-=* FRIDAY MORNING MARKOUT *=-
ARTIST "SONG" {ALBUM}
JOHNNY CASH "CAT's IN The CRADLE / BALLAD of IRA HAYES / SOMEWHERE ALONG The WAY / WANTED MAN / The LAST COWBOY SONG / UNCHAINED / The GAMBLER / DESPERADO / THIS THING CALLED LOVE / FAMILY CIRCLE / DEVIL CAME BACK TO GEORGIA / HOME of The BLUES / FRANKIE / I HUNG MY HEAD / LONG BLACK VEIL / NOBODY / ME & BOBBY McGEE / The NIGHT HANK WILLIAMS CAME to TOWN / CRY, CRY, CRY / I WON'T BACK DOWN / TENNESSEE FLAT TOP BOX / GOT RHYTHM / FLESH & BLOOD / I STILL MISS SOME1 / IF I WERE A CARPENTER" {ULTIMATE JOHNNY CASH COLLECTION}
The 8-TRACK FAVOURITES "RING of FIRE" {LIVE'R THAN EVER}
BIG JEEZUS TRUCK "LONG BLACK VEIL" {CURSE of The UNDEAD TRUCKER}
The EAGLES "DESPERADO" {DESPERADO}
JOHNNY CASH "HURT" {ULTIMATE JOHNNY CASH COLLECTION}

-=* RING RUST *=-
ARTIST "SONG" {ALBUM}
BRET 'HITMAN' HART "NEVER BEEN A RIGHT TIME to SAY GOODBYE" {WWF WRESTLEMANIA: The ALBUM}
GEORGE CLINTON "KING of The BA-DA-BING" {READY to RUMBLE ORIGINAL MOTION PICTURE SOUNDTRACK}
EYEZ OPEN "UNDERTAKER" {ANTHOLOGY - REMIXES}
JIM JOHNSTON "BODY DONNAS" {ANTHOLOGY - WWF}
SYSTEM of The DOWN "STREAMLINE" {The SCORPION KING ORIGINAL MOTION PICTURE SOUNDTRACK}
BUSTA RHYMES "THIS MEANS WAR" {E.L.E}
JIM JOHNSTON "RAVE PARTY" {ANTHOLOGY - WWF ATTITUDE}
JIM JOHNSTON "LONGHORN" {WWE THEMEADDICT: The MUSIC VOLUME 6}
1 MINUTE SILENCE "HOLY MAN" {ECW ANARCHY ROCKS}
JIM JOHNSTON "POWERS of PAIN" {ANTHOLOGY - WWF}
DALE OLIVER "COBRA DANCE" {ANTHOLOGY - TNA}
JIM JOHNSTON "NO MERCY 2007" {ANTHOLOGY - PAY~PER~VIEW}
MC 'MACHO MAN' RANDY SAVAGE "HIT The FLOOR" {BE a MAN}
The MAGNIFICENT TRACERS "ANTI-SOCIAL" {WORLD of WRESTLING ROCKS}
MISS HANCOCK "UNIVERSAL LOVE" {ANTHOLOGY - WCW}
KID ROCK "LEGS" {WWF FORCABLE ENTRY}
STACY KIEBLER "WHY CAN'T WE JUST DANCE?" {WWE ORIGINALS}
GO BETTY GO "LAUGH AGAIN" {NOTHING's MORE}
PAUL DesLAURIERS "THIS STATE of GRACE" {RIPPING INTO RED}
QUEEN "INNUENDO" {INNUENDO}
REVEREND BILLY C. WIRTZ "SLEEPERHOLD ON SATAN / YOU ARE NOBODY / TEENIE WEENIE MEANIE" {The BEST of The WIRTZ: 15 YEARS on The ROAD WITH A 77" PIANIST}

-=* HETEROSEXUAL CAVALCADE of ÜBERSWANK *=-
ARTIST "SONG" {ALBUM}
ARAZIA "TALES FROM A SHALLOW GRAVE / PTOLEMAIC SYSTEM" {PTOLEMAIC SYSTEM}
TOM COCHRANE & RED RIDER "LIFE's a HIGHWAY" {OH! WHAT A FEELING! VOLUME 1}
The TRAGICALLY HIP "NEW ORLEANS IS SINKING" {OH! WHAT A FEELING! VOLUME 1}
ARAZIA "LAST WORDS of a DEAD MAN / ANNABEL LEE" {PTOLEMAIC SYSTEM}

*PLEASE NOTE*
The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some tag team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.

* * * * *

R ~ A ~ W

02/23/09 originating on USA Network {in the United States} & simulcast on the Score {in Canada}

commentating by WWE Hall-of-Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole

from the Sommet Center in Nashville, Tennessee; now in WWE~HD

Smackdown General Manager Vickie Guerrero milfs to the ring, where she states that due to the unfortunate incident involving the McMahons last week, the WWE Board of Directors has named her the Interim General Manager of RAW & she just wants to say, from the bottom of her heart, that she's going to carry out the commitment & dedication for RAW that she does for Smackdown; well, John Cena takes exception to that, as he Abba Joos to the ring & declares that this isn't right, the Board of Directors chose her, of all people ~ hell, with all the people looking for work nowadays, they still have Mike Adamle's number & @ least it was funny when he screwed up on TV, or they could've reassigned Michael Cole, instead of "Excuse me!" we could be hearing "Oh my!" now that's a Cole Original; the Doctor of Thuganomics could've named about a dozen others, but he doesn't want to fight city hall, so the Chain Gang Commander welcomes Mamacita Heat as the Interim GM, but she should take pride in the product & not lie to the WWE Universe. . .  they all know that she doesn't care 1 iota about the McMahons or the WWE Universe ~ all she cares about's that her husband's the RAW Heavyweight champion; Cena has a rematch clause from his match @ No Way Out & he's gonna cash it in tonight; not so fast, exclaims RAW Heavyweight champion Edge, who smarms to the ring, followed closely by the Big Show, asking who John thinks he is, coming out here & intimidating his wife into getting whatever he wants ~ who does Cena think he is, "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, why doesn't the Rated-R Superstar make the Chain Gang Commander feel intimidated; now hold on a second, there, Sparky, for 1 second in his life, the Doctor of Thuganomics asks the Conniving Canuck to stand up & be a man, this match between the 2 of them's gonna happen, Edge has no reason & no excuse to not defend his title here tonight; the RAW Heavyweight champion does, actually, he's not taking orders for a buy who wants to be this generation's Bruno Sammartino, Hulk Hogan or StoneCold Steve Austin, he wants to be that guy that every loser kid & working stiff looks up to & says "that's my guy" but it's not going to happen, because the Rated-R Superstar won't allow it to happen, because Cena has the unfortunate luck to live in the same era as the Conniving Canuck, who's tougher, more talented & smarter than everybody who's held this title before, so while Edge exists, John can't be the conquering hero that he so desperately wants to be & in the grand scheme of things, it's unfortunate, people are losing jobs left & right, he could really be that shining ray of light that all these hosers need so badly; so maybe, with this title match that the Doctor of Thuganomics' so psyched to get. . .  maybe he should just hold off on it a little bit, since when they have their rematch & when Edge does beat Cena, all these people will be left with absolutely nothing; fine speech, proclaims Cena, but he suspects that the only reason that the champ's so brave all of a sudden's because he's standing in this ring with a barbaric, disgusting 500 pound beast. . .  & of course, he brought TBS out too. . .  so let's get 1 thing straight, the Chain Gang Commander doesn't pretend to be somebody else, there's no Blueprint for his life or Edge's life, or whatever other shenanigans those Spike TV goofs might be up to, the Rated-R Superstar's a champion, the Doctor of Thuganomics' 1 match away from being a new champion & the new Interim General Manager of RAW should step up & make the match; well, maybe Cena should back off & show the GM a little bit of respect. . .  yeah, about the former WCW Giant, John can't quite seem to wrap his brain around why the Big Show's involved in this little dynamic ~ Vickie Guerrero, General Manager for both shows, he gets that. . .  Edge, RAW Heavyweight champion, he gets that. . .  TBS, oh wait, maybe he was hired to "take care of" Mamacita Heat, but the Doctor of Thuganomics didn't realize that the Rated-R Superstar was lacking in the bedroom. . .  but that just opens up a whole other kettle of worms, since he visualizes that they cover each other in deli meats, or. . .  now hold on 1 cotton-pickin' minute, Guerrero states with great authority that the RAW Heavyweight champion's her family & TBS' her friend, but as for Cena, he's neither, so she's inclined to put him up against either her friend or her family; well, that's fine by the Chain Gang Commander, as either he'll be slaying a Giant, or walking out of the arena the new Heavyweight champion

in the parking garage, Legacy pull in their rental car, with "Legend Killer" Randy Orton sneaking around to avoid Smackdown Heavyweight champion HHH's assured assault, but Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior make sure to have his back covered, so he can sneak into the arena unaccosted

RAW VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL TRIPLE THREAT, WRESTLEMANIA 25 "MONEY-IN-The-BANK" QUALIFYING MATCH: RAW's CM Punk versus Tag Team co-champion Mike "The Miz" Mizanin versus Tag Team co-champion John Morrison; the Straight-Edge Superstar pins the Shaman of Sexy with a 'Go To Sleep' Falling Kneestrike {PSYCHOLOGY: blammo!}

