*PLEASE NOTE*
The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some tag team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.
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R ~ A ~ W
12/15/08 originating on USA Network {in the United States} & simulcast on the Score {in Canada}
RAW commentating by WWE Hall-of-Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole, Smackdown commentating by WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross & Tazz
from the Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; now in WWE~HD
RAW DIVAS TAG TEAM MATCH: Phoenix-Hall (Women's champion "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall) versus New Hotness (Kelly Kelly & Melina Perez); K² pins Hall with a Roll-Up {PSYCHOLOGY: wakka wakka!}; after the match, Beth & Jillian womanhandle Kelly, until Kane pyros to the ring & menaces the blond himself, until he has her backed into the corner &. . . extends a hand of assistance; the former Extreme Exposé dancer, seeing an opening, scampers off backstage, with the Bald Red Machine hard on her heels; backstage, Kelly's still running, encountering Jamie Knoble, but after the BalderTaker dismisses the former Jung Dragon physically, he once again corners the former ECWWE Tuesday Nitro Girl & tells her that they need to talk
Cody Rhodes & Manu are @ ringside for the following match, but 1st Deuce Shane tells us that he wants to be introduced by his real name, as he's the son of the WWE Hall of Famer "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka, so he wants to be referred to by his real name, Sim; Rey Mysterio Junior beats Sim Snuka via Disqualification After Rhodes & Manu Interfere {PSYCHOLOGY: looks like they're on a recruiting drive! . . .}; after the match, while Rey-Rey's in full "Strategeic Retreat" mode, Mike Knox bashes Mysterio down to the arena floor, rendering him unconscious with his 'Physicality' Twisting Space Tornado Ogawa
a video package plays, showing RAW's 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels & Smackdown's HHH classically shilling the new D-Generation X Hooded Sweatshirt ~ such great holiday present ideas, all available @ http://www.WWEShop.com ~ & if that's not enough, then you can buy the Game's King of Kings Plush Bear, with the Showstopper postulating that it must be from the Cerebral Assassin's Conan the Barbearian collection! . . . well, maybe the WWE Universe can get themselves the HBK Village People bear, with authentic hair & a button on the back that makes it all fall out. . . hey, no making fun of the hair! . . .
backstage, Kane asks Kelly Kelly if, when last week she told him "Love's a wonderful thing", she was trying to tell him something. . . or was she just leading him on; a lot of people have hurt him & taken advantage of him, if she's 1 of them, then she can get up & walk out right now; when she gets up to leave, the Bald Red Machine slams the door & smiles his evil smile, saying that he knew she felt something. . .
in the backstage area, ECWWE's Todd Grisham bothers "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, who informs us that earlier tonight, he challenged Dave "The Animal" Batista to a rematch from last night's Armageddon, but has yet to receive a response from the coward; well, dem's fightin' words, as the Animal slaps the taste out of the Legend Killer's mouth, effectively accepting the challenge; Orton lures Batista out onto the ring entrance ramp, where Cody Rhodes & Manu are waiting; out storms Heavyweight champion John Cena, who bashes the mid-carders off of his fellow main-eventer; backstage, the Chain Gang Commander & the former Leviathan chat amicably about their recent violent outbursts, but before Cena can hand over the Chris Jericho clubbern' reigns to Batista, ECWWE's Todd Grisham steps in again, saying that ECW Owner Stephanie McMahon wants them to know that later tonight, there's a 3-on-2 Handicap match, featuring all 5 of the men involved in that recent little brawl thingy; speaking of whom, in lieu of the following match, Y2J saunters to the ring in full championship suit & tie, proclaiming that he's refusing to wrestle tonight, he's the 2008 Superstar of the Year & he's been carrying this show on his back consistently for the past 12 months, so it's a slap in the face that he's supposed to face a degenerate like Hacksaw Jim Duggan ~ if Lebron James misses the game-winning shot in 1 game, is he put down onto the far end of the bench for the next 1. . . no & neither should the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah; he's the best in the business today & he refused to wrestle a bottom-of-the-barrel talent like Duggan; this is an insult & a travesty, he refuses to step into this ring again unless it's a championship match or @ least worthy of somebody who's of such Slammy-winning cromulence as the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions
