*PLEASE NOTE*
The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some tag team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.

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R ~ A ~ W

12/29/08 originating on USA Network {in the United States} & simulcast on the Score {in Canada}

commentating by WWE Hall-of-Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole

from the Verizon Wireless Arena in Manchester, New Hampshire; now in WWE~HD

Rey Mysterio Junior Booyakas to the ring, where he states that last week, he was a '619' Tiger Feint Kick away from moving on to the Race to the Rumble Fatal 4-Way match this week to determine the #1 Contender for the Heavyweight title, but somebody went & took that away from him, namely 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, who interfered in Rey's match with John Brad$haw Layfield; Mysterio respects Michaels very much & understands the HeartBreak Kid falling on hard times, but the fact's that they now have a problem, so the Biggest Little Man calls out the Showstopper so that they can settle it man-to-man; Michaels Sexy Boys to the ring, where Rey-Rey states that he knows by heart that, despite his affiliation with JBL, he's not going to ask for Shawn's spot in the Race to the Rumble match ~ as a matter of fact, what Mysterio really wants is to have HBK be honourable & face him 1-on-1 tonight, the winner of the match moving on to the Fatal 4-Way match; Shawn, for his part, accepts, but Layfield saunters out onto the ring entrance ramp stage & rescinds the challenge acceptance, the only match Michaels'll be competing in will be the Road to the Rumble match; after Brad$haw dismisses HBK from the ring, Rey-Rey begs him to stay & reconsider his choice, he shouldn't listen to JBL, all the money in the world won't make up for selling his soul; cue Mike Knox, who storms out of the audience & decimates Mysterio, until Heavyweight champion John Cena decides he's had all he can stands & he can;t stands no more, chasing Knox out of the ring

backstage, "Legend Killer" Randy Orton declares that the Legacy's gonna be bigger than the 4 Horsemen, D-Generation X & Evolution; he can't tolerate losers, so all 3 members have Singles matches tonight, if they win, they complete Phase 1, but if they lose. . . ; Intercontinental champion William Regal & Layla El saunter down to ringside to scout the following match; Cody Rhodes beats CM Punk via Countout {PSYCHOLOGY: while Regal distracts the Straight-Edge Superstar, allowing the champion a psychological victory over his challenger}; after the match, Punk decides to take a few liberties with the man who cost him his Heavyweight title a few months ago, but then Regal takes advantage once more, dropping his challenger in the ring

in the backstage area, ECW Owner Stephanie McMahon tells Heavyweight champion John Cena how serious she is, tonight there's a Race to the Rumble Fatal 4-Way to determine the #1 Contender for his title, so Nipple H wants the Doctor of Thuganomics @ ringside for Special Guest Commentary; yippee, how thrilling, not only for him, WWE Superstar John Cena, but for the entire WWE Universe & there was much rejoicing. . .  did you know Dykstra spelled backwards is Artskyd; that's about as lame as Mike Adamle being the RAW General Manager, what they should do's run over a car with a monster truck, or shoot a man out of a cannon, or remake Smokey & the Bandit, something ~ it's the final RAW of 2008, for cryin' out loud; does Stepho-Mac really think the WWE Universe'd rather see his "riveting" Special Guest Commentary. . .  silence, a few boos. . .  or would they rather McMahon really put her mind to it & make a match featuring the Chain Gang Commander, Mike Knox, Rey Mysterio Junior or whoever else she wants to throw in there, making a match so unbelievable that it changes the face of life on this planet; after a resounding WWE Universe response, so Cena's just walkin' away. . .  walkin' away

Women's champion "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix & Santino Marella join Cole & Lawler @ ringside for the following RAW 6-DIVAS BATTLE ROYAL MATCH: Candice Michelle Beckman versus Kelly Kelly versus Mickie James versus Katie Lea Burchill versus Jillian Hall versus Melina Perez; Katie Lea ousts Candice, Jillian horfs K², Mickie eliminates Burchill & Hall, then Perez ousts James {PSYCHOLOGY: so now it's Melina Perez facing the Glamazon @ the Royal Rumble}; after the match, Phoenix stomps into the ring, where she slaps her former best friend across the grill, then when the ladies fall fighting, Rosa Mendez decides she has to help her idol & jumps Melina, causing Security to escort her from the arena

backstage, ECWWE's Todd Grisham bothers Chris Jericho, who apparently isn't too fond of being named Jerk of the Year by WWE Magazine, just because he tells the truth about the WWE Universe, they're gonna make New Years Resolutions & then break them a mere few days later; he promised he'd win the Heavyweight championship & did just that. . .  twice. . .  he said 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels was a phony who was only in this business for himself & waddayaknow, the Showstopper went & joined up with John Brad$haw Layfield to get ahead; now he promises he's going to win the Road to the Rumble Fatal 4-Way & move on to the Royal Rumble, where he'll reclaim the Heavyweight title; if the WWE Universe wants to see the Jerk of the Year, all they have to do's look in a mirror; a video package plays, hyping the Royal Rumble, live on pay-per-view January 25th

DID YOU KNOW. . . http://www.WWE.com beats every broadcast network's website in monthly pageviews, including http://www.CBS.com, http://www.ABC.com, http://www.FOX.com & http://www.NBC.com! . . . ; betcha Sim Snuka knew that, as he defeats "Super Haas" Charlie Snuka with a 'Deuce's Wild' Jumping Side Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: yeah, like Charlie's gonna win any of these matches!}

RAW VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL 10-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH: RAW's More Heat Than Your Sunday Night (Heavyweight champion John Cena, the Mistery Kings {Rey Mysterio Junior & Kofi Kingston} & Cryme Tyme {Shad Gaspard & JTG}) versus Hot & Bothered (RAW's Dolph Ziggler, the Bludgeon Brothers {Kane & Mike Knox} & RAW Tag Team champions ECWWE's Altered Reality {John Morrison & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin}); Rey-Rey pins Kelly Kelly's Ex-Boyfriend with an 'El Colibri' Springboard Splash {PSYCHOLOGY: hella-dynamic!!}; after the match, 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels' seen watching the show on a television, when ECWWE's Todd Grisham walks in & gets reminded that this Showstopper's known as Mister WrestleMania & he's all about stealing the show

DID YOU KNOW. . . WWE's the #2 in Yahoo searches for 2008, beating out Barack Obama, American idol, Miley Cyrus, Lindsay Lohan & Angelina Jolie {now that would be 1 helluva battle royal!} . . . ; betcha Kelly Kelly knew that, as she tells "Legend Killer" Randy Orton that she protected him from the wrath of Kane a coupla weeks ago, she thought that their night together meant something. . .  well, that was 1 night & it wasn't even all that memorable for Orton, he doesn't need a distraction like K² to dissuade him from his shot @ the Heavyweight title; ECWWE VERSUS RAW INTER-PROMOTIONAL MATCH: ECWWE Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy beats RAW's Manu with a ½-Speed 'Twist of Fate' Twisting Neckbreaker in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: ouchies!}

MAIN EVENT, "RACE To The RUMBLE" FATAL 4-WAY MATCH: "Legend Killer" Randy Orton versus 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels versus Chris Jericho versus John Brad$haw Layfield; the Showstopper pins Y2J & the Legend Killer with a 'Sweet Chin Music' Superkick, then JBL beats the Showstopper with a 'Clothesline From Hell' Standing Lariat {PSYCHOLOGY: after Shawn just stands there, refusing to lay down for his employer!}

12/30/08 originating on the Sci-Fi Network {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night

