Almost every year, for the past decade, World Wrestling Entertainment has supplied the April Playboy covergirl. In 2008, it was Maria Kanellis. . . April 2007, Ashley Masarro. . . 2006 was the year of Candice Michelle Beckman. . . Prior to 2005's 'Mania, Christy Hemme bared all. . . In March of 2004, previous Playmates & WWE Divas Torrie Wilson & Sable partook in a little double-teaming of the Playboy camera, which was a solo endeavour for Wilson in May of 2003 & April 1999 for the current Missus Brock Lesnar. . . Finally, the 9th Wonder of The World, Chyna, appeared twice, in 2000 & 2002.
So far, nothing's been announced for a WWE Diva to doff her knickers & let it all hang out. But let's see if we can get, among other things, teh creative juices flowing, shall we?
Of the Divas currently on the active roster in World Wrestling Entertainment, 2 are former Playmates ~ Candice Michelle & Maria. Now, not that I'm @ all opposed to a repeat performance of these 2 lovely ladies, but I'd prefer to think that some new blood'll step forward & put her breasts a foot forward. I'm now going to run down the most likely candidates.
LAYLA EL: what, you thought I'd start with Kelly Kelly? Well, that's a little too obvious, if you ask me. Sure, she's cute, but we have time yet to wait for her to encourage the web-surfing adolecent males out there to grow many times their normal size. . . especially 1st thing in the morning. . . Btu Layla ~ not that I'm saying her days are numbered, in comparison ~ but I think she'd make a godo candidate & I certainly won't be among the crying parties, upon hearing that she's the April 2009 Playboy Playmate.
MARYSE OUELLETE: the new Smackdown Divas champion's certainly built like a Playmate, eh? She has an insanely-pretty face, a marvelous physique & certainly the attitude that would likely translate very easily onto the printed page.
KATIE LEA BURCHILL: another Limey strumpet who I'd love to see on Page 2 of the Sun. But perhaps I'm jus tbeing a little too lecherous. . .
"GLAMAZON" BETH PHOENIX: now that she no longer has that annoying hunk of gold & leather weighing her down, perhaps she can remove even more restricting portions of her in-ring attire. . . I can just see the Cleopatra-themed photo shoot now!
MELINA PEREZ: . . . & speaking of that annoying hunk of gold & leather, the woman who defeated Pheonix for it @ the Royal Rumble has actually been rather outspoken against the idea of posing for Playboy. But then again, that was when Ashley Masarro was going to do it & the former MNM valet was vehemently ensconced in the Dark Side of Divadom. so, now that the WWE Universe's cheering for her. . .
MICKIE JAMES: my personal favourite to appear in the staticky laminate pages of the world's classiest nudey mag. Seh has a great smile, a heavenly body & an affinity for horses, so she's the total package ~ she can pose with saddles, wearing chaps, carrying a whip. . .
LILAIN GARCIA: would she even do it? I'm not sure she's ever ben asked, or if she'd even consider the possibility.
MICHELLE McCOOL: the premiere Smackdown Divas champion has the look that would draw people to her issue, possibly just to see if the carpet matches the drapes. . . or rather, if she has hardwood flooring.
The rest of the divas ~ Brie & Nikki Bella, Alicia Fox, Tiffany, Eve Torres, Jillian Hall, Natalya Neidhart & yes, even Kelly Kelly, eitehr haven't been in WWE long enough {in my opinion} to make much of a draw for a pre-WrestleMania issue, or just plain not the right attitude to pull it off convincingly. Ever see pictures of beautiful naked ladies on the 'net, where it's obvious that they're "mailing it in"? Nothing's less attractive than a naked woman who's trying to be sexy ~ she shouldn't really have to try, if she's got a nice face & a good body.
This is, naturally, all my personal opinion & anybody of you can feel free to disagree to your heart's content. If you have an alternate idea, you know where to find me every Friday afternoon from 1-3pm, just give CHMR a call {the number's on their website}, or you can email me & pass along your own ideas, or just let me know if you think I'm full of shiite, as usual. Which WWE Diva do you think should next appear in Playboy?
Check out the other versions of my BREAKING KAYFABE monthly article on MySpace {http://www.myspace.com/tnanewf} & Facebook {http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=626883505&ref=name}
*PLEASE NOTE* The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some tag team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.
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R ~ A ~ W
01/26/09 originating on USA Network {in the United States} & simulcast on the Score {in Canada}
commentating by WWE Hall-of-Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole
"Legend Killer" Randy Orton saunters to the ring with fellow Legacy members Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior, where the 3rd-generation Superstar introduces his lawyers & therapist, further going on to state the reasons for what happened last week; WWE's in his blood, it's a part of him, but unfortunately something else's a part of him, something that he's been living with for quite some time ~ IED, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, which affects 16,000,000 Americans, a condition where, when sufficiently provoked, the sufferer reacts with violence; last Monday, WWE Owner Vince McMahon, who threatened his job, gave Orton all the provocation that this convenient medical condition needed; the WWE Universe saw Randy's face when it was all over, he wasn't responsible for the assault on Vinnie-Mac & World Wrestling Entertainment knew of his condition, so if General Manager Stephanie McMahon chooses to fire him tonight over the attack last week, then he has a nice little lawsuit for her. . . but that's not the only legal action that the Legend Killer has in store, as last night he won the 2009 Royal Rumble, proving that he's more superior than everybody in this company, which's why he's suing for breach of contract if he doesn't get what he deserves, namely the main event @ WrestleMania; not only will Nipple H lose Randy, she's gonna lose the 2 members of Pricele$$, as both Rhodes & DiBiase have sworn to leave WWE if Orton's fired, which means that RAW'll be without any Superstars; this all leaves just 1 more piece of business, hereby apologizing for the trauma that befell the McMahonopolizer last week, as the father of a newborn, he understands the anguish that his family must be going through, after witnessing the blatant assault on their patriarch on RAW last Monday night & he hopes they can all put the incident behind them & move forward; again, he's a man of honour & Randy offers his sincerest apologies to the WWE Owner, his family & to the entire WWE Universe
RAW VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL, RAW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: RAW's Cryme Tyme (JTG & Shad Gaspard) versus champions, ECWWE's Altered Reality (John Morrison & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin); Morrison pins Gaspard with a 'Moonlight Driver' Cartwheeling Neckbreaker {PSYCHOLOGY: fo'snizzle, my nizzles!}
a video package plays, hyping the return of the Elimination Chamber, in which the RAW & Smackdown Heavyweight titles will be defended, @ No Way Out, live on pay-per-view Sunday, February 15th; John Brad$haw Layfield smarms out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, who declares that he'll be entered into the Elimination Chamber match, after his employee, 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, defeats his qualifying opponent tonight, Heavyweight champion John Cena, but 1st we have the following NO WAY OUT, RAW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE "ELIMINATION CHAMBER" QUALIFYING MATCH: Kofi Kingston beats Kane with a Roll-Up {PSYCHOLOGY: well, there's the 1st wrestler eliminated- err, I mean, the 1st entrant into the Heavyweight title Elimination Chamber match @ No Way Out!}
WWE Home Video presents "Starrcade ~ The Essential Collection", "Survivor Series 2008", "Edge ~ a Decade of Decadence" & "Ultimate Wrestling Collection", available @ ZEUS & CD Plus, as well as http://www.cdplus.com
Chris Jericho Ayatollah of Rock & Rollahs onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where he states that everybody on the RAW~ster can't stop babbling about the new movie "The Wrestler", starring Academy-Award-nominated actor Mickey Rourke, then cues up a video package advertizing the formerly-hated-by-Vince-McMahon flick & 1 of the people who gave the movie a glowing review's 2008 WWE Hall of Famer "Nature Boy" Ric Flair, who, even though he's not in the spotlight anymore, he has to do what he can to stay relevance, so apparently he & Rourke are good buddies now. . . which's gonna come back to haunt Mickey, who apparently got bad advice from Slick Ric, as the star of "The Wrestler" stated last night on the red carpet that Y2J should get in shape, since he's gonna be @ WrestleMania 25, to which the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions responds that he's gonna say this very slowly, Mickey's out of line, as it's 1 thing to play a wrestler in a movie, but an entirely different kettle of fish to be 1; the last thing that either Rourke or Flair should want to do's offend Chris Jericho
