*PLEASE NOTE*
The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some tag team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.
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R ~ A ~ W
12/01/08 originating on USA Network {in the United States} & simulcast on the Score {in Canada}
commentating by WWE Hall-of-Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler & Michael Cole
from the Verizon Center in Washington, DC; now in WWE~HD
backstage, Chris Jericho's surrounded by his own personal security team, stating that he doesn't want to be touched by the fans of Heavyweight champion John Cena; he doesn't respect any of the Chain Gang Commander's fans, since they're nothing like him ~ he's accomplished every goal that he's set out to do, he takes pride in his personal appearance & he has morals & ideals that none of these hypocrites may pretend to have; he never represented the WWE Universe when he was champion & he's certainly not gonna represent them after beating the tar out of the Doctor of Thuganomics @ Armageddon; the fans can boo him all they want {done!} & they can cheer for John Cena all they want {also done!} because it'll make absolutely no difference to the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah, since they're all worthless to him. . . but there's 1 Cena fan who's worth saving & that's Jericho's son; 3 years ago, Cena defeated Y2J in a match that cost him his WWE career & his son was 2 years old, not yet old enough to know who his father really was, but his now-legendary status is now no longer in doubt to his now-5-year-old son; to his shock & horror, Jericho's son became a Chain Gang Soldier, which tore the heart out of the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions, so he refused his son permission to watch RAW, making sure that he never watched WWE again, so his son was never allowed to see when Cena made his big return @ the Survivor Series & rob the King of My World of his Heavyweight title, attacking him from behind, disgracefully & mercilessly; but he's gonna lift that ban starting @ Armageddon, because Jericho wants his son to see the crestfallen expressions of all the Chain Gang Soldiers when Jericho defeats their hero & takes his Heavyweight title, he wants his son to see his former hero defeated & his new hero triumphant & rechampionshipated
before the following InterContintental 1st Round Qualifying match, Rey Mysterio Junior meets Mike Knox on his way to the ring & the resulting tussle causes Rey-Rey to fall off of the ring entrance ramp & land on his arm; backstage, ECWWE's Todd Grisham bothers ECW Owner Stephanie McMahon, confirming that Mysterio's torn some ligaments in his elbow; in steps Layla El, representing the I-C champion himself, proclaiming that, since Rey's unable to compete in the match, he should be out of the tournament, which's a sentiment that she couldn't agree with more
a video package plays, advertizing SMACKDOWN VERSUS RAW 2009, for all videogame platforms & in stores now
"Legend Killer" Randy Orton's seen backstage, watching the following TAG TEAM MATCH: Tag Team champions the New Generation (CM Punk & Kofi Kingston) versus Somewhat Svelter Than Their Fathers (Cody Rhodes & Manu); Kingston pins Rhodes with a 'Trouble in Paradise' Xuanfengjiao Tornado Kick in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: boom-boom-boom!}
a video package plays, showing RAW's 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels & Smackdown's HHH classically shilling the new Elimination Chamber ~ such great holiday present ideas, all available @ http://www.WWEShop.com ~ with the Showstopper going on & on about how it has 40 pieces & he'll be stuck putting it together on Christmas morning, because his kids'll forget all about the other 14 gifts they got & never mind that he was up until 4am wrapping the other presents & making things special & he just knows that they're gonna have more fun playing with the box! . . .
