*PLEASE NOTE*
The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some tag team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.
09/14/09 originating on USA Network {in the United States} & simulcast on the Score {in Canada}
commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole
from the Air Canada Centre in Toronto, Ontario; now in WWE~HD
Dave "The Animal" Batista Walks For Miles Inside This Pit of Danger to the ring with a rather impressive-looking big ol' high-tech arm sling, where he states 1st off, before he makes his announcement, he thanks the RAW Universe in the audience & @ home; it's been a rough year for him, he's had a coupla really bad injuries & this isn't how he wanted to come back, but he has to say goodbye; after thanking the RAW Universe for allowing him to have the time of his life in this ring, he reveals that there have been a number or rumours about his retirement. . . but here comes "Legend Killer" Randy Orton sauntering down to the ring, where he proclaims that he's not very happy about losing the Heavyweight title last night, but something that cheers him up's that the fact that Dave's retiring; this is it, this is how it ends, the big bad Animal going out with a whimper, so whatever big teary-eyed goodbye speech he has, Batista should just say it & leave, because nobody cares; why did Dave wait so long to decide to retire ~ he's not retiring because of his health, Batista's retiring because of the Legend Killer, who put the Animal on the shelf for 3 months after ripping his shoulder out of its socket, put him on the shelf for another 4 months with a swift kick to the head, so why doesn't Dave just go hang his head & cry, like he was about to before Randy came out here; when the Animal reacts with a chuckle rather than a choked-back sob, Orton questions what's so funny. . . well, there's 2 things, actually ~ 1st, the Legend Killer's very predictable & 2nd, Dave knows something that Randy doesn't, namely that his arm's okay, as he slips his cyborg-like arm cast off & beats down his former nemesis; the Animal's not here to announce his retirement, he's here to announce that he's moving to Smackdown & he spoke with tonight's Celebrity Guest Host & she promised that he can have 1 last RAW match, a No Holds Barred match against Orton! . . ; speaking of whom, Celebrity Guest Host Trish Stratus Time to Rock & Rolls onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where she brunettes about being happy to be home here in WWE; she doesn't want to toot her own horn, but Trish presupposes that she's gonna make a pretty good Celebrity Guest Host, but she's no Bob Barker ~ her favourite part was where the former Price is Right host almost made WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho cry; but this is RAW, which Stratus knows all too well, she knows what the RAW Universe wants ~ so not only did she already give them Dave "The Animal" Batista versus "Legend Killer" Randy Orton in a No Holds Barred match tonight, she's also given some thought to how Randy also deserves his rematch from Breaking Point, so she's thinking that @ the next pay-per-view, Orton versus Heavyweight champion John Cena in a Hell in a Cell, which coincidentally the next pay-per-view name anyway; well, that's enough Stratusfaction for now, there'll be plenty more Trish later on, so let's get a match going here, shall we; TAG TEAM MATCH: Kofimo (United States champion Kofi Kingston & Primo Colon) versus the All-Mizaricans ("All-American American" Jack Swagger & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin); Swagger pins Kingston with an 'Orthodontist's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: after the Miz makes off with Kofi's U.S. title!}
Divas champion Mickie James sexies down to ringside, where she provides special guest commentary for the following #1 CONTENDERSHIP, RAW DIVAS TITLE MATCH: Alicia Fox beats Gail Kim with an 'Ax' Scissor Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: well, colour me surprised!}; after the match, Alicia eyeballs Mickie & I eyeball both; DID YOU KNOW. . . last Monday night, RAW was watched by more people than every show on ABC, the CW & FOX! . . . ; betcha Celebrity Guest Host Trish Stratus knew that, as she welcomes "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix into her office, questioning how the former WWE Women's champion can make a #1 Contendership match for the Divas title without including her, who does the Stratusfyer think she is; before she can answer that, WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho saunters in, stating that Beth shouldn't give Stratus an opening to talk about herself, since RAW's only a 2-hour show; he heard Trish talking about him earlier, she just can't stop thinking about Y2J, can she. . . can't stand the idea that the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah sent her packing; well, if the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions needs to think that, to get through all those cold & lonely nights, that's fine with Stratus ~ hey, she thought that Jericho'd be happier, now that he's found a new soul mate, instead of being all angry & tense like she's always seen him. . . she can just imagine Chris & his new partner, WWE Tag Team co-champion the Big Show, holding hands & snuggling by the fire; now just hang on 1 cotton-pickin' minute, Phoenix proclaims that it's easy for Stratus to talk trash when she can't back it up, but @ least the King of My World's out there every single night, backing up everything he says, he didn't run off & retire when there was new competition, to go open up a yoga store in this 2nd-rate country {heyyyyy!}, so in other words, unlike Trish, Chris has guts; well, just to prove that Stratus didn't retire to avoid the Glamazon, she'll gladly take on both in a Mixed Tag Team match, she just needs to go grab herself a partner again, just like the last time RAW came to the Air Canada Centre; oh & 1 more thing, the WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion could take Bob Barker any day of the week!
