*PLEASE NOTE*
The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some tag team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.
06/22/09 originating on USA Network {in the United States} & simulcast on the Score {in Canada}
commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole
from the Resch Center in Green Bay, Wisconsin; now in WWE~HD
RAW Owner Donald Trump's escorted onto the ring entrance ramp stage by Kelly Kelly, where he welcomes the WWE Universe to his inaugural show, it's their show after all & to show them that, he reiterates that it's commercial-free for them; the Donald's proud to give the WWE Universe a main event-calibre for free tonight, because he's a giver & WWE Owner Vince McMahon's a taker; after the show, he offers a full refund of whatever the audience paid for their tickets, $245,000 US being given back to the fans, as only he can do; after the new RAW Owner departs, John Cena enters, stopping the presses about, in order. . . taking off his hat to Trump, for giving the WWE Universe a Heavyweight title match for free on a commercial-free broadcast & on top of that, the fans get their money back, that's off the hizzle; hell, the Doctor of Thuganomics even gets to wrestle the Big Show, so it's all gravy; the Donald's done what ever other WWE Superstar's tried to do on RAW & that's make a statement, just like Mike "The Miz" Mizanin, who's been talking smack about the Doctor of Thuganomics over the past month, but @ least he had something. . . "interesting" to say, so let's not beat around the bush this week & let's find out what the former reality television star has to say; the Monk of Mojo saunters out to the ring, where he proclaims that if Cena wants to know what Mizanin has to say to him, but he's said all that he's needed to say, since John's clearly a coward ~ interesting word, from a little fish in this big pond, swimming all the way over there. . . well, dem's stepping-closer-&-repeating-himself words, as the Miz gets all up in Cena's grill & calls him a coward yet again; this is the time of the show where Mike would be picking up his own teeth, but not tonight, as the Doctor of Thuganomics proposes to give Mizanin exactly what he wants ~ if he wants to grab onto that brass ring & be as awesome as the Miz proposes he already is. . . but this is a classic case of Good News, Bad News. . . the Monk of Mojo will finally get his wish, a main event match @ the Bash against John Cena. . . which is curiously both the good news & bad news; every week over the past month, Mike's come out here & bad-mouthed the Chain Gang Commander, who's put his life on the line in the Hammerstein Ballroom @ the 2nd ECWWE-only 1 Night Stand pay-per-view, he's been booed out of the Hall of Fame Ceremony, he's had 85,000 WWE Universers tell him he can't wrestle on the grandest stage of them all & he's still here ~ Cena doesn't get rattled, but the Miz's bones will, when John locks him in the 'STFU' "Submission Through Fear" Stepover Toehold Facelock & he's praying for the Doctor of Thuganomics to let go. . . or like the 1st time that John's hand hits Mike & ½ his face goes numb. . . or like when Mizanin finally gets in that ring on Sunday & feels all those eyes on him, then realizes he brought a knife to a gunfight; so in 6 days, the Miz'll realize that he doesn't belong up in the face of the Doctor of Thuganomics & the Real World's been cancelled. . . before he Monk of Mojo realizes that he's not a reality show has-been, he's a WWE never-will-be; Mike, openly flummoxed, stands there & glares, as Cena tells him he'd better just head back to the locker room, sit on down & pray that he makes it out of the Bash in 1 piece; instead, Mike opts to throw his mic into Cena's face, then lays some knuckles upside the grill of the former Heavyweight champion, which hardly phases him, but sends the former RAW & Smackdown Tag Team co-champion scampering backstage
a video package plays, showing WWE Owner Vince McMahon fuming @ the fact that he got the lemon of the 2 WWE limousines, as obviously RAW Owner Donald Trump got the good 1 & he got the back-up that breaks down when idiot chauffeurs drive it, leaving them stranded near some sorta cow patty or something. . . ; when the driver suggests that the nearest gas station's not that far away, the McMahonopolizer explodes, exclaiming that he's never been to 1 in his entire life. . . but when the alternate plan ~ that they should walk to the arena, which's clearly visible in the none-too-distant horizon ~ Vinnie-Mac balks @ the very idea that he's gonna walk up to the arena where 1 of his shows' being put off, he doesn't walk anywhere {which explains why he's in such good shape? . . .}; on 2nd thought, McMahon decides that they will walk. . . or rather the chauffeur's gonna walk & Vince's gonna ride on his back; when the driver collapses under the hulking weight of the billionaire on his back, the Genetic Jackhammer screams for him to go to the arena himself & have the other limo brought here, while not driven by such an incompetent, with McMahon waiting in his broken-down car