DID YOU KNOW. . . Monday Night RAW was the #1 show again last week! . . . ; betcha Smackdown Heavyweight champion HHH knew that, as a video package plays, recapping his emotional interview with WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross, as broadcast on Smackdown last Friday; backstage, ECWWE's Todd Grisham bothers Pricele$$, with Cody Rhodes stating that he sees how this is going. . .  "Legend Killer" Randy Orton didn't ask to face WWE Executive Vice President & WCW "Owner" Shane McMahon last week, nor did he ask for WWE Executive Vice President & ECW "Owner" Stephanie McMahon to come down to the ring & confront him. . .  it's high time that people stopped pointing fingers @ the 3rd-Generation Superstar & start being accountable for their own actions; Ted DiBiase Junior pipes up & says that Randy'll come out later in the show & address his actions from last week, but if the Game ~ the Last McMahon Standing ~ wants to come take issue with him. . .  well, Pricele$$ will be ready

backstage, before Dolph Ziggler can introduce himself, Santino Marella beats him to the punch, introducing Rosa Mendez, their Intern. . .  & this is "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix, his girlfriend, lots of love there. . .  say, nice abnominals, but he'd show the newcomer some real muscles. . .  except that he wants to show off his phenomenal t-shirt; well, if the Milan Miracle's done hosing down the backstage area with testosterone, Phoenix wants to head to the ring for the following 6-PERSON MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH: All-American Awesomeness (Ziggler & Glamarella {Marella & Phoenix}) versus Bros & Hoes (Cryme Tyme {JTG Shad Gaspard} & Women's champion Melina Perez); Gaspard beats Marella with a 'Thugnificent' Pendulum Urinagi Slam {PSYCHOLOGY: I'm sorry, did Melina or Beth wrestle?}

a video package plays, hyping the pending debut of John Cena's new movie "12 Rounds", in theatres March 27th, where he plays a New Orleans police officer who has to rescue his kidnapped girlfriend by passing 12 tests set up by a homicidal maniac from his past

RAW SPECIAL CHALLENGE MATCH: 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels defeats John Brad$haw Layfield with a 'Sweet Chin Music' Superkick {PSYCHOLOGY: which means that he now gets to move onto face Smackdown's Vladimir Kozlov next week on RAW, the winner of that match going on to WrestleMania 25 to challenge Smackdown's UnderTaker, with the Dead Man's winning streak on the line!}; after the match, the Moscow Mauler angers to the ring, where he bashes HBK with 1 mighty blow

WWE Home Video presents "The Best of Saturday Night's Main Event", "Armageddon 2009" & "WWE Legends of Wrestling Collection", available now @ all major DVD retailers & @ www.WWEShop.com

WRESTLEMANIA 25th ANNIVERSARY MOMENT: March 30th, 2008, WrestleMania 24 featured the most recent edition of the "Money-In-The-Bank" #1 Contendership match, as well as the "Special" Challenge between the Big Show against boxer Floyd "Money" Mayweather, the UnderTaker capturing the Smackdown Heavyweight title & of course, the retirement match of 2008 WWE Hall of Famer "Nature Boy" Ric Flair against 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels; back in the arena, Jamie Knoble once again states that, even though he only lasted 16 seconds against Kane last week, if he can defeat his opponent this week, he'll have a fair chance to make his own name @ WrestleMania 25; Mike Knox pins Knoble with a 'Physicality' Twisting Space Tornado Ogawa {PSYCHOLOGY: 29 seconds this week!}

joining StoneCold Steve Austin, Terry & Dory Funk Junior in the 2009 WWE Hall of Fame, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat's announced as the latest inductee, to be inducted by fellow WWE Hall of Famer "Nature Boy" Ric Flair; back out in the arena, Michael Cole bothers the Dragon {who apparently they have coming out to the theme of Ultimo Dragon! . . .}, who calls this the greatest thrill in his life, he can remember the Pontiac Silverdome, in front of 93,000 people & winning the WWF Intercontinental championship from then-champion "Macho Man" Randy Savage; without the WWE Universe, Steamboat couldn't've accomplished this; Chris Jericho Breaks the Walls Down onto the ring entrance ramp stage beside his mentor, thanking the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences for proving him right, despite all the shameless pandering & arse-kissing, Mickey Rourke still lost the Oscar for "The Wrestler", so now he's just like the character he played in the stellar movie, a washed-up has-been who wants just that 1 last shot in the spotlight, just like the losers in this business. . .  Slick Ric & his fellow WWE Hall of Famer "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, even going so far as to call Ricky a loser; when he was wrestling all those classic matches in the National Wrestling Association, a company that, according to WWE, never even existed, he was just Ricky Steamboat, but once he signed with WWF & sold his soul to the people in the arenas, he became the Dragon, a glorified Karate Kid Wannabee selling headbands to kids & making poses, feeding into stereotypes; then eventually he started coming to the ring with a kimono dragon, then later spitting fire ~ he'd become the circus act that all WWF performers were made out to be, but it was fine, as long as he was making a good paycheque; but then, after he decided to retire, he was just like all the others, broken down, looking for that 1 last shot @ the spotlight, working for a payday; well @ least he was ½-way smart about it, he came in through the back door & got a job with WWE backstage, so now he's a life-long sellout; with the WWE Hall of Fame induction, the loyal dog gets his bone, just like Hot Rod & the Nature Boy. . .  but instead of wearing a sequined robe or a kilt, he's wearing a 3-piece suit but it doesn't change anything, because Steamboat's just like all the other hypocrites in the WWE Universe; well, dem's fightin' words, as Ricky asks if the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions knows what a hypocrite is {& no, it's not a large wooden box for storing & transporting hippos!}, he remembers signing an autograph for the King of My World, in fact he clearly recalls how he said how he admired the Dragon & that Ricky was his idol, written in his biography no less; so then 10 years ago, when he joined then-WWF, he was a snot-nosed punk who turned down the wrestling fans, but in less than a year, he embraced them, calling them his Jericholics; he spent the next coupla years alternately embracing & turning on those same fans, back & forth, that's a hypocrite; from the very 1st time that he put on his wrestling tights, to the day he retired, he never changed once, he gave the WWE Universe the same respect every match of his career; as for himself, Roddy Piper & the other Legends, they know who they are, so his own job in training & bringing up the new talent in WWE, that's not being a sellout, he loves this business & doesn't care what Y2J thinks of Ricky, he's somebody Jericho may never be, a Hall of Famer; well, dem's counter-fightin' words, as Chris bashes Ricky with his mic & orders him to stay on the ground where he belongs

before the following match, Interim General Manager Vickie Guerrero milfs out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where she declares that John Cena won't be getting his Heavyweight title match tonight, which's what the Chain Gang Commander was expecting, so he's decided to follow her everywhere she goes, until she respects his rematch clause; settle down, Mamacita Heat suggests that he get ready for tonight's match, where she promised the Doctor of Thuganomics that he'd be facing either her friend, or a member of her family; MAIN EVENT, RAW VERSUS SMACKDOWN INTER-PROMOTIONAL MATCH: RAW's John Cena makes Smackdown's Chavo Guerrero Junior Submit with an 'STFU' "Submission Through Fear" Stepover Toehold Facelock {PSYCHOLOGY: . . . huh?}

another of the official themes for WrestleMania 25's AC~DC's "War Machine" from the album "Black Ice"

"Legend Killer" Randy Orton, sledgehammer in hand & Pricele$$ @ his side, saunters to the ring, where he states that he's been waiting for Smackdown Heavyweight champion HHH all night, so he'd just as soon come stand out here in the ring, because he doesn't even think that the Game's gonna show; for those in the WWE Universe who think that the Cerebral Assassin's gonna come down here & avenge the assault on his wife, WWE Executive Vice President & ECW "Owner" Stephanie McMahon, from last week, then it just confirms to Randy that the King of Kings really is a McMahon ~ arrogant, out of touch & just plain stupid; HHH thinks that Nipple H's just a victim, but he's wrong, as Orton's the victim here, he just wanted to mind his own business & continue his career but oh no, the McMahons couldn't leave him alone, they had to drag him into their business; weeks ago, WWE Owner Vince McMahon insulted his family & when he was about to fire the Legend Killer, he kicked the McMahonopolizer in the skull; then when WWE Executive Vice President & WCW "Owner" Shane McMahon came after him @ No Way Out, he wouldn't leave well enough alone, he challenged Orton & forced him to what he promised to do, put him into the hospital right next to his old man; then there's Stepho-Mac, the last time she got in Randy's face, she slapped him. . .  she thinks she can do whatever she wants, whenever she pleases, just because of her last name, but when she got up in his grill again, the Legend Killer's instincts kicked in; the WWE Universe has no idea what he goes through, what it's like to be @ the top of their professions, he does things that they can only fantasize about, constantly being scrutinized by the public, they have no idea how much pressure he's under, but the McMahons do; Stephanie should've known better, but he can only hope that the Game's children were watching last week, so that they can learn from their mother's mistakes; backstage, the Cerebral Assassin's seen heading toward the ring, his own sledgehammer in hand & not even ECWWE's Todd Grisham can dissuade him from his single-minded mission; sauntering into the ring, seemingly oblivious to the presence of Ted DiBiase Junior & Cody Rhodes, the King of Kings faces down the Legend Killer, who chooses that moment to start negotiating, suggesting that they both set down their mutual implements of cranial destruction & talk about this man-to-3-men; reluctantly, the Smackdown Heavyweight champion sets down his sledgehammer & removes his biker jacket, then Randy sets down his own hammer & the Legacy start to circle HHH, who gets the upper hand & snatched his sledgehammer back up again, chasing ORton, Rhodes & DiBiase backstage, where they lock themselves into an office, barricading the door with a desk & a couch, then, when the Game has Randy & Ted cornered, he bashes a mirror swinging for the fences {as in, the back of Randy's head, through the front of it!}, allowing them to escape, running past Cryme Tyme & other backstage personnel, until they get to their rental car as seen earlier in the show, which's being driven by the recently-disappeared Rhodes & the King of Kings makes sure they don't get their damage deposit back, as he breaks out 1 of the windows while they make their escape

02/24/09 originating on the Sci-Fi Network {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night

2008 Slammy-Award-Winning commentating by Matt Striker & Todd Grisham

from the Summet Center in Nashville, Tennessee;  now in WWE~HD

"World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry beats DJ Gabriel with a 'World's Strongest Slam' Fallforward Slam {PSYCHOLOGY: this ain't no Dancing With the WWE Superstars!}

a video package plays, hyping the pending return of Evan "Air" Bourne

Tyson Kidd defeats Matt Boyce with a 'Dungeonmaster' Springboard Elbowdrop {PSYCHOLOGY: makes me wonder how much we're gonna see from this guy ~ hopefully no untimely injuries or Wellness Policy violations will stand in his way!}

