Sharona Nd Tana Rule lol umm umm tana did not write this lol umm SHARONA DID IT LOL umm lol WE Kepp JJ up wen he wants too sleep lol HEHEHEHEHEHE JJ TEACHES SHARONA BAD WORDS BAD JJ nd umm Poison rulez too nd ssj5vin nd sami nd 101 nd ect. lol SHARONA IZ TOTALLY AWESOME
Tana waz here i mean sharona waz here XD
..................... JOSEPH HEARTS JEFF HARDY DEEP DOWN INSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kyle: Dude, I have to save Ike! I don't even know what to do!
Stan: Well, we can't do anything now; that fat **** won't let us!
Ms. Crabtree: [shouts] What did you say?!
Stan: I said "Rabbits eat lettuce."
Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do.
after seeing a crop circle on the news that looks just like him]
Cartman: Hey, that kind of looks like... Tom Sellick.
Kyle: Cartman, you're such a fat ass that when you walk down the street, people go "God damn it, that's a big fat ass!"
Cartman: No they don't, you jealous weakling!
Man: God damn, that's a big fat ass!
Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?
Kyle: Dolphins don't live in igloos! Those are Eskimos, idiot!
Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree hugging hippie **** anyway!
tan: Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.
Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise!
Stan: Uncle Jimbo says that after this he's taking me to Africa.
Cartman: My mom says there are lots of black people in Africa.
Stan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.
Uncle Jimbo: No nephew of mine is gonna be a tree-hugger!
Cartman: Yeah, hippie! Go back to Woodstock if you don't want to shoot anything!
Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like "Hey! Why don't you stop dressing me up like a mailman and making me dance for you, while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know?"
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, is all.
Mrs. Cartman: Eric, I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said that this show is naughty and might make you a potty-mouth.
Cartman: That's a load of ****. Kyle's mom is a dirty Jew!
Coroner:You know,I think death is least funny when it happens to a child.
Cartman: Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, otherwise Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.
Kenny: [oblivious to Cartman's statement]
Cartman: I said it's too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire!
Kenny: [oblivious]
Cartman: [exasperated] Y-your family is poor, Kenny! -- Your family is real poor!
Stan: If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom I'd be a big fatass too!
Cartman: That's right!
[Cartman realizes he's been insulted]
Cartman: Ay!
Damien: The new reign of my father!
Mr. Garrison: Who's your father?
Damien: The Prince of Darkness!
Mr. Garrison: Wow, we have royalty in our class!
Cartman: Ants in the Pants? Ants in the Pants?!
Kyle: It's a game dude, it's really fun.
Cartman: You son-of-a-****![jumps on Kyle, hysterical]You were supposed to get me the red Mega Man! Now I can't make Ultra-Mega Mega Man, you dirty, cheap-ass piece of ****!
Kyle: They were all out of them, dude!
Cartman: I hate you! I want you to die! DIE!!
Kyle: [at the same time as Cartman] Aaaaaaaah!!
Mr. Garrison: And where are you from, Damien?
Damien: The seventh level of hell!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama.
Cartman: Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk?
Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Eric, they just do.
[Kyle sniffs Kenny in disgust]
Wendy: Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?
Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
Wendy: I couldn't help but notice you've taken a liking to my boyfriend Stan.
Ms. Ellen: Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life...
Wendy: Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?
Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
Wendy: [flips her off] Don't **** with me!
Ms. Ellen: What?!
Wendy: You heard me! Stay away from my man, **** or I'll whoop your sorry hoe-ass back to last year!...Bye, Ms. Ellen!
Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?
Mrs. Cartman: Sure.
Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has a dad?
Mrs. Cartman: Yes.
Cartman: And my friends Kyle and Kenny have dads?
Mrs. Cartman: Yes?
[long pause]
Mrs. Cartman: Well, what's your question?
Cartman: Goddamn it, do I have a dad?!
Mrs. Cartman: Oh!
Cartman: I wanna know where I came from.
Mrs. Cartman: You see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a women are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other.
