-= HELL IN A CELL =-

*PLEASE NOTE*
The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some Tag Team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.

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10/04/09 on PAY-PER-VIEW from the Prudential Center in Newark, New Jersey; now in WWE~HD

RAW commentating by 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole
Smackdown commentating by 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross & Slammy-Award-Winning Todd Grisham

HELL IN A CELL, SMACKDOWN HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: the UnderTaker pins champion CM Punk with a 'Tombstone' Elevated Piledriver {PSYCHOLOGY: they started the show with a Heavyweight title match? . . .  the only reason I can think they'd do that, would be if the former champion wanted to cash in his rematch clause before the show ends, like when Chris Jericho won the WWF Heavyweight championship on RAW several years ago}

a video package plays, advertizing Bragging Rights, live on pay-per-view, October 25th

SMACKDOWN INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH: champion John Morrison beats Dolph Ziggler with a 'Starship Pain' Split-Legged Corkscrew Moonsault {PSYCHOLOGY: this & the RAW United States Triple Threat match, both had the potential to be the Match of the Night & these guys certainly didn't fail to deliver!}

backstage, ECWWE's Josh Mathews bothers Smackdown's Dave "The Animal" Batista, who introduces his own Tag Team partner, the high-flying, death-defying master of the '619' Tiger Feint Kick, Rey Mysterio Junior, who leaps into his amigo's arms in warm greeting & possibly for bellybutton sex. . .  anywho, they're not gonna be recreating magic from when they both 1st won the Smackdown Tag Team titles in 2005, in memory of their mutual friend Eddie Guerrero, they're reuniting Familia, Dave's like Rey's big brother, so when Batista called Mysterio & asked him to team up with him, to go after the WWE Unified Tag Team titles, the Biggest Little Man knew it was something that he had to do ~ the Animal knows that Rey-Rey's got his back; a few months ago, WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho tried to take the mask off of Mysterio ~ his heritage, his pride ~ but tonight he & Dave are gonna take away the belts from the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah & the former WCW Giant; they say that they're the most dominant Tag Team in WWE history, but they've never beaten Amigo Heat, Josh's looking @ the new WWE Unified Tag Team champions

4 dorks dressed as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are seen partying down up in a skybox, distracting everybody from running to the bathroom for the following RAW DIVAS TITLE MATCH: champion Mickie James defeats Alicia Fox with a 'Laree-DT' Implant DDT {PSYCHOLOGY: with quite the authority, @ that!}

WWE UNIFIED TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: champions Worst Case Scenario (the Big Show & Chris Jericho) versus Smackdown's Amigo Heat (Dave "The Animal" Batista & Rey Mysterio Junior); TBS pins Mysterio with a 'Knockout' Straight Punch {PSYCHOLOGY: as Rey-Rey's coming off the top turnbuckle ~ this match felt so '80s, with its pacing!}

WWE thanks Skillet for the song "Monster", from their album Awake {available now}, the official theme for Hell in a Cell

HELL IN A CELL, RAW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: "Legend Killer" Randy Orton beats champion John Cena with a 'Punt' Running Kick to the Head {PSYCHOLOGY: well, it was his last chance to wrestle for the title, so. . . !}

backstage, ECWWE's Josh Mathews bothers Smackdown's "R~Truth" Ron Killings, who declares that now it's time for the moment of truth between him & Drew McIntyre ~ life & opportunities are what you make of them, but it's also about how you go about getting those opportunities; you don't disrespect nobody to get where you wanna be @ {so, you disrespect somebody, then? . . .}, he's taken guff from McIntyre 1 time too many; R~Truth don't know how he does things in Scotland, how he gets in where he's been in. . . but here, in the good ol' USA, to get respect, you have to earn it; Ron's been fighting all his life ~ he ain't new to this, he's true to this & what he's about to give to the Scot, he's earned it & that's the Truth, the whole Truth & nothing but the Truth; SMACKDOWN GRUDGE MATCH: Drew McIntyre defeats "R~Truth" Ron Killings with a 'Criminally Sexy' Swinging Snap Double Underhook DDT {PSYCHOLOGY: okay, so 1st, it's a rather anticlimactic result & 2nd, WHY WAS THIS EVEN ON THE PAY-PER-VIEW?!}

