08/03/09 originating on USA Network {in the United States} & simulcast on the Score {in Canada}
commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole
from the Mohegan Sun Casino Arena in Uncasville, Connecticutt; now in WWE~HD
Celebrity Guest Host Jeremy Piven drives a Trans Am down to the base of the ring entrance ramp stage, then extracts "Hangover" star Doctor Ken from the trunk, then both men saunter down to the ring, where the Asian Gentleman introduces the 3-time Emmy nominee & vice versa, then Piven states that there's something that he's always wanted to do, namely have his own pyro; it's gonna be like July 4th all night long, as Jeremy has a huge show for the RAW Universe; before the dyspeptic duo can get too far into what's up for tonight, Mike "The Miz" Mizanin heads to the ring, where he asks if the RAW Celebrity Guest Host's having dun making a mockery of his show, as the Miz's an acclaimed television star himself; well, le Miz, they're here, they're actors & they're promoting the new movie "The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard" before Mizanin got here in WWE, he was on a reality show where he drank adult beverages & fell asleep in a hot tub. . . as Piven looks @ the crowd, he can tell that every single 1 of them has the goods, unlike when he looks into the eyes of Le Miz; as Doctor Ken mocks Mike's speaking, the former RAW & Smackdown Tag Team co-champion's not out here for them, he's out to get John Cena, who got lucky last week, as far as the Miz's concerned; Mizanin demands a rematch & since Piven's the Celebrity Guest Host, he's ordering the actor to make the match; well, no need to get rude, here comes the Doctor of Thuganomics now, welcoming both men to the show, but soon comes down to the chase. . . he can have the rematch, but last week it took about 2 minutes & it's not like he can't fit that time into his schedule, but the entire WWE Universe knows that Mizanin's just not very good, he has a face for radio & he's just kinda pathetic; tonight needs to be special, if this match's going ahead tonight, so since the whole world's going to see that cool movie on August 14th, where Piven's gonna be portraying the most successful car salesman ever. . . well, Jeremy has his work cut out for him, as Mike represents a 1975 rusted-out Ford Pinto ~ try bringing that to a nightclub on Friday night, see how many chicks you bring home; in a day & age where you can download a movie onto your cell phone & cook a turkey in under a ½-hour, the Celebrity Guest Host has to bring the heat tonight, somehow he has to make this interesting, the Chain Gang Commander knows that he's capable of it; years from now, when the sun's all burnt out, cars can fly & cats & dogs speak english, society will remember 2 things ~ on August 14th, 2009, they saw 1 helluva movie & when Jeremy Piven came to RAW, he delivered the goods; well, Piven thinks he's getting what Cena's putting down. . . since le Miz's been running & hiding, tonight's gonna be a Lumberjack Match & if Mike loses, he's banned from that SummerFest thingie that's happening in Los Angeles. . . oh, you mean Summerslam, taking place in Mizanin's backyard, John likes the sound of that; even better, if Mizanin loses, he's also banned from the Staples Center. . . as well as being banned from RAW, for all of eternity!