Cartman: Uh-huh...
Mrs. Cartman: And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly in the woman's cha-cha.
[long pause]
Cartman: So who put his hoo-hoo dilly into your cha-cha?
Mrs. Crabtree: Get on this bus right now, we're running late!
Stan: We're not going today, you fat ugly ****!
Mrs. Crabtree: What did you say?!
Stan: I said "we're not going today, you fat ugly ****!"
Mrs. Crabtree: (calmly) Oh, Okay. [drives off]
Kyle: Whoa, dude!
Stan: Wow, I always wondered if that would actually work.
Cartman: More tea, Rumpertumskin?
Rumpertumskin: Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome.
Cartman: Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?
Clyde Frog: I think you're a big fat piece of ****.
Cartman: Ay!!
Cartman: I was just hanging out in the SPC, kicking it with some homies on the Westsa-eed-eh.
Kyle: Cartman, you live on the east side!
Cartman: For my book report, I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: No, I can't say I have.
Cartman: In The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical camel, which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a B minus.
Mr Garrioson: And I give you an F Eric now sit down.
Randy Marsh: Uh yes, officer?
Cartman: I clocked you at 40 mph back there. Do you know what the speed limit is heyah?
Randy Marsh: Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 mph.
Cartman: Step out of the car, please, sir.
Randy Marsh: Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?
Cartman: Step out of the car, please.
Randy Marsh: Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.
Cartman: Ay! I am a cop, and you will respect my authoritah!
Mrs. Crabtree: Don't get off the bus or a big scary monster will eat you! [she gets off the bus]
Butters: Hey, why isn't the monster eating her?
Stan: Because, ****, monsters don't eat big fat smelly ****es!
Mrs. Crabtree: What did you say?!
Stan: I said "Larry King won't grant me three wishes."
The boys stop in front of a sign with "Stu's Fireworks" written on it]
Stan: Oh yea, dude, it's summer. That means we've gotta' buy fireworks!
Kyle: I saved up enough money to buy M-80's this year.
Stan: I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.
Kyle: Cool, maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat!
Cartman: Hey! If you so much as touch kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack and blow your balls all over your pants!
Stan: Jesus, Cartman!
Cartman[His voice trailing off]: Well, I'm just seriously now, don't mess with kitty now.
Gerald: [reading] "'My Final Solution' by Kyle Broflovski. My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna live in a world of only gods, so my idea to make America better will go ahead and I can put all the poor people into camps." WHAT!? "If we get rid of them, there will be no one but the wealthy, and there won't be any hunger, poverty or homeless people, cause they'll all be dead. The End." My God, what have I done?
Stan: You suck, Cartman! If you want to play America vs. Bosnia anymore, you can just play with yourself!
Cartman: Fine! I like playing with myself! I'll play with myself all day long!
[Kenny laughs]
Cartman: What?
Johnny Cochrane: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it; that does not make sense! Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself; What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation, [approaches and softens] does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.
[Tweek is worried about his family becoming poor]
Cartman: You can always go on welfare. Just look at Kenny's family, they're perfectly happy being poor and they're on welfare. Right Kenny?
Kenny: **** you!
Cartman: Heheh, you suck, Kenny.
Stan: Great job, you killed Kyle!
Kenny: [muffled] You ****!
Cartman: Well, he shouldn't have called me fat!
Stan: Why the hell not? It's just like calling the sky blue!
Cartman: [lodged in a cow's ****] Aw, it smells like Kenny's house in here!
Kelly: (to Kenny) Lenny, can I tell you something?
Kenny: (muffled) uh huh?
Kelly: I think I like you.
Kenny: (muffled) Really?
Kelly: Yes, I think we communicate really well.
Kenny: (muffled) Wow, that's great!
Kelly: (sadly) No, that's not great.
Kenny: (surprised) That's not great?
Kelly: Yes, I live on the opposite side of the country, and when this choir tour ends we'll never see each other again and I'm only going to get my heart broken I just can't get feelings for you. I just can't, Lenny!