2008 Slammy-Award-Winning commentating by Matt Striker & Todd Grisham

from the Verizon Wireless Arena in Manchester, New Hampshire; now in WWE~HD

John Morrison & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin are in the ring, hosting another live edition of the Dirt Sheet, where they proclaim that they wanna end 2008 with a bang, they're gonna do something that nobody's ever done; they ask the WWE Universe to look to the person to their left, then to the person on their right, because the RAW Tag Team champions bought everybody in the arena brand news cars. . .  not really, that'd be ridiculous, they brought something better, the Dirt Sheet; 2008's been a great year for Altered Reality, both Smackdown & RAW Tag Team champions, as well as double Slammy award winners, with WWE Magazine declaring their show the best in 2008; but no, they're not gonna rest on their laurels like some other WWE Superstars, they're gonna give back to the world that's loved & adored them so very much; the Miz's gonna donate a hat to the Smithsonian & promises to say "Bababooie" as many times as he can & the Shaman of Sexy vows to star in a kung fu movie, to get abs 11 & 12 to pop out, but then they both resolve to go onto the Royal Rumble & win it all; after a little spat about who's more awesomer, the RAW Tag Team champions move onto what they're best @, mocking other WWE Superstars like Evan Bourne, who apparently resolves to move out of his mom's basement. . .  RAW Heavyweight champion John Cena should resolve to take acting lessons, so that his next movie doesn't suck as much as "The Marine". . .  RAW's Dave "The Animal" Batista should start wearing a helmet to the ring, so that he doesn't keep getting concussions all the time. . .  Smackdown's HHH resolves to buy a family-sized nasal douche. . .  Fit Finlay will stop wearing tighty-whities, so that he next son won't be a deformed leprechaun {luckily, though, leprechauns don't live as long as real people, they're like dogs}; well dem's fightin' words, as the Tough Irish Bastard & Hornswaggle stomp to the ring, where Finlay translates Horny's guttural grunts, with his fists, but when Altered Reality start making their larger size a district advantage, they turn their attention to the Leprechaun, who scurries under the ring & sends out his much-larger friend the Boogeyman, who chases the RAW Tag Team champions away

DID YOU KNOW. . . http://www.WWE.com beats every broadcast network's website in monthly pageviews, including than http://www.CBS.com, http://www.ABC.com, http://www.FOX.com & http://www.NBC.com! . . . ; betcha these guys knew that, as Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy defeats "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry via Disqualification After "All-American American" Jack Swagger Interferes in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: opening bout?!}; after the match, Henry takes out his aggression on the champion, who's already dazed from Swagger's 'Orthodontist's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb; a video package plays, hyping the Royal Rumble, live on pay-per-view January 25th

a video pizzackage plays, hyping the pending annizzoying debut of Kizarny, this wizzeek

DJ Gabriel pins Paul Burchill with a Floatover Pinfall {PSYCHOLOGY: quite a scrapping match, though, from these 2 limeys!}

a video package plays, showing Ken Kennedy talking about his part in "Behind Enemy Lines ~ Colombia" & how authentic the movie actually was, not to mention how huge the Green Bay Gregariate's gun was. . .

MAIN EVENT, NO DISQUALIFICATION TAG TEAM MATCH: the Loch Wright Monsters (the Boogeyman & Fit Finlay) versus RAW Tag Team champions Altered Reality (John Morrison & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin); Morrison beats Finlay with a Roll-up in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: slugnificent!}; after the match, Boogey & Finlay take a bit of a chunk out of the Shaman of Sexy, then the Formerly-Tough Irish Bastard hauls some kids out of the audience to have a bit of a scuff in the ring

* * * * *

S ~ M ~ A ~ C ~ K ~ D ~ O ~ W ~ N

01/02/09 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}

commentating by Tazz & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross

from the IZOD Center in East Rutherford, New Jersey; now in WWE~HD

General Manager Vickie Guerrero saunters out to the ring, where she wishes the WWE Universe a Happy New Year, 2008 was really great, but 2009 will be really fine; the Road to WrestleMania kicks off with the Royal Rumble, which'll have Smackdown represented by her husband Edge taking on Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy; plus, everybody's looking forward to the 30-Man Rumble match, with the Smackdown Superstars who'll be competing in that match being announced later tonight; HHH Motorheads to the ring, where he likewise wishes Mamacita Heat a Happy New Year, stating that he knows it's Vickie's favourite time of the year, he can't wait to hear his name listed on the top of the list of the Smackdown Superstars entered into the Royal Rumble match; when Guerrero declares that he's gonna have to wait like everybody else, the Game points out that, like the WWE Universe, he has a bit of an impatient streak & he can't wait that long, as neither can the fans, apparently, as the Cerebral Assassin points out that they're as likely to follow Vickie all around, from the airport, to the hotel, to the arena, to Baskin Robbins, to the Blimpys, to the hot dog stand outside the arena & they just wouldn't let her forget the name of the King of Kings; all Mamacita Heat knows is if HHH keeps this up, he's not gonna even be entered into the match, but the Game retorts with the idea that if he's not in the match, then chances are a Smackdown Superstar won't win the Rumble, which in turn'll make her look like a weak General Manager, which in turn'll likely get her fired & then nobody'd really wanna buy the official Vickie Guerrero action figure ~ look @ the authentic vacant I'm-in-over-my-head look in her eyes, the designer clothes bought @ the Big Girls Shop, those child-bearing hips. . .  alright, alright, the Cerebral Assassin's in the Rumble, which makes him happy, but she demands that the King of Kings has to leave the ring right now. . .  well, there's 1 more little thing, earlier today he was playing with her doll. . .  & 1 thing led to another & the doll's clothes came off & well, it's easier for him to show her, so he takes the clothes off the doll again, showing a practically-scarecrow-like physique, which further prompted HHH to go onto the internet to. . .  research information. . .  & that's when he found the nude photos on eBay; if she hurries, she can still try to win the auction, the Game himself keeps trying to get 'em but he gets outbid by some guy named ChavoG2009. . .  Mamacita Heat scurries backstage, while the Cerebral Assassin continues mocking her

a video package plays, promoting the pending return of Umaga

SMACKDOWN VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL TAG TEAM MATCH: Corned Beef & Curry (ECWWE's Fit Finlay & Smackdown's Great Khali) versus the EdgeHeads (Kurt Hawkins & Zack Ryder); Khali defeats Ryder with a 'Punjabi Plunge' Standing Chokebomb {PSYCHOLOGY: splat!}; after the match, the Tough Irish Bastard tosses Hornswaggle onto Zack, then drops him with a 'Celtic Cross' Standing Reverse Piledriver, while Horny nails Hawkins with a 'Tadpole' Top-Rope Mini-Splash

backstage, Eve Torres bothers Michelle McCool, who states that she was friends with Maria Kanellis, as well she thought she was with Eve herself, but what about Michelle's life, nobody seems to care that it's been turned upside-down now that she's lost her title; Maria got exactly what she deserved last week, for screwing McCool out of the championship; well, Torres thinks that if she'd just go talk to Kanellis, Michelle'd feel better about the loss & maybe even make up with her former friend. . .  well, there Eve goes, thinking again, maybe she should just stick with what she knows, holding a microphone

in the General Manager's office, Edge tells Vickie Guerrero that what's happened's extremely embarrassing, pictures of his wife are on eBay; the Big Show saw those pictures & they weren't as bad as he'd thought they'd be; hey, that's the Rated-R Superstar's wife TBS' talking about, it must be so embarrassing to have to hide behind her & let her fight all his battles for him; no, y'know what's embarrassing, getting knocked out by a flyweight boxer @ WrestleMania 24, if he wants to do something, then maybe the Big Show can go knock out Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy in his Tag Team match later tonight, then maybe he'll go on to face the Conniving Canuck @ the WrestleMania 25

DID YOU KNOW. . . WWE's watched by more than 15,000,000 people every week in the United States! . . . ; betcha even Festus knew that, as he takes part in the following TAG TEAM MATCH: Bad To His Bone (the Brian Kendrick & Ezekiel Jackson) versus the Dalton Brothers (Festus & Jesse Dalton); Big Zeke pins Jesse with a 'Big & Bad' Urinagi Bomb {PSYCHOLOGY: is it just me, or is Jackson 1 fingerless leather glove away from being the new Bad News Allen?}

a video package plays, hyping the Royal Rumble, live on pay-per-view January 25th