WWE Home Video presents "the Best of Smackdown", "The Rise & Fall of WCW" & "Night of Champions 2009", available now @ all major DVD retailers & @ www.WWEShop.com
Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior smarm to the ring, where the former asks if the RAW Universe's ready. . . to welcome the new era of WWE Superstars, they made HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels tap out @ Breaking Point, unlike 2009 WWE Hall of Famer StoneCold Steve Austin, the Rock, the UnderTaker, the entire McMahon clan ~ even as great as Rated RKO were, neither Edge nor "Legend Killer" Randy Orton made the Game of the Showstopper submit; although they may have shocked the world, what they did Sunday didn't surprise Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ @ all; DiBiase states that they did exactly what they said they'd do, dish out pain so intense that even the almighty D-Generation X had no choice but to give up; last night was just the beginning, they won't stop until the Cerebral Assassin & the HeartBreak Kid are out of WWE forever; from this point on, Rhodes & DiBiase are no longer known as the sons of WWE Hall of Famer "American Dream" Dusty Rhodes & "$1,000,000 Man" Ted DiBiase, but those 2 are now knows as the fathers of Lega¢¥; RAW 1st HOUR MAIN EVENT MATCH: HBK defeats DiBiase via Disqualification After Rhodes Interferes {PSYCHOLOGY: 3 matches in an hour, that must be a new record for RAW. . . he typed sarcastically!}; after the match, Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ & D-Generation X fall fighting @ ringside, temporarily knocking RAW off the air & setting up for a normally-feud-ending Hell in a Cell match @ the next pay-per-view
TAG TEAM MATCH: Leprechaun Air (Hornswaggle & Evan Bourne) versus Dos Santos Del Hijo (Chavo Guerrero Junior & Carlito Caribbean Cool); Horny pins Guerrero with a 'Tadpole' Top-Rope Extending Mini-Splash {PSYCHOLOGY: so, what ~ "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix was done with Rosa Mendes, so she gave her to Chavito Heat & 3C?}; after the match, Chavo asks what he has to do. . . okay, Hornswaggle wins, Guerrero gives up!