Kenny: Awwwww!
Cartman: Mister! You gotta help me, I'm starving to death!
Worker: What are you doing out here, little boy?
Cartman: I was with my class, and we got all lost in the rain forest and I need some food; I'm fading fast.
Worker: Lost in the rain forest? Oh my lord! Where are all the others?
Cartman: Food! I have to have food!
[Cartman collapses.]
Worker: Oh my god! Get this child some food quick!
Cartman: [lifts his head up] Chicken wings.
Worker: Chicken wings!
Cartman: [lifts his head again] Medium spicy.
Kelly: Oh, stop! I wanna go home! I HATE the rainforest!
Kenny: (stops and hugs her) Come on, it'll be alright.
Kelly: (desperate for more affection) Oh, Lenny, hold me. Oh no, I can't get attached to you. Oh but I do like you. But I'm only going to get my heart broken.
Kenny: (frustrated) Oh, **** YOU!!!
Sexual Harrassment Panda Song:
Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harrassment… Panda!
Who explains sexual harassment to you and me?
Sexual Harrassment… Panda!
Don't say that, don't touch there…
Don't be nasty says the silly bear!
He's come to tell you what's right and wrong…
Sexual Harrassment… Panda!
Cartman: [begins to wolf down the food] God, this is really good, Scott!
Scott: I'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're almost finished, I have something to tell you.
Cartman: (through a mouthful of chili) What? You mean about how you put pubes in your chili? [Everyone at Scott's end of the table is shocked, even Scott, at this accusation.]
Scott: What?
Cartman: Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. [Chef looks like he's been used.] It's delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. [Stan and Kyle are stunned.] I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins' pony to bite off your weiner. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. [A shot of Cartman telling Denkins of such a thing. Denkins is armed.] I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your weiner bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. [A shot of Scott talking with his parents.] And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. [The Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony, but upon seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them, and they go down.]
Mr. Denkins: [looks of horror surround him] Well, they was trespassin' and I was protectin' myself. I-I have my rights.
Scott: My...mom and dad are...dead? [A shot of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins.]
Cartman: I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies... [A shot of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the bodies away.] After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could personally tell you about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. [More faces of horror behind Cartman.] Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? [A gleefully evil look comes over Cartman.] I call it, "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili."
Scott: [looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what's just happened] Oh, my God! [Gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger. He tosses it away.] Oh, my God!! [Vomits off to the side.]
Cartman: [leaping up on the table and sings] Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! I made you eat your parents! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! [Stan and Kyle are stunned.]
Stan: Jesus Christ, dude!
Scott: [grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table] My mom and dad are dead! [Pounds the table.] No! No-o-o! [Radiohead arrives and stands behind Scott. Stan notices.]
Thom: Um, excuse me?
Stan: Who are you?
Jonny: We're that band, Radiohead.
Ed: [to Scott] Jeez, what a little crybaby!
Colin: Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby?
Thom: You know, everyone has problems; it doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it.
Ed: Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. [The members of the band start leaving.]
Thom: Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met.
Phil: Little crybaby.
Scott: [gathers himself and looks.] No, wait! Wa-a-i-i-t-t! Oh my God, Oh my Go-o-o-o-d!! [Buries his face in the table and bawls again.] Nooo!
Cartman:[walks over to Scott's end of the table] Yes! Ye-e-s-s! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott! [Starts licking Scott's tears off his face.] Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet.
Kyle: Dude, I think it might be best for us to never piss Cartman off again.
Stan: Good call.
Cartman: Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Mm-yummy. [Licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face.]
Cartman: [singing]
Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go
My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that door
I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just shut off the lights
Butters: Eric, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't say the "F" word about Jesus.
Token: Yeah, you're gonna hurt the band.
Cartman: Who ****ing cares, Token?! I can never beat Kyle now! I'll say it again: **** JESUS!![people start to scream and run away]
Man: My ears are bleeding!
