*PLEASE NOTE*
The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some tag team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.
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R ~ A ~ W
12/29/08 originating on USA Network {in the United States} & simulcast on the Score {in Canada}
commentating by WWE Hall-of-Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole
from the Verizon Wireless Arena in Manchester, New Hampshire; now in WWE~HD
Rey Mysterio Junior Booyakas to the ring, where he states that last week, he was a '619' Tiger Feint Kick away from moving on to the Race to the Rumble Fatal 4-Way match this week to determine the #1 Contender for the Heavyweight title, but somebody went & took that away from him, namely 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, who interfered in Rey's match with John Brad$haw Layfield; Mysterio respects Michaels very much & understands the HeartBreak Kid falling on hard times, but the fact's that they now have a problem, so the Biggest Little Man calls out the Showstopper so that they can settle it man-to-man; Michaels Sexy Boys to the ring, where Rey-Rey states that he knows by heart that, despite his affiliation with JBL, he's not going to ask for Shawn's spot in the Race to the Rumble match ~ as a matter of fact, what Mysterio really wants is to have HBK be honourable & face him 1-on-1 tonight, the winner of the match moving on to the Fatal 4-Way match; Shawn, for his part, accepts, but Layfield saunters out onto the ring entrance ramp stage & rescinds the challenge acceptance, the only match Michaels'll be competing in will be the Road to the Rumble match; after Brad$haw dismisses HBK from the ring, Rey-Rey begs him to stay & reconsider his choice, he shouldn't listen to JBL, all the money in the world won't make up for selling his soul; cue Mike Knox, who storms out of the audience & decimates Mysterio, until Heavyweight champion John Cena decides he's had all he can stands & he can;t stands no more, chasing Knox out of the ring
backstage, "Legend Killer" Randy Orton declares that the Legacy's gonna be bigger than the 4 Horsemen, D-Generation X & Evolution; he can't tolerate losers, so all 3 members have Singles matches tonight, if they win, they complete Phase 1, but if they lose. . . ; Intercontinental champion William Regal & Layla El saunter down to ringside to scout the following match; Cody Rhodes beats CM Punk via Countout {PSYCHOLOGY: while Regal distracts the Straight-Edge Superstar, allowing the champion a psychological victory over his challenger}; after the match, Punk decides to take a few liberties with the man who cost him his Heavyweight title a few months ago, but then Regal takes advantage once more, dropping his challenger in the ring
in the backstage area, ECW Owner Stephanie McMahon tells Heavyweight champion John Cena how serious she is, tonight there's a Race to the Rumble Fatal 4-Way to determine the #1 Contender for his title, so Nipple H wants the Doctor of Thuganomics @ ringside for Special Guest Commentary; yippee, how thrilling, not only for him, WWE Superstar John Cena, but for the entire WWE Universe & there was much rejoicing. . . did you know Dykstra spelled backwards is Artskyd; that's about as lame as Mike Adamle being the RAW General Manager, what they should do's run over a car with a monster truck, or shoot a man out of a cannon, or remake Smokey & the Bandit, something ~ it's the final RAW of 2008, for cryin' out loud; does Stepho-Mac really think the WWE Universe'd rather see his "riveting" Special Guest Commentary. . . silence, a few boos. . . or would they rather McMahon really put her mind to it & make a match featuring the Chain Gang Commander, Mike Knox, Rey Mysterio Junior or whoever else she wants to throw in there, making a match so unbelievable that it changes the face of life on this planet; after a resounding WWE Universe response, so Cena's just walkin' away. . . walkin' away
Women's champion "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix & Santino Marella join Cole & Lawler @ ringside for the following RAW 6-DIVAS BATTLE ROYAL MATCH: Candice Michelle Beckman versus Kelly Kelly versus Mickie James versus Katie Lea Burchill versus Jillian Hall versus Melina Perez; Katie Lea ousts Candice, Jillian horfs K², Mickie eliminates Burchill & Hall, then Perez ousts James {PSYCHOLOGY: so now it's Melina Perez facing the Glamazon @ the Royal Rumble}; after the match, Phoenix stomps into the ring, where she slaps her former best friend across the grill, then when the ladies fall fighting, Rosa Mendez decides she has to help her idol & jumps Melina, causing Security to escort her from the arena