"All-American American" Jack Swagger pins Evan Bourne with an 'Orthodontist's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: quite a hard-fought opening match!}; after the match, Swagger takes some additional liberties with the health of Bourne, delivering a few splashes onto the fallen high-flyer, until Montell Vontavius Porter storms to the ring
in the RAW Celebrity Guest Host's office, Jeremy Piven & Doctor Ken are entertaining some RAW Divas, when the Emmy nominee asks the Asian Gentleman to go get WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion the Big Show, causing the self-proclaimed Asian Assassin to mock the former WCW Giant, who incidentally is standing right behind him; TBS' been embarrassed by last week's Celebrity Guest Host Shaquille O'Neal, but Jeremy's not about making fun of the slightly-pudgy wrestler who could likely breaking him in ½ like a twig. . . listen, they wanna take him to the next level, what does the Big Show want; well, he wants to beat the **** out of Piven, but as a counteroffer to save his own arse, the Celebrity Guest Host suggests a United States title match; but meanwhile, the sleveens have to enjoy the following RAW DIVAS TAG TEAM MATCH: Mickles (Gail Kim & Divas champion Mickie James) versus Phoenix-Hall ("Glamazon" Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall); Phoenix beats Kim with a 'Glam Slam' Elevated Wheelbarrow Faceplant {PSYCHOLOGY: where the hell's Jillian been? . . . & damn, that belt's awfully big!}
a video package plays, advertizing Summerslam, live on pay-per-view, August 23rd @ the Staples Center in Los Angeles, California
2-ON-1 HANDICAP MATCH: HHH versus Rhode$ to Ri¢he$ (Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior); Rhodes defeats the Game with a 'Cross Rhodes' Neckbreaking Reverse DDT {PSYCHOLOGY: it's all about the blame & how you lay it / what happened to the dog, why'dja have to go & spay it?}, after the match, the Cerebral Assassin states that he's in pain & the match didn't go as planned. . . he doesn't get this, is it just that these guys are that good, they keep beating him every which way he turns. . . maybe they're that tough, he used to be good @ this gang warfare stuff, maybe he has to bring back Evolution. . . naw, naw, that won't work, because Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton's a jerk, Dave "The Animal" Batista's a jerk & 2008 WWE Hall of Famer "Nature Boy" Ric Flair's out signing autographs @ a BFW show or something. . . maybe he should just make 1 phone call & if Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior ain't down with that, the King of Kings has 2 words for ya! . . .
in the RAW Celebrity Guest Host's office, Jeremy Piven & Doctor Ken are once again entertaining some Divas, when Chavo Guerrero Junior steps in & stands in awe of how Piven stars in that show with the people who eat all the bugs & stuff. . . no, that's Joe Rogan, actually; oh right, right, so he's that guy with Vince Vaughn in "Swingers". . . um, that's John Favreau, but that's okay, Charo. . . well, since he's been having some back luck with Horngobble these past few weeks, Jeremy suggests that Chavito Heat take the Leprechaun to the mat tonight
Carlito Caribbean Cool pins Primo Colon with a 'Backstabber' Cradling Falling Backbreaker {PSYCHOLOGY: well, I guess these 2 will be facing off in the opening match of Summerslam!}
before the following match, Celebrity Guest Host Jeremy Piven comes onto the TitanTron, stating that apparently Hornswaggle's come down with some adult chickenpox, so instead, he's arranged Chavo Guerrero Junior to face "Markswaggle". . . ; "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry beats Chavito Heat with a 'World's Strongest Slam' Fallforward Slam {PSYCHOLOGY: can the poor guy ever catch a break?}; after the match, Henry looks under the ring, where he finds Hornswaggle hanging out, so the former Sexual Chocolate horfs the Leprechaun into the ring, where Horny mounts the turnbuckle & delivers a debilitating 'Tadpole' Top-Rope Extending Mini-Splash; after some encouragement from his little friend, Henry does a little Irish jig heel-click, thus increasing the World's Strongest Man's t-shirt sales exponentially
WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho joins Cole & Lawler @ ringside for the following match, but 1st has a few choice words about the WWE Universe, who voted that last week's RAW Celebrity Guest Host, Shaquille O'Neal, would beat WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion the Big Show in a match, with votes of 83% for the NBA star & 17% for the former WCW Giant; RAW UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: champion Kofi Kingston defeats WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion the Big Show via Disqualification After TBS Refused to Stop Beating Kingston in The Corner {PSYCHOLOGY: well. . . okay, sure!}; after the match, not only does the former WCW Giant take more liberties with Kofi, he also takes a chunk out of Referee Charles Robinson as well
backstage, HHH's indeed making his 1 phone call, but the person on the other end of the line sounds real busy, so the Game'll make this real quick. . . the Cerebral Assassin doesn't care if he's said he's retired, he's said it so many times that it doesn't mean anything anymore; was he must watching what Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior did to the King of Kings? . . . he wasn't watching? . . . he's where? . . . he's doing what? . . . HHH thought he didn't do jobs, put all that stuff behind him, because as of right now, the Game needs him here & the Cerebral Assassin just has 1 question, are you ready? . . . hello? . . . hello!? . . .