Vladimir Koslov beats Gregory Helms with a 'Cold War' 1-Handed Chokebomb {PSYCHOLOGY: perestroika, indeed!}

Jim Ross' in the ring, where he announces the Smackdown Superstars who'll compete in the 30-Man Royal Rumble match, the winner of which will move on to face a Heavyweight champion @ WrestleMania 25. . .  HHH, the Big Show, Vladimir Kozlov & United States champion "Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin, who chooses that moment to saunter on down to the ring & interjects himself, asking what's wrong with JR, he's not just a participant, he's the odds-on favourite to win the 30-man over-the-top-rope Battle Royal match, so unless Ross wants to be the 1st man tossed over that top rope, he's to take his leave; Benjamin wants the WWE Universe to take a good look @ his title, he's been the United States champion for 6 months & still going strong, in 2009 he plans on realizing his ultimate goal, main-eventing & leaving WrestleMania 25 as the Heavyweight champion; there's a reason he's called the Gold Standard, because he's for real & everybody else's talents are measured against his, there's nobody in the entire WWE better than him, he doesn't care if it's RAW's "Legend Killer" Randy Orton or Chris Jericho, ECWWE's Fit Finlay, or Smackdown's own "R-Truth" Ron Killings ~ when it comes to comparisons, there's absolutely nobody in his league. . .  except maybe the UnderTaker, who magically appears in the ring & delivers a 'Goozle' Chokeslam to the smarmy upstart

Michelle McCool struts to the ring, where she acknowledges that she owes Maria Kanellis an apology for what she did last week, the Future Ex-Missus Clemens can't be here tonight because of what the Future Ex-Missus Calloway did to her last week, so unfortunately Michelle can't apologize to Maria personally, but she can apologize to Eve Torres' face for her earlier rudeness in their interview, which the new Diva readily accepts, allowing McCool the opportunity to more easily assault her @ ringside, high-heeled shoes flying every which-way, until several WWE officials get between the 2 & send Michelle backstage while they tend to Eve

in the General Manager's office, Vickie Guerrero tells Chavo Guerrero Junior that she can't believe those pictures of her are out there on the internet, he didn't see them, did he. . .  no, of course not, that'd be. . .  creepy or something. . .  he didn't even know until HHH brought it up; speak of the devil, the Game walks in & if Chavito Heat's chest didn't hurt, why he'd. . .  well anyway, Mamacita Heat demands that the Cerebral Assassin apologize for his actions & if he doesn't, then she's gonna make him wrestle 3 times next week ~ in a Tables match, a Handicap match & A Last Man Standing match, which she chooses to call Triple Jeopardy

Montell Vontavius Porter's standing in the ring, blingless, asking that whoever he's wrestling tonight, let's just bring them out & get this over with. . . ; Kizarny beats MVP with a 'Tallula Belle' Grapevining Double Arm DDT {PSYCHOLOGY: & there was much rejoicing. . .}; after the match, RAW's Ken Kennedy stomps out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where he proclaims that Porter just got whizzuped, but he should just smile, relax & check out the Green Bay Gregariate's new DVD "Behind Enemy Lines ~ Colombia" this Tuesday, which's brought to you by Misterrrrrrrrrrr Kennedy. . .  Ken-Ned-Day!

Edge storms the ring for his upcoming match, where he declares that, naked pictures or not, the WWE Universe has to respect General Manager Vickie Guerrero & by association him, not everything's his fault, he never took advantage of Mamacita Heat a year ago ,they're still married  & he's still the love of her life. . .  he likewise never took out Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy before the main event @ the Survivor Series, but the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior's a screw-up; but when this irrational period of Hardy as champion's all over, he's more than happy to accept the blame for winning his title once again; MAIN EVENT, SMACKDOWN VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL TAG TEAM MATCH: Team 2xtreme (ECWWE Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy & Smackdown Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy) versus Smackdown's Razors & Hammers (Edge & the Big Show); the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior defeats the Conniving Canuck with a 'Swanton' Arching Centon Bomb {PSYCHOLOGY: not since Edge held the Smackdown Heavyweight title @ the same time that "Instant Classic" Christian Cage held the NWA Heavyweight title @ the same time, have 2 brothers held 2 different versions of the "big belts" @ the same time. . .  even though the Rated-R Superstar & the Peeps' Champion were only brothers in the storyline! . . .}

*PLEASE NOTE*
The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some tag team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.

* * * * *

R ~ A ~ W

12/22/08 originating on USA Network {in the United States} & simulcast on the Score {in Canada}

commentating by WWE Hall-of-Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole

from the Air Canada Centre in Toronto, Ontario; now in WWE~HD

backstage, Santino Marella & Women's champion "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix stand adorned in Yuletide acumen, with the former stating that the WWE Universe've done nothing but show him misrespect over the past 12 months ~ they laughed when he lost his Intercontinental title & giggled when he injured his. . .  scrotal region. . .  so now he has a secret, 1 that he wants all the children to pay attention to, regarding Santa Claus ~ you see, he- here comes Heavyweight champion John Cena, declaring that the big secret's that the Milan Miracle's still sore that Saint Nicholas never got him that pink Barbie Dream House with matching car, how dare you, sir; you knows, jou gots a big mouth John Chaina & nothing would give Santino more pleasure than to shut it, so why not go get himself a partner so he can take on Glamarella; well, there's Goldust. . .  no, Marella meant anybody with ovaries; oh & he forgot to mention, when Glamarella wins, Santino's gonna tell the deep dark secret of Santa Claus

before the following match, Kane pyros to the ring & informs the WWE Universe that ECW Owner Stephanie McMahon ordered him to publicly apologize for the offense he issued to Kelly Kelly last week. . .  so he saunters up to K² & apologizes, but he demands that she should likewise apologize to him, since she led him on, then lied to him when she said she was in love with ECWWE's Mike "The Miz" Mizanin & she'll never see her comeuppance coming; #1 CONTENDERSHIP;, "RACE To The RUMBLE" SINGLE-ELIMINATION TOURNAMENT, RAW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels pins the Bald Red Machine with a 'Sweet Chin Music' Superkick {PSYCHOLOGY: we're off to a good start!}; a video package plays, hyping the Royal Rumble, live on pay-per-view January 25th

a video package plays, showing Kofi Kingston wishing a happy holiday season to his family back home in Jamaica, all his people in the homeland & to all the WWE Universe; Kingston beats Manu with a 'School Boy' Cradling Pinfall {PSYCHOLOGY: boom boom boom!}

backstage, Heavyweight champion John Cena's seen chatting with Kelly Kelly, possibly getting a Tag Team partner for his match against Glamarella later tonight? . . .

in the backstage area, Sim Snuka states that, as a fellow 2nd-Generation Superstar, he could really make a difference as a member of the group that "Legend Killer" Randy Orton's gotten collected; in walk Cody Rhodes & his burly man-friend Manu, prompting Randy to ask Snuka to come back later, maybe there's gonna be an opening in their exclusive group after all. . .