backstage, ECWWE's Todd Grisham bothers Chris Jericho, who apparently isn't too fond of being named Jerk of the Year by WWE Magazine, just because he tells the truth about the WWE Universe, they're gonna make New Years Resolutions & then break them a mere few days later; he promised he'd win the Heavyweight championship & did just that. . . twice. . . he said 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels was a phony who was only in this business for himself & waddayaknow, the Showstopper went & joined up with John Brad$haw Layfield to get ahead; now he promises he's going to win the Road to the Rumble Fatal 4-Way & move on to the Royal Rumble, where he'll reclaim the Heavyweight title; if the WWE Universe wants to see the Jerk of the Year, all they have to do's look in a mirror; a video package plays, hyping the Royal Rumble, live on pay-per-view January 25th
DID YOU KNOW. . . http://www.WWE.com beats every broadcast network's website in monthly pageviews, including http://www.CBS.com, http://www.ABC.com, http://www.FOX.com & http://www.NBC.com! . . . ; betcha Sim Snuka knew that, as he defeats "Super Haas" Charlie Snuka with a 'Deuce's Wild' Jumping Side Kick {PSYCHOLOGY: yeah, like Charlie's gonna win any of these matches!}
RAW VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL 10-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH: RAW's More Heat Than Your Sunday Night (Heavyweight champion John Cena, the Mistery Kings {Rey Mysterio Junior & Kofi Kingston} & Cryme Tyme {Shad Gaspard & JTG}) versus Hot & Bothered (RAW's Dolph Ziggler, the Bludgeon Brothers {Kane & Mike Knox} & RAW Tag Team champions ECWWE's Altered Reality {John Morrison & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin}); Rey-Rey pins Kelly Kelly's Ex-Boyfriend with an 'El Colibri' Springboard Splash {PSYCHOLOGY: hella-dynamic!!}; after the match, 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels' seen watching the show on a television, when ECWWE's Todd Grisham walks in & gets reminded that this Showstopper's known as Mister WrestleMania & he's all about stealing the show
DID YOU KNOW. . . WWE's the #2 in Yahoo searches for 2008, beating out Barack Obama, American idol, Miley Cyrus, Lindsay Lohan & Angelina Jolie {now that would be 1 helluva battle royal!} . . . ; betcha Kelly Kelly knew that, as she tells "Legend Killer" Randy Orton that she protected him from the wrath of Kane a coupla weeks ago, she thought that their night together meant something. . . well, that was 1 night & it wasn't even all that memorable for Orton, he doesn't need a distraction like K² to dissuade him from his shot @ the Heavyweight title; ECWWE VERSUS RAW INTER-PROMOTIONAL MATCH: ECWWE Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy beats RAW's Manu with a ½-Speed 'Twist of Fate' Twisting Neckbreaker in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: ouchies!}
MAIN EVENT, "RACE To The RUMBLE" FATAL 4-WAY MATCH: "Legend Killer" Randy Orton versus 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels versus Chris Jericho versus John Brad$haw Layfield; the Showstopper pins Y2J & the Legend Killer with a 'Sweet Chin Music' Superkick, then JBL beats the Showstopper with a 'Clothesline From Hell' Standing Lariat {PSYCHOLOGY: after Shawn just stands there, refusing to lay down for his employer!}
12/30/08 originating on the Sci-Fi Network {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night
2008 Slammy-Award-Winning commentating by Matt Striker & Todd Grisham
from the Verizon Wireless Arena in Manchester, New Hampshire; now in WWE~HD