WWE Home Video presents "The Best of Saturday Night's Main Event", "Armageddon 2009" & "WWE Legends of Wrestling Collection", available now @ all major DVD retailers & @ www.WWEShop.com

DID YOU KNOW. . . last month, over 100,000,000 photos of WWE ringside action were viewed on www.WWE.com! . . . ; betcha Smackdown Heavyweight champion HHH knew that, as a video package plays, running down what RAW's "Legend Killer" Randy Orton did to his father-in-law Vince McMahon, his brother-in-law Shane McMahon & his wife Stephanie McMahon

"Innovator of Extreme" Tommy Dreamer pins Paul Burchill with a 'TD Innovation' Implant DDT {PSYCHOLOGY: the Shepherd of Chicanery's handed a loss, thanks in part to the Boogeyman, who makes like most heterosexual men & tries to haul Katie Lea under the ring!}

MAIN EVENT, ECWWE HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: champion "All-American American" Jack Swagger beats Christian with an 'Orthodontist's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: so let me get this straight ~ ECWWE had exactly as many matches as TNA iMPACT! this week ~ man, that's gotta sting for all the TNA fanboys out there. . .  but I suppose they'll all be too busy arguing that the quality of the TNA matches was higher, I guess!}

* * * * *

S ~ M ~ A ~ C ~ K ~ D ~ O ~ W ~ N

02/27/09 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}

commentating by Tazz & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross

from the Rose Garden Arena in Portland, Oregon; now in WWE~HD

RAW's John Cena abba-joos to the ring, where he Thuganomics about being fired up & having something special for the WWE Universe, the Chain Gang Commander on Smackdown; now he knows what everybody's thinking, he hasn't been on Friday nights in, like, 2 years, but it's largely the same besides that ~ Tazz & Michael Cole are still doing commentary, although. . .  there's something subtly different about him, he looks a whole helluva lot like 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross nowadays. . .  they're on MyNetwork now, he didn't even realize that he had a network. . .  & of course there's a new Smackdown Heavyweight champion, which previously was held by a coward, but that coward now has the RAW Heavyweight title, so since he did promise that he was gonna come after his title, he's here to get an answer from either the champ or the General Manager; surprisingly enough, it's the former, who smarms out onto the ring entrance ramp stage &  standing aghast @ the fact that the Doctor of Thuganomics actually showed; Edge says that, if Cena wants a rematch, then they should do it, but GM Vickie Guerrero says no way, her husband may be a warrior & never backs down from a challenge, but he won't even be competing tonight; John figured something like this would happen, since they're not gonna have a match & this is a special appearance for the Chain Gang Commander, he promised to get his hands on the RAted-R Superstar tonight & he doesn't plan on disappointing; as Cena starts heading up the ramp, Mamacita Heat stops him, stating that, although he mightn't be able to face the Conniving Canuck tonight, maybe he'll have some fun with the Big Show instead

a video package plays, showing the strong & buff Gail Kim waiting to have her re-debut on Smackdown

SMACKDOWN VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL, SMACKDOWN TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: Tag Team champions Dos Colons (Carlito Caribbean Cool & Primo Colon) versus RAW Tag Team champions, ECWWE's Altered Reality (John Morrison & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin); 3C defeats Morrison with a 'Backstabber' Cradling Falling Backbreaker {PSYCHOLOGY: it was close, though!}; after the match, the Bella Twins take oh-so-little persuasion to convince them to accompany Carlito & Primo backstage

WWE Home Video presents "The Best of Saturday Night's Main Event", "Armageddon 2009" & "WWE Legends of Wrestling Collection", available now @ all major DVD retailers & @ www.WWEShop.com

WRESTLEMANIA 25. . .  37 DAYS AWAY. . .

Vladimir Kozlov pins the UnderTaker with a Powerslam {PSYCHOLOGY: snatching him from an "Old School" trip across the top ropes, it looked like the Moscow Mauler was just getting warmed up for his match against 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels on RAW next week!}

DID YOU KNOW. . . last month, over 100,000,000 photos of WWE Divas were viewed on www.WWE.com! . . . ; betcha Matt Hardy knew that, as he prepares to take on his younger brother in the following match, but 1st, Jeff Hardy comes on down to the ring & declares that he's not gonna fight his older brother, he's always been there for the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior in the past & he just can't handle the idea of facing off against his sibling; the former Mattitude Practitioner states that this isn't about Jeff, it's about Matt for once, since everything's always been about the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior in the past; the WWE Universe make Matt sick when they cheer for Jeff & he's also had to swallow the fact that his own career's floundered while his younger brother's has skyrocketed, even though Matt's the more-talented Hardy; so is it any wonder that the former Mattitude Practitioner blames the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior for all his woes, he dares his younger brother to fight him, if he's not a coward; after a few resounding slaps to the mouth reverb throughout the arena, Jeff leaves the ring, but stops ½-way up the entrance ramp shows his bother that he's #1

WRESTLEMANIA 25th ANNIVERSARY MOMENT: March 27th, 1988, WrestleMania 4 debuted the very 1st 'Mania from Trump Plaza; there was a tournament to determine the new WWF Heavyweight champion, which was ultimately "Macho Man" Randy Savage. . .  but only a year later @ WrestleMania 5 {my personal favourite} the Mega Powers exploded, as Savage took on his partner, the immortal Hulk Hogan, who went on to become the 2-time WWF Heavyweight champion

Montell Vontell Vontavius Porter joins the Human Suplex Machine & the Boomer Sooner @ ringside for special guest commentary on the following match, where Chavo Guerrero Junior beats United States champion "Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin with a Small Package in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: nice! . . .}; after the match, while Benjamin's still feeling the sting from that somewhat surprising loss, MVP jumps into the ring & delivers a 'Drive By' Running Bicycle Kick to the Gold Standard

a video package plays, hyping the pending debut of John Cena's new movie "12 Rounds", where he plays a New Orleans police officer who has to rescue his kidnapped girlfriend by passing 12 tests set up by a homicidal maniac from his past; in theatres March 27th; MAIN EVENT, SMACKDOWN VERSUS RAW INTER-PROMOTIONAL MATCH: Smackdown's Big Show defeats RAW's John Cena with a 'Goozle' Chokeslam {PSYCHOLOGY: a inverted retelling of the WrestleMania 20 opening match, when then-United States champion TBS lost his gold to none other than the Doctor of Thuganomics!}; after the match, Heavyweight champion Edge gets all up in Cena's grill, even though his grill's about as down as it can get, accompanying the rest of his unconscious body on the mat

 

*PLEASE NOTE*
The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some tag team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.

* * * * *

R ~ A ~ W

02/16/09 originating on USA Network {in the United States} & simulcast on the Score {in Canada}

commentating by WWE Hall-of-Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole

from the Spokane Arena in spokane, Washington; now in WWE~HD

Smackdown General Manager Vickie Guerrero milfs out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where she introduces her husband & RAW's new Heavyweight champion, Edge, who smarms his way out to her side & escorts Mamacita Heat to the ring, where the Rated-R Superstar declares that the "R" stands for "Remarkable", "Resplendant" or "Really Really Smart", since he's a Smackdown Superstar who's now the RAW Heavyweight champion, who had the brains to get himself interjected into that brand's Elimination Chamber match @ No Way Out by taking out Kofi Kingston & taking his place, after being eliminated from Smackdown's equivalent match, thus losing his own title; he could've been like the entire WWE Universe & given up after that loss, like some sorta Loser Turtle & crawled into his shell to fester in his defeat, but the Conniving Canuck's a much better class of person than that; for Edge, failure's not an option, so after being pinned in the 1st Elimination Chamber so quickly, he heard the WWE Universe mocking him for being such a douchebag getting some comeuppance, but he proved himself to be the smarter cookie; scampering around ringside & accusing every fan of being wrong about his supposed loss last night, but he's a living, breathing, walking miracle; Jesus turned water into wine & the Rated-R Superstar turned the RAW Heavyweight title into the Smackdown Heavyweight title; Vickie speaks up, stating that anybody who didn't see what went down last night, RAW General Manager Stephanie McMahon accompanied her brother Shane McMahon to the hospital after his match against "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, thus leaving Guerrero as the highest-ranking official in WWE. . .  so naturally, when Kofi found himself mysteriously unable to compete in the RAW Heavyweight title Elimination Chamber match, she was forced to proclaim a  suitable substitute, who just happened to be her husband, Kingston's attacker; after speaking with the WWE Board of Directors, Mamacita Heat proudly declares that Edge's now the new Heavyweight champion & even though the WWE Universe mightn't like it, they're all going to have to accept it; John Cena abba-joos to the ring, where he thanks the fans for the response, but he's unsure as to whether the WWE Universe'll like what he has to say next. . .  namely, to congratulate the Rated-R Superstar for his accomplishment from last night's pay-per-view & a lesser Superstar might threaten a lawsuit or an injunction to shut down WrestleMania 25. . .  but that's not the Chain Gang Commander's style; how the Conniving Canuck got into that match's irrelevent, but what's important's that he got into it & won, so here's the new Heavyweight champion; Edge was right earlier when he said that the "R" in Rated-R Superstar stands for a great many thing. . .  "Remarkable". . .  "Really Really Lucky". . .  "Right Place, Right Time". . .  "Rematch"; well, in case the Doctor of Thuganomics didn't hear, Edge competed in not 1, but 2 Elimination Chambers @ No Way Out, so he may not compete for another week, so therefore if Cena wants a match, he'll have to come to Smackdown; well, that's true enough, John doesn't want the Rated-R Superstar to have any excuses, so once he goes & says hello to Festus Dalton & "Kung" Fu-Naki, then. . .  does whatever he does with the Smackdown General Manager. . .  he just had some thoughts & threw up in his mouth a little bit. . .  but as it was just declared that Edge's officially the Heavyweight champion, it's also official that he gets a rematch; ho ho ha ha, the Conniving Canuck'd forgotten about Cena's rapier wit, so perhaps a little reminder of their history's in order. . .  remember when Edge 1st cashed in his "Money in The Bank" #1 Contendership briefcase & defeated the Chain Gang Commander's Heavyweight title. . .  or how about when the Rated-R Superstar went to the Cena family home & beat down John Cena Senior, good times. . .  well, the Doctor of Thuganomics can come out here & demand his rematch all he wants, but that doesn't change the fact that the champ's here, in the guise of the Smackdown Superstar; if the Conniving Canuck tries to hide, Cena'll find him. . .  if Edge tries to run, John'll catch him & they'll fight; meanwhile, in the RAW General Manager's office, WWE Executive Vice President & WCW Owner Shane McMahon calls out "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, proclaiming that the WWE Heir Apparent's on his way to the ring & expects the 3rd-Generation Superstar to join him in an Unsanctioned match, no interference from anybody, so that either way, this ends tonight

WRESTLEMANIA 25. . .  47 DAYS AWAY. . .