before the following match, Celebrity Guest Host Jeremy Piven & Doctor Ken saunter out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where they reveal that they're actually bigger fans of RAW Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, than of John Cena, so they've hand-picked every single Lumberjack themselves ~ namely the champion himself, Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase Junior, Chavo Guerrero Junior, Carlito Caribbean Cool, "Masterpiece" Chris Masters & "All-American American" Jack Swagger ~ to ensure that there's a distinctly-tarheelian outcome for the following MAIN EVENT, LUMBERJACK MATCH: the Doctor of Thuganomics pins the Doctor of Thuganomics with an 'Attitude Adjuster' Fireman's Slam {PSYCHOLOGY: well, I guess the Miz's out of Summerslam, after all!}; after the match, of all people, Celebrity Guest Host Jeremy Piven mounts the top turnbuckles, only to get used as a battering ram against all the other interfering wrestlers; then, to defend his friend, Doctor Ken steps into the ring with his cane & bashes the Doctor of Thuganomics across the back, then, when the Chain Gang Commander's face-to-face with him, the "Hangover" star feigns innocence, proclaiming that they won. . . only to have his all-too-clever ruse backfire by being tossed over the top rope, onto the congregation of Swagger, 3C & Masters @ ringside, leaving Cena to eyeball the Heavyweight champion up on the ring entrance ramp stage
08/04/09 originating on SyFy {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night
commentating by Josh Mathews & the Slammy Award-winning Matt Striker
from the Nassau Coliseum in Uniondale, New York; now in WWE~HD
Abraham Washington saunters out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where he thanks the ECWWE Universe, they're too much. . . now @ this time, he calls for applause from the crowd, then expresses his excitement upon hearing that they were coming to New York. . . but then, he was sad & disappointed to find out they were coming to Long Island; after joking about having no money left for them to steal, because he had to spend it on extra security; naw, naw, he's just joshing witcha, but unlike other late night talk shows {no David Lettermans mentioned} Abraham wanted to extend a formal welcome to former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin {sorry bub, TNA did that months ago. . .}, she's more than welcome on Washington's Show. . . please feel free to come sit on his lap- err, couch, because he knows that she hasn't got anything better to do, it's not like she has a job or anything; out comes Zack Ryder, who proclaims that everybody knows that the only good thing to come out of Long Island's the former EdgeHead, so it's no strain on the brain to assume that everybody in the arena's here to hear Ryder say Woo-WOO-Woo, you know it! . . . but more importantly, his girlfriend's in the audience, what's up baby girl, XOXO; man, Zack must be out of his mind, coming out here & putting his feet up onto Abraham's coffee table, it ain't even paid for yet, he's gonna lose his Rent-a-Center deposit if Ryder's not careful. . . originally, he was supposed to have "Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin on tonight, but Zack instead suggests that Washington have him as a guest, as he's charismatic, athletic, good-looking & has a killer sense of style; when Washington reveals that Zack's sense of style makes him look like Grimace dressed in a Heather Mills outfit, Ryder decides he's not gonna have any of that, he can sing, he can dance, he's the only guest that Abraham needs, Benjamin can't even hold a candle to him, bro; well, as a point of fact, he didn't even want Shelton on the Abraham Washington show, he's only doing it because General Manager Tiffany made him book the Gold Standard. . . ain't no stoppin' Washington from falling asleep from watching Shelton's boring arse; well, dem's sauntering out onto the ring entrance ramp stage words, as Benjamin eyeballs his 2 'antagonists", stating that if he said what he wanted to say, then ECWWE'd get thrown off the air, what with it being a PG show now; but he has a solution, the Gold Standard's gonna talk to Washington & Ryder like they were Smurfs. . . they know who those little blue guys are, right, living in the woods, in little mushroom houses. . . speaking of mushrooms, by looking @ Zack's outfit, he's obviously had a few; so, they have this dumb Smurf out here, standing next