backstage, ECWWE's Josh Mathews bothers Heavyweight champion John Cena, who Thuganomics about sometimes in life, there are people who do what they say, while others just talk about it & "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, for so long, talked about how the Heavyweight title was his life, all that he existed for & he'd do anything & everything to keep it. . . but then, last night @ Breaking Point @ the 1st sign of losing his grip on the belt, Orton simply gave it away; but to this day, as he's always said, the Chain Gang Commander won't quit, although his body was wracked with pain & everytime that he was asked if he would quit & he said no, Cena knew that there was even more pain & suffering on its way, but he gave his word that he wouldn't give up & he's a wigger of his word; thanks to tonight's Celebrity Guest Host, they now have a rematch @ Hell in a Cell, which'll presumably ensure that Orton'll once more promise that John's win over him this Sunday was a fluke & it'll never happen again, then make even more promises that he'll get his revenge & reclaim his title, as well as this Heavyweight title around the Doctor of Thuganomics' waist's more like a 3-week rental. . . well, Cena's getting his promise out there right now, when that door closes in that Hell in a Cell, the RAW Universe's gonna see a different side of the Chain Gang Commander, a more intense, a more brutal, a more savage side of the Heavyweight champion, Randy'll be a lucky man if he makes it out of that Cell in 1 piece & then there'll be no doubt that the Champ's here!
MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH: Like Tropicana, They Got the Juice (RAW Celebrity Guest Host Trish Stratus & Montell Vontavius Porter) versus the ÜberStars of Glamazonian Awesomeness ("Glamazon" Beth Phoenix & WWE Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho); Trish beats Beth via Disqualification After WWE Tag Team co-champion the Big Show Interferes {PSYCHOLOGY: well, that was a real sham of a match! , , ,}; after the match, "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry evens the odds, prompting the Celebrity Guest Host to announce that, if the former WCW Giant wants to get involved in that match, then suddenly we're gonna have a 6-PERSON MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH: the Most Greekest Playas (Stratus & the World's Strongest Playas {MVP & Henry}) versus 2 Blonds & a Baldy (Phoenix & WWE Tag Team champions Worst Case Scenario {Y2J & TBS}); the Stratusfyer defeats the Glamazon with a 'Stratusfaction' Mid-Rope Scaling Bulldog {PSYCHOLOGY: now that's more like it!}
WWE Home Video presents "the Rise & Fall of WCW", "The New & Improved DX" & "the Bash 2009", available now @ all major DVD retailers & @ www.WWEShop.com
a video package plays, advertizing Cedric the Entertainer as the Celebrity Guest Host for next week's RAW; but for now, it's time for the RAW 2nd HOUR MAIN EVENT, NO HOLDS BARRED MATCH: Dave "The Animal" Batista pins "Legend Killer" Randy Orton with a 'BatistaBomb' Sitout Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: yeah, like you didn't expect that outcome!}
09/15/09 originating on SyFy {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night
commentating by Josh Mathews & the Slammy Award-winning Matt Striker
from the Copps Coliesum in Hamilton, Ontario; now in WWE~HD
General Manager Tiffany 11th Hours to the ring, where she proclaims that the WWE Universe's still buzzing about the outcome of Breaking Point & she's especially proud of the ECWWE contribution, which's why she came out here to talk about tonight's- William Regal & his fellow Tormentors saunter down to the ring, where the 2008 King of the Ring apologizes for the interruption, she's especially fetching tonight & she's doing a wonderful job as GM ~ as somebody who's filled a similar position, as General Manager of RAW, William felt it his duty to come out here & discuss with her, the ramifications of what happened Sunday. . . he knows that Tiffany has a keen eye for talent, as he does, but he wants to know why she felt the need to ban Vladimir Kozlov & Ezekiel Jackson from ringside in the ECWWE Heavyweight title match @ Breaking Point; well, the GM's glad that Regal chose to come to her in this way, as he understands as well as she does, the importance of communications between Genera Manager & Superstars being open. . . the reason she banned the Moscow