6-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH: C~T~P (Intercontinental champion CM Punk & Cryme Tyme {JTG & Shad Gaspard}) versus a Pedigree of Fisticuffs (William Regal & Pricele$$ {Ted DiBiase Junior & Cody Rhodes}); DiBiase pins JTG with a 'Dream Street' Cobra Clutching Side Russian Legsweep {PSYCHOLOGY: I wonder if I'm the fan who remembers when Cryme Tyme were the #1 Contenders for the Tag Team titles?}

in the General Manager's office, Stephanie McMahon begs her brother, WWE Executive Vice President & WCW Owner Shane McMahon, not to go after "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, he was barely able to remember his own name last night @ the hospital, she was by his side all night; well, if it's any consolation, Orton's gonna be in the same condition that Shano-Mac's in. . .  but Nipple H reminds him that Randy never spent the night in the hospital, he's not thinking clearly; never mind all of Stepho-Mac's kooky "logic". this fight happens tonight, whether the Legend Killer wants it to, or not

DID YOU KNOW. . . last year, WWE had the #1 DVD on the Sports Charts for 33 weeks! . . . ; betcha Chris Jericho knew that, as he Ayatollah of Rock & Rollahs to the ring & remind us that the Academy Awards are this Sunday, so if any of the Academy members are watching tonight, he begs them not to vote for Mickey Rourke as Best Actor in "The Wrestler", as it'll likely start an unfortunate chain of events in motion that'll send a message to all the WWE Hall of Famers, Legends & washed-up has-been losers that are begging for 1 more shot @ success that they can make a miracle comeback & get another shot @ the brass ring; the only man who's willing to tell these wash-outs that their time's over's Y2J, but @ least he knows why the WWE Universe cheers for these yahoos, it's because they're shallow insecure human beings just like the fans, who need to all be shut down & shut up for their own goods; they can boo all they want, but they're booing an honest man {well, I was saying "Boo-Erico!"}; WWE Hall of Famer "Rowdy" Roddy Piper saunters out to the ring in that still-way-cool leather jacket, where he promises to "shoot" with the King of My World, if he's so keen on honesty. . .  Piper's watched the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions for most of his career & has actually liked what he saw. . .  he said what was on his mind & had the guts to come in the ring & back it up, it reminded Hot Rod of somebody he knew; so now, he gets on television & running his mouth, calling all the Legends & Hall of Famers out, what's the deal; Jericho used to be entertaining, but now he's just patronizing his betters, telling them what they should & shouldn't do, so allow Brother Rodney to quote Jericho, exclaiming he should shut the hell up; when the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah attempts his retort, the WWE Hall of Famer proclaims that he's not finished yet, going on to say that Mickey Rourke's a fine man who made a fine movie that made the Hot Rod cry after he saw it. . .  it wasn't a movie about Legends making another go @ fame, it was about the honour & respect they have for everybody, about the physical & emotional pain that all Legends go through, as well as for the thrill of performing; 2007 WWE Hall of Famer "Nature Boy" Ric Flair was right, they live for this; the Rowdy 1 constantly has fans coming up to him, telling him that they remember when he slapped 1980s Television & Movie Star Mister T, he has people come up to him & say that when their grandfather was alive they watch Piper shave Adrian Adonis' head. . .  & Jericho wants to destroy these moments; last year, 24,000 WWE Universers jumped to their feet & applauded as both he & fellow WWE Hall of Famer "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka took part in the Royal Rumble, it felt to him like he was back in the 1st WrestleMania, that was the thrill of a lifetime for Hot Rod; Piper has 1 hip & he hurts all the time, but as long as these folks here say so, he'll crawl down to this ring on his hands & knees to give them 1 more unforgettable moment, because old school's cool; his witty retort evidently forgotten, Y2J bashes Brother Rodney in the chops, demanding that if he wants to crawl for the WWE Universe, he's welcome to go beg for respect on his hands & knees

backstage, ECWWE's Todd Grisham bothers "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, who has no problem fighting WWE Executive Vice President & WCW Owner Shane McMahon, but what he does have a problem with is the implication that he needs Pricele$$ to do his dirty work ~ Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior weren't there when Orton punted WWE Owner Vince McMahon in the head, nor were they anywhere nearby when Randy defeated Shano-Mac @ No Way Out last night & they won't be there later on tonight; if the WWE Heir Apparent wants this match to only be finished when somebody isn't moving. . .  well, the Legend Killer thinks he can arrange something to suitably satisfy that criteria

WRESTLEMANIA 25th ANNIVERSARY MOMENT: April 4th, 1993, WrestleMania 9 saw Las Vegas transformed into Imperial Rome, as 1 of the most colourful WrestleManias began, with the late Gorilla Monsoon giving the proverbial thumbs-up for the upcoming show; the WWF Announcers & Superstars presented the world's largest toga party, in which the most provocative & bizarre yet memorable experiences imaginable; although a plethora of titles were on the line that night, the hungry throng was only satisfied by the Heavyweight title match, where champion Bret "HitMan" Hart fell victim to the gargantuan {& also late} challenger Yokozuna, who later fell to the dreaded Legdrop of Doom from the Immortal Hulk Hogan; back in the arena, Jamie Knoble's in the ring, proclaiming that 'Mania's the single-greatest wrestling event in the sport's history, even though he's never personally taken part in a "Money in The Bank" #1 Contendership Ladder Match, nor danced with the likewise-late Liberace {God bless his talented soul}, but this year, he's gonna get his big WrestleMania moment & he's not gonna fumble; ECWWE's Chavo Guerrero Junior only made it 9 seconds against Kane to defend his Heavyweight title last year, but the former Jung Dragon will certainly do better than that; the Bald Red Machine defeats Knoble with a 'Goozle' 1-Handed Chokeslam {PSYCHOLOGY: in 16 seconds!}

WWE Home Video presents "The Best of Saturday Night's Main Event", "Armageddon 2009" & "WWE Legends of Wrestling Collection", available now @ all major DVD retailers & @ www.WWEShop.com

John Brad$haw Layfield smarms to the ring, where he states that, as of last night @ No Way Out, 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreka Kid" Shawn Michaels is no longer his employee, so he's written a very large cheque for the former Rocker last night, making him financially stable. . .  but personally, he couldn't give a ****, because if you take a bucketful of water out of the ocean, it's insignificant compared to the entire body of water, so any so-called "large" cheque that he writes for somebody to make them debt-free's really a pittance to somebody like JBL; he has more money than the entire WWE Universe'll ever have, combined; Brad$haw believed that he had a date with destiny to go to WrestleMania 25 in his home state, as the conquering hero & Heavyweight champion, so he hired the services of HBK to help ensure that; but after No Way Out last night, Layfield had an epiphany ~ those goals weren't lofty enough for such an awesome Superstar like JBL, so he instead now sets his sights on immortality ~ he's going to end the Streak, 16-0 @ WrestleMania, Smackdown's UnderTaker's the answer to John's quandary. . .  now that'd be a legacy fit for a Wrestling. . .  God; enter the Showstopper, who Sexy Boys to the ring & states that he had an epiphany last night too, he's no longer Shawn Michaels, Employee of the Month or Struggling Family Man ~ naw, he's once again the Main Event & Mister WrestleMania ~ free @ last, free @ last; a month ago @ the Royal Rumble he was told by a man that you have to go through Hell to get to Heaven & that man was the Dead Man, he was right. . .  but as Shawn stands here today, no longer under the tyrannical heel of JBL with 'Mania on the horizon, he realized that he's living Heaven on Earth; so naturally, there's no better man to face 'Taker @ WrestleMania ~ the man who revolutionized the Ladder Match, who ziplined to the ring & won the Heavyweight title in a 1-hour Iron Man Match, who had the 2008 Match of the Year, all @ WrestleManias & since this is only a 2-hour show, he's gonna stop reaming off his credentials right there; it seems to Brad$haw that having the ability to pay his bills has given Michaels a resurgeance of confidence, as ending the UnderTaker's winning streak @ WrestleMania's Layfield's job; well, it's a good thing that John can't tell Shawn what to do anymore, as he challenges JBL to a match next week on RAW, the winner of which gets to challenge the Phenom to take on his winning streak @ 'Mania, which John accepts; Shawn reminds Layfield that the match'll be a little different than any previous encounter he's had with the HeartBreak Kid in past months, as when Brad$haw hits Michaels, the Showstopper's gonna hit back @ the grandest stage of them all

Rey Mysterio Junior pins Mike Knox with a Roll-Up {PSYCHOLOGY: the Littlest Big Man was really showing the aftereffects of the Elimination Chamber from No Way Out!}