Token: Good job, dick head, you've lost the entire audience!!
Cartman: Oh, **** you, Token, you black ****!!!
[Token angrily beats up Cartman and walks away while Stan, Kyle, and Kenny see Cartman coughing in pain]
Stan: Hmm, guess he got what he deserved. [he, Kyle, & Kenny walk away]
Butters: [pauses for a moment, then farts in Cartman's face and gives him the finger] **** you, Eric! [walks away, leaving Cartman all alone]
Gerald: The answer is no, Kyle.
Kyle: Oh, come on, dad, stop being such a Jew!
Sheila: Kyle! Don't belittle your own people.
Cartman: Alright, dick hole, time for you to pay! [realizes his powers don't work] Oh, no, I have no powers! Kyle took them away from me! Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers so I can fight this evil villian!
Kyle: Okay, okay, you can have your powers back!
Cartman: Alright, now I use my powers to turn Kyle into a chicken! Blam!
Kyle: [is turned into a chicken]God damn it, Cartman!
Cartman: [sing-song voice] Ha ha ha ha ha-ha, now you are a chi-cken, nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh-nyeh...
(Theme song in Japanese)
Subarashii chinchin mono
Kintama no kami aru
Sore no oto sarubobo
Iie! Ninja ga imasuuuuuuuu
Hey hey let's go kenka suru
Taisetsu na mono protect my balls!
Boku ga warui so let's fighting--
Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!
Kono uta chotto baka
Wake ga wakaranai
Eigo ga mecha kucha
Daijoubu, we do it all the time!
Hey hey let's go kenka suru
Taisetsu na mono protect my balls!
Boku ga warui so let's fighting--
Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love…
English translation
I have a wonderful penis
There is hair on my balls
Is that the sound of a baby monkey ?
No! Ninjas are here!
Hey hey let's go! Getting in a fight!
The important thing is to protect my balls!
I am badass, so let's fighting--
Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!
This song is a little stupid
It doesn't make any sense
English is all ****ed up
But that's okay, we do it all the time
Hey hey let's go! Getting in a fight!
The important thing is to protect my balls!
I am badass, so let's fighting--
Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!
Cartman: Not Go Over to the Jeffersons?Well, excuse my French, Mrs. Marsh, but you can suck on my fat hairy balls!
Cartman: Mr. Jefferson, I wish I could be around you all the time. You're awesome.
Mr. Jefferson: I think you're awesome too, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah?
Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.
Cartman: Yeah?
Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.
Cartman: Yeah? (they move in for a kiss)
Stan: (waking up) Aaaaagghhh! (looks round to see Cartman asleep and facing the ceiling and not Mr. Jefferson)
Mr. Jefferson: (opens his eyes) What's the matter, Stan? You have a bad dream?
Stan: Yeah, a really bad dream. (shuts his eyes) Oh, Jesus.
tan (as a toddler): Dude, let's play firemen!
Kyle (as a toddler): Totally dude, let's play fireman!
Cartman (as a toddler): Jews can't be firemen!
Kyle (as a toddler): Shut up, fat ass!
Cartman (as a toddler): Don't call me fat you stupid jew!
Jimmy: Hey fellas, where's Cartman?
Stan: Cartman isn't our friend anymore.
Kyle: We're ignoring him.
Token: Ignoring him, how come?
Kyle: Because he's a fat racist self-centered intolerant manipulating sociopath.
Token: Oh yeah.
Cartman: (to Kyle) Shut your goddamned daywalker mouth!
Cartman: Don't you ever, ever compare me to Family Guy, you hear me Kyle? Compare me to Family Guy again and so help me, I will kill you where you stand! Do you have any idea what it's like? Everywhere I go: 'Hey Cartman you must like Family Guy, right?' 'Hey, your sense of humor reminds me of Family Guy Cartman!' I am NOTHING like Family Guy! When I make jokes they are inherent to a story! Deep situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant and has a point, not just one random interchangable joke after another!