Mauler & Big Zeke from ringside, was that she wanted the match to be 1-on-1, with no outside interference; well, as William sees it, her decision was a little rash & it did cause him unnecessary grief in his preparation, so Regal thinks it's only right that he be allowed another shot @ the Heavyweight title; well, again, as the former RAW GM knows, it's important to allow different Superstars the opportunity @ a major title, which's why Tiffany's decided to not allow Regal another shot @ the Heavyweight title, which understandably rankles the 2008 King of the Ring; but tonight, there's a Battle Royal to determine the new #1 Contender for that title, so Kozlov & Jackson can go get themselves ready for that bout, while Regal competes in a match right now, even though he's still in his street clothes; the 2008 King of the Ring beats Hurricane Helms with a 'Knee Trembler' Running Kneestrike {PSYCHOLOGY: in his street clothes!!}; after the match, "Ripper" Paul Burchill storms the ring & beats down his emerald nemesis
backstage, Goldust apologizes to Yoshi Tatsu for what happened last week, but struggles on with their english lessons. . . where is the train station? . . . how much is a cup of coffee-EE-EE-coffee? . . . ; in steps Zack Ryder, who questions the logic of the Turnbuckle Championship Wrestler teaching the former New Japan Pro Wrestler how to speak english, asking if Tatsu can say "loser"; when the purofesshonaru resuringu responds with "Zack Ryder", the former EdgeHead exclaims that he can't wait to get Yoshi in the ring
in the backstage area, Savannah Fong bothers "Ripper" Paul Burchill, who balks @ the idea of a new backstage interviewer, where's Gregory Helms ~ oh wait, he's out in the ring, where he left the Hurricane laying after a beatdown inspired by what the supposed superhero did to Katie Lea last week; as Paul's been saying all along, Hurricane Helms & Gregory Helms are the same person & he's not going to stop until the charade's ended; now, if Savannah'll excuse him, he has a Battle Royal to go win
Nikki & Brie Bella sexy to the ring as the special guest ring announcers for the following match, where Yoshi Tatsu defeats Zack Ryder with a 'Mawashi Gen' Roundhouse Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: well, with cheerleaders like the Bella Twins, I'd probably win too!}
a video package plays, showing the 2 matches already announced for Hell in a Cell ~ RAW Heavyweight champion John Cena versus "Legend Killer" Randy Orton. . . RAW Tag Team Grudge Match, D-Generation X versus Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ MAIN EVENT, #1 CONTENDERSHIP, ECWWE HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE, 10-MAN BATTLE ROYAL MATCH: "Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin versus Vladimir Kozlov versus Ezekiel Jackson versus "Innovator of Extreme" Tommy Dreamer versus Goldust versus Tyler Reks versus Sheamus O'Shaunessy versus Yoshi Tatsu versus "Ripper" Paul Burchill versus Zack Ryder; Benjamin ousts Burchill, Kozlov eliminates Reks, Jackson horfs Tatsu, Shelton ousts Sheamus & Ezekiel, but then gets eliminated by O'Shaunessy from the arena floor, Ryder horfs Goldust, Vladimir gets ousted by Dreamer, who gets eliminated by Zack {PSYCHOLOGY: was it just me, or was this a little longer than the average Battle Royal?}
09/17/09 originating on WGN America {in the United States}
RAW commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole
ECWWE commentating by Josh Mathews & Slammy Award-winning Matt Striker
Smackdown commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross & the Slammy Award-winning Todd Grisham
RAW MATCH: "Masterpiece" Chris Masters makes Santino Marella Submit with a 'Masterlock' Swinging Full-Nelson {PSYCHOLOGY: although I gave the Milan Miracle the benefit of the doubt, rather than type up that result after hearing who the Masterpiece's opponent was!}
a video package plays, showing this week's edition of Ask the Divas; "Have you ever been on a bad date?" asks WWE Universe resident Larr Bear. . . RAW's Alicia Fox responds that she was left with the bill, which she wasn't happy with. . . Smackdown's Eve Torres once dated a guy who had horrible breath. . . RAW Divas champion Mickie James trumps Eve, by dating a married man. . . RAW's "Glamazon" Beth Pheonix went out with a guy who lied about his age, he was 30 years old {so, how old was she @ the time, then?}; "Do you have any hidden talents?" queries WWE Universe resident Rhapsody-Phyre. . . RAW's Kelly Kelly can do back flips, front flips, side flips, gainers, anything. . . RAW's Rosa Mendes can manipulate people into thinking she's nice. . . RAW's Gail Kim's an amazing cook, so if any guys wanna have dinner with her, she's their girl {I'll be right over!!}; anybody who needs advise, can log onto www.WWEUniverse.com