backstage, 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels tells John Brad$haw Layfield that he did everything he could last night @ the Royal Rumble, because he really wants out of JBL's contract ~ he duped Heavyweight champion John Cena as best he could, then gave him a 'Sweet Chin Music' Superkick, then HBK went & got a 2nd referee, he did everything humanly possible to help Brad$haw; well, Layfield disagrees, he'd fire Shawn right now, but there's still business to be done, he still has to get to WrestleMania as the Heavyweight champion, so John needs the Showstopper 1 more time to go out there & defeat the Chain Gang Commander in the Elimination Chamber Qualifying match, so Layfield can move on to No Way Out & defeat the Doctor of Thuganomics for his Heavyweight title, this is the last chance for Michaels; NO WAY OUT, RAW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE "ELIMINATION CHAMBER" QUALIFYING MATCH: Heavyweight champion John Cena defeats the HeartBreak Kid with an 'FU' Fireman's Slam in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: well, since the Chain Gang Commander's already in the match & it wasn't even for the guy in the match itself, it was really a weird 1-sided qualifying match, but it certainly didn't make it any less thugnificent!}; after the match, Brad$haw enters the ring & stands over his fallen employee, disappointed
in the General Manager's office, ECWWE's Todd Grisham bothers Stephanie McMahon, who promises action tonight, to "Legend Killer" Randy Orton's face
Santino Marella joins Lawler & Cole @ ringside for special guest commentary for the following RAW DIVAS TAG TEAM MATCH: Surprisingly Flexible (Women's champion Melina Perez & Kelly Kelly) versus Phoenix-Hall ("Glamazon" Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall); Beth pins K² with a '' Elevated Wheelbarrow Faceplant {PSYCHOLOGY: after some well-timed interference from Rosa Mendez}
WRESTLEMANIA 25th ANNIVERSARY MOMENT: April 3rd, 2005, where they used those incredibly-produced Hollywood-esque vignettes to hype WrestleMania 21; John Cena beat Smackdown Heavyweight champion John Brad$haw Layfield. . . Dave "The Animal" Batista defeated RAW Heavyweight champion HHH. . . & the debut of the "Money in The Bank" #1 Contendership Ladder match, as won by Edge
NO WAY OUT, RAW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE "ELIMINATION CHAMBER" QUALIFYING MATCH: Rey Mysterio Junior beats William Regal with an 'El Colibri' Springboard Splash {PSYCHOLOGY: & the 3rd entrant, who's likely gonna be the 2nd eliminated from the Elimination Chamber match!}
backstage, Santino Marella consoles Rosa Mendez, who hopes that "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix can forgive her for interfering in that Divas Tag Team match earlier tonight, but it was so unfair how she lost that Women's title @ the Royal Rumble, she had to do something. . . for women everywhere; all of a sudden, Phoenix steps up behind her #1 admirer, who decides that they can keep Mendez after all
a video package plays, showing the world premiere of the trailer for "12 Rounds", the new movie starring Heavyweight champion John Cena, in which he plays a Louisiana cop who girlfriend's kidnapped & he has to perform 12 tasks around New Orleans, or said girlfriend's as dead as "The Marine" @ the box office
MAIN EVENT, NO WAY OUT, RAW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE "ELIMINATION CHAMBER" QUALIFYING MATCH: Chris Jericho defeats Intercontinental champion CM Punk with a 'Codebreaker' Cradling Falling Double-Kneestrike in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: well. . . !}
the WrestleMania 25 theme song's "Light It Up" by Rev Theory, available now; General Manager Stephanie McMahon saunters to the ring, where she states that she's not out here to cave to the pressure of 2 perspective lawsuits against her, as "Legend Killer" Randy Orton's still gonna have to pay for punting her father, WWE Owner Vince McMahon, in the head last week on RAW, she's not gonna look past his actions just because he read off some ½-arsed apology off a sheet of paper, so why doesn't he come on down to the ring to find out what Nipple H thinks; what a splendid idea, as the 3rd-Generation WWE Superstar smarms to the ring & declares that, before she says anything, she has to think about whether or not she wants to do this, she's about to subject herself to a nightmare ~ the star power on the RAW~ster will be crippled without Legacy; in steps 1 of Randy's lawyers, who states that IED's a very real condition & with WWE ignoring it is tantamount to negligence, so when she tried to humiliate Orton last week, it actually caused his actions as a natural response, so if she plans on firing Randy, there's going to be some very real legal repercussions; well, apparently the lawyer hasn't been watching WWE, because Stepho-Mac doesn't intimidate that easily. . . the Legend Killer kicked her father in the head last week & has the unmitigated gall to come here this week with his lawyers & therapist to threaten to sue her; actually, it's no threat, as he has every intention of suing WWE & Nipple H if she fires him, filing an injunction that makes sure there'll be no WrestleMania, he'll shut down WWE; the entire RAW~ster amble their way out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, inspiring Randy's ire, as he doesn't care if they have a WrestleMania, he's perfectly willing to take each & every 1 of them down with him. . . well, maybe that's exactly what he'll do, as he begs Stephanie to fire him, so he can sue World Wrestling Entertainment for all it's worth, let him hear the words that her father was about to say, before he punted Vinnie-Mac in the skull; naw, firing him would be too easy, as Nipple H & her brother, WWE Executive vice President & WCW Owner Shane McMahon, have bigger plans; Shano-Mac ching-ching-bling-blings to the ring, as Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior give him the stink eye, then the WWE Heir-Apparent assaults the Legend Killer, but quickly falls victim to the numbers game, even though he does a fair job of holding his own. . . that is, until Legacy makes the mistake of fighting up the ring entrance ramp, where, if you'll remember, the entire RAW~ster's awaiting the smarmy trio
01/27/09 originating on the Sci-Fi Network {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night
2008 Slammy-Award-Winning commentating by Matt Striker & Todd Grisham
General Manager Theodore R. Long MacMilitants to the ring, where he holla-hollas about having just come off the Royal Rumble this past Sunday, but due to his actions in the outcome of the Smackdown Heavyweight championship match, Matt Hardy has requested to be transferred to Friday nights, which's alright with Long; but on to tonight's action, as the Boogeyman's in action tonight; Heavyweight champion "All-American American" Jack Swagger saunters to the ring, where he smarms about being the new face of Teddy's franchise, which should be celebrated. . . what a great idea, let's have an official celebration for the All-American American tonight; the Boogeyman shimmies out from under the ring, scaring off Swagger; before the following match, Ricky Ortiz tells the worm-chower that he doesn't have to munch fish bait, he just need a rally towel; well, dem's chasing-outta-the-ring words, as Boogey scares off Ortiz as well, making the match apparently not happen. . . ; afterwards, in the General Manager's office, Theodore R. Long's talking on his phone, evidently about "The Wrestler" to somebody, as the Heavyweight champions walks in, declaring that somebody's gone & swiped his belt, he set it down for 5 seconds & now it's gone, he can't have a championship celebration without a championship; well, too bad Teddy's got a show to run, or else he'd give a ****. . . but maybe his assistant Tiffany can help him, if Swagger can find her
a video package plays, hyping the return of the Elimination Chamber, in which the RAW & Smackdown Heavyweight titles will be defended, @ No Way Out, live on pay-per-view Sunday, February 15th
WRESTLEMANIA 25th ANNIVERSARY MOMENT: March 1st, 1985, where the World Wrestling Federation was thrust into the mainstream with WrestleMania; emanating from the world-famous Madison Square Garden, 25,000 WWF Fans made wrestling history, as Hulk Hogan & Mister T took on "Mister Wonderful" Paul Orndorff & "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in the main event
Fit Finlay pins Paul Burchill with a 'Celtic Cross' Cradling Reverse Piledriver {PSYCHOLOGY: & kudos to Grisham & Striker, feeding some extra history about the feud between the Irish & the British, as well!}
in the General Manager's office, Tiffany understands that Ricky Ortiz was just trying to rally the fans earlier tonight, but in walks Heavyweight champion "All-American American" Jack Swagger, who claims Tiffany to assist him in finding his lost belt
a video package plays, advertizing the upcoming "Voices: WWE the Music Volume 9", 13 unreleased tracks that are the voice of the passion of WWE Superstars, available now
backstage, Assistant General Manager Tiffany & Heavyweight champion "All-American American" Jack Swagger are still trying to track down the lost belt; unfortunately, the 1st person they encounter's "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry, who can't believe that Swagger's accusing him of taking the belt, but presupposes that there's nothing he could do to get it back from the former Sexual Chocolate, had he in fact taken it
a video package plays, showing the trailer for "12 Rounds", the new movie starring RAW Heavyweight champion John Cena, in which he plays a Louisiana cop who girlfriend's kidnapped & he has to perform 12 tasks around New Orleans, or said girlfriend's as dead as "The Marine" @ the box office
DID YOU KNOW. . . last Tuesday, more viewers watched ECWWE than any other program on MTV, VH-1, ABC Family, History Channel or Adult Swim on Cartoon Network! . . . ; betcha WWE Hall of Famer "Mister USA" Tony Atlas knew that, as he accompanies "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry to the ring, where he's ready to take part in the following MAIN EVENT MATCH: Henry beats "Innovator of Extreme" Tommy Dreamer with a 'World's Strongest Slam' Fallforward Slam {PSYCHOLOGY: squish!}
WRESTLEMANIA 25. . . 68 DAYS AWAY. . .