Cartman: What's the worst thing you've ever done?
Bart Simpson: I stole the head off a statue once.
Cartman: [pause] Wow, that's pretty hardcore. Geez. That's like this one time when I didn't like a kid, so I ground his parents into chile and fed it to him
Worker: What is that, a pigbearman?
Al Gore: No, stupid, it's ManBearPig.
Mickey Mouse: (kicking Joe Jonas causing his nose to start bleeding) You don't ****ing talk to me like that, ha-ha, you little piece of ****! (Joe coughs) Get the **** up! Get the **** up! Ha-ha.
Mickey Mouse: Where would you be without me, Jonas Brothers? Ha-ha. Your music sucks and you know it, ha-ha. It's because you make little girl's gineys tickle, and when little girl's gineys tickle, I make money, ha-ha. And that's because little girls are ****ing stupid, ha-ha. And the purity rings make it okay to do whatever I want, ha-ha. Even the Christians are too ****ing stupid to figure out I'm selling sex to their daughters. I've made billions off of Christian ignornace for decades now, ha-ha, and do you know why? Because Christians are ****, ha-ha. They believe in a talking dead guy! Ha-ha! (Mickey realizes the curtain is up) Oh. Ha-ha. Hello, folks.
[the crowd boos]
Mickey Mouse: Now, now. Take it easy. Ha-ha. Here's the Jonas Brothers. (the booing gets louder)
Joe Jonas: Come on, guys. (The Jonas Brothers leave the stage)
Mickey Mouse: No! Wait! Stop! Come back here!
Guy: It's over, Mr. Mouse. Everyone's tuning out.
Mickey Mouse: No! No! God damn it! No! (the crowd is still booing) Shut up! Shut up! (screams while he grows, then he starts blowing out fire; the crowd runs away)
News Reporter: Tom, the Disney Jonas Brothers 3D television special has failed, costing the Disney company millions and once again Mickey is pissed off and is throwing a fit.
Mickey Mouse: (flying like a Macy's Thanksgiving Parade ballon) Vengeance is mine! You are all ants and I am your destroyer! Ha-ha! (blows fire, killing every person in his path)
Reporter: The Disney purity ring venture will most likely now prove a marketing bust, as Mickey returns to Valhalla to slumber and feed.
after Tammy performs fellatio on Kenny, he later contracts syphillis and dies]
Cartman: I told him. The woman's mouth is the most germ-ridden place, I said. Statistically the most unsafe place for a man to put his penis, I said.
Kyle: Well, now we know.
Cartman: And knowing is half the battle.
Carlos Mencia:[tied up at Kanye West's mansion]: OK, look, it wasn't me! I didn't really start the fish stick thing, all right?
Kanye West: You're just sayin' that now 'cause you're scared.
Carlos Mencia: No man, it's true! I stole it, man! I took credit for it 'cause I'm not actually funny! Come on, man, do you know what it's like? Being a comedian but not being funny? Come on, Kanye, I just take jokes and repackage them with a Mexican accent, man!
Kanye West: Think you can make fun of me? I'm a genius! I'm the voice of a generation! What are you?
Carlos Mencia: Nothing! Look at me, man! I'm not funny, I steal jokes, my dick don't work, man. I got to piss in a plastic bag, man, I got no dick!
[Phillip farts, sending Terrance flying through the air]
Terrance: Good one, Phillip!
Phillip: Cheers, ****-face.
Conan O'Brien: Guys, you can't say that on TV--
Phillip: Now Terrance smells like my ass!
Brooke Shields: I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon!
[silence; Terrance slaps her]
Mr. Garrison: Okay kids, let's start the day with a few new math problems. What is five times two? Come on children, don't be shy. Just give it your best shot. [Clyde raises his hand] Yes, Clyde?
Clyde: Twelve?
Mr. Garrison: Okay. Now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete ****. Anyone?
Kyle: I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison.
Cartman: [mocking Kyle in high-pitched, gibberish voice]
Kyle: Shut up, fat boy!