John Morrison & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin are in the ring, hosting another live edition of the Dirt Sheet, where they proclaim that they wanna end 2008 with a bang, they're gonna do something that nobody's ever done; they ask the WWE Universe to look to the person to their left, then to the person on their right, because the RAW Tag Team champions bought everybody in the arena brand news cars. . . not really, that'd be ridiculous, they brought something better, the Dirt Sheet; 2008's been a great year for Altered Reality, both Smackdown & RAW Tag Team champions, as well as double Slammy award winners, with WWE Magazine declaring their show the best in 2008; but no, they're not gonna rest on their laurels like some other WWE Superstars, they're gonna give back to the world that's loved & adored them so very much; the Miz's gonna donate a hat to the Smithsonian & promises to say "Bababooie" as many times as he can & the Shaman of Sexy vows to star in a kung fu movie, to get abs 11 & 12 to pop out, but then they both resolve to go onto the Royal Rumble & win it all; after a little spat about who's more awesomer, the RAW Tag Team champions move onto what they're best @, mocking other WWE Superstars like Evan Bourne, who apparently resolves to move out of his mom's basement. . . RAW Heavyweight champion John Cena should resolve to take acting lessons, so that his next movie doesn't suck as much as "The Marine". . . RAW's Dave "The Animal" Batista should start wearing a helmet to the ring, so that he doesn't keep getting concussions all the time. . . Smackdown's HHH resolves to buy a family-sized nasal douche. . . Fit Finlay will stop wearing tighty-whities, so that he next son won't be a deformed leprechaun {luckily, though, leprechauns don't live as long as real people, they're like dogs}; well dem's fightin' words, as the Tough Irish Bastard & Hornswaggle stomp to the ring, where Finlay translates Horny's guttural grunts, with his fists, but when Altered Reality start making their larger size a district advantage, they turn their attention to the Leprechaun, who scurries under the ring & sends out his much-larger friend the Boogeyman, who chases the RAW Tag Team champions away
DID YOU KNOW. . . http://www.WWE.com beats every broadcast network's website in monthly pageviews, including than http://www.CBS.com, http://www.ABC.com, http://www.FOX.com & http://www.NBC.com! . . . ; betcha these guys knew that, as Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy defeats "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry via Disqualification After "All-American American" Jack Swagger Interferes in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: opening bout?!}; after the match, Henry takes out his aggression on the champion, who's already dazed from Swagger's 'Orthodontist's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb; a video package plays, hyping the Royal Rumble, live on pay-per-view January 25th
a video pizzackage plays, hyping the pending annizzoying debut of Kizarny, this wizzeek
DJ Gabriel pins Paul Burchill with a Floatover Pinfall {PSYCHOLOGY: quite a scrapping match, though, from these 2 limeys!}
a video package plays, showing Ken Kennedy talking about his part in "Behind Enemy Lines ~ Colombia" & how authentic the movie actually was, not to mention how huge the Green Bay Gregariate's gun was. . .
MAIN EVENT, NO DISQUALIFICATION TAG TEAM MATCH: the Loch Wright Monsters (the Boogeyman & Fit Finlay) versus RAW Tag Team champions Altered Reality (John Morrison & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin); Morrison beats Finlay with a Roll-up in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: slugnificent!}; after the match, Boogey & Finlay take a bit of a chunk out of the Shaman of Sexy, then the Formerly-Tough Irish Bastard hauls some kids out of the audience to have a bit of a scuff in the ring
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S ~ M ~ A ~ C ~ K ~ D ~ O ~ W ~ N
01/02/09 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}
commentating by Tazz & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross
from the IZOD Center in East Rutherford, New Jersey; now in WWE~HD
General Manager Vickie Guerrero saunters out to the ring, where she wishes the WWE Universe a Happy New Year, 2008 was really great, but 2009 will be really fine; the Road to WrestleMania kicks off with the Royal Rumble, which'll have Smackdown represented by her husband Edge taking on Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy; plus, everybody's looking forward to the 30-Man Rumble match, with the Smackdown Superstars who'll be competing in that match being announced later tonight; HHH Motorheads to the ring, where he likewise wishes Mamacita Heat a Happy New Year, stating that he knows it's Vickie's favourite time of the year, he can't wait to hear his name listed on the top of the list of the Smackdown Superstars entered into the Royal Rumble match; when Guerrero declares that he's gonna have to wait like everybody else, the Game points out that, like the WWE