elsewhere backsage, Kane's still trying to butter up Kelly Kelly as best he knows how, not believing her when she says she doesn't want to get to know him better. . . unless there's somebody else; say, here's a totally-innocent suggestion, why doesn't K² tell the BalderTaker who it is, so he can go. . . give him a present? . . . ; after Kelly squeals like a pretty blond who used to like getting naked, the Bald Red Machine's off to. . . arrange a party. . . ; RAW Intercontinental champion William Regal & his strumpet Layla El saunter out onto the ring entrance ramp stage to watch the following RAW VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL, RAW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: RAW's New Generation (CM Punk & Kofi Kingston) versus champions ECWWE's Altered Reality (John Morrison & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin); Morrison defeats Kingston with a 'Moonlight Driver' Cartwheeling Neckbreaker {PSYCHOLOGY: after the Miz & Morrison won the titles the night before Armageddon in Hamilton, Ontario ~ nice!}; after the match, Kane once more makes his presence known, stalking his way to the ring, where he decimates the Miz with a 'Goozle' 1-Handed Chokeslam & a 'Tombstone' Elevated Pilderiver, illuding to the fact that apparently Mizanin's was the name that Kelly Kelly gave to the BalderTaker
DID YOU KNOW. . . over the past 5 years, WWE Superstars have visited more than 200 Military installations, including forward operating bases, aircraft carriers, submarines & Military hospitals! . . . ; betcha the Pittsburgh Steelers knew that, as they celebrate their markitude @ ringside, while John Brad$haw Layfield saunters out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, cuing up a video package running down the announcement made last night by his new employee, 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels
backstage, Candice Michelle Beckman & Mickie James try to console Kelly Kelly after her experience with Kane, but when she hears that the Bald Red Machine went & laid into ECWWE's Mike "The Miz" Mizanin, she scampers off
before the following match, Dolph Ziggler introduces himself, then Charlie Haas, dressed as "Santa Claas", comes to the ring, handing out presents to the WWE Universe; Ziggler defeats Claas with an 'NTN' Jumping Russian Legsweep {PSYCHOLOGY: when Lilian Garcia announced he was from the South Pole, I thought they'd brought back Balls Mahoney for the season & dressed him up as Xanta Klaus again!}; after the match, Dolph rips the wig, hat & jacket off of Haas, leaving him laying & possibly humiliated {thought considering he was dressed as Santa, there's no guarantee of that @ all, I suppose!}
a video package plays, showing Ken Kennedy talking about his part in "Behind Enemy Lines ~ Colombia", Navy SEAL Master Chief Carter Holts, who has fun @ his job & has all the funny lines in the heat of battle, true to the Green Bay Gregariate's own character
backstage, Hacksaw Jim Duggan looks a little down, but Cryme Tyme step up & tell him it's time. . . ; in the ECW Owner's office, Stephanie McMahon questions what the hell he was thinking, pulling that stunt for his match with the WWE Legend, but Y2J says that he can't believe that Nipple H actually expected him to lower himself to sully his hands on that slack-jawed yokel Hacksaw Jim Duggan, doesn't she realize that he's the Superstar of the Year. . . well, doesn't he realize that she's his boss & he has to do what she says ~ when Stepho-Mac tells the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah to dance, she expects a fine 2-step from him; Jericho suspects that McMahon doens't understand that Dave "The Animal" Batista's rematch clause's expired, so he has no right to be considered the #1 Contender; oh, well, gee whiz, Stephane must be a horrible boss, then, because she never even knew any of that. . . get real, she knows everything about her Superstars & not only that, all previous Heavyweight champions will be competing in different matches next week, the winners of those matches will go on to a Fatal 4-Way match next week & the winner of that match will face John Cena for the Heavyweight title the week after, so in reality Stephanie was giving Chris a warm-up match by putting him against Duggan tonight; well the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions doesn't need a warm-up match, he's ready for those matches; well, the next time that he questions the decision of the ECW Owner, Nipple H suggests that Y2J come to her, instead of making a public spectacle on national televison; in the backstage area, Cody Rhodes tells his burly man-friend Manu that their intricte plan for tonight didn't include the Doctor of Thuganomics, so "Legend Killer" Randy Orton decides that, since last night's