ECWWE's Zack Ryder joins Matt Striker & Josh Mathews @ ringside for the following ECWWE MATCH: Heavyweight champion Christian pins "Ripper" Paul Burchill with a 'Kill Switch' Crucifix Faceplant in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: a pretty foregone conclusion, who was gonna win this match, but worth seeing anyway, of only for Ryder's smarmy commentary!}; after the match, Josh saunters backstage to bother RAW's "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, who can't be bothered with Smackdown's Dave "The Animal" Batista, he's now on Friday nights & therefore out of his sc=phere of influence. . . he wants to talk about RAW Heavyweight champion John Cena, who defeated the Legend Killer @ Breaking Point, but Randy didn't submit ~ he made a sound business decision to maintain his body; the Doctor of Thuganomics, out of personal pride, likes to tell people that he's incapable of saying the words "I Quit", but Orton thinks that's just out of stupidity; here we are, 4 days after the pay-per-view & Randy can guarantee that the Chain Gang Commander's hurting much more than he is & it's only gonna get worse, because @ Hell in a Cell, the Legend Killer's gonna beat the RAW Heavyweight champion, gonna hurt him & make him suffer, once again becoming the RAW Heavyweight champion
MAIN EVENT, SMACKDOWN MATCH: Dolph Ziggler beats Fit Finlay with an 'NTN' Jumping Russian Legsweep {PSYCHOLOGY: well, since the Tough Irish **** hasn't got anything going right @ the moment, while the former Spirit Squader has that Smackdown Intercontinental championship match coming up. . . it seemed like a no-brainer!}
09/18/09 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}
commentating by Slammy Award-winning Todd Grisham & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross
from the Copps Coliesum in Hamilton, Ontario; now in WWE~HD
in the garage, a black stretch limousine pulls in, disgouging General Manager Theodore R. Long & a posse of Security personnel, who all amble into the arena for tonight's show
Dave "The Animal" Batista Walks for Miles Inside This Pit of Danger to the ring, where he takes in the adulation from the Smackdown Universe for an excessive amount of time, then reminds us that recently his contract expired with RAW & for the 1st time in his WWE career, he got to choose where he was ~ no Drafts, no trades, Dave's choice, which was to be right here on Friday nights ~ the Animal's glad to be back & can't wait to get started; WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho smarms to the ring, where he Ayatollah of Rock & Rollahs about how heartwarming it is to have Batista back on Smackdown, applauding @ the thought of babies smiling, birds are chirping & all's right with the world; in reality, the Animal makes Y2J sick, he's just like that other injury-prone loser Edge, pandering to these pathetic parasites, begging for cheers from all the hypocrites, hoping for some sort of reward for coming back from an injury; so let the ŊberStar of Jerichlean Proportions get something through that Neanderthal brain of Dave's, the King of My World's the fixture on Smackdown & everybody knows it ~ a lot has changed since Batista's been gone; well, splendid, tonight they've got a chance to catch up, in his match against Batista, who takes that opportunity to bash the WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion to the mat; backstage, Y2J asks fellow WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion the Big Show where he was during that brouhaha, never mind the fact that he specifically told the former WCW Giant that he wanted to confront the Animal alone. . . anywho, yeah, sure, stay back here, while Jericho goes out there to take down Dave, to show why he's the best @ what he does