to this piece of Smurf, on this Smurfed-up show, talking trash about the Gold Standard ~ well, quite frankly, they can both go Smurf themselves; oh yeah, come on out here on Abraham Washington's show & disrespect him, ya fake Dennis Rodman reject. . . this ain't the Hip Hop Source Awards, Shelton has to calm down; if Benjamin thinks he's being cute talking Smurfy, then the Gold Standard can go kiss his natural black Azzzzrael; shut the Smurf up. . . & funny that Ryder should say that he was giving a shout-out to his girlfriend, because so was Shelton, earlier tonight. . . but then again, who hasn't been giving her a "shout-out"? . . . ; what, is Shelton pissed because Zack's substantially more entertaining than he is, he's way better, hair & all; well, if Benjamin wants to prove that he's more entertaining, then it's up to him, anytime, anywhere; hey, what a great idea, never mind that American Idol ****, tonight, for the 1st time in ECWWE, it's Abraham Idol, where Zack & Shelton have to compete to see who's the more entertaining Superstar; since Ryder's the guest, Washington gives him the choice of song that he can sing, then the Gold Standard has to sing the exact same tune & whoever's better's the winner; well, since his girl's in the arena, Zack dedicates Hootie & the Blow Fish's "Only Wanna Be With You" to her; after the Long Islander butchers the 1st coupla lines of a song he didn't even know all the lyrics to, it's Shelton's turn & he comparatively knocks it out of the park. . . naturally prompting Ryder to take out his aggressions with his fists
Ezekiel Jackson beats Danny Danger with a 'Big & Bad' Urinagi Bomb {PSYCHOLOGY: again, typed up from the opening bell ~ what are you thinking, WWE?!}; after the squashtastic excuse for a match, the not-even-sweaty Jackson eyeballs Vladimir Kozlov as he Russkies to the ring & decimates the fallen Danger
backstage, General Manager Tiffany wishes the Bella Twins luck in their upcoming match, then talks to a female stagehand, who gets mysteriously saved by Hurricane Helms, who then WHOOSHes off to save somebody else's day; wen she tries to explain to the GM, "Ripper" Paul Burchill walks by & sums up my thinking on the whole idea, calling it ridiculous
DID YOU KNOW. . . WWE broadcasts in 30 languages in more than 145 nations worldwide & are available in 500,000,000 television households worldwide; betcha Sheamus O'Shaunessy knew that, as he defeats Goldust with a Roll-Up {PSYCHOLOGY: after catching Goldie trying to come off the top rope}; after the match, Sheamus proclaims that he came to ECWWE for gold, but all he found was dust, so now he's taken 1 more step towards claiming ECWWE as his own-OW, STOP HITTING HIM GOLDUST!!
backstage, "Innovator of Extreme" Tommy Dreamer proclaims that, even though the Peeps' Champion's a great wrestler, Extreme Rules is his match & in front of Tommy's Extreme Peeps, he's gonna win back his title in the following MAIN EVENT, EXTREME RULES, ECWWE HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: champion Christian pins Dreamer with a 'Kill Switch' Crucifix Faceplant Onto a Car Door {PSYCHOLOGY: surprise, no title change on free TV!}
the official theme song for Summerslam's "You Gotta Move" by Aerosmith, on tour all summer long ~ check out www.aeroforceone.com for tickets & information
08/06/09 originating on WGN America {in the United States}
RAW commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole
ECWWE commentating by Josh Mathews & Slammy-Award-winning Matt Striker
Smackdown commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross & the Slammy Award-winning Todd Grisham
RAW MATCH: "Masterpiece" Chris Masters makes Santino Marella Submit with a 'Masterlock' Swinging Full-Nelson' {PSYCHOLOGY: sun-da-ma-gun! . . .}
ECWWE TAG TEAM MATCH: the New British Empire (William Regal & "Ripper" Paul Burchill) versus Tuft~Yamamoto (Tyler Reks & Yoshi Tatsu); Regal beats Reks with a Floatover {PSYCHOLOGY: take that, damned Colonials!}
DID YOU KNOW. . . more people watched Superstars last Thursday, than any other program on VH1 or ESPN! . . . ; betcha ECWWE's Vladimir Kozlov knew that, as a video package plays, once more showing us his most unusual training regimen, including shouldertackling & suplexing a punching bag