performance @ Armageddon was so horrendously unsuccessful & since tonight's outing for revenge against Dave "The Animal" Batista wasn't much better, that if they're not gonna be 100% successful in their endeavours, then this Legacy that they're making for themse;ves won't be worth the paper that the WWE Writing Staff 1st composed it on, so they should head to the ring for their MAIN EVENT, 2-ON-3 HANDICAP TAG TEAM MATCH: the Originals with Wreckless Intent (Heavyweight champion John Cena & Dave "The Animal" Batista) versus Born to Greatnesss ("Legend Killer" Randy Orton & Somewhat Svelter Than Their Fathers {Cody Rhodes & Manu}); Batista beats Orton via Disqualification After the Legend Killer Touches the Official Roughly {PSYCHOLOGY: I'm gonna resist calling them "Legacy" until WWE puts a caption up on the screen announcing the stable's name, or releases a t-shirt or something!}; after the match, on the heels of Randy punting Dave in the melon, he comes face-to-face with the Heavyweight champion, standing ready to defend his ally, causing Rhodes, Manu & Orton to congratulate each other & head backstage, triumphant, as EMTs & backstage officials tend to the fallen Animal
12/16/08 originating on the Sci-Fi Network {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night
commentating by Matt Striker & Todd Grisham
from the 1st Mariner Arena in Baltimore, Maryland; now in WWE~HD
Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy Monster Magnets to the ring, where he declares the past 2 days have been the best in his life, because his brother, new Smackdown Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy, has overcome many obstacles in his life to get to this place, both professionally & personally; when they came to WWE 10 years ago, they just wanted to make a name for themselves, which seems to have worked out for the best, if Matt does say so for himself; even when they decided to pursue singles careers, it was certain that they'd come back together & this past Sunday, that's exactly what happened, they came back together. . . as champions; this Friday on Smackdown there's gonna be a huge celebration & knowing his brother like he does, the Heavyweight champion knows that- hey, that's Chavo Guerrero Junior, sauntering down to the ring & asks if Matt's happy, because things are about to change, since the General Manager of Smackdown, who just happens to be his aunt Vickie, send Chavito out here to take him out, just because of his last name; Jeff Hardy took the Smackdown Heavyweight title right out from under then-champion Edge's nose ~ he's a Guerrero & he knows when things are stolen ~ so in retaliation, Mamacita Heat wants Chavo to take out Matt & put the title around his waist; Vickie talked to ECWWE General Manager Theodore R. Long already & the match's set for later tonight; sell, speaking of the MacMilitant, Long strolls out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, dressed in his festive best {& no, not a vaguely-Christmasy suit, either!}, where he confirms that he did talk to the Smackdown General Manager & Hardy himself, where they agreed to have that match, but not later tonight, rather it's to take place. . . right now, but 1st, Teddy asks Chavito Heat to wish his aunt the best this holiday season, but she should take care to avoid those Christmas cookies, as he heard she's on a diet. . . & if she has a problem with resisting temptation, she should just look in the mirror, because whenever he looked @ her in the past, he always lost his appetite; ECWWE HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: champion Matt Hardy defeats Chavo Guerrero Junior with a 'Twist of Fate' Twisting Neckbreaker {PSYCHOLOGY: maybe he can slap a tornado! . . .}
before the following match, Hornswaggle Finlay steals the Slammy for Best Announce Team, as won by Grisham & Striker; Fit Finlay pins Cavin Spears with a 'Celtic Cross' Cradling Reverse Piledriver {PSYCHOLOGY: augh, laddie, sur y'knew dat da Tough Oirish Bastarrrrd was gonna come augt on top, me boyo?}; after the match, Finlay & Horny laugh @ the broadcast team, taunting them to come into the ring & reclaim their Slammy, while Striker offers to trade Hornswaggle's hat for the trophy
a video package plays, showing RAW's 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels & Smackdown's HHH classically shilling the new D-Generation X Hooded Sweatshirt ~ such great holiday present ideas, all available @ http://www.WWEShop.com ~ & if that's not enough, then you can buy the Game's King of Kings Plush Bear, with the Showstopper postulating that it must be from the Cerebral Assassin's Conan the Barbearian collection! . . . well, maybe the WWE Universe can get themselves the HBK Village People bear, with authentic hair & a button on the back that makes it all fall out. . . hey, no making fun of the hair! . . .