DID YOU KNOW. . . last month, over 100,000,000 photos of WWE Divas were viewed on www.WWE.com! . . . ; betcha Women's champion Melina Perez knew that, as she struts to the ring for the following MAIN EVENT, RAW WOMENS TITLE MATCH: Perez beats "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix with a 'School Girl' Roll-Up {PSYCHOLOGY: while Mickie James, Candice Michelle Beckman & Kelly Kelly brawl with Santino Marella & Rosa Mendez @ ringside!}

in the General Manager's office, Stephanie McMahon's on her cell phone, asking somebody where they are, she needs them as fast as they can possibly get here, the Unsanctioned Fight between "Legend Killer" Randy Orton & her brother, WWE Executive Vice President & WCW Owner Shane McMahon's up next. . .  hello? . . .  hello!? . . . ; a well-padded Shano-Mac & a well-oiled Rand-O head on down to ringside, where the duo duke it out out into the crowd, abusing each other in & around the ring, until the WWE Heir Apparent sticks a steel chair between the middle & bottom ropes, in anticipation of applying a 'Coast to Coast' Top-Rope Suicide Dropkick, until Legacy storm the ring & take down the WCW Owner, leaving him wide-open for a melon-punt from the Legend Killer that leaves Shano-Mac unconscious; General Manager Stephanie McMahon milfs to the ring, followed by the trainer, the latter attending to the fallen Executive Vice President & the former getting set up for an 'RKO' Modified Ace Crusher. . .  until Smackdown's HHH storms the ring to make the save on his wife, sending Orton, DiBiase & Rhodes scampering backstage & leaving the Game enraged in the ring, eyeballing his fellow former Evolution member

02/17/09 originating on the Sci-Fi Network {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night

2008 Slammy-Award-Winning commentating by Matt Striker & Todd Grisham

from the Spokane Arena in Spokane, Washington;  now in WWE~HD

Paul Burchill defeats the Boogeyman with a 'School Boy' Roll Up {PSYCHOLOGY: apparently, the former Pirate went all Christian Bale on a lighting tech backstage during a WWE Mobile Exclusive, so as "punishment" he was pitted against ol' Boogey}; after the match, Katie Lea can't get away from the worms fast enough, which unfortunately leaves WWE's Grossest Superstar Since Bastion Booger disappointed & my own breakfast intact

DID YOU KNOW. . . last Tuesday, ECWWE was SciFi Channel's most watched show for the 20th week in a row! . . . ; betcha RAW Tag Team co-champion John Morrison knew that, as he pins "Innovator of Violence" Tommy Dreamer with a 'Moonlight Driver' Cartwheeling Neckbreaker {PSYCHOLOGY: I didn't even know that the DDT was named for Dichloral Difenal Trichlorafane ~ how's that sit with ya, poo-dollars!}

backstage, Fit Finlay's seen training his son Hornswaggle, alternating between holding up his hands for Horny to box & feeding him some cake, when Christian walks in & proclaims the little guy a handful; so he has to know whether or not he's gonna be a problem during their Tag Team match against Heavyweight champion "All-American American" Jack Swagger & "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry, but Captain Charisma shouldn't worry, Finlay'll make sure his son holds up his end of the bargain, as long as the Peeps' Champion holds up his

WWE Home Video presents "The Best of Saturday Night's Main Event", "Armageddon 2009" & "WWE Legends of Wrestling Collection", available now @ all major DVD retailers & @ www.WWEShop.com

a video package plays, hyping the pending return of Evan "Air" Bourne

Tyson Kidd beats Caden Mathews with a 'Dungeonmaster' Springboard Elbowdrop {PSYCHOLOGY: had this all typed up during Tyson's entrance ~ too bad they have to virtually waste Natalya Neidhart while they're @ it!}

WRESTLEMANIA 25th ANNIVERSARY MOMENT: March 29th, 1998, WrestleMania 14 saw the Intercontinental champion the Rock telling Gennifer Flowers that, if he were on the Supreme Court, he'd be a hung jury. . .  Pete Rose started his "heated rivalry" with Kane, receiving his 1st 'Tombstone' Elevated Piledriver from the Big Red Machine. . .  onto more serious news, StoneCold Steve Austin took it to Heavyweight champion & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, with a little assistance from boxer & Special Guest Ring Enforcer "Iron" Mike Tyson, thus beginning the Austin Era & arguably the WWE Attitude Era

backstage, Ricky Ortiz reminds "Innovator of Extreme" Tommy Dreamer that he was the 1st Superstar to welcome the rookie to WWE, also offering some advise, so now it's Ricky's turn to doll out some sage words. . .  he's the heart & soul of ECWWE & he shouldn't forget that. . .  Rally Up!

joining StoneCold Steve Austin in the 2009 WWE Hall of Fame, Terry & Dory Funk Junior are announced as the latest inductees, to be inducted by fellow WWE Hall of Famer "American Dream" Dusty Rhodes

MAIN EVENT, TAG TEAM MATCH: Fit As Beavers (Fit Finlay & Christian) versus the World's Americanest Men (Heavyweight champion "All-American American" Jack Swagger & "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry); the Peeps Champion defeats the All-American American with an 'Unprettier' Crucifix Faceplant {PSYCHOLOGY: why are they pushing Captain Charisma to the top of the Contendership ladder, it's a lot like when Dave "The Animal" Batista was pushed to fast in the Royal Rumble a few years ago, while he was still in Evolution}

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S ~ M ~ A ~ C ~ K ~ D ~ O ~ W ~ N

02/20/09 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}

commentating by Tazz & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross

from the Rose Garden in Portland, Oregon; now in WWE~HD

RAW Heavyweight champion Edge smarms to the ring, where he knows that the entire WWE Universe wanted him to come to the ring this week without the Smackdown Heavyweight title, just so that they could boo & jeer him for losing the title because they've never accomplished anything in their lives. . .  but the Rated-R Superstar's a winner, not a loser, he seizes opportunities, he makes the best of every chance that's put in front of him, which's what he did @ No Way Out, when he saw that Kofi Kingston couldn't participate in the RAW Elimination Chamber match, offering up his services & look what that got him, the RAW Heavyweight title; he's the 1st Superstar to compete in 2 Elimination Chamber matches in 1 night & because of that he stands before the WWE Universe as a historic 8-time Heavyweight champion; Jeff Hardy gyrates to the ring, where he declares that the Conniving Canuck did it, he walked into No Way Out as a champion & he walked out as a champion. . .  some might say that takes skill & guts, people call Edge the Ultimate Opportunist, but it all comes down to him getting special privileges due to his being married to the General Manager; it's bad enough that he has to go to RAW & address John Cena, now he has to come back home to get the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior all up in his grill too; naw, naw, it's not like all that, Hardy just wants to challenge the Rated-R Superstar for his belt; is Jeff back on the illegal substances again, he has no claim to the Conniving Canuck's title, after he was so soundly beaten this Sunday; allow Hardy to remind the RAW Heavyweight champion that, the only reason he's not still Smackdown's Heavyweight champion's because Jeff pinned him in 3 minutes; well, the match's still not gonna happen tonight, there's no way that Edge's gonna be duped into defending it; maybe the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior should just go talk to the Rated-R Superstar's boss, his wife, since she's the 1 who wears the pants, after all. . .  Vickie Guerrero pulls his strings like a puppet, Hardy wouldn't be surprised to hear that if the Conniving Canuck has to go to the bathroom, he has to raise his hand; well, dem's fightin' words, as the RAW Heavyweight champion assails Jeff, who ultimately drops the Rated-R Superstar & prances backstage

a video package plays, hyping WrestleMania 25 on April 5th in Houston, Texas; tickets available @ www.toyotacentertix.com or 1 (866) 4HOUTIX & area Randalls locations

in the General Manager's office, Vickie Guerrero has the unfortunate privilege of being introduces to Kizarny, who's quickly dismissed by RAW Heavyweight champion Edge, who's still livid that Jeff Hardy would dare insinuate that Mamacita Heat pulls his strings, the Rated-R Superstar wants him in a match tonight; well, as the GM, she can make that match happen, though she's disinclined to make it a title match. . .  but she shouldn't make that decision, because the Conniving Canuck declares it'd be stupid, but quickly apologizes for his indiscretion & contemplates his options

SMACKDOWN DIVAS TAG TEAM MATCH: Rouge, Blanc et Bleu (Michelle McCool & champion Maryse Ouellet) versus Perky As All-Get-Out (Eve Torres & Maria Kanellis); Maryse pins Eve with a Michelle-Applied Crescent Kick From the Ring Apron {PSYCHOLOGY: such sexy shenanigans!}

a video package plays, showing what happened on the Valentine's Day date, where RAW Tag Team champions, ECWWE's John Morrison & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin, treated Smackdown's Nikki & Brie Bella to a sumptuous meal, some bubbly & the Shaman of Sexy's 6-Pack, so here's to Valentine's Day with Altered Reality; but soon the night turns sour, as the Miz asks if the waiter's stupid for bringing him burnt chicken, or for putting butter on Morrison's crab legs; meanwhile, we discover that it's Smackdown Tag Team champions Carlito Caribbean Colon & Primo Colon in the kitchen, burning their chicken & buttering their crab legs, but the jerks just won't take the hint, so when Mizanin & Morrison demand a different waiter, they interpose themselves into the role, where they offer the offended party some complimentary desserts {on the house, even!}, namely some cream pies, which they aim @ Altered Reality, but instead get all over the Bella Twins

before the following match, "R-Truth" Ron Killings gets attacked by his Tag Team opponents, thus eliminating him from competition in the bout, which makes it a SMACKDOWN VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL 2-ON-1 MATCH: Smackdown's Montell Vontavius Porter versus El Dorado (Smackdown United States champion "Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin & ECWWE's Chavo Guerrero Junior); MVP beats Benjamin with a 'Drive By' Running Bicycle Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: steadily on the rise, straying seriously away from that losing streak that's been plaguing Porter!}

the official WrestleMania 25 theme's "Shoot To Thrill" by AC~DC, available now

WWE Home Video presents "The Best of Saturday Night's Main Event", "Armageddon 2009" & "WWE Legends of Wrestling Collection", available now @ all major DVD retailers & @ www.WWEShop.com