Smackdown's commentator, the Slammy-Award-Winning Todd Grisham & WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross, do their best to hype Kentucky Grilled Chicken, RAW's solitary sponsor, then are joined by Heavyweight champion CM Punk @ ringside for special guest commentary for the following SMACKDOWN 6-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH: the Great Hardy Mystery (the Great Khali & the High-Flying Enigmas {Jeff Hardy & Rey Mysterio Junior}) versus No Conceit in Their Families (Edge & Life's Winners {Intercontinental champion Chris Jericho & Dolph Ziggler}); Hardy pins Ziggler with a 'Swanton' Arching Centon Bomb {PSYCHOLOGY: nice!}; after the match, the Straight-Edge Superstar steps into the ring to congratulate the Charismatic Enigma, which causes the Rainbow-Haired Warrior to get all pissy @ his Bash opponent, for stealing his Rainbow-Haired Charismatic Enigmatic Warrior thunder
backstage, WWE Owner Vince McMahon, having clearly finally made it to the arena in 1 piece, but then he can't get into RAW Owner Donald Trump's office; suddenly, "Miss WrestleMania" Santina Marella sneaks up on Vinie-Mac, who's livid @ the thought of the Donald giving away his money to refund all the WWE Universe's money for tonight's show; Santino's "twin sister" has an idea, why don't they just share an office, McMahon & the Donald, they could be just like McDonalds. . . but then, Trump finally exits his office, clarifying that, as the Owner of RAW, this is now his office, not Vince's, which is just down the hall there, the Donald's sure that the McMahonopolizer's gonna be quite happy with it; when Miss WrestleMania introduces "herself" to Trump, he does the same thing that he did to Miss California, firing "her"; incredibly, in steps Santino Marella mere seconds later from the opposite direction, @ 1st worrying about what will come of his "twin sister", then apathy takes over & he goes about his daily routine
DID YOU KNOW. . . more male watched RAW last Monday than every show on cable, ABC, the CW, FOX & NBC! . . . ; betcha WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion Primo Colon knew that, as he accompanies his brother & fellow WWE Unified Tag Team co-champion, Carlito Caribbean Cool, to the ring for his upcoming match; Primo states that it must be cool for Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior to hang out with Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton all the time, they get to do all kinds of cool errands for the champ, they all go & tan together on the beach, as well as this juicy bit of rumour that 3C's heard through the grapevine. . . Orton's apparently said that Cody & Ted rub oil onto his body like nobody else; but seriously, after the Bash on Sunday, Dos Colons will still be the WWE Unified Tag Team champions, while Rhodes & DiBiase will be stuck with the Legend Killer leftovers; Cody beats Primo with a 'Roll-Up' Pinfall & a Handful of Tights {PSYCHOLOGY: sploof!}
in the locker room area, WWE Owner Vince McMahon looks rather put-out, as he has to put up with the antics of Hornswaggle & Goldust, the latter reminding Vinnie-Mac that the former was once thought to be his bastard son. . . but what the former WWF Intercontinental champion's really got on his mind's that, like Bill Goldberg before him, the McMahonopolizer could do with a golden wig; once McMahon's had enough of these 2 fools, Goldie tells him that his office's over there, in that bathroom stall. . . which, apparently, ever after Vince asks for a single shred of dignity, causes Festus Dalton to flush & emerge from the now-suffiently-christened "office", handing off a Wall Street Journal as the Cornfed Colossus exits the restroom
LAST MAN STANDING, RAW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton versus HHH Goes to a No Contest When Neither Man Can Answer a 10-Count {PSYCHOLOGY: now that was a hellacious match!}; after the match, the Game's led off by some trainers, but not before he takes 1 last swing @ the Legend Killer!