Dolph Ziggler joins Ross & Grisham @ ringside for special guest commmentary for the following MAIN EVENT, SMACKDOWN MATCH: Intercontinental champion Rey Mysterio Junior defeats Mike Knox via Disqualification After Dolph Interferes in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: as that a pimple on the side of Ziggler's head?!}; after the match, as both Ziggler & Knox try to corner Rey-Rey, the Biggest Little Man manages to slither away to safety
08/07/09 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}
commentating by Slammy Award-winning Todd Grisham & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross
from the Nassau Coliseum in Uniondale, New York; now in WWE~HD
CM Punk Killswitch Engages to the ring, where he proclaims that he tried so very hard to empathize with all of the Smackdown Universe's weaknesses. . . he implored with each & every 1 of them to just say no. . . but all that happened was that they all just loved Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy that much more than they already did; the Straight-Edge Superstar's gonna stay the course, because he very much wants to teach the Smackdown Universe right from wrong, while it's gonna assuredly be a big challenge, but like other big challenges in his life, Punk's gonna face it head-on {apply directly to the forehead!} just like he did last week; he now knows why they all love the Rainbow-Haired Warrior so much, because he's so much like them. . . the reality's that none of them have the strength to be Straight Edge, they gravitate towards the Charismatic Enigma because it's easy, they haven't got what it takes to be strong like Punk; they all boo him because he tells the truth & that hurts; what does it say on their prescription drug bottles, take 1 every 4 hours ~ well, don't even try to tell the Straight-Edge Superstar that they don't gobble them down 4 or 5 @ a time, like they were candy & that's drug abuse; he doesn't abuse drugs or cigarettes & those who do are stupid, because they don't listen to the Surgeon General, who has those warnings printed right on the packages; now let's talk about those funny cigarettes. . . they obviously know what he's talking about, because the Smackdown Universe cheered when he mentioned it, that's just sad ~ not only is it hazardous to themselves, it's also illegal, so they're not only endangering themselves, but breaking the law as well, which's something that he's never done; now let's talk about the gateway drug, alcohol. . . don't anybody in the Smackdown Universe try to tell him that they've never gone out for 1 drink, which turned into 2, which turned into a coupla shots of something else, until the alcoholic's spending more time in the toilet than on the barstool; in Punk's book, if they even take 1 drink, they're alcoholics, so he understands why they love the Heavyweight champion, because he's just as weak as they are. . . but fear not, CM Punk's more than willing to be strong for them, so that they can learn to emulate him & just say no. . . they need a strong leader who'll carry the banner of the Heavyweight title with honour, pride, respect, dignity, integrity & class ~ in short, they need the Straight-Edge Superstar; then, for some reason, instead of having it @ the end of the show, like a non-mental-case booker would, they instead have a Main Event match @ the start of the show. . . but while the 2 are too busy brawling in the ring to start wrestling the match, various WWE officials come to the ring to separate them, then WWE Owner Vince McMahon powerwalks out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where he declares that, since General Manager Theodore R. Long can't control, he's on probation; now the McMahonopolizer's gonna have to name a Special Guest Ring Enforcer, but he's gonna make the Smackdown Universe wait to hear who it is, since he's obviously gonna do what any self-respecting non-mental-case booker would do & reschedule this bout for the Main Event; well, dem's charging CM Punk words, as the Rainbow-Haired Charismatic Enigmatic Warrior jumps @ his Straight-Edge Superstar antagonist, who merely slips out of the ring & scampers backstage
John Morrison pins Tyson Kidd with a 'Starship Pain' Split-Legged Corkscrew Moonsault {PSYCHOLOGY: all typed up, as Kidd was walking down to the ring, maybe WWE should stop booking with such predictability!}