in the Lega¢¥ dressing room, RAW's Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior congratulate Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton on his legendary win over John Cena, the look left on the Doctor of Thuganomics' face was classic. . .  so after Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ defeat D-Generation X in their Tornado Tag Team match in the Hell in a Cell later tonight, they're all gonna go out partying to celebrate their victories; dropping his icepack, Randy scoffs @ the idea of his lackeys talking about hitting the town tonight, when they'll hardly be in any condition to party after their match, win or lose; Rhodes & DiBiase know exactly what they're getting into, before RAW Monday night, they were studying the ominous covered steel cage & strategizing. . . not to mention the fact that they're younger & faster than HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, so Ted thinks they have every right to be confident; yeah, Cody's starting to think that Orton's sounding like his old man, WWE Hall of Famer "American Dream" Dusty Rhodes. . .  well, dem's towerin' over his lackeys words, as the Legend Killer gets to his feet & states that their cockiness' good, but they have no idea what they're getting into. . .  & by the way, he's not the American Dream, he's the RAW Heavyweight champion & if he were Rhode$ to Ri¢he$, he'd listen to a champion; yeah, well, if DiBiase were Orton, he wouldn't underestimate them

before the following match, RAW's Mike "The Miz" Mizanin saunters down to the ring, where he proclaims that tonight he's gonna become the United States champion, but the only problem's that he's gonna win it here, in Newark, New Jersey; he'd like to quote his good friend, Conan O'Brien, by stating that all sewers lead to Newark & it makes sense, why else would the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles be here {Awwwwww, SNAP!}; this is his plea to Major ?? ~ please ban Mizanin from this city forever, so that Mike actually has an excuse never to come back here & if he does that, then the Miz'll make sure that New Jersey's known for something positive, as the place that he became the new U.S. champion; TRIPLE THREAT, RAW UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: champion Kofi Kingston versus Mike "The Miz" Mizanin versus "All-American American" Jack Swagger; Kingston pins Mizanin with a Swagger-Applied 'Orthodontist's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: right before the Jamaican Superstar dropped the All-American American with his own 'Trouble in Paradise' Xuanfengjiao Tornado Kick!}

before the following match even begins, RAW's Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior jump HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, leaving the Showstopper incapacitated in the ring, before dropping the Game with a 'Cross Rhodes' Neckbreaking Reverse DDT up on the ring entrance ramp stage & then locking HBK in the cage for some 2-on-1 action. . .  until the King of Kings heads backstage & gets some bolt cutters to get access to the Cell, allowing him to finally become a part of the following MAIN EVENT, HELL IN A CELL, RAW TORNADO TAG TEAM MATCH: D-Generation X (the Cerebral Assassin & the HeartBreak Kid) versus Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ (Rhodes & DiBiase); Michaels beats Rhodes with a 'Sweet Chin Music' Superkick Accentuated with a HHH-Applied Sledgehammer Shot Upside the Head {PSYCHOLOGY: after a sudden reversal of fortunes, with DX locking DiBiase out of the ring, so that they could get some comeuppance on the other Lega¢¥ member!}; after the match, while the cage's being lifted back up to the ceiling, Michaels drops DiBiase with a 'Sweet Chin Music' Superkick as well, leaving Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ laying in their own sputum!

HIGHLIGHTS: in lieu of any notable signs {which I usually enjoy quite a bit}, there was this 1 little girl @ ringside with her replica Divas title, that I thought was kinda cute. . . but there was a wigger @ ringside with my "Winged Eagle" & the Ultimate Warrior's painted white Intercontinental titles; while on his way to the ring for the Hell in a Cell RAW Heavyweight title match, some of the kids @ Empire Theatres Studio 12 were booing John Cena, prompting me to wonder "Are they saying 'Boo' or 'Boo can't see me?'. . ." ; then, later in that match, something looking suspiciously like a blade fell off of the Chain Gang Commander during the match, which the referee snatched up & hid rather quickly in his pocket