Universe, he has a bit of an impatient streak & he can't wait that long, as neither can the fans, apparently, as the Cerebral Assassin points out that they're as likely to follow Vickie all around, from the airport, to the hotel, to the arena, to Baskin Robbins, to the Blimpys, to the hot dog stand outside the arena & they just wouldn't let her forget the name of the King of Kings; all Mamacita Heat knows is if HHH keeps this up, he's not gonna even be entered into the match, but the Game retorts with the idea that if he's not in the match, then chances are a Smackdown Superstar won't win the Rumble, which in turn'll make her look like a weak General Manager, which in turn'll likely get her fired & then nobody'd really wanna buy the official Vickie Guerrero action figure ~ look @ the authentic vacant I'm-in-over-my-head look in her eyes, the designer clothes bought @ the Big Girls Shop, those child-bearing hips. . . alright, alright, the Cerebral Assassin's in the Rumble, which makes him happy, but she demands that the King of Kings has to leave the ring right now. . . well, there's 1 more little thing, earlier today he was playing with her doll. . . & 1 thing led to another & the doll's clothes came off & well, it's easier for him to show her, so he takes the clothes off the doll again, showing a practically-scarecrow-like physique, which further prompted HHH to go onto the internet to. . . research information. . . & that's when he found the nude photos on eBay; if she hurries, she can still try to win the auction, the Game himself keeps trying to get 'em but he gets outbid by some guy named ChavoG2009. . . Mamacita Heat scurries backstage, while the Cerebral Assassin continues mocking her
a video package plays, promoting the pending return of Umaga
SMACKDOWN VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL TAG TEAM MATCH: Corned Beef & Curry (ECWWE's Fit Finlay & Smackdown's Great Khali) versus the EdgeHeads (Kurt Hawkins & Zack Ryder); Khali defeats Ryder with a 'Punjabi Plunge' Standing Chokebomb {PSYCHOLOGY: splat!}; after the match, the Tough Irish Bastard tosses Hornswaggle onto Zack, then drops him with a 'Celtic Cross' Standing Reverse Piledriver, while Horny nails Hawkins with a 'Tadpole' Top-Rope Mini-Splash
backstage, Eve Torres bothers Michelle McCool, who states that she was friends with Maria Kanellis, as well she thought she was with Eve herself, but what about Michelle's life, nobody seems to care that it's been turned upside-down now that she's lost her title; Maria got exactly what she deserved last week, for screwing McCool out of the championship; well, Torres thinks that if she'd just go talk to Kanellis, Michelle'd feel better about the loss & maybe even make up with her former friend. . . well, there Eve goes, thinking again, maybe she should just stick with what she knows, holding a microphone
in the General Manager's office, Edge tells Vickie Guerrero that what's happened's extremely embarrassing, pictures of his wife are on eBay; the Big Show saw those pictures & they weren't as bad as he'd thought they'd be; hey, that's the Rated-R Superstar's wife TBS' talking about, it must be so embarrassing to have to hide behind her & let her fight all his battles for him; no, y'know what's embarrassing, getting knocked out by a flyweight boxer @ WrestleMania 24, if he wants to do something, then maybe the Big Show can go knock out Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy in his Tag Team match later tonight, then maybe he'll go on to face the Conniving Canuck @ the WrestleMania 25
DID YOU KNOW. . . WWE's watched by more than 15,000,000 people every week in the United States! . . . ; betcha even Festus knew that, as he takes part in the following TAG TEAM MATCH: Bad To His Bone (the Brian Kendrick & Ezekiel Jackson) versus the Dalton Brothers (Festus & Jesse Dalton); Big Zeke pins Jesse with a 'Big & Bad' Urinagi Bomb {PSYCHOLOGY: is it just me, or is Jackson 1 fingerless leather glove away from being the new Bad News Allen?}
a video package plays, hyping the Royal Rumble, live on pay-per-view January 25th
Vladimir Koslov beats Gregory Helms with a 'Cold War' 1-Handed Chokebomb {PSYCHOLOGY: perestroika, indeed!}