Dolph Ziggler joins Grisham & JR @ ringside for the following match, but 1st a video package plays, showing Mike Knox going on about Restless Leg Syndrome, which affects 25,000,000 people in the United States ~ a neurological disorder where the victim's legs develop a chronic aching sensation, which can only be alleviated by the rapid movement of the lower extremities. . . they haven't found a cure yet, which apparently's bad news for Intercontinental champion John Morrison; the Shaman of Sexy defeats Knox with a 'Starship Pain' Split-Legged Corkscrew Moonsault in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: a battle of egos coming to Hell in a Cell, when Morrison & Ziggler face off in the fabled steel cage!}; after the match, John asks Dolph if he had a good time playing footsie with Todd Grisham, then brings up Mister Ziggles again, much to the delight of the Smackdown Universe & much to the chagrin of the former Spirit Squader, who makes his way backstage with an air of superiority befitting a future I-C champion
backstage, ECWWE's Josh Mathews bothers Referee Scott Armstrong, who asked himself why he did what he did @ Breaking Point since Sunday. .. what was asked of him @ the pay-per-view, after 30 years in this business, he's never been asked to do. . . but in this business, he answers to somebody much higher than he is; Armstrong has a wife & kids, which was why he felt sick to his stomach to do what he did to the UnderTaker ~ something he's not proud of, but he makes no excuses, he did what he had to do to keep his job
a video package plays, advertizing "the Smackdown Celebration", which airs October 2nd @ 8pm EST on MyNetworkTV
SMACKDOWN 1st HOUR MAIN EVENT, DIVAS MATCH: Melina Perez pins Women's champion Michelle McCool with a 'Last Call' Flipping Sitout Powerbomb in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: wow, 2 in a row. . . makes me wonder if these titles are being taken seriously, or if they're essentially just window dressing?}
in the General Manager's office, Theodore R. Long tells his Security personnel to stay close to him, until WWE Owner Vince McMahon powerwalks in, asking once more where his pictures is, then congratulates the GM on bringing Dave "The Animal" Batista to Smackdown. . . but why in the name of all things unholy did Long double-cross the UnderTaker @ Breaking Point ~ Vinnie-Mac told Teddy to entertain the Smackdown Universe, so the McMahonopolizer demands that the General Manager owes not only him, but the Smackdown Universe, an explanation about his actions Sunday, so get ta steppin' out to that ring; does Teddy have any idea what the Dead Man's capable of, once he's motivated to revenge? . . . ; DID YOU KNOW. . . WWE's watched by more than 15,000,000 people every week in the United States! . . . ; betcha Long knew that, as he MacMilitants to the ring, where he personally welcomes Dave "The Animal" Batista to the Smackdown roster, then goes on to make an admission. . . all of this was pre-planned to prevent 'Taker from becoming the Heavyweight champion; he's not gonna stand out here that he's proud of what he did, because Long's not. . . nor is he gonna claim that he's unafraid of the Phenom, because he is & is more than acutely aware that the UnderTaker could show up here tonight;now, Teddy understands that he's not the only guilty party in this ~ Referee Scott Armstrong & Heavyweight champion CM Punk share a measure of guilt as well; now, for the reason that the GM did what he did ~ he has a family to take care of, times are tough & he can't let his family down, he can't let them see him standing in the unemployment line & he's just too old to learn to do something news. . . therefore, Long apologizes for his actions, to the Smackdown Universe & to each & every 1 of the fans in the audience, especially to the Dead Man; 1 last thing, he hopes that 'Taker can find it in his heart to forgive the GM; heading backstage, Teddy crawls into his limo, only to find out that the driver's been replaced with the 'Taker, who billows some dry ice into the back of the car, while basking the GM in a portable purple gel & distorting his voice for some reason & effectively guaranteeing that Long will never win any sort of award for his acting skills; meanwhile, back in the arena, Heavyweight champion CM Punk Killswitch Engages to the ring, where he Straight-Edges about telling the Smackdown Universe that he'd make the Phenom tap out, just like he told them that he'd defeat Jeff Hardy for his title & then get rid of him forever; but Punk didn't come out here to brag about all that, he came out here to confront the UnderTaker, to stick his Heavyweight title in the Dead