backstage, Mike "The Miz" Mizanin bothers Divas champion Maryse Ouellet, who blows him off in a way that he doesn't envision, stating that his actions so far ~ 1 cheap shot ~ means nothing; well, that's just the beginning, he's not phased by John Cena, he's gonna beat the tar out of the Doctor of Thuganomics
RAW Owner Donald Trump saunters down the ring entrance ramp, accompanied by Smackdown's Maria Kanellis & Eve Torres, where he asks if the WWE Universe's having a good time, there's nothing like good ownership; earlier tonight, he told them that they were all getting their money back & for the WWE Universers @ home, he announced that they're commercial-free; instead of appointing a General Manager, the Donald decides to declares that there's gonna be a celebrity host every week, he doesn't believe in GMs; Trump's gonna be working for the WWE Universe & they're all gonna get tonnes of freebies; before he can make a stellar announcement for WrestleMania 26, WWE Owner Vince McMahon powerwalks to the ring & declares that he's had enough, he had no idea that Donald would do a commercial-free RAW, nor that the WWE Universers in Green Bay will get their money back, but what's this about RAW being free every week ~ if Trump keeps this up, then Vinnie-Mac'll be bankrupt in 6 months; 1st, the Donald paid big bucks for the right to RAW, but there's apparently bigwigs out there **** willing to double Trump's price; wait a second, he played the McMahonopolizer,but he admits that Donald's smarter than the Genetic Jackhammer, so let's let bygones be bygones, Vince'll just give Trump's money back & they'll call it even; when Donald expresses no interest, McMahon adds 25%. . . then 50%. . . then 75%. . . then, as a last resort, the WWE Owner offers the RAW Owner double his money back, which's a deal; if Trump ever crosses Vince's path again. . . if he ever sees that billionaire logo around anywhere, Vinnie-Mac'll be on him like a fat kid on a Smartie; after McMahon vehemently fires the Apprentice host, Trump lays 5 fingers upside the McMahonopolizer's chops, makes 1 last goodbye to the WWE Universe, then gets escorted backstage, where McMahon stops by to ask if Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton's in pain. . . it's nothing compared to what he's expecting to have happen @ the Bash Sunday when he faces HHH in a Best-2-Out-of-3-Falls match ~ a Regular match, Falls-Count-Anywhere match & a Stretcher match, in a 3 Stages of Hell match ~ but that's 6 days from now, Vinnie-Mac's just gonna enjoy his newly-reacquired RAW
6-DIVA TAG TEAM MATCH: Slip 'Em a Mickey Finn (Mickey James & the Bella Twins {Brie & Nikki Bella}) versus Voulez-Vous Couchez Avec Moi (Divas champion Maryse Ouellet & Master/Slave {"Glamazon" Beth Phoenix & Rosa Mendes}); James defeats Mendes with a 'Mick Kick' Crescent Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: ouchies!}
DID YOU KNOW. . . WWE will create more original TV shows than Showtime & HBO combined! . . . ; betcha PepsiCo knew that, as their new product, Kentucky Grilled Chicken, remains the sole sponsor for tonight's RAW
a video package plays, showing John Cena marking out about 7-time Major League Baseball All-Star, Chicago Cubs player Alfonso Soriano, who busts out the "You Can't See Me" hand gesture after nailing some zingers; MAIN EVENT MATCH: the Big Show pins the Doctor of Thuganomics with a Mighty Shove from Mike "The Miz" Mizanin {PSYCHOLOGY: just as the Chain Gang Commander's about to lay out the former WCW Giant with an 'Attitude Adjuster' Fireman's Slam}; after the match, the Monk of Mojo slithers into the ring & taunts the unconscious Cena
backstage, Heavyweight champion "Legend Killer" Randy Orton's seen heading for his car, when HHH jumps him & tries to stuff his former Evolution teammate into the trunk of Orton's rental car, then, once the Game realizes that Randy won't fit, he whispers a promise into his Bash opponent, proclaiming that it's less than a week until he gets his hands on the Legend Killer & reclaims his title
06/23/09 originating on the Sci-Fi Network {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night