the official theme song for Summerslam's "You Gotta Move" by Aerosmith, on tour all summer long ~ check out www.aeroforceone.com for tickets & information; Summerslam's live on pay-per-view on August 23rd; backstage, Cryme Tyme ~ aka the Future WWE Unified Tag Team champions ~ for another edition of "Word Up" & this week's word's "Pretenda: a fake, a fraud, a wannabee, a paper champion"; they Eve Torres starts naming off Pretendas ~ Ashley Simpson, Milli Vanilli, not to mention JTG's choices of "Christina" Jericho & "Chewbacca" Big Show; speaking of Pretendas, in steps Jesse Dalton, but he ain't no Pretenda, he's so official, he has to carry a whistle; he just came out to congratulate his boys on earning a shot @ Y2J & Big Slow @ Summerslam; speaking of the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah, he knows that his dawg JTG's gonna take that Wanksta down tonight, but 1st, they should keep an eye on their monitors, because Jesse's about to prove how real he is; DID YOU KNOW. . . last Friday night, Smackdown was the #1 rated program on television among all male viewers, beating all programs on broadcast & cable! . . . ; betcha "Slam Master J" Jesse Dalton knew that, as he beats Charlie Haas with a 'SMJ' Top-Rope Splash {PSYCHOLOGY: Bo Derek corn rolls, represent!}
Intercontinental champion Rey Mysterio Junior Booyakas to ringside to join JR & Grisham for special guest commentary for the following FATAL 4-WAY, SUMMERSLAM #1 CONTENDERSHIP, SMACKDOWN INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH: "R~Truth" Ron Killings versus Fit Finlay versus Dolph Ziggler versus Mike Knox; the Former Spirit Squader defeats the Tough Irish **** with an 'NTN' Jumping Russian Legsweep {PSYCHOLOGY: but will he take the belt, this time around @ Summerslam?}; after the match, after Ziggler goes to make some noise @ the champion, Finlay grabs a handful of Dolph's hair, which distracts him long enough for Rey-Rey to drop him with an 'El Colibri' Springboard Splash from the broadcast table; DID YOU KNOW. . . over 1,000,000 women watched Smackdown last Friday, beating all programming on Oxygen, CW or the Lifetime Network! . . . ; betcha Maria Kanellis knew that, as she gushes about how happy she is being Dolph's girlfriend, but Melina Perez tries to warn her friend about how treacherous he is. . . but that's how he is inside the ring, but outside the ring, he's kind, sweet, funny & wonderful, she really loves being with him; well, Perez says that as long as he treats her right, then she can't really argue with the logic of the Future Ex-Missues FanBoy Mark Jabroni
JTG pins WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho with an 'Inside Cradle' Tangling Pinfall {PSYCHOLOGY: how long was it that they had their last Unified champion carrying around 2 belts, before they were amalgamated into a new championship?}; after the match, Y2J continues bawling @ the referee, with fellow WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion the Big Show essentially standing behind him & saying "yeah!"
the Great Khali beats Ricky Ortiz with a 'Punjabi Plunge' Standing Chokebomb {PSYCHOLOGY: in the amount of time it took me to have a piss!}; after the match, Kane Bald Red Machines to the ring, where he blind sides the Punjabi Playboy & dumps him over the top rope, leaving Ranjun Singh alone with the BalderTaker, who quickly takes full advantage of his immense size, by dominating the smaller man & ultimately dragging him out into the Smackdown Universe, kicking & punching his prey, then dragging him off by the arm
the Special Guest Ring Enforcer, the returning Matt Hardy, Monster Magnets to the ring for the following MAIN EVENT, SMACKDOWN HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: champion Jeff Hardy defeats CM Punk with a Cradling Pinfall {PSYCHOLOGY: after the Former Mattitude Practitioner does his best to distract the Straight-Edge Superstar, after Punk had accidentally nailed Matt with a Baseball Slide while the Charismatic Enigma was confronting his brother @ ringside}; after the match, just when we all thought that Punk was just gonna go backstage & lick his wounds, he decides to inflict a few onto the Rainbow-Haired Warrior with some boots & a steel chair. . . but he does makes sure that his Summerslam opponent's gonna be in shape to lose his title in a few weeks, telling the EMTs to take good care of him; before Punk can escape, General Manager Theodore R. Long holla-holla-hollas out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, declaring that, as long as the Charismatic Warrior's okay to compete by August 23rd, then the Straight-Edge Superstar can in fact wrestle him for the Heavyweight title, but in a match that's 1 of the specialities of the Rainbow-Haired Enigma, a Tables, Ladders & Chairs match!