back in the General Manager's office, Theodore R. Long can't believe that Assistant GM Tiffany & Heavyweight champion "All-American American" Jack Swagger never managed to find the lost title, since they seem to have asked everybody & looked everywhere, so there's only 1 thing to do & that's go to the ring & try to settle what happened; he feels a bit more like a 3rd grade teacher than a GM, so Long calls for whoever took the championship, to bring it back & if they don't return it now, there's gonna be disciplinary actions; Fit Finlay saunters down to the ring, where he states that he maybe knows who might have the belt, then hauls up the ring apron to retrieve his son Hornswaggle, who indeed does have the title across his tiny shoulder; after a little cajoling, Finlay manages to convince Horny to return it; the only thing worse than Fit's claims to being able to beat Swagger for his belt, are his parenting techniques; well, dem's shillaleigh-upside-the-noggin words, as the All-American American gets a grillful of hardened Irish wood after shoving the pseudo-leprechaun to the mat
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S ~ M ~ A ~ C ~ K ~ D ~ O ~ W ~ N
01/30/09 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}
commentating by Tazz & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross
newly-Smackdowned Matt Hardy saunters to the ring, steel chair in hand, where he proclaims that finally, he doesn't have to share the spotlight with his brother, tonight's his night & his time, for all the WWE Universers who are waiting for Jeff Hardy to emerge, they're gonna be sorely disappointed, because he's convalescing @ home; all his life, Matt's been Jeff's brother, he's taken care of his younger sibling both personally & professionally, so it's rather ironic that, after becoming Heavyweight champion, that all these accidents started happening to the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior, but for those who've had the audacity to blame the former Mattitude Practitioner for those same accidents, well, that's just preposterous; nobody can prove he was the guy who attacked Jeff in the stairwell before the Survivor Series. . . nobody can prove that Matt was the person in charge of that faulty pyro or when his brother & fiancé were run off the road. . . but he knows what the WWE Universe can prove, it wasn't an accident what he did to his own brother @ the Royal Rumble; with 1 shot from this chair that he's sitting on right now, all the pain & suffering that Jeff's been dolling out to Matt for all these years, all transferred back to the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior & that felt incredibly good; nobody has any idea how much of a burden it's been to raise his ingrate brother all these years, nobody knows how many nights he's had to answer his phone late @ night & cover for his flake of a brother; no more & without Matt in Jeff's life as a guiding light, he won't even be able to survive, but the former Mattitude Practitioner's going to thrive & if his survival means that Jeff has to get destroyed, then so be it; but the WWE Universe shares a measure of blame in Matt's decisions as well, since he's tried to get each every 1 of the fans to like him, signed every bit of paper & posed for every ridiculous picture, but it was never good enough, Matt's been a role model for kids & adults alike, but all the WWE Universe cared about was the screw-up, self-abusive Jeff, so from now on, the only person he cares about is Matt Hardy; he has 1 thing to say to Jeff, he knows that his brother's @ home watching this, there's no such thing anymore as the Hardy Boyz. . . he no longer considers the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior his partner or brother
WWE Home Video presents "Starrcade ~ The Essential Collection", "Survivor Series 2008", "Edge ~ a Decade of Decadence" & "Ultimate Wrestling Collection", available @ all major DVD retailers & http://www.WWEShop.com; log onto http://www.hmv.com for your chance to win a trip to WrestleMania 25
"R-Truth" Ron Killings defeats The Brian Kendrick with a 'Painful Truth' Scissor Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: thanks in large part, due to Ezekiel Jackson being ejected from ringside @ the beginning of the match}
WRESTLEMANIA 25th ANNIVERSARY MOMENT: March 1st, 1985, where the World Wrestling Federation was thrust into the mainstream with WrestleMania; emanating from the world-famous Madison Square Garden, 25,000 WWF Fans made wrestling history, as Hulk Hogan & Mister T took on "Mister Wonderful" Paul Orndorff & "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in the main event
SMACKDOWN VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL MATCH: Smackdown's Montell Vontavius Porter pins ECWWE's Chavo Guerrero Junior with a 'Drive By' Running Bicycle Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: smooth like butter, because he's on a roll!}; after the match, Tazz comes into the ring to bother MVP, who states that once again big things are poppin', because the cornroll-wearin', savoir-fairin', jaw-droppin', bottle-poppin' modern-day mack's back & he wants his United States title back again, after that he'll once more be ballin'
a video package plays, hyping tonight's return of Umaga
another video package plays, this 1 hyping the return of the Elimination Chamber, in which the RAW & Smackdown Heavyweight titles will be defended, @ No Way Out, live on pay-per-view Sunday, February 15th
DID YOU KNOW. . . almost 3 times as many viewers watched Smackdown last week, than the Winter X Games on ESPN! . . . ; betcha Umaga knew that, as he angers to the ring for his return match, in which he beats Jimmy Wang Yang with a 'Jungle Hate Ow-Ee-Ow-Ee-Ow' Samoan Spike {PSYCHOLOGY: squish!}
WWE Home Video presents "Edge ~ a Decade of Decadence", a 3-disc DVD set with over 8 hours of the Rated-R Superstar's greatest matches, available now @ all major DVD retailers & http://www.WWEShop.com
WRESTLEMANIA 25. . . 65 DAYS AWAY. . .
a video package plays, showing Vladimir Kozlov's rather unorthodox training regimen {which evidently consists of kicking & headbutting punching bags} & how he's still waiting for better competition in "Dub-Dub-E"
SMACKDOWN VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL, NO WAY OUT, SMACKDOWN HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE "ELIMINATION CHAMBER" QUALIFYING MATCH: Smackdown's UnderTaker makes ECWWE's "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry Submit with a 'Hell's Gate' Figure 4 Chokehold {PSYCHOLOGY: is this his 1st Elimination Chamber match he's going to be in?}
a video package plays, advertizing the upcoming "Voices: WWE the Music Volume 9", 13 unreleased tracks that are the voice of the passion of WWE Superstars, available now
General Manager Vickie Guerrero stands in the ring, where she introduces her husband, her soul mate & the new Heavyweight champion, Edge, who Alterbridges to the ring & states that he has to be honest, he usually doesn't acknowledge the WWE Universe @ all ~ any requests for autographs or even a simple conversation, he typically completely ignores. . . but tonight he wants to change all that, the Rated-R Superstar wants to open up a dialogue with the hypocrites who all thought he was heartless enough to not only attack then-Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy in the stairwell of his hotel on the night before the Survivor Series, to not only attempt to run down the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior & his fiancé with a car, or to sabotage Hardy's pyro last week. . . week after week, the Conniving Canuck came out here & pled his innocence & week after week, the WWE Universe accused him of lying, often times right in front of his dear, sweet wife; many fans even came up to him & told him point-blank that there was no way that he'd walk out of the Royal Rumble with the Heavyweight title, but the new champion exclaims that each & every 1 of the WWE Universers were dead wrong & because of that, he wants to open up the lines of communications with them, Edge wants them to be able to tell their friends, family, teachers & even their pet hamsters that they talked with their Heavyweight champion; the Rated-R Superstar wants everybody to stand up & say that they're wrong & they're sorry; he celebrated his 7th Heavyweight title win yesterday by watching his new DVD "Edge ~ a Decade of Decadence" & it put him in mind of breaking out a new pose, for benefit of those with flash photography ~ namely, macking on Mamacita Heat while holding his most-coveted unspinnering spinny belt aloft; the Big Show angers to the ring, where he embraces the General Manager in celebration, then examines the Conniving Canuck's "pretty" belt with an arrogant smirk, in anticipation for his NO WAY OUT, SMACKDOWN HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE "ELIMINATION CHAMBER" QUALIFYING MATCH: TBS defeats Festus Dalton with a 'Knockout' Straight Punch {PSYCHOLOGY: naturally, though it would've been cool to see Festus in the Elimination Chamber, I think!}; after the match, the former WCW Giant sends Jesse to Dreamland as well
WRESTLEMANIA 25th ANNIVERSARY MOMENT: April 3rd, 2005, where they used those incredibly-produced Hollywood-esque vignettes to hype WrestleMania 21; John Cena beat Smackdown Heavyweight champion John Brad$haw Layfield. . . Dave "The Animal" Batista defeated RAW Heavyweight champion HHH. . . & the debut of the "Money in The Bank" #1 Contendership Ladder match, as won by Edge
DID YOU KNOW. . . last Friday, more men watched Smackdown than any other show on television! . . . ; betcha RAW Heavyweight champion John Cena knew that, as a video package plays, showing the trailer for "12 Rounds", the new movie starring the Doctor of Thuganomics, in which he plays a Louisiana cop who girlfriend's kidnapped & he has to perform 12 tasks around New Orleans, or said girlfriend's as dead as "The Marine" @ the box office
backstage, Eve Torres bothers Michelle McCool, who states that the backstage interviewer got exactly what she deserved a few weeks ago, for provoking the inaugural Divas champion, but apparently Torres disagreed, as she lays some palm across McCool's grill
MAIN EVENT, NO WAY OUT, TRIPLE THREAT, SMACKDOWN HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE "ELIMINATION CHAMBER" QUALIFYING MATCH: HHH versus Vladimir Kozlov versus the Great Khali; the Game pins the Punjabi Playboy with a 'Pedigree' Double Underhook Faceplant {PSYCHOLOGY: after an assist from the Moscow Mauler delivering a 'Glasnost Nyet' Charging Headbutt to The Chest}
"IMPROVING WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT: Tweaking a Winning Formula" by FanBoy Mark Jabroni ~ January 2009
Some people may look @ the fact that, having outlasted both both its closest competitors ~ World Championship Wrestling & Extreme Championship Wrestling, both having been purchased by WWE ~ that Vince McMahon doesn't need any help. I, however, never let a perceived lack of need stand in the way of the creative process. So here goes anyway. . .
3 BRANDS WITH 3 HEAVYWEIGHT BELTS: seems a bit redundant, if you ask me. So I recommend bringing back the Undisputed title, or just reunifying the Heavyweight titles in a big 3-way match for RAW, ECWWE & Smackdown. Another possibility would be to "rechristen" 2 of them as more historic past titles. An example. . . the likes of Rob Van Dam, Jerry Lynn, Yoshihiro Tajiri & Rhino, in the latter years of the original ECW, really did an awesome job of elevating the Television title, so why not rename the ECWWE Heavyweight title, the Television title & take advantage of the rich history of that comparatively-young title. It would be defended on all 3 brands & WWE pay-per-views, just like the ECW & WCW Television belts. Hell, they can do something really cool & bring back the 2nd-last incarnation of the TV title, the 1 based on the old WWF "Winged Eagle" belt {as held by such greats as Bret "HitMan" Hart, "Macho Man" Randy Savage & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels} Once the Heavyweight titles get unified, then I propose that the RAW Intercontinental title & the Smackdown United States title should be the "big belts" for their respective brands.