Jim Ross' in the ring, where he announces the Smackdown Superstars who'll compete in the 30-Man Royal Rumble match, the winner of which will move on to face a Heavyweight champion @ WrestleMania 25. . . HHH, the Big Show, Vladimir Kozlov & United States champion "Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin, who chooses that moment to saunter on down to the ring & interjects himself, asking what's wrong with JR, he's not just a participant, he's the odds-on favourite to win the 30-man over-the-top-rope Battle Royal match, so unless Ross wants to be the 1st man tossed over that top rope, he's to take his leave; Benjamin wants the WWE Universe to take a good look @ his title, he's been the United States champion for 6 months & still going strong, in 2009 he plans on realizing his ultimate goal, main-eventing & leaving WrestleMania 25 as the Heavyweight champion; there's a reason he's called the Gold Standard, because he's for real & everybody else's talents are measured against his, there's nobody in the entire WWE better than him, he doesn't care if it's RAW's "Legend Killer" Randy Orton or Chris Jericho, ECWWE's Fit Finlay, or Smackdown's own "R-Truth" Ron Killings ~ when it comes to comparisons, there's absolutely nobody in his league. . . except maybe the UnderTaker, who magically appears in the ring & delivers a 'Goozle' Chokeslam to the smarmy upstart
Michelle McCool struts to the ring, where she acknowledges that she owes Maria Kanellis an apology for what she did last week, the Future Ex-Missus Clemens can't be here tonight because of what the Future Ex-Missus Calloway did to her last week, so unfortunately Michelle can't apologize to Maria personally, but she can apologize to Eve Torres' face for her earlier rudeness in their interview, which the new Diva readily accepts, allowing McCool the opportunity to more easily assault her @ ringside, high-heeled shoes flying every which-way, until several WWE officials get between the 2 & send Michelle backstage while they tend to Eve
in the General Manager's office, Vickie Guerrero tells Chavo Guerrero Junior that she can't believe those pictures of her are out there on the internet, he didn't see them, did he. . . no, of course not, that'd be. . . creepy or something. . . he didn't even know until HHH brought it up; speak of the devil, the Game walks in & if Chavito Heat's chest didn't hurt, why he'd. . . well anyway, Mamacita Heat demands that the Cerebral Assassin apologize for his actions & if he doesn't, then she's gonna make him wrestle 3 times next week ~ in a Tables match, a Handicap match & A Last Man Standing match, which she chooses to call Triple Jeopardy
Montell Vontavius Porter's standing in the ring, blingless, asking that whoever he's wrestling tonight, let's just bring them out & get this over with. . . ; Kizarny beats MVP with a 'Tallula Belle' Grapevining Double Arm DDT {PSYCHOLOGY: & there was much rejoicing. . .}; after the match, RAW's Ken Kennedy stomps out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, where he proclaims that Porter just got whizzuped, but he should just smile, relax & check out the Green Bay Gregariate's new DVD "Behind Enemy Lines ~ Colombia" this Tuesday, which's brought to you by Misterrrrrrrrrrr Kennedy. . . Ken-Ned-Day!
Edge storms the ring for his upcoming match, where he declares that, naked pictures or not, the WWE Universe has to respect General Manager Vickie Guerrero & by association him, not everything's his fault, he never took advantage of Mamacita Heat a year ago ,they're still married & he's still the love of her life. . . he likewise never took out Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy before the main event @ the Survivor Series, but the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior's a screw-up; but when this irrational period of Hardy as champion's all over, he's more than happy to accept the blame for winning his title once again; MAIN EVENT, SMACKDOWN VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL TAG TEAM MATCH: Team 2xtreme (ECWWE Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy & Smackdown Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy) versus Smackdown's Razors & Hammers (Edge & the Big Show); the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior defeats the Conniving Canuck with a 'Swanton' Arching Centon Bomb {PSYCHOLOGY: not since Edge held the Smackdown Heavyweight title @ the same time that "Instant Classic" Christian Cage held the NWA Heavyweight title @ the same time, have 2 brothers held 2 different versions of the "big belts" @ the same time. . . even though the Rated-R Superstar & the Peeps' Champion were only brothers in the storyline! . . .}