commentating by Josh Mathews & the Slammy Award-winning Matt Striker
from the Bradley Center in Milwaukee, Wisconsin; now in WWE~HD
Evan Bourne beats Tyson Kidd with an 'Air Bourne' 450° Shooting Star Press {PSYCHOLOGY: what a match ~ could've easily been the main event, if WWE wasn't going into a pay-per-view this Sunday!}
Fit Finlay ambles down to the ring, where he declares that WWE Universe reactions to his own actions of last week have amazed him, it's interesting how quickly people forget things. . . when he broke up that fight between Christian & Heavyweight champion "Innovator of Extreme" Tommy Dreamer which caused his own eye to get injured, the Tough Irish Bastard never received 1 text message or phone call to see how he was. . . while Finlay himself was sitting @ home, wondering if he'd even be able to come back to WWE, how he could provide for his family; well, apologies don't pay the bills, so what he did last week was an eye for an eye; out saunters Zack Ryder, who proclaims that Fit'd better get his head out of the Bash's Heavyweight Championship Scramble, for he has to face ECWWE's real man tonight, woo-woo-woo; Finlay defeats Ryder with a Roll-Up & a Handful of Tights {PSYCHOLOGY: still having problems with that eye, but it never handicapped him from his usual shenanigans!}; DID YOU KNOW. . . more people watched last night's RAW than any episode in the last 7 years! . . . ; betcha Matt Striker knew that, as he enters the ring with his ever-entertaining blackboard, to outlay the rules behind the Championship Scramble this Sunday, pitting Dreamer against Finlay, Captain Charisma, "All-American American" Jack Swagger & "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry; 2 Superstars start the match, with another entering every 5 minutes & when 1 of them scores a pinfall during the match, they're the Interim Heavyweight champion & whoever's the champ @ the end of the 20-minute match, that's the new Heavyweight champion; backstage, Gregory Helms bothers Henry, who declares tonight's gonna be like any other night, as- BOOM! a backstage tech gets trapped under some equipment. . . in the few seconds that the camera's off him, Helms disappears, only to have the Hurricane miraculously appear a few feet over, to lend a hand to the fallen tech. . . then, after he WHOOSHes away, Gregory's suddenly beside the World's Strongest Man again; MAIN EVENT, TAG TEAM MATCH: the World's Americanest Men ("All-American American" Jack Swagger & "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry) versus ECWWE Attitude (Christian & Heavyweight champion "Innovator of Extreme" Tommy Dreamer); Swagger pins the Instant Classic with an 'Orthodontists's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: nice, but will it have any effect on the Championship Scramble Sunday?}; after the match, Mark takes a swing @ the fallen Christian. . . then drops his Tag Team partner with a 'World's Strongest Slam' Fallforward Slam
06/25/09 originating on WGN America {in the United States}
RAW commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole
ECWWE commentating by Josh Mathews & Slammy-Award-winning Matt Striker
Smackdown commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross & the Slammy Award-winning Todd Grisham
from the Resch Center in Green Bay, Wisconsin; now in WWE~HD
ECWWE MATCH: "All-American American" Jack Swagger beats Evan Bourne with an 'Orthodontist's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: 2 victories in a row for the former ECWWE Heavyweight champion!}
DID YOU KNOW. . . more people watched Superstars last Thursday than any show on VH1, the SciFi Network, E! or ESPN! . . . ; betcha Smackdown's Dolph Ziggler knew that, as he smarms to the ring & declares that the 3 Divas who were rendered speechless last week on Smackdown were an anomaly ~ after this Sunday when he once again outsmarts & defeats the Great Khali, they'll never again forget his name; SMACKDOWN MATCH: Ziggler defeats Jimmy Wang Yang with a 'NTN' Jumping Russian Legsweep {PSYCHOLOGY: surprise!!}