a video package plays, showing RAW's 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels & Smackdown's HHH classically shilling the new D-Generation X Basketball Jersey, Hooded Sweatshirt, the new Smackdown Versus RAW 2009 {which features D-X on the cover} & of course, the new Elimination Chamber playset {ouch, sorry Shawn. . . !} ~ such great holiday present ideas, all available @ http://www.WWEShop.com ~ but when all the craziness & gift-giving's done, you have to spend time with your family {especially your in-laws. . .  & nobody wants that! . . .} so just find a nice quiet room, sit down in front of a TV & watch the new 3-disc "History of the Intercontinental Championship", where you can see the highlights of HBK's 3 title reigns. . .  & while they're @ it, then can enjoy the Game's 5 title reigns. . .  yeah, whatever, so anyway, they could also enjoy "Summerslam: the Complete Anthology", 1998-2002, then can enjoy it all. . .  or 1988-2007, brainiac; well, y'know what the Showstopper remembers most of Summerslam, in 2002, after years of doing nothing but experiencing crippling back surgery, he beat the Cerebral Assassin. . .  well, y'know what the King of Kings remembers, the HeartBreak Kid still had hair then; well, dem's fightin' words, as Shawn & HHH start play-brawling while they continue hyping http://www.WWEShop.com; backstage, CM Punk & Michaels are chatting amicably, when the Game walks in, giving the Straight-Edge Superstar his oh-so-subtle cue to leave so that the D-Generation Xers can chat; the HeartBreak Kid's been avoiding the Cerebral Assassin's calls, the Showstopper knew he could come to the King of Kings for financial support, but Shawn couldn't have that money burden hang over their friendship, he has to do this his way, he doesn't want anybody's help, Michaels knows what he's doing

before the following Divas Tag Team match, Jillian Hall "rewards" us with a rendition of a Christmas carol in a British accent, in deference to her partner, Layla El, while RAW Intercontinental champion William Regal looks on; RAW DIVAS TAG TEAM MATCH: Bangers & Mash (Jillian Hall & Layla El) versus the Wild Cats (Melina Perez & Mickie James); Perez defeats Hall with a 'Last Call' Flipping Sitout Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: flying boobies!!}

#1 CONTENDERSHIP;, "RACE To The RUMBLE" SINGLE-ELIMINATION TOURNAMENT, RAW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: John Brad$haw Layfield beats Rey Mysterio Junior via Disqualification After 2016 WEW Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels Struck JBL On The Outside of The Ring {PSYCHOLOGY: hmm. . . !}

a video package plays, showing Ken Kennedy talking about his part in "Behind Enemy Lines ~ Colombia" & how much fun it was filming the movie

#1 CONTENDERSHIP, "RACE To The RUMBLE" SINGLE-ELIMINATION TOURNAMENT, RAW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: "Legend Killer" Randy Orton defeats Dave "The Animal" Batista via Forfeit After Batista's Unable To Participate in The Match {PSYCHOLOGY: seemed like a big to-do, just to advance Orton into the Fatal 4-Way Match}; after the "match", the Legend Killer pompously proclaims that, while it was an awesome accomplishment being the youngest Heavyweight champion in WWE history, the most gratifying thing he's done in his career so far's been booting the Animal's skull last week; 4 years ago, he won his 1st Heavyweight title, in this very arena, but the following night, Batista, along with his fellow Evolution members HHH & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer "Nature Boy" Ric Flair, dropped him onto the mat, out of jealousy of his success, so Randy's been waiting to kick Dave's head in for those 4 long years; he's had the same dream every night for those 4 years & last week, Christmas came early & he was able to make that dream come true; how does it feel when the Animal knows he won't be facing the Heavyweight champion @ the Royal Rumble, he's right back where he started, taking a backseat to the Legend Killer; Batista did it o himself, he had his time, but that's over now, the next time the WWE Universe sees Orton, he'll be the Heavyweight champion

backstage, Dolph Ziggler introduces himself to Kelly Kelly, who then naturally goes back to preparing herself in a mirror; in walks ECWWE's John Morrison & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin, the latter thanking K² for the 'Goozle' Chokeslam last week @ the hands of Kane, he knew they had problems when she was an ECWWE Tuesday Nitro Girl, but he had no idea she was so vengeful; well, she's sorry, but she really has to get ready for her Mixed Tag Team match with Heavyweight champion John Cena later tonight, so. . .  well, good luck keeping her mind on her match, since the Miz & Morrison heard a nasty rumour that 1 of the Superstar's rooms were trashed, stuff stolen, passports missing. . .  gosh, they sure hope it wasn't her room, but hey, whatever. . .

#1 CONTENDERSHIP; "RACE To The RUMBLE" SINGLE-ELIMINATION TOURNAMENT, RAW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: Chris Jericho pins CM Punk with a 'Codebreaker' Cradling Falling Double-Kneestrike {PSYCHOLOGY: which pits, curiously enough, 3 heels ~ John Brad$haw Layfield, "Legend Killer" Randy Orton & Y2J ~ & 1 babyface ~ 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels ~ in the Fatal 4-Way match next week, to determine the #1 Contender for John Cena's Heavyweight title}; speaking of whom, ECWWE's Todd Grisham bothers Kelly Kelly backstage, asking her where she's going, since she has that important Mixed Tag Team match coming up next, but she's already spoken with the Chain Gang Commander & he understands that she has to go take care of all her stolen stuff from her ransacked room; before the following match, Santino Marella calls attention to a young lady in the audience, Rosa Mendez, who, despite having a large "Glamazon" sign, is obviously the world's largest fan of the Milan Miracle, but in fact that would be his girlfriend, Women's champion "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix, so Mendez's clearly his 2nd-largest fan. . .  but being 2nd isn't so bad, as Canada's 2nd to the United States in pretty much everything, but they're both behind Italy, but that's besides the point; earlier tonight, he promised to reveal the dreaded secret about Santa Claus, even though he was gonna tell it after beating Heavyweight champion John Cena & the Diva of his choice, but why wait, the secret is- awww, sun-da-ma-gun, here comes the Doctor of Thuganomics, who found out that Old Saint Nick's actually in the ACC tonight, he drank some milk, had some cookies & granted the Heavyweight champion a very special Christmas Wish, a partner for the following MAIN EVENT, MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH: Glamarella (Marella & the Glamazon) versus Nice Tans (Cena & Trish Stratus); John beats Santino with an 'FU' Fireman's Slam {PSYCHOLOGY: finally, Cena gets an arena full of fans behind him!}

12/23/08 originating on the Sci-Fi Network {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night

2008 Slammy-Award-Winning commentating by Matt Striker & Todd Grisham

no matches, this show was merely a Year-End rundown of the key moments of ECWWE in 2008

¤ CM Punk defeats John Morrison for the ECWWE Heavyweight title, then loses it to Chavo Guerrero Junior. . .

¤ the Straight-Edge Superstar wins the Money-in-The-Bank #1 Contendership Ladder Match @ WrestleMania 24, which he cashed in to defeat the recently-Smackdown-drafted Edge to become the new RAW Heavyweight champion. . .

¤ Kane wins the 24-Man Battle Royal @ WrestleMania 24 for the #1 Contendership of the ECWWE Heavyweight title, then went on to trounce champion Chavito Heat in an amazing 8 seconds, but then loses the title to "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry in a Triple Threat match which also featured the Big Show @ the Night of Champions, then gets a brand-spankin' new silver belt with a fiery phoenix on it. . .

¤ Altered Reality, the team of John Morrison & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin, went from being the Smackdown Tag Team champions, to the Slammy-Award-Winning hosts of the http://www.WWE.com Exclusive "Dirt Sheet", to beating RAW's Cryme Tyme @ Cyber Sunday {wow, that was only 2 months ago?!}, to becoming the RAW Tag Team champions. . .

¤ Matt Hardy goes from being a Tag Team specialist with his brother Jeff, to the Smackdown Tag Team co-champion with Montell Vontavius Porter, to getting revenge on MVP in the Money-In-The-Bank match @ WrestleMania 24, to defeating Porter for the Smackdown United States title, to winning the ECWWE Heavyweight championship in the Championship Scramble against Fit Finlay, Chavo Guerrero Junior, Mike "The Miz" Mizanin & then-champion "World's Strongest Champion" Mark Henry @ Unforgiven. . .

¤ the WWE debut of Evan Bourne, the highest-flying Superstar since. . .  well, Rey Mysterio Junior, or Billy Kidman, or CM Punk, or. . .  he also won the right the face ECWWE Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy @ Cyber Sunday in what's been lauded as the Match of the Year. . .  & let's not forget that Bourne's 'Air Bourne' 450° Shooting Star Press won a Slammy Award last month!

