Isn't it funny? It's been more then half a year but it seems that my feelings for that certain someone has come back. I was strong, confident and alive. But then he had to email me right before I take off to my big adventure to Montreal. So here I sit thinking about him. My heart literally is hurting for him. But its silly, he only wrote Hi Kim and now everything is rushing through my mind. I haven't seen him or talked to him since X mas. I know its probably nothing and that I should be out there having fun. I'm going out tonight but i am here waiting for a friend to have their shower and I am listening and how ironic these songs are my feelings and they all remind me of him. I subconsiously made a list... that conveys all my feelings. But i think I need to be strong and forget about him again. But thinking of him with another girl right now really tears my heart out. I don't know if i went back to liking him cause i haven't gotten over him properly or maybe I'm in love with him or maybe its just because the next guy didn't work out so i fell back a step.

i think the two songs that really sum up our story is Maraina's Trench, All To Myself and Painted On My Heart by The Cult. they have been in my head for a good week now.

I know, just take a breath and don't think about him. everyone already doesn't want me invovled with him. But there is something that is pulling me back. Probably blind faith or false hope. It seems that I always think, "This is it. This is the time." but it seems that anything i get excited about NEVER happens.

I just went to this guy in Montreal for a reading and he apparently is a very top reader from around the world. He said that i'll live long, my health is ok, my family has no problems, I am so so luck with money but my new job will give me great money, i'll have two kids, have a boyfriend soon for i think three years. I'll have a good partner.

See this is why i hate falling for someone or cant let go. I go weird. everytime.

But his eyes... they haunt me. and i still can feel his lips on mine.

why can't i just let go?

The dreams are getting worse. More realistic. So real that sometimes i can't define the different between reality and fantasy. It seems like you are here ALL the time but the problem is...

We've never met.

Sometimes I feel like its all in my head. That my mind is so powerful that I can conjure up a world that goes beyond your imagination. Why do you come? Do i call for you? Do i just make you appear? I know I do yell your name out, but you never show and twice you appeared out of no where when the dream has nothing to do with you.

I do believe there is another side. The other side where we all go to when we sleep. Where everyone else awaits even they aren't born in this realm. She told me that we were going to be together in the end but there are things that need to be finished first.

I am a skeptic. Could this be real? Could I possibly be the one who can sense and foretell my ending?

No... alot of people would dismiss that. There is nothing to this world more then what the eye can see. But they are wrong.

I can feel it.

Sometimes I can hear it.

But alot of people dream of you. So... I am one of the faces in the crowd. Just another fan.

Then why are there signs? Why are their coincidences that point arrows to you? What is supposed to happen?! How long must I wait? I can't lie here forever and watch as my world passes by. What path am I supposed to take? I fear of losing this opportunity but in the eyes of the others I am a fool...

I guess that one night when I sat on my bed talking to you... you made sense...

"One minute you can be a hero, the next you can be a nobody."

I just allowed myself to like someone here... am I doing the right thing?

I just don't want to be wrong.

Another year has passed and it was a weird one in fact for me. I was always on the run, just like how i like my life to be. Lost many friends, gained many and grew, evolved and learned how to be patient, be true to myself and don't be scared to show passion and support to those around you. Living in the country I got to watch the stars and listen to the coyotes and party hard around bonfires. Quading through scenic routes, watching cowboys thrown off rustled bulls and laugh as i danced the night away with all my friends. Even though alot has changed and happened I recall feeling a change in the air in january when i sat down in my barn yard, feeding my horse. The sun was just crossing the sky at noon and the snow glittered like gems. A weird feeling came over me. a change that i wasn't sure was going to be good. the change lasted a year then on my 21st birthday, November 25th, after a falling out with a certain someone, i felt that change again. it crawled in the living room like a shadow warrior. i smiled though. i felt free! the stress that i had burdened diminished and my worries all fell to pieces around me. Even though i cried cause my birthdays are cursed but i cried just cause life at that time was throwing knives at me and i wasn't catching them. But now, a week later i have never felt better!

So I am the way i was a year ago, not giving a care in the world. I don't need a boyfriend! I never had one! (if you get my drift) even though i loved him, i still learned to let him go silently, cause in the end, i realized he wasn't for me. now i am happy that we left on a truce and that we didn't hurt eachother. I think i was scared that i would hurt him but really I don't think he cared. I know it sounds harsh but i makes me feel better cause I don't like breaking hearts. its not me.

I am getting signs that I am on the right path and so much has been happening that is leading to one point. the future I know some of it cause weirdly i have precognition or prophetic dreams. even though i am a skeptic myself but i can't deny that the things that are happening i had dreamt the night or week before it happened.

Every so many nights i go to bed and there is a certain someone on the other side who is waiting and he always greets me with open arms. I cannot say whom it is for it a secret and a mystery for you to decipher. And its funny my dreams are where I belong, where 'we' belong. i remember he told me, "I wish i could dream like this more often" or "I want to give you so much more, you deserve the best and you have done so much for so many," but i know i may never meet him but i still carry a hope and happiness cause even though it may be a dream... they mean alot to me. but who knows. someday. maybe. someday.

now as i grow more, and learn more and evolve into something greater, I will look back and realize that i knew very little. i will take this step and go beyond. I know i don't belong 'here' and that i belong out there... we all know... i am a person who wants to teach many about alot of things.

but before i go, I want to thank all my friends, my family and those even though i have lost you either forever or for a while i thank you for the lessons you gave me in life. I wouldn't be here without all of you.

I love you guys

True Facts:

Rowdy Roddy Piper actually lived in Gimli, Manitoba, only twenty minutes north of where i live. A man from Selkirk which is only half an hour south east of my town was recently signed to WWE. My grandparents knew stu hart, but not on a personal level. they used to go to stampede wrestling when they lived in calgary. my great uncle and aunt met chris jericho who is from winnipeg, which is forty minutes south of my town. and my second cousin has met john cena twice and my brother has met matt hardy at a strip bar lol my brother actually also ran into curt angle at a book store by fluke.

i was talking about this today with some people. its weird. wrestling is all around me hahaha

so anyways i am supposed to be celebrating my birthday which is on this teusday, the twenty fifth but go figure, half of my friends ditched me and the other half cant come to the bar cause they just raised the age limit to twenty and over. but i am pissed cause i go to everyones party, i do things for them, i help them out but when it comes to me its like they dont even **** care. that is not a true friend. but i would love to thank my best friend matt who actually is willing to go to the bar for me cause its my birthday. i actually cried in front of him. it sucks not having any friends and it seems like everytime i turn around these people are accusing me of their problems. its not my fault u guys cant keep a relationship. i dont even want a bf right now cause i know that will just make me not do the stuff i want to do in life. i am so dedicated to family that i would drop everything to support my other. its just who i am i would rather see my friends happy then being selfish. so anyways enough about that but i am watching prison break cause my other best friend just bought me it for x mas cause she lives pretty far away and i am not sure we will see eachother for xmas so i am watching it and i am astonished by amaury nolasco. like he is orgasmic hahaha but don't get me wrong i still love john cena and jeff hardy but i can only watch them on wrestling and all and i get to watch this guy in movies and prison break. i dunno... he is just that damn sexy yum...!! but anyways i should get going. i just had to rant cause none of my friends are on here so i can freely express myself when i get pissed off and that is rare. but i am going to go hope in the shower and get ready to dance my ass off!!! lol