backstage, Cody Rhodes & his burly man-friend Manu storm in on "Legend Killer" Randy Orton, declaring that then never saw him win anything last week, so. . . ; look, Randy doesn't wanna go back & forth with who's more awesome than who, but the fact is that they were all on the same team @ the Survivor Series & they won, which showed Orton something in his teammates, they have potential; he knows that they don't care much for him, but tonight Randy suggests that Cody & Manu walk with him so that they can realize their mutual potential; when they're ready to talk, he'll be in his locker room
in the backstage area, Chris Jericho bothers Kane, stating that the backstage buzz going around the arena's that there'll be an unstoppable monster performing later in the night, but it won't be the Bald Red Machine, it'll be Heavyweight champion John Cena; everybody in the locker room thinks that the BalderTaker can't beat the Doctor of Thuganomics, they all think that he'll submit to the 'STFU' "Submission Through Fear" Stepover Toehold Facelock; Kane isn't interested in Y2J's mindgames, he loves the WWE Universe & he's gonna go out there & put on 1 helluva performance against the Heavyweight champion; the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah might get what he wants tonight, but not @ the hands of the Bald Red Machine
Santino Marella & Women's champion "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix amble their way to ringside to do special guest commentary for the following RAW DIVAS MATCH: Melina Perez beats Jillian Hall with a 'Last Call' Flipping Sitout Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: well @ lease Jillian can wrestle better than she can sing!}; after the match, Glamarella question how durable Perez may be, but Melina in turn questions how Phoenix can call herself "Glamazon", when she isn't even all that glamorous, but not to worry, as soon the former MNMer will be taking Beth's favourite accessory from her; now look here, Melanie, she's not so big a deal, she comes to the ring & does her special entrance, but when Santino tries to do it, he not only falls off the ring apron, he strains his Italian sausage; backstage, Marella sits with a coupla bags of ice on his groin, then gets a massage from Goldust, illiciting a manly squeal from the Milan Miracle
John Brad$haw Layfield saunters to the ring, where he proclaims that he received no response to his "offer he can't refuse" from 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, so tonight he's gonna challenge the Showstopper to a Street Fight match; HBK Sexy Boys to the ring, where JBL declares that he's making Shawn an offer to take care of his family, since he himself have been hoarding money thanks to Missus Layfield's astute financial planning, but everybody else was blindly following the leader & therefore lost almost everything; apparently, Michaels lost his 401K & his children's college fund, so instead of having to worry about such financial quandaries, Brad$haw offers HBK a job, so that he doesn't have to wrestle into his 50s & 60s like those washed-up has-beens who are demeaning their legacies in high school gyms around the country while hawking their 8x10s; all the revenue that Shawn'll make off of his D-Generation X t-shirts will pale in comparison to what he'll take in under JBL's employ; 1 more fall, 1 more Hell in a Cell, 1 more huge crack & his very life might be over, let alone his career; so they can square off in a Street Fight tonight, or Michaels can come work for Layfield, whaddayasay; ever since the pyro went off a few minutes ago & both men were standing in the ring, the entire WWE Universe's been buzzing for HBK to drop JBL with a 'Sweet Chin Music' Superkick, but he'd better make it a good 1 because once that kick lands, the offer's off the table forever; the consummate family man, the Showstopper ambles his way backstage, giving the very distinct impression that he's accepting Layfield's offer
a video package plays, mocking those insurance commercials that have a celebrity speaking on behalf of a real-life customer, this time having RAW's Hacksaw Jim Duggan translating for a http://www.WWEShop.com customer