DID YOU KNOW. . . last year, WWE had more live events in Europe than the National Basketball, Hockey & Football Leagues combined! . . . ; betcha Heavyweight champion HHH knew that, as a video package plays, showing the Game being interviewed by WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross, letting us know that his thoughts are that RAW's "Legend Killer" Randy Orton's been walking a fine line for a while now, but now he's put his hands on the Cerebral Assassin's wife {WWE Executive Vice President & ECW "Owner" Stephanie McMahon}, as well as his father-in-law {WWE Owner Vince McMahon} & his brother-in-law {WWE Executive Vice President & WCW "Owner" Shane McMahon}, all of which the King of Kings takes very seriously; Randy's crossed a line, 1 he can't come back from. . .  Nipple H's the mother of the Heavyweight champion's children, so naturally the interview's over now, seeya JR

Umaga defeats Scotty Goldman with a 'Jungle Hate Ow-Ee-Ow-Ee-Ow' Samoan Spike {PSYCHOLOGY: boy he wants to jobya-jobya!}

General Manager Vickie Guerrero milfs to the ring, where she questions who RAW's John Brad$haw Layfield & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels think they are, but the last time she looked, she was in charge of things on Friday nights, so the only man who's qualified in her eyes to challenge the UnderTaker's WrestleMania winning streak, would be the man who's undefeated in Singles competition, Vladimir Kozlov, who's set to face the Phenom next week in Singles competition, just to prove his case; the Moscow Mauler Russkies about something or other, then promises to go to RAW & destroy HBK &/or JBL, then break 'Taker @ 'Mania

WRESTLEMANIA 25. . .  44 DAYS AWAY. . .

MAIN EVENT MATCH: Jeff Hardy beats RAW Heavyweight champion Edge via Disqualification after ECWWE's Matt Hardy Interferes with a 'Twist of Hate' Twisting Neckbreaker in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: awww, c'mon, it wasn't even for the title!}; after the match, the former Mattitude Practitioner challenges his brother next week, 1-on-1. . .  then, as the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior's just about recovered from his brother's attack, the Rated-R Superstar drops him with a 'Spear' Charging Shouldertackle

 

*PLEASE NOTE*
The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some tag team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.

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R ~ A ~ W

02/02/09 originating on USA Network {in the United States} & simulcast on the Score {in Canada}

commentating by WWE Hall-of-Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole

from the Scott Trade Center in St. Louis, Missouri; now in WWE~HD

WWE Executive Vice President & WCW Owner Shane McMahon ching-ching-bling-blings to the ring, where he states that last week, after RAW went off the air, he was approached by "Legend Killer" Randy Orton's legal team & was, quite frankly, surprised by what they had to say to him ~ they didn't mention the injunction or the lawsuit against World Wrestling Entertainment, nor pressing any assault charges against Shano-Mac himself. . .  no, Orton wants to face McMahon @ No Way Out & he's accepted; so this week's official, the contracts have been executed, so it's gonna be the Legend Killer & the Heir Apparent in a No Holds Barred match; after the dishonourable & deplorable actions that Randy committed against WWE Owner Vince McMahon a few weeks ago, Shane's not gonna go for the 1-2-3, he's out for vengeance. . .  & to think that Orton had the audacity to propose an injunction against WrestleMania itself, to take it away from the WWE Universe. . .  naw, that ain't gonna happen; McMahon's gonna do everything in his power & even sacrifice his body, to ensure that the Legend Killer won't be able to compete @ 'Mania; well dem's fightin' words, as Randy saunters out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where he proclaims Shane to be pretty sure of himself. . .  but then again, after what Shano-Mac pulled off last week, he wouldn't put anything past the Heir Apparent anymore ~ he beat up the 3 top Superstars in the WWE, but then again, maybe Orton just made a decision & told Pricele$$ not to fight back, they didn't really do anything more than contain McMahon; after seeing the entire RAW~ster behind Shano-Mac last week, Randy knew that the odds went from 3-on-1, to 20-on-3 & he wasn't gonna put his Legacy in that position; now he has a match against the WWE Heir Apparent @ No Way Out without any consequences, so if the Legend Killer were Shano-Mac, he'd call up that hospital where Vinnie-Mac's checked in, because after Randy's done with Shane, Vince'll have some company; after methodically laying his microphone down on the ramp, Randy starts heading down toward the ring, where Shane's ready for him. . .  even ready for all of Legacy to enter the ring from behind him, as a Kendo stick appears magically & takes a piece off of Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase Junior & "Legend Killer" Randy Orton

DID YOU KNOW. . . last Tuesday, more people watched ECWWE than any other program on MTV, VH-1, A&E, Comedy Central or CW! . . . ; betcha these Superstars & Divas knew that, as they take part in the following MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH: Flail Britannia (Layla El & William Regal) versus Straight-Edge As an Arrow (Mickie James & Intercontinental champion CM Punk); Regal pins Punk with a Knee to The Head {PSYCHOLOGY: ouchies!}

TAG TEAM MATCH: Pricele$$ (Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior) versus Cryme Tyme (Shad Gaspard & JTG); Shad beats DiBiase via Disqualification After Rhodes Interfered {PSYCHOLOGY: thugnificent!}

WRESTLEMANIA 25. . .  62 DAYS AWAY. . .

Chris Jericho Ayatollah of Rock & Rollahs to the ring, where he clarifies his comments he made to Mickie Rourke ~ Y2J respects the actor for his performance in "The Wrestler", but he was waiting for Rourke to back pedal his way out of a match with the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions; meanwhile, the King of My World still has a problem with Mickey's portrayal, as it glorifies the old has-beens **** still hanging on, long past their primes ~ men like WWE Hall of Famers "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka & Rourke's dear & close personal friend, "Nature Boy" Ric Flair. . .  the worst of the lot, as he doesn't know how to bow out gracefully, he's had a storybook career, 16 Heavyweight championships & the world's most awesome retirement match last year @ WrestleMania 24; Slick Ric should be living in a mansion, spending quality time with his friends & family, but instead he's going to autograph signings, giving tell-all interviews with low-rent websites {do websites have rent? . . .}, hoarding out his face & name recognition to anybody with a paycheque & that's pathetic; 1 more shot @ the spotlight & the Nature Boy has a sickness, so Jericho demands that WWE revoke the status of supposed Hall of Famers, which allows them to live off their names with inflated views of their remaining relevance; here comes Heavyweight champion John Cena, who calls shenanigans on Chris' rant, if it wasn't for the Legends that Y2J's talking about, he wouldn't even be able to stand in that ring; Jericho walks down to that ring, in his fancy suit, acting like he has these big words to say, but everybody's onto his game, the entire WWE Universe knows he's an idiot; he calls out all those Hall of Famers for living on past glory, when it's the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah who himself continuously plugs the fact that he's the 1st-ever WWE Undisputed champion. . .  he calls out Legends on not knowing when to walk away from the business, when the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions was fired. . .  twice! . . . & now he's back & still won't shut up; every word Jericho says, makes the Doctor of Thuganomics angrier & angrier, as there are a number of things that the Chain Gang Commander respects & Chris has an annoying habit of crossing the line on every 1 of them; when the King of My World insulted the WWE Universe, General Manager Stephanie McMahon made him get down on his knees & apologize, so Cena's not gonna harp on that; tonight, they have a match & Jericho needs to be shut up, so John's gonna shut Chris up the only way he knows how, to knock Y2J's teeth down his throat

TAG TEAM MATCH: the Bludgeon Brothers (Mike Knox & Kane) versus the Mistery Kings (Rey Mysterio Junior & Kofi Kingston); the Bald Red Machine defeats Rey-Rey with a 'Goozle' 1-Handed Chokeslam  {PSYCHOLOGY: 3 Tag Team matches in a row?}

backstage, General Manager Stephanie McMahon's telling her bother, WWE Executive Vice President & WCW Owner Shane McMahon, how important No Way Out is & whether he's sure he wants to face "Legend Killer" Randy Orton in a No Hold Barred match & OH DEAR LORD, HERE COME LEGACY BEATING DOWN ON SHANO-MAC! . . . ; the NO WAY OUT CARD SO FAR: 6-Man "Elimination Chamber" Smackdown Heavyweight title match, champion Edge versus the Big Show versus HHH versus the UnderTaker versus 2 more entrants. . .  6-Man "Elimination Chamber" RAW Heavyweight title match, champion John Cena versus Kofi Kingston versus Chris Jericho versus Mike Knox versus Rey Mysterio Junior versus 1 more entrant. . .  No Holds Barred match, "Legend Killer" Randy Orton versus WWE Executive Vice President & WCW Owner Shane McMahon

WRESTLEMANIA 25th ANNIVERSARY MOMENT: March 20th, 1994, WrestleMania 10 returned to the arena where it all began a decade previous, Madison Square Garden; 2 Harts competed, as WWF Heavyweight champion Bret "HitMan" Hart took on his brother Owen in this non-title match, then 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels made wrestling history with the 1st Ladder match on pay-per-view, against Razor Ramon to determine the undisputed Intercontinental champion, in 2 of the greatest matches in WrestleMania history