backstage, DJ Gabriel & Alicia Fox are having a good time, cutting a rug in front of a Christmas tree, when Santa Claus- err, "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry & his, umm, "reindeer" WWE Hall of Famer "Mister USA" Tony Atlas step in & shoo them away, then Henry starts reciting a Yuletide poem. . . Twas the night before Christmas & all through the Ring / not a creature was stirring, not even a bing {?!?!?} / the stockings were hung by ringside with care / in hopes that a leprechaun soon would be there / the children all nestled, all snug in their seats; then anticipation grows, the crowd's up on their feet / when from under the ring, Hornswaggle arose; with soot on his hands & his face & his nose / his Shillelagh in hand & was spinning around / the World's Strongest Santa came in with a bound / his reindeer Tony followed close with his sack / Hornswaggle was scared & took a step back / the World's Strongest Santa reached out his hand / grabbed Hornswaggle & gave him the World's Strongest Slam / out in the arena, arose such a clatter / the World's Strongest Man stood tall, the leprechaun splattered / the crowd cheered & chanted & jumped with delight / Merry Christmas to all & to all a good fight!
in the General Manager's office, Assistant Tiffany thanks RAW's CM Punk & Kofi Kingston for coming to ECWWE to take part in their 6-Man Tag Team main event match, but they're both happy to be back in their own stomping grounds; awww, Ricky didn't have to get Punk a Christmas present. . . well, he does have presents for both of the RAW competitors, but this is for Miss Tiffany, a Rally Towel; hey, that's classy, betcha he gets the Slammy award next year for sue, this is an embarrassing present to give a beautiful woman ~ but wait, let's spin this the right way, it's a helluva lot more practical than a car. . . err, well, it's more valuable than an XFL jersey, anyway
a video package plays, hyping the pending DVD release of "Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia", starring RAW's Ken Kennedy, premiering January 6th, 2009
MAIN EVENT, RAW VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL 6-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH: Gots Mad Hops (ECWWE's Ricky Ortiz & RAW's New Generation {CM Punk & Kofi Kingston}) versus ECWWE's Can We Get Any Better? ("All-American American" Jack Swagger & RAW Tag Team champions Altered Reality {John Morrison & Mike "The Miz" Mizanin}); Swagger beats Ortiz with an 'Orthodontist's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: smiles, everybody!}
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S ~ M ~ A ~ C ~ K ~ D ~ O ~ W ~ N
12/19/08 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}
commentating by Tazz & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross
from the 1st Mariner Arena in Baltimore, Maryland; now in WWE~HD
the 1st face-painted Heavyweight champion in WWE since the Ultimate Warrior, Jeff Hardy, Endeavourafters to the ring & basks in the glory of the chanting WWE Universe, the overly-excessive pyro & the confetti {the last time I saw confettin for a Heavyweight champion, it was @ WrestleMania 20, when the late Chris Benoit won the RAW Heavyweight belt in a Triple Threat match against then-champion HHH & 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels. . . & we all know how well-off he ended up. . . !