before the following match, Dolph Ziggler saunters to the ring & introduces himself to the WWE Universe; then, when he tries to introduce himself to Dave "The Animal" Batista, he's flummoxed that he's not getting the appropriate respect from the former Heavyweight champion, going so far as to lay palm across chops @ high velocity, which naturally leads to Batista defeating Ziggler with a 'BatistaBomb' Sitout Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: would you wanna be the guy who slaps the Animal in his hometown?!}; after the match, "Legend Killer" Randy Orton swaggers out onto the ring entrance rap, where he congratulates Batista on his victory, before going onto saying that before too much longer, it'll be the Legend Killer versus the Animal; well, funny that Randy should mention that, since Dave was talking to ECW Owner Stephanie McMahon earlier today & Nipple H told him that the pair will face off in 2 weeks @ Armageddon; backstage, Chris Jericho confronts Orton, asking that he allow Kane to do what Kane does naturally, then Y2J & the Legend Killer can head to the ring & take out the new Heavyweight champion in the shortest homecoming in WWE history; nobody needs to question what side Orton's on when it comes to the Chain Gang Commander, but he's got his hands full with Batista in 2 weeks, so he really doesn't have time to fight Jericho's battles; but how about this. . . nobody remembers that Randy pinned Cena @ WrestleMania, his own return from injury was overshadowed by the Doctor of Thuganomics returning, making Orton seem like an afterthought, but the ÜberStar of Jerichlean Proportions can help the Legend Killer in that regard
before the following match, Layla El's seen speaking {presumably} with Intercontinental champion William Regal on a phone, telling him that ECW Owner Stephanie McMahon agreed with LAyle's suggestion of eliminating Rey Mysterio Junior from the tournament if he couldn't compete after Mike Knox caused the former Latino World Order member to injure some ligaments in his elbow; 1st ROUND, #1 CONTENDERSHIP, RAW INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE 8-MAN TOURNAMENT MATCH: ECWWE's John Morrison pins ECWWE's Fit Finlay with a Stiff Kick to The Back of The Head {PSYCHOLOGY: which means the Shaman of Sexy takes on Tag Team co-champion CM Punk in the 2nd round, but who will take on ECWWE's Mike "The Miz" Mizanin in the final opening round match, or will he merely receive a bye into the 2nd round?}; nippling of whom, here comes Stepho-Mac, declaring that next week RAW hosts the re-inagural Slammy Award; here are the nominees for the Superstar of the Year award: Smackdown Heavyweight champion Edge, RAW's Dave "The Animal" Batista, Smackdown's Jeff Hardy, RAW's Chris Jericho, Smackdown's HHH & RAW Heavyweight champion John Cena; furthermore, these Superstars will be in action against each other, as Y2J takes on the Rainbow-Haired Charismatic Enigmatic Warrior, champion versus champion, the Doctor of Thuganomics takes on the Rated-R Superstar & the Animal tangles with the Game; so be sure to turn in to RAW next week @ a special start time of 8pm EST; now, onto the final 1st ROUND, #1 CONTENDERSHIP, RAW VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL RAW INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE 8-MAN TOURNAMENT MATCH: RAW's Rey Mysterio Junior beats ECWWE's Mike "The Miz" Mizanin with a Roll-Up {PSYCHOLOGY: yikes, just when I'd assumed that the Miz'd automatically get a vie to the next round, Rey-Rey not only comes out to take part in the match, he goes & wins it!}
MAIN EVENT, RAW HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: champion John Cena defeats Kane with an 'FU' Fireman's Slam {PSYCHOLOGY: well, since I never heard Cole or Lawler say it wasn't a title match, I just assumed they'd give the Bald Red Machine the benefit of the doubt!}; after the match, Chris Jericho, Cody Rhodes & his burly man-friend Manu assault the Doctor of Thuganomics, leaving him wide-open for 'Legend Killer" Randy Orton to pummel the Chain Gang Commander, eventually dropping him on the concrete with his Hanging DDT, then the tarheelians cap off the barrage with Y2J slapping on the 'Walls of Jericho' Elevated Crab
12/02/08 originating on the Sci-Fi Network {in the United States} & rebroadcast on Global {in Canada} the following Friday, late-night
commentating by Matt Striker & Todd Grisham
from the Verizon Center in Washington, DC; now in WWE~HD
"The All-American American" Jack Swaggers saunters down to the ring, where he introduces himself as un defeated ,he hasn't been pinned either in college or here in ECWWE; he defeated "Innovator of Violence" Tommy Dreamer last week in an Extreme Rules match last week, so he invites General Manager Theodore R. Long to the ring to name him the #1 Contender for the Heavyweight title; Long holla-holla-hollas to the ring, where he says he doesn't wanna do that, there are a number of wrestlers who are better Contenders for the title, like. . . Tiffany suggests Ricky Ortiz, who's likewise undefeated; Ortiz saunters down to the ring, where he agrees that the General Manager's assistant has a good idea, they're both undefeated, but Ricky does have something over Swagger, he can actually say the promotion's name without a debilitating lisp; Jack channels his inner psychic, proclaiming that later tonight there's gonna be a #1 Contendership match. . . but Long pulls 1 over on Jack, making the match. . . right now; #1 CONTENDERSHIP, ECWWE HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: Swagger pins Ortiz with an 'Orthodontist's Dream' Gutwrench Powerbomb {PSYCHOLOGY: now how's that for, as the French say, "dans l'authoritie"!