DID YOU KNOW. . . last Friday, more men watched Smackdown than 20/20 or Dateline! . . . ; betcha Candice Michelle Beckman knew that, as she heads to the ring for the following RAW DIVAS MATCH: "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix pins Candice with a 'Glam Slam' Elevated Wheelbarrow Faceplant {PSYCHOLOGY: splat goes the pretty former Playboy model!}

the official theme for No Way Out's "Hunt You Down" by Saliva, available now

John Brad$haw Layfield pompouses to the ring for the live Employee Performance Appraisal on his lackey, 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, as something that employees do to assess the value of their employees; the Showstopper Sexy Boys to the ring, where JBL reminds HBK that a few months ago, he bailed out Michaels from financial destitution, brought on by years of fast living & bad saving practices, as well has hand-outs to friends & family when they needed it. . .  so Layfield fulfilled his end of the proposal; that's the difference between great business men like Brad$haw & amateurs, he had no altruistic of quixotic view of what he was doing, he knew perfectly well that he'd be getting paid back for his efforts, in labour ~ he needed Mister WrestleMania to enable him to win the Heavyweight championship going into the 25th anniversary of the Granddaddy of Them All, but did Shawn fulfill his end of the deal; John hired Michaels to get him to 'Mania & he's done any number of shameful things to that end, he even laid down for Brad$haw, the HeartBreak Kid put JBL on top of Heavyweight champion John Cena @ the Royal Rumble & last week, when HBK was about to defeat the Chain Gang Commander, Layfield interfered, therefore costing himself a spot in the Elimination Chamber @ No Way Out in 2 weeks. . .  so, as far as Shawn's concerned, in this business relationship, the blame doesn't go on him, it falls easily onto the shoulders of John Brad$haw Layfield; no, the answer's no, Shawn didn't live up to his end of the bargain, just like he failed @ his finances & his family, he failed JBL, he's put up with more from the Showstopper than he every anticipated being humanly possible, which makes Layfield think that he should release Michaels from his contract; to be honest, what Shawn wants is to kick Layfield's teeth down his throat, which's what John'd expect, but if HBK does that, then JBL fires him & he goes bankrupt ~ if Mister WrestleMania does that, he causes his family problems, not just himself; so Layfield makes Shawn a proposal, a match pitting the 2 against each other, if Michaels wins, then Brad$haw pays him everything that he owes him & HBK's a free man. . .  but if JBL wins, then he owns the HeartBreak Kid's name, he works for the smug millionaire for the rest of his life; it's all or nothing, if Layfield wants to make a movie about Shawn's life, then he makes it, HBK stars in it & JBL rakes in all the profit. . .  if he wants the Showstopper to promote Layfield Energy, or build a restaurant named "Shawn Michaels" & he wants the HeartBreak Kid to wear a monkey suit & dance in front of that restaurant, then Shawn's gonna be a dancing monkey, because he can use that name even after Shawn's long gone; HBK's always said he got himself into this, so it's time to live up to that, as now his fate's in his own hands; but if Michaels slips on a banana peel & Layfield beats him @ No Way Out, then he gets it all & Shawn & his family get absolutely nothing; after a few more minutes of goading, Shawn accepts, but Brad$haw clarifies that until No Way Out, he still works for JBL, so he'd better understand his roll of the dice. . .  in his prime, HBK might've beaten the Wrestling. . .  God, but now, as a broken-down version of the HeartBreak Kid, Shawn Michaels doesn't stand a chance, he should've just gotten fired like a sensible man; a video package plays, hyping the return of the Elimination Chamber, in which the RAW & Smackdown Heavyweight titles will be defended, @ No Way Out, live on pay-per-view Sunday, February 15th; backstage, General Manager Stephanie McMahon asks Kane if he's done it, if he's talked to "him" & after it's confirmed that he has, then she goes & makes it official ~ the Bald Red Machine's in the Elimination Chamber match for their Heavyweight title & next week on RAW, "Legend Killer" Randy Orton takes on Smackdown's UnderTaker

MAIN EVENT MATCH: Heavyweight champion John Cena makes Chris Jericho Submit with an 'STFU' "Submission Through Fear" Stepover Toehold Facelock in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: so, I guess he's not gonna defend it until No Way Out? . . .}

02/03/09 originating on the Sci-Fi Network {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night

2008 Slammy-Award-Winning commentating by Matt Striker & Todd Grisham

from the Scott Trade Center in St. Louis, Missouri;  now in WWE~HD

Paul Burchill beats "Innovator of Extreme" Tommy Dreamer with a Neckbreaker {PSYCHOLOGY: another step further away from winning the Heavyweight title?}; RAW Tag Team champions John Morrison & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin head to the ring, while Dreamer's still hanging out & generally feeling bad about himself, with Altered Reality mocking the ECW Original for being so slow to get out of the ring, but the Shaman of Sexy speculates that, if he told Tommy that catering'd just put out a fresh cheesecake, that he'd move a whole lot faster; the Miz reels his partner in, not making the Innovator of Extreme cry again, because it's overly apparent to both men that Dreamer doesn't have what it takes to become the Heavyweight champion again ~ it's 2009, champions in this day & age don't look like Tommy, they look like Miz & Morrison; Dreamer's the anti-Ric Flair, nobody wanted Slick Ric to lose, but the entire WWE Universe's hoping & preying that his next match's his last, so maybe the ECW Original should pack up his lacklustre career, head on home & dream about entering the WWE Hall of Fame. . .  but maybe he's afraid to do that too, because the only people who want to see Tommy less than the WWE Universe, would be his wife & kids; well, dem's fightin' words, as the Innovator of Extreme starts throwing ham bones @ the smarmy melon of Mizanin, allowing Morrison to sneak up behind him & gain the upper hand, clearing the way for Mike to nail Dreamer with a 'Reality Check' Elevated Neckbreaker, leaving the already-defeated Tommy Dreamer somehow even more defeated

backstage, General Manager Theodore R. Long asks what RAW's Jamie Knoble's doing there, but it's no secret that ECWWE needs a quality Superstar, since Matt Hardy headed over to Smackdown; well, Teddy likes the sound of that, so welcome aboard; the Boogeyman beats Knoble with an 'Eternal Night' Pumphandle Slam {PSYCHOLOGY: excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. . .}

a video package plays, hyping the return of the Elimination Chamber, in which the RAW & Smackdown Heavyweight titles will be defended, @ No Way Out, live on pay-per-view Sunday, February 15th

WRESTLEMANIA 25th ANNIVERSARY MOMENT: April 7th, 1986, emanating simultaneously from New York City, New York, Chicago, Illinois & Los Angeles, California, 3 sold-out arenas hosted the 2nd edition of the world-wide phenomenon; boxer & television star Mister T took on "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in a boxing match, with the main event pitting King Kong Bundy against WWF Heavyweight champion Hulk Hogan in the 1 & only Steel Cage match in WrestleMania history

DID YOU KNOW. . . WWE television programs can be seen in 465,000,000 homes worldwide ~ more than the NBA, Major League Baseball & the NFL combined! . . .

the official theme for No Way Out's "Hunt You Down" by Saliva, available now; the CARD SO FAR: 6-Man "Elimination Chamber" Smackdown Heavyweight title match, champion Edge versus the Big Show versus HHH versus the UnderTaker versus 2 more entrants. . .  6-Man "Elimination Chamber" RAW Heavyweight title match, champion John Cena versus Kofi Kingston versus Chris Jericho versus Mike Knox versus Rey Mysterio Junior versus Kane. . .  No Holds Barred match, "Legend Killer" Randy Orton versus WWE Executive Vice President & WCW Owner Shane McMahon. . .  RAW "All or Nothing" match, 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels versus John Brad$haw Layfield

backstage, Heavyweight champion "All-American American" Jack Swagger pompouses about being a 2-time All-American who's accolades don't lend themselves to embarrassment, so what Hornswaggle did last week was intolerable & if Fit Finlay wants a piece of the champ, then so be it; after Swagger soundly defeats Finlay, he can go home & sit down with that little ogre of his & marvel @ just how close he came to the Heavyweight title; MAIN EVENT MATCH: Fit Finlay defeats Heavyweight champion "All-American American" Jack Swagger with a 'Celtic Cross' Cradling Reverse Piledriver in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: Swagger's 1st defeat since his WWE debut!}

WRESTLEMANIA 25. . .  62 DAYS AWAY. . .

* * * * *

S ~ M ~ A ~ C ~ K ~ D ~ O ~ W ~ N

02/06/09 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}

commentating by Tazz & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross

from the Toyota Center in Kennewick, Washington; now in WWE~HD

General Manager Vickie Guerrero saunters out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, stating that if Jeff Hardy recovers in time, he's going to be invoking his rematch clause @ No Way Out, so that leaves 1 ore spot in the Elimination Chamber match, to be determined in the following 15-MAN BATTLE ROYAL MATCH: "R-Truth" Ron Killings versus The Brian Kendrick versus United States champion "Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin versus Chavo Guerrero Junior versus "Kung" Fu-Naki versus Vladimir Kozlov versus Jesse Dalton versus Kizarny versus Tag Team co-champion Carlito Caribbean Cool versus the Great Khali versus Tag Team co-champion Primo Colon versus Curt Hawkins Montell Vontavius Porter versus Zack Ryder versus Scotty Goldman; the Moscow Mauler ousts Goldman; Kendrick horfs Kizarny; Jesse gets eliminated by Benjamin, who gets ousted by MVP, who gets horfed by Chavito Heat, who gets eliminated by the Punjabi Playboy, who then ousts Funaki, Kendrick & the EdgeHeads; Kozlov horfs Khali, Dos Colons & the former NWA Heavyweight champion {PSYCHOLOGY: dang, I would've liked to've seen Porter win this!}; after the match, Vladimir Russkies about something-or-other, most likely about how he's about to go win the Heavyweight championship @ No Way Out