¤ WWE's Tribute to the Troops, the annual tradition, where Superstars from RAW, ECWWE & Smackdown make the trip to Iraq to put off a free show for the troops, in appreciation for their many sacrifices

¤ other great WWE Superstars who've been added to the ECWWE Roster due to the Superstar Initiative introduced by General Manager Theodore R. Long, including Kofi Kingston {now drafted to RAW}, Ricky Ortiz, DJ Gabriel & "All-American American" Jack Swagger

¤ the post-match exclusive of when ECWWE Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy came out to give his brother, new Smackdown Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy, some much-deserved props for defeating champion HHH & Edge in a Triple Threat match @ Armageddon

* * * * *

S ~ M ~ A ~ C ~ K ~ D ~ O ~ W ~ N

12/26/08 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}

commentating by Tazz & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross

from the Air Canada Centre in Toronto, Ontario; now in WWE~HD

HHH Motorheads to the ring, where he proclaims that there are certain things in life that you just don't do ~ you don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit in the wind, you don't pull the mask off the Ol' Lone Ranger & you don't mess around with the Game when he's defending his Heavyweight title, like Vladimir Kozlov did; there's a price to pay & his sledgehammer's how he'll collect; last week, the Cerebral Assassin almost got the Moscow Mauler, but Kozlov managed to eke out of the encounter without the severe tanning that his arse so sorely needed, so "Almost" doesn't come close to doing it for the King of Kings, he calls Vladimir out so they can finish it right now; instead, here comes ECWWE's Chavo Guerrero Junior, who states that he & General Manager Vickie Guerrero are really sorry that he went & lost his title 2 weeks ago @ Armageddon, but that didn't give HHH the right to assault Kozlov last week, so if the Game ever does that again, then Mamacita Heat will severely punish him ~ not only will he not be in the Royal Rumble match, he'll never compete for the Heavyweight title again, this isn't RAW & the Cerebral Assassin doesn't call the shots; well, the King of Kings understands where she's coming from, but it's just too bad Vickie was too fat to make her way out through that really big door over there. . .  hey, she's on a diet, she could fit now. . .  naw, it ain't that big of a door, Chavito; unlike Vickie, Chavo's really a Guerrero, so how is it that he's now an errand boy or a gopher, he just gets coffee & doughnuts & stuff. . .  well, the Guerreros that HHH knew, if they had anything to say to him, they'd have the guts to come out & tell the Game to his face; naw, naw, even though Chavito Heat's dressed for action, he's not gonna fall into that trap, oh wait, here's the General Manager now, she's not going to allow the Cerebral Assassin to insult her nephew, he's learned from the very best, so get Vickie a referee, they're going to square off right now in the following SMACKDOWN VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL MATCH: Smackdown's King of Kings defeats ECWWE's Chavito Heat with a 'Pedigree' Double-Underhook Faceplant {PSYCHOLOGY: after some failed cheating shenanigans from Chavo, where he brought a chair into the ring while the ref was distracted dropped in on the mat & fell down as though struck, but he forgot that all-important BANG! sound that would've caused the official to turn around & see what Guerrero wanted him to see!}

a video pizzackage plays, hyping the pending annizzoying debut of Kizarny, next wizzeek

before the following match, United States champion "Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin proclaims that he's been champ since defeating current ECWWE Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy @ the Great American Bash; SMACKDOWN UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: Benjamin pins Gregory Helms with a 'Paydirt' Leaping Reverse Space Tornado Ogawa {PSYCHOLOGY: 12 WWE Hall of Famers have been champion & the last time that the United States championship changed hands in Canada was in December of 1978, in Toronto, when Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat defeated "Nature Boy" Ric Flair ~ what a great setup for a title change, if it had to have happened!}

a video package plays, showing Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy promising to drown the Big Show in the screams of his fellow freaks, General Manager Vickie Guerrero doesn't even know the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior, so how can she be so convinced that he's so bad for WWE

DID YOU KNOW. . . last Friday, more viewers watched Smackdown on MyNetworkTV than both NBA games on ESPN, combined! . . . ; betcha the Bella Twins knew that, as they escort Tag Team champions Dos Colons to the ring for the following match, where Carlito Caribbean Cool beats The Brian Kendrick with a 'Backstabber' Cradling Falling Backbreaker {PSYCHOLOGY: just when I was wondering if he was still calling it the Backstabber, or whether he'd gone back to Backcracker!}

in the General Manager's office, Edge tells Vickie Guerrero that even here, in his own hometown, how much of a disgrace it is that Jeff Hardy's the Heavyweight champion, he's a disgrace to the entire WWE; in walks the Big Show, who thinks it might be a little awkward, but clarifies that their relationship while the Rated-R Superstar was gone was totally business; tonight, when TBS takes out the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior tonight, he wants his own title shot, which naturally doesn't sit well with the Conniving Canuck

backstage, Divas champion Michelle McCool pals around with Special Guest Referee Maria Kanellis, whose messed up a few things lately, so she'd really appreciate it if the Future Ex Missus Jabroni wouldn't mess this up for the Future Ex Missus Calloway, m'kay?

a video package plays, showing Ken Kennedy's new movie "Behind Enemy Lines ~ Colombia", available January 6th, only on DVD

another video package plays, this 1 hyping the Royal Rumble, live on pay-per-view January 25th

SMACKDOWN DIVAS TITLE MATCH: Maryse Ouellet defeats champion Michelle McCool with a 'French TKO' Roundhouse Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: quelle debacle!!}; after the match, Special Guest Referee Maria Kanellis helps McCool to her feet, then assails the Future Ex Missus Jabroni with great zeal & gusto, cementing her tarheelian status that have been brewing over the past few months

a video package plays, promoting the pending return of Umaga

the Great Khali pins Montell Vontavius Porter with a 'Punjabi Plunge' Standing Chokebomb {PSYCHOLOGY: Hassannnnnnn-CHOP!}; after the match, RAW's Ken Kennedy stomps out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where he asks Justin Roberts to give MVP a mic, so he can critique the preceding match. . .  awww, shucks, he's unconscious, well that's cool, since the Green Bay Gregariate fills in some blanks, impersonating Porter rather well while promoting his upcoming DVD, "Behind Enemy Lines ~ Colombia", but enough about Kennedy, this is about Vontavius, so without further adieu, he'd like to dedicate this portion of the show, brought to you in part- no, in full, by Misterrrrrrrrrrr Kennedy. . .  Ken-Ned-Day!

WWE Home Video presents "Edge ~ a Decade of Decadence", a 3-disc DVD set with over 8 hours of the Rated-R Superstar's greatest matches, available this Tuesday @ all major DVD retailers & http://www.WWEShop.com

Vladimir Kozlov beats Jimmy Wang Yang with a 'Glasnost Nyet' Charging Headbutt to The Chest {PSYCHOLOGY: funny, how I had that typed up while they were recapping the Smackdown Heavyweight match from Armageddon}; after the match, the Moscow Mauler challenges all Superstars from RAW, ECWWE & Smackdown to beware for their own safety, he'll do to everybody else what he just did to the former Jung Dragon member & he'll go on to win the Heavyweight title

backstage, Edge wishes the Big Show luck in his match tonight, but the former WCW Giant says he won't need luck, he's about to go out there & soften up Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy, so he wants the Rated-R Superstar to watch the match, as maybe he might get a small inkling of what's coming his way after the Conniving Canuck wins back his Heavyweight championship & TBS comes for his title shot

DID YOU KNOW. . . WWE broadcasts in 28 languages in more than 145 nations worldwide; betcha General Manager Vickie Guerrero & Edge knew that, as they sit backstage clarifying that, if the Big Show wins his match tonight, he faces the Rated-R Superstar next week to determine the #1 Contender for Jeff Hardy's title; MAIN EVENT MATCH: Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy defeats the Big Show via Countout in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: even Smackdown had more matches than iMPACT!, that oughta be sticking in some spot-monkey's craw! . . .}; after the match, ECWWE Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy comes out onto the ring entrance ramp stage to congratulate his brother on his victory; back in the General Manager's office, Edge relaxes a bit, since now he clearly doesn't have to worry about having to wrestle the Big Show next week, but Vickie Guerrero decides instead to make it a Tag Team match, the Rated-R Superstar & the former WCW Giant against Team 2xtreme, which leaves the Conniving Canuck proving his acting chops by looking all flummoxed

*PLEASE NOTE*

The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some tag team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.