2 DIFFERENT TAG TEAM DIVISIONS: I'm not sure how many WWE Universe residents are fans of Tag Team wrestling, but I for 1 count myself as somebody who appreciates the finer nuances of a successful Tag Team. Too bad WWE's too busy throwing mongrel teams together for 1-shot matches, or to further an angle {that latter I don't specifically disapprove of, but the former's a bit off-putting} So why not put all the Tag Teams on 1 show? I'd recommend Smackdown, as it reminds me of the old WCW, which had some awesome Tag Teams in its heyday ~ the Road Warriors, any 2 members of the original 4 Horsemen, the Steiner Brothers, the OutSiders & Harlem Heat, to name but a few. Maybe, concentrating the Tag Team division on 1 show, will improve the overall quality of the matches. It'd be up to WWE, if they want to defend the Tag Team titles over all 3 brands, or just concentrate on Smackdown.
2 DIFFERENT WOMEN's DIVISIONS: same as for the Tag Team division, but with decidedly more estrogen. Well, noticable more estrogen, anyway. . . Perhaps ECWWE can be made into a women-only sub-promotion of WWE, since it's only an hour show anyway. But I don't think we need 2 Women's belts, especially 1 which looks like a butterfly. . .
ECWWE: speaking of which, what's the deal here? It's only ECW in name, it's long since moved as far away from Extreme Championship Wrestling, that it should be renamed Eastern Championship Wrestling again, for as Extreme as it is nowadays. Sure, it has the occasional "Extreme Rules" match, but so does RAW & Smackdown ~ as a matter of fact, the most-recent bout with similar stipulations, saw CM Punk defeat William Regal for RAW's Intercontinental title in a No Disqualification match. They should either officially recognize that they're using the "promotion" to develop new talent, before moving them to either RAW or Smackdown. . . or doing as I suggested in the previous paragraphs & make it a title-specific show.
BRING BACK The CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE: I mean seriously, can anybody think of any other division in either WCW or WWE that regularly produced more entertaining matches, across the board, than the Cruiserweight division? I mean, when World Championship Wrestling was still putting off pay-per-views, I knew it'd be an awesome show when I heard that the opening match was for the Cruiserweight title! Just because they ended up giving it to a midget who lives under the ring, doesn't mean that we should forget such great performers as Rey Mysterio Junior, Billy Kidman, Juventud Guerrera, Billy Kidman, Hurricane Helms, Ultimo Dragon & Eddie Guerrero
MORE WRESTLERS WHO "LOOK" LIKE WRESTLERS: don't know what I mean? Okay, here we go. . . a while back {or "back in the day" as those kooky kids are so apt to say!} wrestlers looked like wrestlers ~ guys with impressive physiques who looked like they could break me in ½ {"Macho Man" Randy Savage, Scott Steiner, "Mister USA" Tony Atlas, Jim Powers, Ron Simmons, Paul Roma, "Mister Wonderful" Paul Orndorff, the Warlord, Hercules, Hardcore Bob & "Gladiator" Mike Awesome, to name a few}, men with just thick "iron-workers" bodies who looked like they could break me in ½ {Hacksaw Jim Duggan, "Rugged" Ronnie Garvin, Mankind/Cactus Jack/Dude Love, Greg "The Hammer" Valentine, "Nature Boy" Ric Flair, Big Van Vader, Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, Hulk Hogan, Rick Steiner, the original Gorgeous George, Lou Thesz, Taz & Haku/Meng are among these bad-boys}, or lithe, sleek & lightweight wrestlers who looked like they could break me in ½ {1~2~3 Kid/Syxx/X~Pac, Marty Jannety, Justin Credible, Lance Storm, Evan Karagias, Shannon Moore, Crash Holly, Little Guido/Nunzio, Jerry Lynn, Jushin "Thunder" Liger, Rob Van Dam, Super Crazy & Jimmy Wang Yang, all waiting to do the flippy-dippy-doo thang!} Nowadays, there are less wrestlers who look like wrestlers, but the Superstars who do look like wrestlers, really look like wrestlers ~ either because their contemporaries don't look like proper pugilists, or because they just put more effort into their bodies ~ @ Present, John Cena, "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, CM Punk, Ted DiBiase Junior, Vladimir Kozlov, Kofi Kingston, "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry, Umaga & Edge are all wrestlers who "look" like wrestlers. Whether any or all of these men acquire this look through "artificial" means, well, that's up to them, I suppose. They shouldn't have to do so, but some people aren't genetically predisposed for bodybuilding, while some are. If WWE wants to suspend Jeff Hardy for tokin' up, Randy Orton for getting mad on an overseas flight, or "Innovator of Extreme" Tommy Dreamer for being caught with his fist up the caboose of an aardvark, then that's likewise their prerogative.
REGULAR WWE DRAFTS: it just shakes things up nicely, putting Superstars against new opponents, or reuniting past feuds that really tore the house down. I'm not saying every year, on the RAW following WrestleMania, that they have a Draft, but maybe every 2-3 years would be sufficient. For long-time fans like myself {I started watching the World Wrestling Federation in 1989, with WCW & AWA following shortly after} making things seem fresh & new gets harder & harder every year, so the Draft appears @ least to me, would be the best & easiest way to stir the pot.
The NEXT ATTITUDE ERA: I sense that, much like what StoneCold Steve Austin did for the Attitude Era, the new Mickey Rourke movie "The Wrestler" is going to either bring in a slew of new fans, or bring back past fans who'd stopped watching some years ago. So if possible, they should keep their eyes open for somebody with "that certain something" ~ that intangible "It" factor that's hard to define. If they could isolate what it was that wrestlers like the Texas Rattlesnake, the Rock & Bill Goldberg were doing "back in the day", then they can really capitalize on the expected onrush of new fans & electrify them.
So, to recap. . .
¤ WWE should revamp the brands, so that the various divisions are on their own shows ~ Women's & Tag Team matches, specifically
¤ RAW, ECWWE & Smackdown should have more brand-specific titles, such as. . . ~ RAW Intercontinental title ~ Smackdown Tag Team titles ~ ECWWE Women's title ~ Smackdown Cruiserweight title ~ RAW Television title ~ Smackdown United States title
¤ more wrestlers who "look" like wrestlers ~ bring back guys like Dick Murdock, "Masterpiece" Chris Masters & Lance Cade!
¤ more WWE Drafts ~ just to keep things interesting for long-term fans
¤ be on the look-out for the next StoneCold Steve Austin or the Rock ~ hey, I'd pick the next Gillberg @ this point!
This is, naturally, all my personal opinion & anybody of you can feel free to disagree to your heart's content. If you have an alternate idea, you know where to find me every Friday afternoon from 1-3pm, just give CHMR a call {the number's on their website}, or you can email me & pass along your own ideas, or just let me know if you think I'm full of shiite, as usual. What do you think would be an improvement for WWE?
Check out the other versions of my BREAKING KAYFABE monthly article on my MySpace & Facebook pages
*PLEASE NOTE* The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some tag team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.