}; after the match, in the General Manager's office, Teddy consoles Tiffany on the loss of her obvious honey, when Smackdown's Montell Vontavius Porter storms in, thanking Long for having him on ECWWE, as he was the original GM who signed MVP to his rather lucrative deal, so he clearly understands how valuable Porter is for WWE; well, what Long doesn't understand's how Vontavius hasn't achieved his Incentive Bonus yet, since they're all kinda easy, actually, he doesn't understand what the problem is; there's no problem that a victory over the Heavyweight champion -- a man he's already beaten when both were on Smackdown -- won't solve
a video package plays, hyping the pending DVD release of "Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia", starring RAW's Ken Kennedy, premiering January 6th, 2009
Fit Finlay angers to the ring, where he calls out "World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry, who laid a massive smackdown onto the Tough Irish Bastard last week, so now this week it's payback time; naw, naw, naw, the former Sexual Chocolate don't play dat, this goes back further than last week, since there hasn't been a match yet, between the 2, Finlay hasn't been able to beat Henry without his shillelagh, so if Fit wants to start something, then it's on like a neckbone. . . if Fit wants some action, then Henry has some action for him. . . & his son, as the World's Strongest Man proposes the only match that sounds fair for everybody concerned, a Tag Team match, pitting WWE Hall of Famer "Mister USA" Tony Atlas & his charge, against Finlay & Hornswaggle; there's no need to drag Fit's son into this, then can settle this like men. . . & yet apparently they can't since there's no way the Tough Irish Bastard can beat Henry without the use of his shillelagh, so dem's the rules, deal with it; naw, naw, naw, don't punk out now, a minute ago Fit was talking about how his grandfather & father loved to fight, so let's get it on
a video package plays, showing RAW's 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels & Smackdown's HHH classically shilling the new Elimination Chamber ~ such great holiday present ideas, all available @ http://www.WWEShop.com ~ with the Showstopper going on & on about how it has 40 pieces & he'll be stuck putting it together on Christmas morning, because his kids'll forget all about the other 14 gifts they got & never mind that he was up until 4am wrapping the other presents & making things special & he just knows that they're gonna have more fun playing with the box! . . .
DJ Gabriel beats Josh Daniels with a 'Rock the Bells' Top-Rope European Uppercut {PSYCHOLOGY: 3 in a row, so maybe he's gonna be a top contender for the Heavyweight title as well? . . .}; after the match, Gabriel & Alicia Fox do a little dance
WWE Home Video presents "The History of the Intercontinental Championship", a 3-disc DVD set, available now @ all major DVD retailers & http://www.WWEShop.com
MAIN EVENT, ECWWE VERSUS SMACKDOWN, INTER-PROMOTIONAL MATCH: ECWWE Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy defeats Smackdown's Montell Vontavius Porter with a 'Twist of Fate' Twisting Neckbreaker in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: so, not only does the former Mattitude Practitioner get a win over his former nemesis, but MVP chalks up another loss!}
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S ~ M ~ A ~ C ~ K ~ D ~ O ~ W ~ N
12/05/08 originating on MyNetworkTV {in the United States} & on The SCORE {in Canada}
commentating by Tazz & 2007 WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross
from the Times Union Center in Albany, New York; now in WWE~HD
Heavyweight champion Edge pins "Kung" Fu-Naki with a 'Spear' Charging Shouldertackle in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: sure. . . why not? . . .}; after the match, General Manager Vickie Guerrero demands that the WWE Universe join her in another round of applause for the Rated-R Superstar, then she gushes @ the mere thought of his being on Smackdown, then proclaims that Edge's opponents @ Armageddon, HHH & Jeff Hardy, will take part in a Tag Team match later tonight, with some interesting rule twists. . . they have to face team after team & the match continues until the Game & the Rainbow-Haired Charismatic Enigmatic Warrior lose, how shiny's that!?