}, then proclaims that he's heard the WWE Universe screaming for about a decade & he apologizes for it taking so long, but it's finally happened, he's the Heavyweight champion; the WWE's about to change, this title doesn't just represent all the world's rejects & screw-ups, he's the Heavyweight champion representing a good kinda crazy, so he wants all the WWE Universe inhabitants to get up on their feet & scream; Edge smarms out onto the ring entrance ramp stage, stating that this is all so heart-warming, but nothing's changed ~ the Rainbow-Haired Charismatic Enigmatic Warrior got lucky @ Armageddon; 1 good day out of 365 doesn't make a champion, it takes a lifetime of dedication, representing this company isn't about fate or destiny, it's about sacrifice ~ fate's what spoiled kids use when things don't go their way & destiny's a cop-out. . . but then again, Jeff knows all about that; the Rated-R Superstar was the Heavyweight champion for 1 reason & 1 reason only, hard work; well, the champ's got 1 word for the Conniving Canuck, liar, which Edge calls cute, he had nothing to do with what happened to Hardy before the Survivor Series, he didn't need to do any such thing to beat him for the belt; for the past decade, with everything that the pair have gone through, the Rated-R Superstar's always outperformed him; Jeff wanted everybody's attention, well he's got it, since General Manager Vickie Guerrero has decided to give the WWE Universe an early Christmas present, namely Jeff's brother, ECWWE Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy taking on Yours Truly, as well as Jeff himself taking on the undefeated Vladimir Kozlov; no matter what, the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior'll always be a screw-up; well, dem's 'Twist of Fate' Twisting Neckbreakerin' words, as the Heavyweight champ drops his antagonist
TAG TEAM MATCH: the Golden Excellence (United States champion "Gold Standard" Shelton Benjamin & Montell Vontavius Porter) versus It's Time For the Truth (Hurricane Helms & "R-Truth" Ron Killings); Helms defeats Benjamin with a 'VerteBreaker' Back-To-Back Double-Underhook Piledriver {PSYCHOLOGY: so not only does it further the losing streak of MVP, but it also sets up a potential title change, when the Hurricane takes on the Gold Standard next week in the main event of Smackdown}
in the General Manager's office, Vickie Guerrero tells her nephew, ECWWE's Chavo Guerrero Junior, that her coffee's not even hot, she demands hot coffee so he'd better go get her some really hot coffee, coffee coffee coffee; meanwhile, Edge's steaming about Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy having screwed him out of his title this past Sunday, but tonight he oughta concentrate on destroying his older brother, ECWWE Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy
ECWWE VERSUS SMACKDOWN INTER-PROMOTIONAL MATCH: RAW Tag Team co-champion, ECWWE's John Morrison pins Smackdown's Festus Dalton with a 'Moonlight Driver' Cartwheeling Neckbreaker {PSYCHOLOGY: but I still think Festus' strong like Hulk!}; after the match, the Miz poses over the prone Corn-Fed Colossus, insisting that the Shaman of Sexy pull his finger, so that he let loose a pent-up fart that he somehow had contained throughout the match
a video package plays, showing RAW's 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels & Smackdown's HHH classically shilling the new D-Generation X Basketball Jersey, Hooded Sweatshirt, the new Smackdown Versus RAW 2009 {which features D-X on the cover} & of course, the new Elimination Chamber playset {ouch, sorry Shawn. . . !} ~ such great holiday present ideas, all available @ http://www.WWEShop.com ~ but when all the craziness & gift-giving's done, you have to spend time with your family {especially your in-laws. . . & nobody wants that! . . .} so just find a nice quiet room, sit down in front of a TV & watch the new 3-disc "History of the Intercontinental Championship", where you can see the highlights of HBK's 3 title reigns. . . & while they're @ it, then can enjoy the Game's 5 title reigns. . . yeah, whatever, so anyway, they could also enjoy "Summerslam: the Complete Anthology", 1998-2002, then can enjoy it all. . . or 1988-2007, brainiac; well, y'know what the Showstopper remembers most of Summerslam, in 2002, after years of doing nothing but experiencing crippling back surgery, he beat the Cerebral Assassin. . . well, y'know what the King of Kings remembers, the HeartBreak Kid still had hair then; well, dem's fightin' words, as Shawn & HHH start play-brawling while they continue hyping http://www.WWEShop.com