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R ~ A ~ W
01/12/09 originating on USA Network {in the United States} & simulcast on the Score {in Canada}
commentating by WWE Hall-of-Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole
in the parking lot, John Brad$haw Layfield's limousine pulls in, where he tells his employee, 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, that he's taking on Heavyweight champion John Cena tonight, JBL's opponent @ the Royal Rumble & even though HBK would've wanted to be in the Rumble match, he's working for Layfield & fighting for a paycheque, now that he's in such a financial cafuffle; with Brad$haw in Shawn's corner tonight, Michaels can consider this his WrestleMania; in the arena, General Manager Stephanie McMahon milfs to the ring, where she states that in 2 weeks, the Road to WrestleMania starts @ the Royal Rumble, with the winner of the Rumble match going on to 'Mania to face the Heavyweight champion of their choice; they're all looking forward to the Royal Rumble, but the WWE Universe's looking forward to the return of WWE Owner Vince McMahon even more, next week; Chris Jericho Ayatollah of Rock & Rollahs to the ring, where he declares Nipple H a liar, she's no worse that the hypocrites sitting in the arena right now, she can wait, she's scared to death of the return of Vinnie-Mac, but Y2J can't wait for the McMahonopolizer to come back & take over, he's gonna listen to Jericho's formal protest, he's going to give the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions what he wants, to take Layfield out of the Heavyweight championship match @ the Royal Rumble & to put Jericho in; Vince appreciates the value of the 2008 Superstar of the Year, he won't allow such a high-calibre of performer to go to waste, like Stepho-Mac's been doing; well, the General Manager has news for the King of My World, the WWE Owner supports his daughter's leadership decisions, which Chris laughs @, stating that he must've been high or something, if Vince supported the appointment of Mike Adamle as GM, but it ended up working to Stephanie's advantage, since the former American Gladiators & ECWWE commentator set the bar so low, that it made Stepho-Mac look like a ½-way competent leader figure; 1st, Adamle was the decision of "WCW Owner" Shane McMahon & 2nd, if Jericho concentrated on his career as much as he did on Stephanie's leadership, maybe he'd still be Heavyweight champion {ouch!}; if she were Y2J, she'd worry about willing the Royal Rumble & getting himself back in contention for the title, so he should go get ready for his match later tonight; the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah reminds Nipple H that he's refusing to wrestle another match unless the Heavyweight title's on the line, he's above anything else, which prompts the General Manager to declare that he's not bigger than anybody in this arena; well, dem's shut-the-hell-up words, as Jericho decides he's not gonna continue to talk to somebody as delusional as Stephanie, the Real McMahon's on his way back & next week @ this time nothing that she says will be worth a damn; well, that's next week, this week she's still in charge, so she declares that if he doesn't smarten up, he's gonna lose the right to talk to her father next week, to compete in the Rumble & to compete for the Heavyweight title ever again; since he's still not impressed, Y2J leaves Nipple H no further choice but to break my heart & fire him
RAW VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL MATCH: RAW's Rey Mysterio Junior pins RAW Tag Team co-champion ECWWE's Mike "The Miz" Mizanin with an 'El Colibri' Springboard Splash {PSYCHOLOGY: nice match, wonder what impact it'll have, if any, on the upcoming Royal Rumble?}; after the match, Mike Knox attacks Rey-Rey again, but the former Smackdown Heavyweight champion gets 1 over on his much-larger antagonist
backstage, Candice Michelle Beckman expresses her disbelief @ the prospect of WWE Owner Vince McMahon coming back to RAW next week, but CM Punk's not even listening, as he's getting hyped for the following RAW INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE-CHANGE-ON-A-DISQUALIFICATION MATCH: champion William Regal beats Punk via Disqualification After the Referee Interprets a Punch as a Low Blow {PSYCHOLOGY: whaaaaaat?!?!?!}
WWE Home Video presents "Starrcade ~ The Essential Collection", "Survivor Series 2008", "Edge ~ a Decade of Decadence" & "Ultimate Wrestling Collection", available @ all major DVD retailers & http://www.WWEShop.com; log onto http://www.hmv.com for your chance to win a trip to WrestleMania 25
backstage, Mickie James tries to engage Cody Rhodes about the blizzard raging outside, but he can't even understand why they're in Iowa @ all; Sim Snuka & his burly man-friend Manu saunter by, the former stating that what Cody did last week was pretty slick, he goes & joins "Legend Killer" Randy Orton without them, what's up with that; hey, guys, he only did what was best for his own career, they'd've done the exact same thing, in his position; well, all Manu knows is, either Cody's with them, or against them, because they're going after Orton tonight & while Rhodes' thinking about that, he should know that the Samoans have some back-up, somebody who feels the same way that they do & to boot, they're also 2nd generation
DID YOU KNOW. . . last week, RAW was again the #1 show on cable last week, continuing its reign as the longest-running weekly episodic show in television history! . . . ; betcha Intercontinental champion William Regal & Layla El knew that, as ECWWE's Todd Grisham bothers them about tonight's title win, he's glad the title defense's over & he's very satisfied about the outcome; well, General Manager Stephanie McMahon isn't satisfied, because last week Regal was disqualified & this week, CM Punk was disqualified, so next week, it'll be the 3rd & final match in the series, a No Disqualification contest
a video package plays, hyping the induction of StoneCold Steve Austin into the WWE Hall of Fame on April 4th in Houston, Texas, using the tune of Living Color's "Cult of Personality" as its backdrop; tickets available @ http://www.toyotacentertix.com or 1 (866) 4HOUTIX & area Randalls locations
backstage, 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels gets ready for his match with Heavyweight champion John Cena, when John Brad$haw Layfield steps in & states that, even though General Manager Stephanie McMahon fired Chris Jericho earlier tonight, she can't fire the Showstopper, so he's all set to go destroy the Chain Gang Commander tonight; well, just for the record, HBK doesn't need JBL's help, if this is his WrestleMania then he's gonna mow through the Doctor of Thuganomics
"Legend Killer" Randy Orton defeats Kane with a Roll-Up {PSYCHOLOGY: after delivering a side kick counter to the Bald Red Machine's top-rope missile dropkick}; after the match, the BalderTaker argues the fact that his shoulder was up, then Sim Snuka & Manu saunter out onto the ring entrance ramp stage to ask Cody Rhodes if he was with them or against them, so here's their backup, Ted DiBiase Junior, then all 3 2nd-generation wrestlers amble down to the ring & surround the ring, forcing Cody's hand in his decision of allegiance. . . when suddenly & all-too-expectedly, DiBiase joins his former Tag Team partner & his new leader to beat down Snuka & his burly man-friend; Cody ends up dropping the former Deuce Shane with a 'Pay Window' Neckbreaking Reverse DDT, then DiBiase nails Manu with a 'Money For Nothing' Cobra Clutching Side Russian Legsweep
backstage, ECWWE's Todd Grisham bothers Heavyweight champion John Cena, who still marvels @ the fact that he snuck into the Royal Rumble last year & won it, so he knows all about the Road to WrestleMania, where anything can happen & this year, anything has happened, because this year he has to defend his title against John Brad$haw Layfield; say what you want about JBL, but he's a former Smackdown Heavyweight champion, the man singularly responsible for some of the most brutal matches in Cena's career & as if he needed another ace up his sleeve, Layfield's bought himself the best in 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, who now stands firmly in the corner of Team JBL; he faces the Showstopper tonight, but there was something that John forgot & that's Mister WrestleMania, but since he's not entered into the Royal Rumble match, Shawn has no chance to move onto 'Mania & vie for a Heavyweight champion, but tonight Cena's taking on Michaels in his WrestleMania. . . well, so be it
RAW DIVAS TAG TEAM MATCH: Phoenix-Hall (Women's champion "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall) versus New Hotness (Kelly Kelly & Melina Perez) Doesn't Even Start, After Rosa Mendes Assaults Perez While Disguised as a Paparazzi, then Phoenix & Hall Beat Down Both of Their Opponents {PSYCHOLOGY: seeya @ the Royal Rumble!}; what a coincidence, a video package plays, hyping the Royal Rumble, live on pay-per-view January 25th; the official theme's "Let It Rock" by Kevin Rudolf, available now; the ROYAL RUMBLE CARD SO FAR: the 30-Man Royal Rumble match, with Superstars from RAW, ECWWE & Smackdown. . . RAW Women's champion "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix versus Melina Perez. . . Smackdown Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy versus Edge. . . RAW Heavyweight champion John Cena versus John Brad$haw Layfield; backstage, "Legend" Killer" Randy Orton's glad that Ted DiBiase Junior was able to put his personal feelings aside & do what was best for him, after all, Randy was only trying to knock some sense into DiBiase; since all 3 men are competing in the Royal Rumble match, they're gonna stick together, but like the Highlander, there can be only 1; speaking of the Rumble, Jamie Knoble, Dolph Ziggler, Goldust & Cryme Tyme are standing outside the General Manager's office, awaiting the confirmation of their entry into the match; Santino Marella triumphantly emerges from the office, proudly proclaiming that he's in & he'll see them @ the Rumble. . . well, some of them, anyway, later home-jeezies
MAIN EVENT MATCH: 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels pins Heavyweight champion John Cena with a 'Sweet Chin Music' Superkick in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: only 4 matches in 2 hours ~ well, technically 5, I suppose, but that Divas Tag Team match didn't even start!}; after the match, John Brad$haw Layfield enters the ring & stands over the Doctor of Thuganomics, triumphant over his Royal Rumble foe
01/13/09 originating on the Sci-Fi Network {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night
2008 Slammy-Award-Winning commentating by Matt Striker & Todd Grisham
MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH: the Temptress of the Tango & the Sultan of Swing (Alicia Fox & DJ Gabriel) versus Bangers & Mash (Katie Lea & Paul Burchill); Gabriel beats Burchill with a 'Rock the Bells' Top-Rope European Uppercut {PSYCHOLOGY: yay, woo-hoo!}
a video package plays, hyping the induction of StoneCold Steve Austin into the WWE Hall of Fame on April 4th in Houston, Texas, using the tune of Living Color's "Cult of Personality" as its backdrop; tickets available @ http://www.toyotacentertix.com or 1 (866) 4HOUTIX & area Randalls locations
"Innovator of Extreme" Tommy Dreamer, dressed in his best suit, struts to the ring, where he declares that he's really been debating for a long time about what he's going to do here tonight, he has a lot of mixed emotions; he's been honoured to do what he loves to do for the past 19 years & that's to step into this ring & entertain the WWE Universe, they have a special bond; the letters ECWWE have a special meaning to him ~ his wife, daughters & the man he is today all have to do with the original ECW & if he had to do it all over again, he wouldn't change a thing; there comes a point in everybody's life when he has to reassess his life & Tommy feels that ECWWE's younger, stronger & faster than he's capable of being nowadays, so he doesn't think he has what it takes to compete anymore; his WWE contract expires June 6th, which gives him about 5 months, he needs to rove to himself & every member of the WWE Universe that he can still do it, the only way to do that being to win the Heavyweight title, he's willing to do whatever it takes to win that belt & if he can't he's done with ECWWE; he has to be able to look in the mirror with pride & self-respect, he'll be the Heavyweight champion again or he's done; a video package plays, hyping the Heavyweight title shot that "All-American American" Jack Swagger has against champion Matt Hardy tonight
WWE Home Video presents "Starrcade ~ The Essential Collection", "Survivor Series 2008", "Edge ~ a Decade of Decadence" & "Ultimate Wrestling Collection", available @ all major DVD retailers & http://www.WWEShop.com; log onto http://www.hmv.com for your chance to win a trip to WrestleMania 25