* * * * *

R ~ A ~ W

12/15/08 originating on USA Network {in the United States} & simulcast on the Score {in Canada}

RAW commentating by WWE Hall-of-Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole, Smackdown commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross & Tazz

from the Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; now in WWE~HD

RAW DIVAS TAG TEAM MATCH: Phoenix-Hall (Women's champion "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall) versus New Hotness (Kelly Kelly & Melina Perez); K² pins Hall with a Roll-Up {PSYCHOLOGY: wakka wakka!}; after the match, Beth & Jillian womanhandle Kelly, until Kane pyros to the ring & menaces the blond himself, until he has her backed into the corner &. . .  extends a hand of assistance; the former Extreme Exposé dancer, seeing an opening, scampers off backstage, with the Bald Red Machine hard on her heels; backstage, Kelly's still running, encountering Jamie Knoble, but after the BalderTaker dismisses the former Jung Dragon physically, he once again corners the former ECWWE Tuesday Nitro Girl & tells her that they need to talk

Cody Rhodes & Manu are @ ringside for the following match, but 1st Deuce Shane tells us that he wants to be introduced by his real name, as he's the son of the WWE Hall of Famer "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka, so he wants to be referred to by his real name, Sim; Rey Mysterio Junior beats Sim Snuka via Disqualification After Rhodes & Manu Interfere {PSYCHOLOGY: looks like they're on a recruiting drive! . . .}; after the match, while Rey-Rey's in full "Strategeic Retreat" mode, Mike Knox bashes Mysterio down to the arena floor, rendering him unconscious with his 'Physicality' Twisting Space Tornado Ogawa

a video package plays, showing RAW's 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels & Smackdown's HHH classically shilling the new D-Generation X Hooded Sweatshirt ~ such great holiday present ideas, all available @ http://www.WWEShop.com ~ & if that's not enough, then you can buy the Game's King of Kings Plush Bear, with the Showstopper postulating that it must be from the Cerebral Assassin's Conan the Barbearian collection! . . .  well, maybe the WWE Universe can get themselves the HBK Village People bear, with authentic hair & a button on the back that makes it all fall out. . .  hey, no making fun of the hair! . . .

backstage, Kane asks Kelly Kelly if, when last week she told him "Love's a wonderful thing", she was trying to tell him something. . .  or was she just leading him on; a lot of people have hurt him & taken advantage of him, if she's 1 of them, then she can get up & walk out right now; when she gets up to leave, the Bald Red Machine slams the door & smiles his evil smile, saying that he knew she felt something. . .

in the backstage area, ECWWE's Todd Grisham bothers "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, who informs us that earlier tonight, he challenged Dave "The Animal" Batista to a rematch from last night's Armageddon, but has yet to receive a response from the coward; well, dem's fightin' words, as the Animal slaps the taste out of the Legend Killer's mouth, effectively accepting the challenge; Orton lures Batista out onto the ring entrance ramp, where Cody Rhodes & Manu are waiting; out storms Heavyweight champion John Cena, who bashes the mid-carders off of his fellow main-eventer; backstage, the Chain Gang Commander & the former Leviathan chat amicably about their recent violent outbursts, but before Cena can hand over the Chris Jericho clubbern' reigns to Batista, ECWWE's Todd Grisham steps in again, saying that ECW Owner Stephanie McMahon wants them to know that later tonight, there's a 3-on-2 Handicap match, featuring all 5 of the men involved in that recent little brawl thingy; speaking of whom, in lieu of the following match, Y2J saunters to the ring in full championship suit & tie, proclaiming that he's refusing to wrestle tonight, he's the 2008 Superstar of the Year & he's been carrying this show on his back consistently for the past 12 months, so it's a slap in the face that he's supposed to face a degenerate like Hacksaw Jim Duggan ~ if Lebron James misses the game-winning shot in 1 game, is he put down onto the far end of the bench for the next 1. . .  no & neither should the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah; he's the best in the business today & he refused to wrestle a bottom-of-the-barrel talent like Duggan; this is an insult & a travesty, he refuses to step into this ring again unless it's a championship match or @ least worthy of somebody who's of such Slammy-winning cromulence as the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions

elsewhere backsage, Kane's still trying to butter up Kelly Kelly as best he knows how, not believing her when she says she doesn't want to get to know him better. . .  unless there's somebody else; say, here's a totally-innocent suggestion, why doesn't K² tell the BalderTaker who it is, so he can go. . .  give him a present? . . . ; after Kelly squeals like a pretty blond who used to like getting naked, the Bald Red Machine's off to. . .  arrange a party. . . ; RAW Intercontinental champion William Regal & his strumpet Layla El saunter out onto the ring entrance ramp stage to watch the following RAW VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL, RAW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: RAW's New Generation (CM Punk & Kofi Kingston) versus champions ECWWE's Altered Reality (John Morrison & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin); Morrison defeats Kingston with a 'Moonlight Driver' Cartwheeling Neckbreaker {PSYCHOLOGY: after the Miz & Morrison won the titles the night before Armageddon in Hamilton, Ontario ~ nice!}; after the match, Kane once more makes his presence known, stalking his way to the ring, where he decimates the Miz with a 'Goozle' 1-Handed Chokeslam & a 'Tombstone' Elevated Pilderiver, illuding to the fact that apparently Mizanin's was the name that Kelly Kelly gave to the BalderTaker

DID YOU KNOW. . . over the past 5 years, WWE Superstars have visited more than 200 Military installations, including forward operating bases, aircraft carriers, submarines & Military hospitals! . . . ; betcha the Pittsburgh Steelers knew that, as they celebrate their markitude @ ringside, while John Brad$haw Layfield saunters out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, cuing up a video package running down the announcement made last night by his new employee, 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels

backstage, Candice Michelle Beckman & Mickie James try to console Kelly Kelly after her experience with Kane, but when she hears that the Bald Red Machine went & laid into ECWWE's Mike "The Miz" Mizanin, she scampers off

before the following match, Dolph Ziggler introduces himself, then Charlie Haas, dressed as "Santa Claas", comes to the ring, handing out presents to the WWE Universe; Ziggler defeats Claas with an 'NTN' Jumping Russian Legsweep {PSYCHOLOGY: when Lilian Garcia announced he was from the South Pole, I thought they'd brought back Balls Mahoney for the season & dressed him up as Xanta Klaus again!}; after the match, Dolph rips the wig, hat & jacket off of Haas, leaving him laying & possibly humiliated {thought considering he was dressed as Santa, there's no guarantee of that @ all, I suppose!}

a video package plays, showing Ken Kennedy talking about his part in "Behind Enemy Lines ~ Colombia", Navy SEAL Master Chief Carter Holts, who has fun @ his job & has all the funny lines in the heat of battle, true to the Green Bay Gregariate's own character