backstage, ECWWE's Josh Mathews bothers RAW United States champion Kofi Kingston, who declares that a true champion has to constantly be tested & as the U.S. champion, he's prepared to take on Matt Hardy & Montell Vontavius Porter, 2 former titlists, in the following MAIN EVENT, RAW UNITED STATES TITLE, TRIPLE THREAT MATCH: champion Kingston versus the Former Mattitude Practitioner versus MVP; Kofi pins Hardy with a 'Trouble in Paradise' Xuanfengjiao Tornado Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: boom, boom, boom!}
06/26/09 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}
commentating by Slammy Award-winning Todd Grisham & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross
from the Bradley Center in Milwaukee, Wisconsin; now in WWE~HD
WWE Owner Vince McMahon powerwalks to the ring, where he declares that it's good to be back on Smackdown, with the speculation that there's ever a few members of the WWE Universe happy to see him; what's that smell? . . . it's Cheese Country, there's a buncha Cheese Heads here in the Bradley Center & no doubt somebody cut the cheese. . . no wait, that's not it, there's an overwhelming stench of fear in this arena, they're all afraid of Vinnie-Mac, as well as their bosses, most likely. . . or maybe they're all just afraid of losing their jobs; the vast majority of the WWE Universe, had they been graded on their job performance in an impartial way, then no doubt there wouldn't be an employed WWE Universe Cheese Head around; the McMahonopolizer calls out General Manager Theodore R. Long, who holla-holla-hollas to the ring & offers his hand in greeting to McMahon, who demands that he stick that hand in his pocket & wipe that stupid grin off of his face. . . now, before Vince does what he has to do, he wants Teddy to tell him what he has in mind for Smackdown tonight & it better be good; well, as it just so happens, Long's excited about tonight's Main Event, Tag Team match, pitting Edge & Intercontinental champion Chris Jericho against Rey Mysterio Junior & Jeff Hardy, now how do ya like that; that's not good enough for the WWE Owner, what else does he have. . . since he asked, Long indicates that it'll be a Rag in the Cage match, with Heavyweight champion CM Punk as the special guest referee; well, instead of flat-out firing the General Manager, Vinnie-Mac decides to put him on probation; before the WWE Owner can even head backstage, he's interrupted by "R~Truth" Ron Killings, who hip-hops to the ring, where he awaits "Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin, who himself asks if they're really gonna do this again; well, here's the real truth, when somebody like Killings proclaims that he's come up on the streets, but Benjamin thinks it's just a line for underachievers; Shelton actually went to college & got a real education; the only thing that R~Truth has going for him's what he mentioned in his song, he's skippin' & jumpin'. . . well, now that the Gold Standard mentions it, maybe he should make some grammatical suggestions, he don't be anything. . . Benjamin don't be the Gold Standard, he is the Gold Standard; so after Shelton be beating Killings, he can be skippin' & jumpin' out of the WWE & out of Shelton's life; Killings beats Benjamin with a 'Lie Detector' Corkscrew Elbow {PSYCHOLOGY: therefore, a former NWA Heavyweight champion's better than a former WWE United States & Intercontinental champion!}
in the General Manager's office, Theodore R. Long looks on, as WWE Owner Vince McMahon mocks Rey Mysterio Junior for likely being about to lose his mask @ the Bash, when Intercontinental champion Chris Jericho defeats him, then everybody'll who started watching wrestling after 2001 will finally know what he looks like unmasked; after the Biggest Little Man spanishes @ the McMahonopolizer, Vinnie-Mac declares that from now on, we only speak english on Smackdown
DID YOU KNOW. . . more people watched last night's RAW than any episode in the last 7 years! . . . ; betcha these 4 Divas knew that, as they head to the ring for the following SMACKDOWN DIVAS TAG TEAM MATCH: Gold's a Girl's Best Friend (Gail Kim & Melina Perez) versus Les Renards (Michelle McCool & Alicia Fox); McCool defeats Kim with a 'Faith Breaker' Piledriving Faceplant {PSYCHOLOGY: blammo!}
