him, but Punk's better than the Rainbow-Haired Enigma & tonight he's gonna prove it once again; cue the Charismatic Warrior, who EndeavorAfters to the ring & states that he hopes that Punk's enjoyed his reign as the Straight-Edge Heavyweight champion, because it ends tonight; CM's sitting out here in his high horse, proclaiming that the 3 most important words in the english language's Just Say No, but tonight there are 3 different words that are more important to Hardy, Steel Cage Match; now, the Heavyweight champion knows that Jeff's drunk on something, to have the courage to come out here & face the Straight-Edge Superstar, is it painkillers to dull the scary reality that Punk's just plain better than Hardy, well Punk's fed up with young impressionable kids cheering for the Rainbow-Haired Warrior & booing the Straight-Edge Superstar, so he proposes a Loser-Leaves-WWE match. . .  if Punk loses, the Smackdown Universe & the Charismatic Enigma never have to hear the Heavyweight champion talk about how great he is. . .  but if Hardy loses, then it'll be proof positive that the Straight-Edge lifestyle's the way to be & far superior to Jeff's ImagiNation; General Manager Theodore R. Long holla-holla-hollas out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, making the match official & declaring that the winner of tonight's match'll be in a Submissions match @ Breaking Point against the Dead Man, for their Heavyweight title; speaking of whom, the Phenom makes his highly-anticipated return to Smackdown next Friday

TAG TEAM MATCH: the Maître D's of Mattitude (John Morrison & Matt Hardy) versus the Calgary Bulldogs (Tyson Kidd & David Hart Smith); Morrison beats Smith with a 'Starship Pain' Split-Legged Corkscrew Moonsault {PSYCHOLOGY: or maybe they're the Sauciers of Smattitude!}

DID YOU KNOW. . . Smackdown was the most-watched entertainment program last Friday, by males under 65! . . . ; betcha Maria Kanellis knew that, as she asks Melina Perez why she can't just let her be happy, Dolph Ziggler makes the Future Ex-Misses FanBoy Mark Jabroni happy; does she think that Melina wanted to tell her friend this & make her unhappy. . .  well, yeah, actually, because Perez doesn't have a boyfriend who cares about her, like Maria does; in steps the former Spirit Squad member, who calms the fears of his girlfriend, stating that the woman that Melina saw him with was his sister Kristen, who was @ Summerslam to see her brother not wrestling in green & white anymore

before the following match can even begin, Drew McIntyre drops "R~Truth" Ron Killings with a 'Criminally Sexy' Swinging Snap Double Underhook DDT, then proclaims that he's not here to do a little dance & sing a little rap, the party's over

a video package plays, advertizing Breaking Point, live on pay-per-view, September 13th @ the Centre Bell in Montreal, Quebec ~ for tickets, call (514) 790-2525 or 1-877-668-8269, or check out www.geg.ca

Women's champion Michelle McCool hobbles to ringside on crutches, where she proclaims that she was set to compete tonight, except that Melina Perez went & attacked her last week & injured her knee ~ the Future Ex-Missues John Brad$haw Layfield isn't cleared to compete & certainly shouldn't be out here putting any weight on it @ all, so instead she here to watch the following SMACKDOWN DIVAS MATCH: Perez defeats Layla El with a 'Kyranium Krunch' Legdropping Reverse DDT {PSYCHOLOGY: complete with primal scream!}; after the match, Melina B-Lines towards McCool, who's sent sprawling to the arena floor

WWE Home Video presents "the Rise & Fall of WCW", a 3-disc set, available now @ all major DVD retailers & @ www.WWEShop.com

Intercontinental champion Rey Mysterio Junior beats Kane via Disqualification After the Bald Red Machine Refuses to Stop Bashing the Biggest Little Man @ Ringside {PSYCHOLOGY: well, how else did you expect Rey to believably defeat the BalderTaker?!}; after the match, the Great Khali saunters down to the ring to distract Kane, while Dolph Ziggler uses his 'NTN' Jumping Russian Legsweep to distract Mysterio into unconsciousness

DID YOU KNOW. . . visitors spent more time on www.WWEUniverse.com than www.MySpace.com ~ www.Twitter.com ~ www.FaceBook.com ! . . . ; naw, betcha WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho didn't even believe that, as he once again proclaims that he's ½ of the most dominant Tag Team in WWE history & even though they technically didn't win in their match last week against Montell Vontavius Porter & "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry, Y2J takes a great deal of solace in the fact that they win when it's important & they never lost their titles last week, so they can face those 2 troglodites @ Breaking Point & defeat them, just like they took down Cryme Tyme @ Summerslam; the WWE Unified Tag Team champions are men of honour, principle & honesty, they don't cut corners & most of all, they're champions; well, speak of the Beast, here comes ½ of Cryme Tyme right now, for their match, which starts off as a Singles match, but quickly degenerates into bedlam, so General Manager Theodore R. Long holla-holla-hollas to the ring entrance ramp stage, where he declares this now to be a TAG TEAM MATCH: WWE Tag Team champions Worst Case Scenario (Chris Jericho & the Big Show) versus Cryme Tyme (JTG & Shad Gaspard); TBS defeats Gaspard with a 'Knockout' Straight Punch {PSYCHOLOGY: blammo, what a Summerslam rematch!}

backstage, Matt Hardy wishes his younger brother Jeff luck in his Main Event match, declaring that the former Mattitude Practitioner has nothing but respect for the Rainbow-Haired Warrior, so he wants the Charismatic Enigma to go out there, knock out this Steel Cage match, knock out the Straight-Edge Superstar while he's @ it & then they can go back to thinking about bringing back Team 2xtreme on a more permanent basis; MAIN EVENT, SMACKDOWN HEAVYWEIGHT, "LOSER-LEAVES-WWE" STEEL CAGE MATCH: champion CM Punk beats Jeff Hardy by Escaping the Cage {PSYCHOLOGY: well, so much for that idea, eh Matt?}; after the match, as the Steel Cage's being lifted back up to the ceiling & the Straight-Edge Superstar heads backstage to celebrate with a 6-pack of milk, Hardy gets to his feet & apologizes for anybody who he might've disappointed, but it's been 1 helluva ride, Matt's back on his side so there's still a Hardy on Smackdown, so it's all good ~ this isn't goodbye forever, it's just goodbye for now; then, just as the Rainbow-Haired Charismatic Enigmatic Warrior's almost backstage, the Heavyweight champion goes & does the dastardly, bashing his already-beaten opponent in the back of the skull with the championship belt