backstage, Ricky Ortiz takes the hand of Assistant General Manager Tiffany & almost kisses her, when Hornswaggle interrupts, Fit Finlay close on his heels
the Boogeyman defeats Sammy Savard with an 'Eternal Night' Pumphandle Slam {PSYCHOLOGY: all typed up, before the opening bell!}; after the match, with my eyes deliberated out of focus, the Boogeyman dumps some worms over his fallen opponent
backstage, Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy states that the tragic hit & run accident that affected his brother, Smackdown Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy & his fiance Beth, hasn't affected his preparation for tonight's match against "All-American American" Jack Swagger, he doesn't want any excuses for not being ready; since coming to ECWWE, Swagger's undefeated & therefore Hardy feels that he's earned the right to vie for the title, but there's 1 thing that Jack hasn't done yet & that's beat the former Mattitude Practitioner, which won't be happening tonight
a video package plays, advertizing Ken Kennedy's new movie "Behind Enemy Lines ~ Colombia", on DVD now
DID YOU KNOW. . . last Tuesday, ECWWE was Sci-Fi Channel's most watched show for the 15th week in a row! . . . ; betcha WWE Owner Vince McMahon knew that, as a video package plays, hyping the return of Vinnie-Mac, the McMahonopolizer himself, next week on RAW
a video package plays, hyping the Royal Rumble, live on pay-per-view January 25th
MAIN EVENT MATCH: "All-American American" Jack Swagger pins Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy with an 'Orthodontist's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: after dropping the former Team 2xtremer onto an exposed turnbuckle, but still. . . wow!}
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S ~ M ~ A ~ C ~ K ~ D ~ O ~ W ~ N
01/16/09 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}
commentating by Tazz & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross
from the Qwest Center in Omaha, Nebraska; now in WWE~HD
General Manager Vickie Guerrero stands in the ring, where she shows all of the WWE Universe & the Superstars backstage, what happens if you oppose her, as a video package plays, showing the Triple Jeopardy matches that she put HHH through last week, which resulted in the Game being rendered unconscious; the Cerebral Assassin tried to ruin her wedding, her marriage & even her reputation, he has no respect for anybody; if the King of Kings thinks this is some kind of joke, then Mamacita Heat's not laughing; HHH ambles down to the ring, a manilla envelope in his hand, where the Game apologizes for his actions, he was beaten unmercifully in 3 matches, which he understands was all his fault, he can be a real degenerate, once he starts being funny, he finds it hard to stop, regardless of whose feelings get hurt; as a token of his attrition, he presents her the manilla envelope, which apparently contain her nude photos, which he had to go to great lengths to get back from the Great Khali, who showed them to a lot of guys in the back. . . & the crew. . . & the catering staff. . . until Joey Styles bought them off of the Punjabi Playboy, who put them up on http://www.WWE.com which led to a whole buncha people seeing them; the Cerebral Assassin went through a whole lot of personal & financial bartering to get these back, enabling him to return the originals to her ~ careful, some are stuck together, but they're all there; Guerrero accepts her apology, but unfortunately that's not good enough for her, she decided to give the King of Kings the chance to earn his shot in the Royal Rumble match, against the Big Show in another Last Man Standing match tonight; well, HHH expected something like that might happen, so he calls for the production crew to put his own copies of the photos up on the TitanTron, declaring that she must've been young & needed the money; Mamacita Heat, naturally furious, she makes a slight change to the match she just announced, replacing the Game in the Last Man Standing match against TBS, putting Montell Vontavius Porter in that match & if he doesn't win, then the Cerebral Assassin's out of the Royal Rumble match & on top of that, the King of Kings will be banned from ringside
WWE Home Video presents "Starrcade ~ The Essential Collection", "Survivor Series 2008", "Edge ~ a Decade of Decadence" & "Ultimate Wrestling Collection", available @ all major DVD retailers & http://www.WWEShop.com; log onto http://www.hmv.com for your chance to win a trip to WrestleMania 25
ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL TAG TEAM MATCH: Fit & Hardy (Fit Finlay & Matt Hardy) versus the World's Americanest Men (Heavyweight champion "All-American American" Jack Swagger & "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry); Hardy beats Swagger with a 'Twist of Fate' Twisting Neckbreaker {PSYCHOLOGY: a touch of revenge for the former Mattitude Practitioner, but he's still without his belt, so you know this can't be over!}
in the General Manager's office, Edge tells Vickie Guerrero that he doesn't care what it takes, @ the Royal Rumble Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy's title defense's gonna be his last; ECWWE's Chavo Guerrero Junior welcomes the Big Show into the office, declaring that he'll be the man to take HHH out of the Rumble match, while simultaneously knocking out that loudmouth Montell Vontavius Porter while he's @ it; so the former WCW Giant wishes the Rated-R Superstar luck in his match @ the Royal Rumble, because when he wins the Rumble match, the Big Show's going on to WrestleMania 25, where's he's going to knock out the Conniving Canuck & take his newly-won Heavyweight title; awww snap, Chavito Heat's all hyped about the smack talk going down, he can't wait to see the Game's face when he realizes that he's out of the Rumble; Edge sends the very annoying Chavo out to make sure everything's ready for the Cutting Edge, because he wants his Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior guest to remember tonight for a long, long time; a video package plays, hyping the Royal Rumble, live on pay-per-view January 25th
DID YOU KNOW. . . last Friday, Smackdown once again broke its own record for the highest-rated show in MyNetworkTV history! . . . ; betcha "R-Truth" Ron Killings knew that, as he takes some guff from the Brian Kendrick & Ezekiel Jackson, stating that they're not impressed with his singing & dancing
backstage, ECWWE's Todd Grisham bothers Michelle McCool, who doesn't care about other people's jealousy of her. . . hell, she'd probably be jealous of herself, she's the top Diva on Smackdown & even in the entire WWE, she'll get her Divas title back sooner than later; Victoria steps into the frame, declaring that she's not intimidated by the future ex-Missus Layfield, when she gets that prissy little blond out into that ring, she'll show Michelle what it's all about
in the backstage area, Montell Vontavius Porter's actually jazzed about facing the Big Show in a Last Man Standing match, telling HHH that he's got this 1, he's practically Mohammad Ali over here ~ float like a butterfly, sting like a bee; the Game's not interested in his words, he wants MVP to take this seriously & start a winning streak tonight; listen, this win means as much to Porter as it does to the Cerebral Assassin, he's not gonna let either of them down
"R-Truth" Ron Killings defeats the Brian Kendrick with a 'Painful Truth' Scissor Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: blammo!}; after the match, Big Zeke dropped Killings with a 'Big & Bad' Urinagi Bomb
backstage, HHH's still going on & on about Montell Vontavius Porter not concentrating on his losing streak, instead focusing on winning; if he does what the Game told him to do, then MVP should come out on top & if he doesn't then the Cerebral Assassin has a sledgehammer-shaped friend he wants to introduce Porter to. . .
a video package plays, showing Vladimir Kozlov's rather unorthodox training regimen & how he's still waiting for competition in "Dub-Dub-E"
LAST MAN STANDING MATCH: Montell Vontavius Porter beats the Big Show when the Former WCW Giant Can't Answer the 10-Count {PSYCHOLOGY: after the match wound its way up to the ring entrance ramp stage, where, due to the stipulation that he was barred from ringside, HHH lands a massive sledgehammer shot on TBS!}
a video package plays, advertizing Ken Kennedy's new movie "Behind Enemy Lines ~ Colombia", on DVD now
another video package plays, this 1 hyping the return of Umaga
in the General Manager's office, Vickie Guerrero tells ECWWE's Chavo Guerrero Junior to bring HHH to her office, then Edge declares that he's going to teach the Big Show a lesson in taking care of business, when he interviews Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy later tonight on the Cutting Edge
a video package plays, showing the UnderTaker stating that once a year, 30 men vie for a chance @ immortality, but this year @ the Royal Rumble, there will only be 29 mortal souls & 1 immortal Phenom & Heaven help any of them who attempt to stand in the way of his fate; darkness will fall over all who try to stand in his way, for they'll be in for a fate worse than an over-the-top-rope elimination, their souls will be subject to judgment @ the hands of he who controls the dark side & their suffering will be infinite ~ the Dead Man'll bury them all
MAIN EVENT, SMACKDOWN DIVAS MATCH: Michelle McCool defeats Victoria with a 'Faith Breaker' Piledriving Faceplant {PSYCHOLOGY: sadly, this was the former Flower's retirement match, I certainly wish her well in her future endeavours. . . hey, that sounds like I'm firing her or something!}
in the General Manager's office, Vickie Guerrero's practically orgasmic with joy over HHH interfering in the Last Man Standing match, so now because of his actions, he's out of the Royal Rumble match. . . well, actually, the Game reminds Mamacita Heat that she said he was banned from ringside & the match was nowhere near ringside when he interfered; well, that's not what she meant. . . no, the Game imagines it wasn't but it's what she said, so he's still in the Rumble; let Vickie make herself perfectly clear, next week the Cerebral Assassin's gonna be facing the undefeated Vladimir Kozlov
a video package plays, hyping the induction of StoneCold Steve Austin into the WWE Hall of Fame on April 4th in Houston, Texas, using the tune of Living Color's "Cult of Personality" as its backdrop; tickets available @ http://www.toyotacentertix.com or 1 (866) 4HOUTIX & area Randalls locations
the official theme's "Let It Rock" by Kevin Rudolf, available now; the ROYAL RUMBLE CARD SO FAR: the 30-Man Royal Rumble match, with Superstars from RAW, ECWWE & Smackdown. . . RAW Women's champion "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix versus Melina Perez. . . Smackdown Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy versus Edge. . . RAW Heavyweight champion John Cena versus John Brad$haw Layfield
backstage, Vladimir Kozlov declares that HHH will present no challenge for him next week, the Moscow Mauler'll remain undefeated
Edge Alterbridges to the ring for another edition of the Cutting Edge, where he states that, as a world-class athlete, he's learned to block out distractions & he's been singularly concentrating on regaining his Heavyweight title, currently held by Jeff Hardy; but week after week, that gets harder & harder, what with all the distractions that've popped up in the past weeks. . . be they very private pictures of his wife popping up on http://www.WWE.com for all the world to see. . . or whether he has to worry about the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior himself, because whether the WWE Universe wants to admit it or not, Hardy has a storm cloud of misfortune hanging over his head, Edge's gotta worry whether or not his opponent's even gonna make it to the Rumble; he's usually all for some good old-fashioned Jeff Hardy abuse, but he's happy that both Hardy & his fiance are okay, because he won't lose his moment to regain his title taken away from him @ the Royal Rumble ~ in fact, his story's so inspiring, they went & made a movie about it, as a video package plays, hyping the Rated-R Superstar as a saviour who's gonna restore the balance in WWE, by winning back his title; if the WWE Universe want to know how that movie ends, they're gonna have to watch the Rumble, where he's gonna end the reign of inadequacy that's the title run of Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy, who's the Conniving Canuck's guest tonight & while making his entrance, gets blasted by some pyrotechnics, with people rushing out to check if he's alright & gesturing for some EMTs to come to Hardy's assistance
*PLEASE NOTE* The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some tag team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.