backstage, Hacksaw Jim Duggan looks a little down, but Cryme Tyme step up & tell him it's time. . . ; in the ECW Owner's office, Stephanie McMahon questions what the hell he was thinking, pulling that stunt for his match with the WWE Legend, but Y2J says that he can't believe that Nipple H actually expected him to lower himself to sully his hands on that slack-jawed yokel Hacksaw Jim Duggan, doesn't she realize that he's the Superstar of the Year. . .  well, doesn't he realize that she's his boss & he has to do what she says ~ when Stepho-Mac tells the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah to dance, she expects a fine 2-step from him; Jericho suspects that McMahon doens't understand that Dave "The Animal" Batista's rematch clause's expired, so he has no right to be considered the #1 Contender; oh, well, gee whiz, Stephane must be a horrible boss, then, because she never even knew any of that. . .  get real, she knows everything about her Superstars & not only that, all previous Heavyweight champions will be competing in different matches next week, the winners of those matches will go on to a Fatal 4-Way match next week & the winner of that match will face John Cena for the Heavyweight title the week after, so in reality Stephanie was giving Chris a warm-up match by putting him against Duggan tonight; well the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions doesn't need a warm-up match, he's ready for those matches; well, the next time that he questions the decision of the ECW Owner, Nipple H suggests that Y2J come to her, instead of making a public spectacle on national televison; in the backstage area, Cody Rhodes tells his burly man-friend Manu that their intricte plan for tonight didn't include the Doctor of Thuganomics, so "Legend Killer" Randy Orton decides that, since last night's performance @ Armageddon was so horrendously unsuccessful & since tonight's outing for revenge against Dave "The Animal" Batista wasn't much better, that if they're not gonna be 100% successful in their endeavours, then this Legacy that they're making for themse;ves won't be worth the paper that the WWE Writing Staff 1st composed it on, so they should head to the ring for their MAIN EVENT, 2-ON-3 HANDICAP TAG TEAM MATCH: the Originals with Wreckless Intent (Heavyweight champion John Cena & Dave "The Animal" Batista) versus Born to Greatnesss ("Legend Killer" Randy Orton & Somewhat Svelter Than Their Fathers {Cody Rhodes & Manu}); Batista beats Orton via Disqualification After the Legend Killer Touches the Official Roughly {PSYCHOLOGY: I'm gonna resist calling them "Legacy" until WWE puts a caption up on the screen announcing the stable's name, or releases a t-shirt or something!}; after the match, on the heels of Randy punting Dave in the melon, he comes face-to-face with the Heavyweight champion, standing ready to defend his ally, causing Rhodes, Manu & Orton to congratulate each other & head backstage, triumphant, as EMTs & backstage officials tend to the fallen Animal

12/16/08 originating on the Sci-Fi Network {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night

commentating by Matt Striker & Todd Grisham

from the 1st Mariner Arena in Baltimore, Maryland; now in WWE~HD

Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy Monster Magnets to the ring, where he declares the past 2 days have been the best in his life, because his brother, new Smackdown Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy, has overcome many obstacles in his life to get to this place, both professionally & personally; when they came to WWE 10 years ago, they just wanted to make a name for themselves, which seems to have worked out for the best, if Matt does say so for himself; even when they decided to pursue singles careers, it was certain that they'd come back together & this past Sunday, that's exactly what happened, they came back together. . .  as champions; this Friday on Smackdown there's gonna be a huge celebration & knowing his brother like he does, the Heavyweight champion knows that- hey, that's Chavo Guerrero Junior, sauntering down to the ring & asks if Matt's happy, because things are about to change, since the General Manager of Smackdown, who just happens to be his aunt Vickie, send Chavito out here to take him out, just because of his last name; Jeff Hardy took the Smackdown Heavyweight title right out from under then-champion Edge's nose ~ he's a Guerrero & he knows when things are stolen ~ so in retaliation, Mamacita Heat wants Chavo to take out Matt & put the title around his waist; Vickie talked to ECWWE General Manager Theodore R. Long already & the match's set for later tonight; sell, speaking of the MacMilitant, Long strolls out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, dressed in his festive best {& no, not a vaguely-Christmasy suit, either!}, where he confirms that he did talk to the Smackdown General Manager & Hardy himself, where they agreed to have that match, but not later tonight, rather it's to take place. . .  right now, but 1st, Teddy asks Chavito Heat to wish his aunt the best this holiday season, but she should take care to avoid those Christmas cookies, as he heard she's on a diet. . .  & if she has a problem with resisting temptation, she should just look in the mirror, because whenever he looked @ her in the past, he always lost his appetite; ECWWE HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: champion Matt Hardy defeats Chavo Guerrero Junior with a 'Twist of Fate' Twisting Neckbreaker {PSYCHOLOGY: maybe he can slap a tornado! . . .}

before the following match, Hornswaggle Finlay steals the Slammy for Best Announce Team, as won by Grisham & Striker; Fit Finlay pins Cavin Spears with a 'Celtic Cross' Cradling Reverse Piledriver {PSYCHOLOGY: augh, laddie, sur y'knew dat da Tough Oirish Bastarrrrd was gonna come augt on top, me boyo?}; after the match, Finlay & Horny laugh @ the broadcast team, taunting them to come into the ring & reclaim their Slammy, while Striker offers to trade Hornswaggle's hat for the trophy

a video package plays, showing RAW's 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels & Smackdown's HHH classically shilling the new D-Generation X Hooded Sweatshirt ~ such great holiday present ideas, all available @ http://www.WWEShop.com ~ & if that's not enough, then you can buy the Game's King of Kings Plush Bear, with the Showstopper postulating that it must be from the Cerebral Assassin's Conan the Barbearian collection! . . .  well, maybe the WWE Universe can get themselves the HBK Village People bear, with authentic hair & a button on the back that makes it all fall out. . .  hey, no making fun of the hair! . . .

backstage, DJ Gabriel & Alicia Fox are having a good time, cutting a rug in front of a Christmas tree, when Santa Claus- err, "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry & his, umm, "reindeer" WWE Hall of Famer "Mister USA" Tony Atlas step in & shoo them away, then Henry starts reciting a Yuletide poem. . .  Twas the night before Christmas & all through the Ring / not a creature was stirring, not even a bing {?!?!?} / the stockings were hung by ringside with care / in hopes that a leprechaun soon would be there / the children all nestled, all snug in their seats; then anticipation grows, the crowd's up on their feet / when from under the ring, Hornswaggle arose; with soot on his hands & his face & his nose / his Shillelagh in hand & was spinning around / the World's Strongest Santa came in with a bound / his reindeer Tony followed close with his sack / Hornswaggle was scared & took a step back / the World's Strongest Santa reached out his hand / grabbed Hornswaggle & gave him the World's Strongest Slam / out in the arena, arose such a clatter / the World's Strongest Man stood tall, the leprechaun splattered / the crowd cheered & chanted & jumped with delight / Merry Christmas to all & to all a good fight!

in the General Manager's office, Assistant Tiffany thanks RAW's CM Punk & Kofi Kingston for coming to ECWWE to take part in their 6-Man Tag Team main event match, but they're both happy to be back in their own stomping grounds; awww, Ricky didn't have to get Punk a Christmas present. . .  well, he does have presents for both of the RAW competitors, but this is for Miss Tiffany, a Rally Towel; hey, that's classy, betcha he gets the Slammy award next year for sue, this is an embarrassing present to give a beautiful woman ~ but wait, let's spin this the right way, it's a helluva lot more practical than a car. . .  err, well, it's more valuable than an XFL jersey, anyway

a video package plays, hyping the pending DVD release of "Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia", starring RAW's Ken Kennedy, premiering January 6th, 2009

MAIN EVENT, RAW VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL 6-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH: Gots Mad Hops (ECWWE's Ricky Ortiz & RAW's New Generation {CM Punk & Kofi Kingston}) versus ECWWE's Can We Get Any Better? ("All-American American" Jack Swagger & RAW Tag Team champions Altered Reality {John Morrison & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin}); Swagger beats Ortiz with an 'Orthodontist's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: smiles, everybody!}