SMACKDOWN DIVAS MATCH: Maria Kanellis beats Divas champion Michelle McCool with a 'School Girl' Roll-Up in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: what, 2 in a row?!}; after the match, the Bella Twins & Dos Colons congratulate the Future Ex-Missus Jabroni, until McCool stomps in & boots her right in the eggs
a video package plays, hyping the pending DVD release of "Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia", starring RAW's Ken Kennedy, premiering January 6th, 2009
backstage, the Big Show proclaims that he's ready for his Steel Cage match against the UnderTaker & for anybody who doubts that assessment, a video package plays, showing several shots of TBS bashing the hell outta the Dead Man; they're both going to hell & there's only 1 of them coming back, the former WCW Giant
DID YOU KNOW. . . WWE's the #2 in Yahoo searches for 2008, beating out Barack Obama, American idol, Miley Cyrus, Lindsay Lohan & Angelina Jolie {now that would be 1 helluva battle royal!} . . . ; betcha Montell Vontavius Porter knew that, as he stands in the ring, where he acknowledges his extraordinarily strong run of bad luck, thanks to which he never secured the necessary win going into the Survivor Series & therefore, lost his Incentive Bonus, which he would've used to buy some really nice Christmas presents for his friends & family, but that's all out the window now; perhaps the WWE Universe's noticed that WWE took away his Superstar entrance & pyro, which just leaves him 1 means of getting himself into the holiday spirit & that's to take out the man who's been popping up & p popping off, so now it's time for MVP to pop Hurricane Helms in the mouth; Helms defeats Porter with a 'Shining Apprentice' Modified Shining Wizard {PSYCHOLOGY: but ironically enough, this'll help keep Vontavius employed with WWE!}
backstage, HHH gets all up in Jeff Hardy's grill, saying that he's sick of the Rainbow-Haired Charismatic Enigmatic Warrior getting in his way, but the former Team 2xtremer has a few choice words for the Game from behind his new Vampiro-inspired facepaint, so they'll see each other out there in that ring, where they'll somehow be able to work together to take out as many Tag Teams General Manager Vickie Guerrero can throw @ them, so. . . good luck out there, maybe? . . . ; SMACKDOWN VERSUS ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL TAG TEAM GAUNTLET MATCH: Smackdown's OMEGA Rizing (the Cerebral Assassin & Jeff Hardy) versus Smackdown's EdgeHeads (Zack Ryder & Kurt Hawkins); the King of Kings pins Ryder with a Hardy-Applied 'Swanton' Arching Centon Bomb; Smackdown's OMEGA Rizing (HHH & the Rainbow-Haired Warrior) versus ECWWE's Altered Reality (Mike "The Miz" Mizanin & John Morrison); the Miz beats Hardy via Countout After the Game & the Raindow-Haired Charismatic Enigmatic Warrior Won't Stop Brawling @ Ringside {PSYCHOLOGY: not what I'd've expected, but alright, I suppose!}; after the match, the Cerebral Assassin & the former Team 2xtremer continue brawling, until some backstage personnel & some security guys manage to get between them; in the General Manager's office, Vickie Guerrero & Heavyweight champion Edge laugh maniacally @ the sheer genius of putting the King of Kings & the Charismatic Enigma in a singles match next week; in stomps Jeff Hardy, who wants to know why they wanted to see him, but the Rated-R Superstar's sick of the Rainbow-Haired Warrior blaming him for his being excluded from the Triple Threat match @ the Survivor Series, so he asks Jeff to think for a minute about who had the most to gain & the least to lose, namely HHH; speaking of whom, the Game saunters in for apparently much the same reason as Hardy, then gets a faceful of fists from the former Team 2xtremer, leaving the Conniving Canuck & Mamacita Heat to mack on each other in sheer pleasure @ both not being injured in that altercation & for their sheer evil genius; ECWWE INTER-PROMOTIONAL MATCH: Heavyweight champion Matt Hardy versus Chavo Guerrero Junior goes to a No Contest After Vladimir Kozlov Beats the Tar Out of Both Men in This Non-Title Match {PSYCHOLOGY: awww, C'MON!!!}
a video package plays, showing RAW's 2016 WWE Hall of Famer "HeartBreak Kid" Shawn Michaels & Smackdown's HHH classically shilling the new Elimination Chamber ~ such great holiday present ideas, all available @ http://www.WWEShop.com ~ with the Showstopper going on & on about how it has 40 pieces & he'll be stuck putting it together on Christmas morning, because his kids'll forget all about the other 14 gifts they got & never mind that he was up until 4am wrapping the other presents & making things special & he just knows that they're gonna have more fun playing with the box! . . .
Ranjin Singh & the Great Khali head to the ring for this week's edition of the Kiss Cam, where WWE once again proves its marketing genius by making this "ruggedly-handsome devil" the hottest babyface that stands @ over 7' tall; after a few special holiday kisses delivered, Singh tries to call a lady into the ring to kiss the Punjabi Playboy, but he instead provides the Farsi Flinger with a very special little helper, Eve Torres {Christmas Eve, no less!}, who gets her some Saudi Sugar @ the hands {& lips} of the Great Khali
MAIN EVENT, STEEL CAGE MATCH: the UnderTaker makes the Big Show Submit with a 'Hell's Gate' Figure 4 Chokehold {PSYCHOLOGY: nice!}