backstage, WWE Owner Vince McMahon & Smackdown General Manager TheodoreR. Long find Heavyweight champion CM Punk preparing for his non-title match against John Morrison, the former indicating that he finds that wrist thingy that the Straight-Edge Superstar rather cool, but that pales in comparison to somebody who won Money-in-The-Bank twice, cashed it in twice & @ Extreme Rules he became the champion for the 2nd time, that's gotta be an unbelievable feeling for Punk; well, it's all thanks to his Straight-Edge lifestyle, he doesn't need drugs or alcohol, he gets high on competition & the best high of all's crushing his opponents & coming out on top, something that Punk has no doubt that Vinnie-Mac knows all about; the Guru of Greatness pins the Heavyweight champion with a Butterflying Cradling Pinfall in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: amazing match, amazing victory for Morrison!}; after the match, Punk makes like he's gonna respect the better man in the match, but then drops Morrison with a 'Go To Sleep' Falling Kneestrike
the official theme song for the Bash's "WhyYaWannaBringMeDown" by Aranda from their self-titled album, available now
backstage, ECWWE's Josh Mathews bothers Intercontinental champion Chris Jericho, who keeps going on about how Rey Mysterio's mask's his addiction & Y2J will save him from its life-ruining influence; like most addicts, Rey-Rey refuses to admit that he has a problem, so the Biggest Little Man's forcing the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions to drag him, kicking & screaming, to his salvation. . . only the King of My World knows what's best for Mysterio, so he'll be the former Smackdown "Heavyweight" champion's sponsor, because he knows what Rey's going through, he too was once addicted to the cheers of the WWE Universe, the idolization & admiration of the sloths in the audience. . . but then he severed all ties to the parasites, leaving behind his overblown entrance, his catchphrases & witticisms, saving himself in order to become the best in the world @ what he does; this Sunday @ the Bash, Jericho's gonna unmask Mysterio, forcing him to confront his demons & come to terms with his addiction & in the long run, Rey-Rey & all of hypocritical fans will realize that Chris was right ~ they'll all thank him & admit that Jericho was Rey's true saviour; DID YOU KNOW. . . in addition to over 1,000,000 females, more males watched Smackdown last Friday than any show on ABC, Fox or CW! . . . ; betcha Grisham & Ross knew that, as they run down the card for the Bash this Sunday, then the cage gets lowered into place for the main event match; backstage, WWE Owner Vince McMahon & Smackdown General Manager greet Jeff Hardy on his way to the ring, with the latter wishing the Rainbow-Haired Warrior luck, but the former flatly stating that he doesn't want the Charismatic Enigma to win, what with his checkered past, he wouldn't make a good person to represent Smackdown; well, the Rainbow-Haired Enigma suggests that Vinnie-Mac pay attention to who the Smackdown Universe want as their champion; meanwhile, Heavyweight champion CM Punk Killswitch Engages to the ring as the special guest referee for the following MAIN EVENT, "RAGE IN The CAGE" TAG TEAM MATCH: Team Ego (Edge & Chris Jericho) versus the High-Flying Enigmas (Jeff Hardy & Rey Mysterio Junior); Edge beats Hardy with a 'Spear' Charging Shouldertackle {PSYCHOLOGY: after being distracted by the Straight-Edge Superstar}; after the match, Punk invites the WWE Universe to put their hands together for the man who just fought his heart out, the #1 Contender for the Heavyweight champion's title, the Rainbow-Haired Charismatic Enigmatic Warrior; after the match, in the General Manager's office, Theodore R. Long once more entertains WWE Owner Vince McMahon, who points out the result of that preceding match as more reason why Jeff won't be a fitting Heavyweight champion. . . but that does put Vinnie-Mac in mind of something else that'll be taking place @ the Bash, namely that he'll have to see something impressive from Teddy, if the former WWE manager-nee-referee-nee-WCW manager-nee-referee wants to keep his job