Man's face & look him in the eye. . . but of course, 'Taker happens to conveniently not be here tonight, so instead the Straight-Edge Superstar chooses to bash in the adulation of the Smackdown Universe, because it's obvious to him that they all need a good preaching to ~ they all need somebody that they can look up to, somebody who isn't morally corrupt, somebody who's righteous instead of self-righteous; Punk knows what they're all gonna do next. . . exactly what their hero the UnderTaker did, give up, but by the looks of about ½ of them, they already have; what kind of live is it that they all live, what kind of existence do they have, that they have to wake up every morning & pop a pill to help crawl out of bed. . . then they ravage their bodies with pitchers of beer & that's supposed to somehow heal their broken self-worth. . . & then they just make excuses about inhaling poison into their lungs, just to calm their nerves. . . then @ the end of their sad, lonely, pathetic day, they need another pill to make them forget everything & help them sleep ~ they're all just a legion of inebriated zombies milling in line @ the pharmacy, with their hand out, begging & pleading for that newest anti-depressant that they think will help put an artificial smile on their faces. . . they scrape & crawl for a scapegoat for all of their inadequacies & believe the Heavyweight champion when he says that the Smackdown Universe has a lot of those; don't tell him that they don't medicate themselves to forget about it all. . . to hide from all of their inadequacies. . . anybody who says that they don't, is a liar on top of all that, lying to themselves right now, to the person next to them, to their families when they go home & what's most insulting's that they're lying to the Straight-Edge Superstar, who can see right through all of them & their lies; Punk's not a liar, he's a man who means what he says & says what he means ~ a prophet, the choice of a new generation, a champion that everybody can finally be proud of, the 1st-ever Straight-Edge champion in the history of the WWE & if the Smackdown Universe isn't Straight-Edge like Punk, that just means that he's better than them
TAG TEAM MATCH: Cryme Tyme (JTG & Shad Gaspard) versus the Calgary Bulldogs (Tyson Kidd & David Hart Smith); Kidd beats JTB with a 'Blockbuster' Flipping Neckbreaker {PSYCHOLOGY: nice!}
backstage, Melina Perez enters the Divas locker room, where she spies a veritable cornucopia of pictures, featuring Women's champion Michelle McCool in the arms of Dolph Ziggler, which her friend Maria just can't see. . . too late, here she is now, the Future Ex-Missus FanBoy Mark Jabroni balks @ the idea that her boyfriend could be cheating on her & besides, if Perez thought that something was going on, why didn't she come to Maria, she didn't need to go put all of these pictures up; no, no, she's misconstrued the situation. . . no, Kanellis' done with this & she's done with Melina
the Great Khali defeats Kane via Disqualification After the Bald Red Machine Bashes the Punjabi Playboy with a Steel Chair {PSYCHOLOGY: of course. . . !}; after the match, the BalderTaker takes further liberties with his Breaking Point opponent, destroying the Farsi Flinger's leg with the ring steps, leaving Khali laying @ ringside, awaiting some EMTs to wheel him backstage on a gurney
Drew McIntyre saunters to the ring, where he states that it seems that "R~Truth" Ron Killings was involved in an unfortunate incident in the backstage area, so therefore it's his misfortune to have to inform the Smackdown Universe that he won't be able to compete tonight. . . but as for Charlie Haas, who's already standing in the ring, he's the winner by forfeit, congratulations. . . after Haas shakes McIntyre's hand, the newcomer drops the veteran with a 'Criminally Sexy' Swinging Snap Double Underhook DDT, then saunters backstage again
SMACKDOWN 2nd HOUR MAIN EVENT MATCH: Dave "The Animal" Batista pins WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho with a 'BatistaBomb' Sitout Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: seemed a rather foregone conclusion, didn't it!}; after the match, ECWWE's Josh Mathews bothers WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion the Big Show, who states that Batista got lucky this week, but if he were to choose to step into the ring with the former WCW Giant, then that'll be another story altogether