backstage, Eve Torres bothers ECWWE Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy, who's heard all of the detractors of his brother, Smackdown Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy, all his life ~ he's too much of a risk, he's been through too much, like being attacked by Edge the day before Survivor Series, but now they all have to just shut up & give him his mad props; speaking of the Rated-R Superstar, he claims that the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior was lucky when he won the Heavyweight title, but the former Mattitude Practitioner thinks instead that the Conniving Canuck just doesn't handle embarrassment very well, so let's ask Edge what it's like to lose something that you love & see it in the possession of a Hardy; SMACKDOWN VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL MATCH: Smackdown's Edge beats ECWWE Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy with a 'Spear' Charging Shouldertackle in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: well, I suppose it'd be considered a 2nd-tier title @ best}
Ezekiel Jackson defeats Tag Team co-champion Carlito Caribbean Cool with a 'Big & Bad' Urinagi Bomb {PSYCHOLOGY: was it just me, or was Primo's vest adorned with what looked like an Alliance WCW logo?}
Divas champion Michelle McCool plants herself @ ringside to watch the following #1 CONTENDERHSIP, SMACKDOWN DIVAS TITLE MATCH: Maryse Ouellet pins Maria Kanellis with a 'French Kiss' DDT With Theatrics {PSYCHOLOGY: oh la la!}; after the match, Ouellet gets all up in McCool's grill, taunting her about eventually taking her title away
backstage, Ken Kennedy tries to console Montell Vontavius Porter, who finds it hard to believe that if he keeps his chin up, things will look up for him @ around January. . . naw, naw, MVP don't play dat, he ain't helping the Green Bay Gregariate plug his new movie "Behind Enemy Lines ~ Colombia" on January 6th, where supposedly if Porter watches this movie, he'll come out of his funk & actually start winning matches; actually no, but thanks for the plug. . . y'see, that's the kinda buy that Vontavius is, even when he's flat broke, he still takes a minute to help a friend out; oh & by the way, Merry Christmas from Misterrrrrrrrrrr Kennedy. . . Ken-Ned-Day!
WWE Home Video presents "Edge ~ a Decade of Decadence", a 3-disc DVD set with over 8 hours of the Rated-R Superstar's greatest matches, available this Tuesday @ all major DVD retailers & http://www.WWEShop.com
backstage, Eve Torres bothers the Great Khali, who states that the kiss that WWE Hall of Famer Mae Young planted on him @ Armageddon sent tingles up & down his spine, his extra-large heart's smitten by the passionate pursing of Mae's lips; he's found his true soul mate, but even though he hates picking favourites, he thinks that Young has the most succulent lips in all of WWE. . . but Eve's a close 2nd, don't worry
MAIN EVENT MATCH: Heavyweight champion Jeff Hardy beats Vladimir Kozlov via Disqualification After Edge Interferes in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: huh? . . . why not defend the title?!}; after the match, while the Rated-R Superstar & the Moscow Mauler double-team the Charismatic Rainbow-Haired Enigmatic Warrior, HHH storms the ring, where he mauls Kozlov @ ringside, then the Game extracts Ol' Sledgie, sending Vladimir scampering backstage & leaving the Conniving Canuck open for a 'Swanton' Arching Centon Bomb