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R ~ A ~ W
01/05/09 originating on USA Network {in the United States} & simulcast on the Score {in Canada}
commentating by WWE Hall-of-Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole
"Legend Killer" Randy Orton & Chris Jericho stand in the ring, the former stating that they're out there to call shenanigans on last week's "Race to The Rumble" Fatal 4-Way match, where all 4 men were supposed to be out for themselves, but it was obvious to the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah that 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels was protecting the interests of his employer, John Brad$haw Layfield; this went against the spirit of the match stipulation, which's why Jericho & Orton have filed a joint formal protest of the actions of last week; Randy feels that JBL should be removed from his Heavyweight championship match against John Cena @ the Royal Rumble & that HBK shouldn't be allowed to vie for the title again; they've both agreed to face each other tonight, with the winner moving on to face the Doctor of Thuganomics for his Heavyweight title @ the Royal Rumble & it doesn't matter of the hypocrites of the WWE Universe don't like them, @ least Chris & Randy fought the fair fight & they won't leave this ring until they get satisfaction; Brad$haw & the HeartBreak Kid head out to the ring, where the former proclaims that the Legend Killer & Y2J can protest all they want, he's going on to face the Chain Gang Commander @ the Royal Rumble in 3 weeks & maybe they should try losing with a little dignity; they have the audacity to cast aspersions @ Layfield, knowing their own track records they'd've done the same thing, if they'd had the resources; naw, Jericho declares that they don't deal with dishonest people. . . speaking of which, how's Mister WrestleMania living with his choice to join with the former Acolyte, Chris got chastised for months after he threw Shawn under the bus & berated him for being a phony, then lo & behold, his actions of the past month have made Jericho look like a prophet; if there's 1 thing that allows Michaels to sleep @ night without being completely sickened with himself, it's that he personally made sure that neither Randy nor Chris would fight for the Heavyweight title; Orton balks @ Shawn's logic, they don't deserve to be cheated out of the title match, it's totally okay that HBK's looking out for his family's needs, but it's not just him who's gonna be suffering ~ it turns out that 2008 WWE Hall of Famer "Nature Boy" Ric Flair's career was ended by a weak, pathetic sellout; the shame of it all's that once their protest's been heard, the decision from last week will be overturned; ECW Owner Stephanie McMahon saunters out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where she states that she's read their complaint & the fact's that Shawn didn't lie down, he was dropped by a 'Clothesline From Hell' Standing Lariat & they can argue all they want, what Nipple H says, goes, since this is her show; Jericho & Orton can both take solace in the fact that they're both entered into the Royal Rumble match, which's par for the course, as far as the King of My World's concerned, but the 1 man who shouldn't be allowed to enter's the HeartBreak Kid; well, that's not Y2J's decision, but JBL acquiesces to the demand, stating that Shawn's only function @ the Rumble's gonna be to support Brad$haw in his corner; well, that's fine for the pay-per-view, but that's 3 weeks away, the McMilf's out here to make the main event for tonight, a Tag Team match, pitting Jericho & Orton against Heavyweight champion John Cena & Michaels, since they're all so concerned about honour & ****. . .
MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH: the Golden Globes (Goldust & Melina Perez) versus Glamarella (Santino Marella & Women's champion "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix); Melina pins Beth with a Floatover {PSYCHOLOGY: nice setup for the Royal Rumble match for the title!}; after the match, Rosa Mendez once more jumps the ring barrier, attacking Perez, with Security escorting her from the arena. . . again! . . .
backstage, ECWWE's Todd Grisham bothers CM Punk, who's totally stoked to face Intercontinental champion William Regal next he had 3 phenomenal matches in the tournament to make it to this match, so it's appropriate that it was the IC title that he enjoyed so much as a kid; his personal favourite, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, Bret "HitMan" Hart & Mister Perfect, to name but a few WWE Hall of Famers, have held that title & he looks forward to adding his name to that list of notables; on a personal note, he's not forgetting that Regal cost him the King of the Ring last year, as well as knocking a few molars loose last week, so he has a measure of revenge on his mind as well, so let's see how things turn out in the following RAW INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH: Punk beats Regal via Disqualification After the champion Won't Let Go of The Referee {PSYCHOLOGY: awww, c'mon!}; after the match, ECW Owner Stephanie McMahon appears on the TitanTron, where she declares that she doesn't want the 1st title match of 2009 to end like that, therefore she's making a rematch for the title & if the King of the Ring gets disqualified this time, he's loses his title
a video package plays, hyping Ken Kennedy's new movie "Behind Enemy Lines ~ Colombia", available tomorrow
DID YOU KNOW. . . RAW was the #1 entertainment show on cable last week, beating shows on NBC, CW, VH1, TNT, Nickelodeon, A&E, the Disney Channel, TBS & ABC! . . . ; betcha John Brad$haw Layfield knew that, as he tells 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels that this protest thing launched by Chris Jericho & "Legend Killer" Randy Orton actually worked to their advantage, there was no way it was gonna fly, so now tonight, when HBK teams with Heavyweight champion John Cena later tonight, he can deliver a 'Sweet Chin Music' Superkick, opening the Chain Gang Commander up for an 'RKO' Modified Ace Cutter & even a boot to the head, forcing the Doctor of Thuganomics to have to forfeit his title, with the likely candidate to accept it being JBL himself; all that means that Shawn's getting a bonus, regardless of whether or not he's over the fact that he's been removed from the Royal Rumble match itself, HBK's Mister WrestleMania & that's why Layfield hired him, to get him to the Granddaddy of them all as Heavyweight champion, in his home state of Texas, as the conquering hero & all Michaels has to do's go along for the ride & do a few things along the way, then he won't have to worry about his wife & kids, any bills, he won't have to worry about anything ever again; the hard part's over & Brad$haw knows that the Showstopper won't let him down; backstage, "Legend Killer" Randy Orton tells Cody Rhodes & Sim Snuka that, because they won their matches last week, they've graduated to Phase 2 of the Legacy, if they win, they're in & since all 3 men are the sons of WWE Hall of Famers, failure's not an option; speak of the devil, here's Manu, who pleads with Orton to give him another chance, none of them are perfect ~ hell, even Randy lost his match last week; well, dem's fightin' words, as the Legend Killer goes rank on the Junior Wild Samoan, his father didn't come close to comparing to "Cowboy" Bob Orton Junior & neither does Manu compare to Randy; ½ of the WWE Universe don't even know his name & he wants Orton to give him another chance? . . . he makes 1 thing perfectly clear, Manu'll never be a part of Legacy & he never wants to the burly man's face again
backstage, Dolph Ziggler introduces himself to the totally-realistically-relaxing Mickie James, as Rey Mysterio Junior & Kofi Kingston head to the ring for their upcoming bout; ECWWE's John Morrison & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin pompous to the ring, where they turn the booing back on the WWE Universe, proclaiming that the city that was recently voted the Murder Capital of the United States, shouldn't throw stones in this particular glass house; sorry for being the Tag Team champions, being 2-time Slammy winners & saving the environment 1 low-flush toilet @ a time, they're the greatest Tag Team of the 21st Century, be jealous; during the following match, it's announced that Rey-Rey & his Jamaican friend are some of the RAW Superstars to compete in the Royal Rumble match; RAW VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL TAG TEAM MATCH: RAW's Mistery Kings (Kingston & Mysterio) versus Tag Team champions, ECWWE's Altered Reality (Morrison & The Miz); the Shaman of Sexy defeats Rey-Rey with a 'Nitro Blaster' Capiera Kick in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: dang!}; after the match, Mike Knox helps Mysterio celebrate his win over the former ECWWE bully, by bashing the substantially-smaller wrestler mercilessly
backstage, 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels comes face-to-face with Heavyweight champion John Cena, who just wants to know if he's fighting 3 guys out there, or 2 ~ will he get HBK, of John Brad$haw Layfield's puppet; Michaels proudly exclaims that he's nobody's puppet, then he tells the Chain Gang Commander to let history tell him what's going to happen
WWE Home Video presents "Edge ~ a Decade of Decadence", a 3-disc DVD set with over 8 hours of the Rated-R Superstar's greatest matches, available now @ all major DVD retailers & http://www.WWEShop.com
before the following Divas match, Jillian Hall butchers "When The Saints Go Marching In"; RAW DIVAS MATCH: K² pins Hall with a 'K2' Guillotine Legdrop Bulldog {PSYCHOLOGY: I've seen my fair share or mat classics put off by stellar women's wrestlers. . . & this was no mat classic put off by stellar women's wrestlers!}; after the match, Jillian attacks Kelly from behind, until Kane pyros to the ring & proclaims that the truth finally came out, she was protecting "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, who ended up rejecting her ~ didn't feel real good, did it; so next week, the Bald Red Machine goes back to what makes him feel good, eviscerating people; next week, he has a match with the aforementioned Legend Killer & the former ECWWE Tuesday Nitro Girl's more than welcome to watch