WRESTLEMANIA 25th ANNIVERSARY MOMENT: April 7th, 1986, emanating simultaneously from New York City, New York, Chicago, Illinois & Los Angeles, California, 3 sold-out arenas hosted the 2nd edition of the world-wide phenomenon; boxer & television star Mister T took on "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in a boxing match, with the main event pitting King Kong Bundy against WWF Heavyweight champion Hulk Hogan in the 1 & only Steel Cage match in WrestleMania history

backstage, ECWWE's Todd Grisham bothers Hurricane Helms, who was as surprised as anybody when he witnessed the shocking events that went down between Matt & Jeff Hardy @ the Royal Rumble, but in retrospect, perhaps he shouldn't've been, because he's known both men for years & Matt's always had a bit of an ego; this was their dream on their way through the independent system, to become a WWE champion, but then, just as his little brother's living that dream, the former Mattitude Practitioner goes & does something atrocious, but Helms' isn't convinced that this was the action of a different Matt Hardy, his real personality's finally been revealed; the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior mightn't be here to stick up for himself tonight, but the Hurricane is & he's going to go fine Matt; in the General Manager's office, Vickie Guerrero asks Heavyweight champion Edge what's wrong, which prompts him to give the Woman Answer that there's nothing wrong, he's only going into the most dangerous match in WWE history & his opponents are Vladimir Kozlov, Jeff Hardy, the Big Show, the UnderTaker & HHH; the Rated-R Superstar's made a career out of defying the odds, so Mamacita Heat has every confidence in him; in walks TBS, who asks if there's gonna be a pep talk for their Tag Team match against the Game & the Phenom, but the Conniving Canuck has no time for the former WCW Giant's tone right now; the last time the Big Show was Edge's partner, he walked away from the Heavyweight champion, so pardon the hell right outta the Rated-R Superstar if he's a little bit gun-shy about teaming with him again; nobody's walking out on anybody in this match, so Vickie declares that they both have to go out there as a unit & take out the Cerebral Assassin & the Dead Man

a video package plays, advertizing the upcoming "Voices: WWE the Music Volume 9", 13 unreleased tracks that are the voice of the passion of WWE Superstars, available now

DID YOU KNOW. . . last Friday, more men watched Smackdown than 20/20 or Dateline! . . . ; betcha Matt Hardy knew that, as he calls out Hurricane Helms, so that the 2 can brawl out in the ring without benefit of a referee

WRESTLEMANIA 25. . .  58 DAYS AWAY. . .

United States champion "Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin smarms to the ring, where he states that's it's inconceivable that Montell Vontavius Porter can think that breaking his massive losing streak with a few wins will put him in contention for his U.S. title, maybe MVP should be renamed VPM ~ Very Payton Manning, because with the biggest game on the line, Porter's gonna blow it; Vontavius pins Benjamin with a 'Drive By' Running Bicycle Kick in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: bam!!}

backstage, Tag Team champions Dos Colons ogle the Bella Twins, who kiss them for good luck in their match tonight; in walks "R-Truth" Ron Killings & all 3 head to the ring for the following SMACKDOWN VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL 6-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH: the Definition of Humble (Smackdown's the Brian Kendrick & RAW Tag Team champions Altered Reality {ECWWE's John Morrison & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin}) versus Smackdown's Que Pasa? ("R-Truth" Ron Killings & Tag Team champions Dos Colons {Carlito Caribbean Cool & Primo Colon}); Kendrick beats 3C with a 'the Kendrick' Springboard Scaling Osaka Cutter {PSYCHOLOGY: quite a match!}

WWE Home Video presents "Starrcade ~ The Essential Collection", available @ all major DVD retailers & http://www.WWEShop.com

a video package plays, hyping the return of the Elimination Chamber, in which the RAW & Smackdown Heavyweight titles will be defended, @ No Way Out, live on pay-per-view Sunday, February 15th

another video package plays, this 1 hyping the incomparable beauty of Divas champion Maryse Ouellet; SMACKDOWN DIVAS MATCH: Michelle MCool makes Eve Torres Submit with a 'Mad T' Heel Hook {PSYCHOLOGY: ouchies!}; after the match, Maria Kanellis storms the ring to help her friend, sending the Future Ex-Missus Layfield scampering backstage

backstage, Matt Hardy proclaims that, like he said last week, he doesn't have a brother anymore & for anybody who's been looking forward to the return of Jeff Hardy next week. . .  well, let's just say that a lot can happen in 7 days, so Matt wouldn't be entirely surprised to hear that another "unfortunate accident" has befallen his former sibling; but in the event that the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior doesn't end up horizontal between now & then, the former Mattitude Practitioner'll be waiting. . .

WRESTLEMANIA 25th ANNIVERSARY MOMENT: March 20th, 1994, WrestleMania 10 returned to the arena where it all began a decade previous, Madison Square Garden; 2 Harts competed, as WWF Heavyweight champion Bret "HitMan" Hart took on his brother Owen in this non-title match, then 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels made wrestling history with the 1st Ladder match on pay-per-view, against Razor Ramon to determine the undisputed Intercontinental champion, in 2 of the greatest matches in WrestleMania history

Umaga defeats "Kung" Fu-Naki with a 'Jungle Hate Ow-Ee-Ow-Ee-Ow' Samoan Spike {PSYCHOLOGY: boy he wants to jobya-jobya!}

the official theme for No Way Out's "Hunt You Down" by Saliva, available now; the CARD SO FAR: 6-Man "Elimination Chamber" Smackdown Heavyweight title match, champion Edge versus the Big Show versus HHH versus the UnderTaker versus Vladimir Kozlov & 1 more entrant {likely Jeff Hardy}. . .  6-Man "Elimination Chamber" RAW Heavyweight title match, champion John Cena versus Kofi Kingston versus Chris Jericho versus Mike Knox versus Rey Mysterio Junior versus Kane. . .  No Holds Barred match, "Legend Killer" Randy Orton versus WWE Executive Vice President & WCW Owner Shane McMahon. . .  RAW "All or Nothing" match, 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels versus John Brad$haw Layfield; MAIN EVENT, TAG TEAM MATCH: Razors & Hammers (Heavyweight champion Edge & the Big Show) versus the Nipple H Husband Club (the UnderTaker & HHH); the Dead Man pins the Rated-R Superstar with a 'Tombstone' Elevated Piledriver {PSYCHOLOGY: it's all about the BoNnNnNnNnNnGgGgGg & how you toll it!}

by FanBoy Mark Jabroni ~ February 2009

Almost every year, for the past decade, World Wrestling Entertainment has supplied the April Playboy covergirl.  In 2008, it was Maria Kanellis. . .  April 2007, Ashley Masarro. . .  2006 was the year of Candice Michelle Beckman. . .  Prior to 2005's 'Mania, Christy Hemme bared all. . .  In March of 2004, previous Playmates & WWE Divas Torrie Wilson & Sable partook in a little double-teaming of the Playboy camera, which was a solo endeavour for Wilson in May of 2003 & April 1999 for the current Missus Brock Lesnar. . .  Finally, the 9th Wonder of The World, Chyna, appeared twice, in 2000 & 2002.

So far, nothing's been announced for a WWE Diva to doff her knickers & let it all hang out.  But let's see if we can get, among other things, teh creative juices flowing, shall we?

Of the Divas currently on the active roster in World Wrestling Entertainment, 2 are former Playmates ~ Candice Michelle & Maria.  Now, not that I'm @ all opposed to a repeat performance of these 2 lovely ladies, but I'd prefer to think that some new blood'll step forward & put her breasts a foot forward.  I'm now going to run down the most likely candidates.

LAYLA EL: what, you thought I'd start with Kelly Kelly?  Well, that's a little too obvious, if you ask me.  Sure, she's cute, but we have time yet to wait for her to encourage the web-surfing adolecent males out there to grow many times their normal size. . .  especially 1st thing in the morning. . .  Btu Layla ~ not that I'm saying her days are numbered, in comparison ~ but I think she'd make a godo candidate & I certainly won't be among the crying parties, upon hearing that she's the April 2009 Playboy Playmate.

MARYSE OUELLETE: the new Smackdown Divas champion's certainly built like a Playmate, eh?  She has an insanely-pretty face, a marvelous physique & certainly the attitude that would likely translate very easily onto the printed page.

KATIE LEA BURCHILL: another Limey strumpet who I'd love to see on Page 2 of the Sun.  But perhaps I'm jus tbeing a little too lecherous. . .

"GLAMAZON" BETH PHOENIX: now that she no longer has that annoying hunk of gold & leather weighing her down, perhaps she can remove even more restricting portions of her in-ring attire. . .  I can just see the Cleopatra-themed photo shoot now!

MELINA PEREZ: . . . & speaking of that annoying hunk of gold & leather, the woman who defeated Pheonix for it @ the Royal Rumble has actually been rather outspoken against the idea of posing for Playboy.  But then again, that was when Ashley Masarro was going to do it & the former MNM valet was vehemently ensconced in the Dark Side of Divadom.  so, now that the WWE Universe's cheering for her. . .

MICKIE JAMES: my personal favourite to appear in the staticky laminate pages of the world's classiest nudey mag.  Seh has a great smile, a heavenly body & an affinity for horses, so she's the total package ~ she can pose with saddles, wearing chaps, carrying a whip. . .

LILAIN GARCIA: would she even do it?  I'm not sure she's ever ben asked, or if she'd even consider the possibility.

MICHELLE McCOOL: the premiere Smackdown Divas champion has the look that would draw people to her issue, possibly just to see if the carpet matches the drapes. . .  or rather, if she has hardwood flooring. 

The rest of the divas ~ Brie & Nikki Bella, Alicia Fox, Tiffany, Eve Torres, Jillian Hall, Natalya Neidhart & yes, even Kelly Kelly, eitehr haven't been in WWE long enough {in my opinion} to make much of a draw for a pre-WrestleMania issue, or just plain not the right attitude to pull it off convincingly.  Ever see pictures of beautiful naked ladies on the 'net, where it's obvious that they're "mailing it in"?  Nothing's less attractive than a naked woman who's trying to be sexy ~ she shouldn't really have to try, if she's got a nice face & a good body.
   
This is, naturally, all my personal opinion & anybody of you can feel free to disagree to your heart's content.  If you have an alternate idea, you know where to find me every Friday afternoon from 1-3pm, just give CHMR a call {the number's on their website}, or you can email me & pass along your own ideas, or just let me know if you think I'm full of shiite, as usual.  Which WWE Diva do you think should next appear in Playboy?

Check out the other versions of my BREAKING KAYFABE monthly article on MySpace {http://www.myspace.com/tnanewf} & Facebook {http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=626883505&ref=name}