* * * * *

S ~ M ~ A ~ C ~ K ~ D ~ O ~ W ~ N

12/19/08 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}

commentating by Tazz & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross

from the 1st Mariner Arena in Baltimore, Maryland; now in WWE~HD

the 1st face-painted Heavyweight champion in WWE since the Ultimate Warrior, Jeff Hardy, Endeavourafters to the ring & basks in the glory of the chanting WWE Universe, the overly-excessive pyro & the confetti {the last time I saw confettin for a Heavyweight champion, it was @ WrestleMania 20, when the late Chris Benoit won the RAW Heavyweight belt in a Triple Threat match against then-champion HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels. . .  & we all know how well-off he ended up. . . !}, then proclaims that he's heard the WWE Universe screaming for about a decade & he apologizes for it taking so long, but it's finally happened, he's the Heavyweight champion; the WWE's about to change, this title doesn't just represent all the world's rejects & screw-ups, he's the Heavyweight champion representing a good kinda crazy, so he wants all the WWE Universe inhabitants to get up on their feet & scream; Edge smarms out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, stating that this is all so heart-warming, but nothing's changed ~ the Rainbow-Haired Charismatic Enigmatic Warrior got lucky @ Armageddon; 1 good day out of 365 doesn't make a champion, it takes a lifetime of dedication, representing this company isn't about fate or destiny, it's about sacrifice ~ fate's what spoiled kids use when things don't go their way & destiny's a cop-out. . .  but then again, Jeff knows all about that; the Rated-R Superstar was the Heavyweight champion for 1 reason & 1 reason only, hard work; well, the champ's got 1 word for the Conniving Canuck, liar, which Edge calls cute, he had nothing to do with what happened to Hardy before the Survivor Series, he didn't need to do any such thing to beat him for the belt; for the past decade, with everything that the pair have gone through, the Rated-R Superstar's always outperformed him; Jeff wanted everybody's attention, well he's got it, since General Manager Vickie Guerrero has decided to give the WWE Universe an early Christmas present, namely Jeff's brother, ECWWE Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy taking on Yours Truly, as well as Jeff himself taking on the undefeated Vladimir Kozlov; no matter what, the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior'll always be a screw-up; well, dem's 'Twist of Fate' Twisting Neckbreakerin' words, as the Heavyweight champ drops his antagonist

TAG TEAM MATCH: the Golden Excellence (United States champion "Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin & Montell Vontavius Porter) versus It's Time For the Truth (Hurricane Helms & "R-Truth" Ron Killings); Helms defeats Benjamin with a 'VerteBreaker' Back-To-Back Double-Underhook Piledriver {PSYCHOLOGY: so not only does it further the losing streak of MVP, but it also sets up a potential title change, when the Hurricane takes on the Gold Standard next week in the main event of Smackdown}

in the General Manager's office, Vickie Guerrero tells her nephew, ECWWE's Chavo Guerrero Junior, that her coffee's not even hot, she demands hot coffee so he'd better go get her some really hot coffee, coffee coffee coffee; meanwhile, Edge's steaming about Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy having screwed him out of his title this past Sunday, but tonight he oughta concentrate on destroying his older brother, ECWWE Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy

ECWWE VERSUS SMACKDOWN INTER-PROMOTIONAL MATCH: RAW Tag Team co-champion, ECWWE's John Morrison pins Smackdown's Festus Dalton with a 'Moonlight Driver' Cartwheeling Neckbreaker {PSYCHOLOGY: but I still think Festus' strong like Hulk!}; after the match, the Miz poses over the prone Corn-Fed Colossus, insisting that the Shaman of Sexy pull his finger, so that he let loose a pent-up fart that he somehow had contained throughout the match

a video package plays, showing RAW's 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels & Smackdown's HHH classically shilling the new D-Generation X Basketball Jersey, Hooded Sweatshirt, the new Smackdown Versus RAW 2009 {which features D-X on the cover} & of course, the new Elimination Chamber playset {ouch, sorry Shawn. . . !} ~ such great holiday present ideas, all available @ http://www.WWEShop.com ~ but when all the craziness & gift-giving's done, you have to spend time with your family {especially your in-laws. . .  & nobody wants that! . . .} so just find a nice quiet room, sit down in front of a TV & watch the new 3-disc "History of the Intercontinental Championship", where you can see the highlights of HBK's 3 title reigns. . .  & while they're @ it, then can enjoy the Game's 5 title reigns. . .  yeah, whatever, so anyway, they could also enjoy "Summerslam: the Complete Anthology", 1998-2002, then can enjoy it all. . .  or 1988-2007, brainiac; well, y'know what the Showstopper remembers most of Summerslam, in 2002, after years of doing nothing but experiencing crippling back surgery, he beat the Cerebral Assassin. . .  well, y'know what the King of Kings remembers, the HeartBreak Kid still had hair then; well, dem's fightin' words, as Shawn & HHH start play-brawling while they continue hyping http://www.WWEShop.com

backstage, Eve Torres bothers ECWWE Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy, who's heard all of the detractors of his brother, Smackdown Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy, all his life ~ he's too much of a risk, he's been through too much, like being attacked by Edge the day before Survivor Series, but now they all have to just shut up & give him his mad props; speaking of the Rated-R Superstar, he claims that the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior was lucky when he won the Heavyweight title, but the former Mattitude Practitioner thinks instead that the Conniving Canuck just doesn't handle embarrassment very well, so let's ask Edge what it's like to lose something that you love & see it in the possession of a Hardy; SMACKDOWN VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL MATCH: Smackdown's Edge beats ECWWE Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy with a 'Spear' Charging Shouldertackle in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: well, I suppose it'd be considered a 2nd-tier title @ best}

Ezekiel Jackson defeats Tag Team co-champion Carlito Caribbean Cool with a 'Big & Bad' Urinagi Bomb {PSYCHOLOGY: was it just me, or was Primo's vest adorned with what looked like an Alliance WCW logo?}

Divas champion Michelle McCool plants herself @ ringside to watch the following #1 CONTENDERHSIP, SMACKDOWN DIVAS TITLE MATCH: Maryse Ouellet pins Maria Kanellis with a 'French Kiss' DDT With Theatrics {PSYCHOLOGY: oh la la!}; after the match, Ouellet gets all up in McCool's grill, taunting her about eventually taking her title away

backstage, Ken Kennedy tries to console Montell Vontavius Porter, who finds it hard to believe that if he keeps his chin up, things will look up for him @ around January. . .  naw, naw, MVP don't play dat, he ain't helping the Green Bay Gregariate plug his new movie "Behind Enemy Lines ~ Colombia" on January 6th, where supposedly if Porter watches this movie, he'll come out of his funk & actually start winning matches; actually no, but thanks for the plug. . .  y'see, that's the kinda buy that Vontavius is, even when he's flat broke, he still takes a minute to help a friend out; oh & by the way, Merry Christmas from Misterrrrrrrrrrr Kennedy. . .  Ken-Ned-Day!

WWE Home Video presents "Edge ~ a Decade of Decadence", a 3-disc DVD set with over 8 hours of the Rated-R Superstar's greatest matches, available this Tuesday @ all major DVD retailers & http://www.WWEShop.com

backstage, Eve Torres bothers the Great Khali, who states that the kiss that WWE Hall of Famer Mae Young planted on him @ Armageddon sent tingles up & down his spine, his extra-large heart's smitten by the passionate pursing of Mae's lips; he's found his true soul mate, but even though he hates picking favourites, he thinks that Young has the most succulent lips in all of WWE. . .  but Eve's a close 2nd, don't worry

MAIN EVENT MATCH: Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy beats Vladimir Kozlov via Disqualification After Edge Interferes in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: huh? . . .  why not defend the title?!}; after the match, while the Rated-R Superstar & the Moscow Mauler double-team the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior, HHH storms the ring, where he mauls Kozlov @ ringside, then the Game extracts Ol' Sledgie, sending Vladimir scampering backstage & leaving the Conniving Canuck open for a 'Swanton' Arching Centon Bomb