a video package plays, hyping the Royal Rumble, live on pay-per-view January 25th
TAG TEAM MATCH: Rhodes to Flatbush (Cody Rhodes & Sim Snuka) versus Cryme Tyme (Shad Gaspard & JTG); Rhodes beats JTG with a 'Pay Window' Neckbreaking Reverse DDT {PSYCHOLOGY: if you weell!}
in the ECW Owner's office, Chris Jericho asks Stephanie McMahon if John Brad$haw Layfield has her in his back pocket too, as it looks like her decisions are all strongly swerving circumstances in his favour; when the subject of WWE Owner Vince McMahon possibly not being pleased with how things are going on his flagship show, Nipple H reminds the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions that, ever since that accident where the $1,000,000 Mania set fell on him, the McMahonopolizer hasn't been in the picture here in WWE; well, that's what Y2J thought as well, until he was getting ready for his match tonight & got a call from Vinnie-Mac's office, informing him that in 2 weeks, he's returning to RAW to personally oversee the completion of his devastating battle station & crush this accursed Rebellion- no wait, that's somebody else who's almost-totally evil. . . naw, he's just coming by to take over again, that's about it; MAIN EVENT, TAG TEAM MATCH: the Anti-McMahons (Heavyweight champion John Cena & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels) versus Orton Hears a Boo ("Legend Killer" Randy Orton & Chris Jericho); HBK defeats Y2J with a 'Sweet Chin Music' Superkick {PSYCHOLOGY: though there were a few moments there, when he looked like he'd falter}; after the match, ECWWE's Todd Grisham bothers John Brad$haw Layfield, who's thrilled with how his employee did tonight, so next week it's the HeartBreak Kid against the Chain Gang Commander in the Main Event & just to make sure that Shawn does what's right, JBL's gonna be in his corner
01/06/09 originating on the Sci-Fi Network {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night
2008 Slammy-Award-Winning commentating by Matt Striker & Todd Grisham
"All-American American" Jack Swagger pins Fit Finlay with an 'Orthodontist's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: all the more reason to consider him the #1 Contender for the Heavyweight title?}; after the match, Swagger saunters into General Manager Theodore R. Long's office, where, after spewing a little @ his boss, finds out that he has a title match next week
RAW VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL DIVAS MATCH: RAW's Katie Lea Burchill beats ECWWE's Alicia Fox with a 'A Twist of Lime' Hair-Pulling Backbreaker {PSYCHOLOGY: 1st their male counterparts duke it out & now the dames give it a go!}
a video package plays, hyping the Royal Rumble, live on pay-per-view January 25th
DID YOU KNOW. . . more viewers watched ECWWE last week than any other program on CW, MYV, Bravo, Comedy Central, the Discover Channel, Black Entertainment Television, SpikeTV, the History Channel or VH1! . . . ; betcha the Boogeyman knew that, as he defeats Bret Barnes with a 'Eternal Night' Pumphandle Slam {PSYCHOLOGY: predictable!}; after the match, apparently Boogey went ahead & did the whole worm thing, but I was too enthralled in my laptop to watch it, for fear of losing my breakfast!
a video package plays, showing Ken Kennedy talking about his part in "Behind Enemy Lines ~ Colombia" & how it had everything that action movie fans love, which made it understandably scary to be in the middle of @ times
MAIN EVENT MATCH: Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy pins "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry with a 'Twist of Fate' Twisting Neckbreaker in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: still boggles my mind that, when WWE knows they're not going to be changing the titles, that they're not being defended more often ~ I mean, doesn't it make for a stronger-looking champion if they defend the belt on a regular basis?}
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S ~ M ~ A ~ C ~ K ~ D ~ O ~ W ~ N
01/09/09 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}
commentating by Tazz & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross
from the Summit Arena in Hot Springs, Arizona; now in WWE~HD
the broadcast starts with the pre-ordained story of Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy & his fiance Beth being the victims of a hit & run, of which, miraculously, there's video footage for
SMACKDOWN VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL "TRIPLE JEOPARDY" TABLES MATCH: Smackdown's HHH beats RAW Tag Team co-champion ECWWE's John Morrison by Putting Him Through a Table {PSYCHOLOGY: 1 down, 2 to go!}; after the match, RAW Tag Team co-champion ECWWE's Mike "The Miz" Mizanin distracts the Game, while Chavo Guerrero Junior plows the Cerebral Assassin through a table himself, as General Manager Vickie Guerrero watched on from her office; backstage, Mamacita Heat flaunts the unfortunate luck of the King of Kings, reminding him that he still has a Handicap & Last Man Standing match to deal with tonight
the UnderTaker defeats United States champion "Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin with a 'Tombstone' Elevated Piledriver in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: 2nd match?!}
a video package plays, showing exclusive police footage of last Thursday night's hit-&-run car accident featuring Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy & his fiance Beth; another video package plays, this 1 showing Tazz speaking with Edge about the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior's car accident, but he doesn't understand why the Human Suplex Machine's bothering him with this, it seems like the black cloud that's followed the Heavyweight champion in 2008's carried over into 2009 & the Rated-R Superstar's gonna keep Hardy & his fiance in his prayers
SMACKDOWN DIVAS TAG TEAM MATCH: the Bella Twins (Nikki & Brie Bella) versus Bad Medicine (Michelle McCool & Victoria); Nikki pins Victoria with a 'Oklahoma Roll' Pinfall {PSYCHOLOGY: McCool's taking to her new heel persona rather well, I think!}; after the match, Michelle assaults Victoria, dropping her with the 'Shell Shocker' Piledriving Faceplant
in the General Manager's office, Vickie Guerrero's seen watching the following SMACKDOWN VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL "TRIPLE JEOPARDY" 2-ON-1 HANDICAP MATCH: Smackdown's HHH versus ECWWE's El Satano Diablos (RAW Tag Team co-champion Mike "The Miz" Mizanin & Chavo Guerrero Junior); the Game beats the Miz with a 'Pedigree' Double-Underhook Faceplant {PSYCHOLOGY: 2 down, 1 to go!}; after the match, Mamacita Heat appears on the TitanTron, congratulating the Cerebral Assassin on winning his 2nd of 3 matches, but she's really anxious to see how the King of Kings fares against the Big Show in their Last Man Standing match
a video package plays, hyping the Royal Rumble, live on pay-per-view January 25th
another video package plays, this 1 showing Vladimir Kozlov's rather unorthodox training regimen & how he's still waiting for competition in "Dub-Dub-E"
Montell Vontavius Porter stands in the ring, where he prepares to host another segment of his VIP Lounge, where things are apparently still poppin' & stoppin', but his enthusiasm's all gone out of it, so here's his guest this week, RAW's Ken Kennedy, who stomps to the ring & proclaims that normally he's not much of a VIP Lounge kinda person, but MVP has a lot of nice stuff out here; Porter thinks he's mad @ the Green Bay Gregariate, but in reality he's mad @ himself & all that Kennedy was doing when he inserted himself into each & every 1 of Montell's losses was to not only shamelessly promote his new movie, "Behind Enemy Lines ~ Colombia" now on DVD, but also to help Vontavius save face, or @ least inspire him to stop whining & complaining all the time, so that maybe he can stop losing all the time; how can Ken make jokes when MVP's career's literally falling to pieces, does he think this is a joke; the some backstage personnel come into the ring to repossess Porter's furniture, giving Kennedy the cue to give Vontavius some really good advise ~ things may be bad right now, but they could always be worse; speaking of ECWWE's Boogeyman, here he comes now, who drops MVP with an 'Eternal Sleep' Pumphandle Slam, then tosses a handful of worms into his maw, which I avert my eyes away from
DID YOU KNOW. . . WWE television programs can be seen in 465,000,000 homes worldwide ~ more than the NBA, Major League Baseball & the NFL combined! . . . ; betcha Carlito Caribbean Cool & Primo Colon knew that, as they prepare for the following SMACKDOWN TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: Bad To His Bone (the Brian Kendrick & Ezekiel Jackson) versus champions Dos Colons (3C & Primo); Carlito defeats Kendrick with a 'Backstabber' Cradling Falling Backbreaker {PSYCHOLOGY: say, wasn't 3C supposed to have a new cornroll hairstyle?}
a video package plays, showing some cell phone footage of the hit-&-Run accident featuring Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy & his fiance Beth; a 2nd video package plays, this 1 featuring the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior live via satellite, relaying what happened up to the accident ~ he was @ a party with his friends & family & he was sideswiped by an unknown assailant, but even though he won't here @ Smackdown this week, he'll be back next week & will most definitely be @ the Royal Rumble to defend his Heavyweight title against Edge; ROYAL RUMBLE CARD SO FAR: RAW Heavyweight title match, champion John Cena versus John Brad$haw Layfield, with 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels in his corner. . . Smackdown Heavyweight title match, champion Jeff Hardy versus Edge. . . & of course, the 30-Man Over-The-Top-Rope Royal Rumble match, featuring Superstars from RAW, ECWWE & Smackdown
MAIN EVENT, "TRIPLE JEOPARDY" LAST MAN STANDING MATCH: the Big Show defeats HHH when the Game Can't Answer the 10-Count {PSYCHOLOGY: so, does this mean that the Cerebral Assassin's out of the Royal Rumble match now?}; after the match, General Manager Vickie Guerrero stands on the ring entrance ramp, where she smiles in glee @ the defeat of the King of Kings