Cartman: Hey, don't call me fat, you ****ing Jew!
Mr. Garrison: Eric! Did you just say the F-word?!
Cartman: Jew?
Kyle: No, he's talking about the word ****. You can't say **** in school, ya ****in' fat ass!
Mr. Garrison: Kyle!
Cartman: Why the **** not?
Mr. Garrison: Eric!
Stan: Dude, you just said **** again!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley!
Kenny: [muffled] ****.
Mr. Garrison: Kenny!
Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody! ****, ****ity-****-****-****!
Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
[everyone gasps]
Mr. Garrison: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... Actually, what I said was... [picks up a megaphone] How would you like to suck my BALLS, Mr. Garrison?
[Garrison stands rooted to the spot, frozen with fury]
Stan: Holy ****, dude.
Stan: Why did our moms have to arrest Terrence and Phillip?
Mr. Garrison: I don't know. They're probably just having their periods or something.
Gregory: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I believe that was a sexist statement.
Mr. Garrison: Well I'm sorry, Wendy, but I just don't trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Cartman: Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, what?
Cartman: What's the big ****in' deal, ****?
Mr. Mackey: Aaah! Now I want to know where you heard these horrific obscenities, m'kay?
Stan: Um...
Kyle: We heard Mr. Garrison say them a few times.
Mr. Mackey: Boys, I seriously doubt Mr. Garrison ever said "eat penguin ****, you ass spelunker."
I'd argue Matt himself is to blame for the inconsistency throughout his WWE career. Some of the heat can be rightfully aimed at management for shady booking but at the end of the day, Hardy dictates the road ahead. Which means he's also responsible for the past and every time his push has diminished. Now Matt may not have a fan base as large as his brother or quite the same carefree attitude but the MF'ers do indeed exist. The numbers have dwindled down in my opinion but it isn't as if the casual wrestling fan can't enjoy a Matt Hardy bout when he's squaring off against a decent opponent. Take his ECW Title defense versus Evan Bourne at last year's Cyber Sunday for instance. Who wasn't expecting an entertaining contest from them? So it isn't as if Matthew can't put on a solid match. Those promos on the other hand... *shudders*. Speech class in high school could have done the guy wonders.
In retrospect, I personally think it all started after WrestleMania 17 when management thought it would be cool to push Matt & Jeff as singles competitors. They would still tag together on occasion but devoted more attention to the Intercontinental and European Championships. Each won separate gold and enjoyed marginal success apart although it wasn't long before the duo were back together on a full time basis. Now you assume 'okay no harm done'. Only problem is WWE made a mental note of the two occurences. And when the Brand Extension came to fruition the following year, the Hardyz remained on RAW however Matt became a regular on Heat while Jeff was pushed as a singles wrestler on the flagship program. The older Hardy would eventually end up on SmackDown but why not ship him off there in the first place to sell the effectiveness of the Brand Extension? Why risk stunting Matt's growth within the company and the progress he'd made over a five year span?
Fortunately, Hardy would rebound on the blue brand with an awesome gimmick known to most as Version 1 in which Matt worked feverishly to drop weight so he could compete for the Cruiserweight Title. Once the requirements were met, it wasn't long before he won the belt and began dominating the division (not to mention while also attaining great heel heat). After an excellent stint on SmackDown, Matt returned to RAW when things got stale and engaged in a solid feud with Kane over Lita which highlighted Hardy's slight rise in the WWE pecking order. To Matt's dismay, he was in desperate need of knee surgery and thus had to take a leave of absense. So instead of being booked strongly over The Big Red Machine and winning the girl back from the bad guy, Hardy was chokeslammed from the entrance stage and written off television. A major opportunity missed and one of many setbacks to come.
We've come to learn that while Matt was sidelined in 2004 & '05, Lita's slutty ways got the best of her and she started slobbing Edge's knob since Hardy couldn't move too quickly in the bedroom due to his healing leg. Once the affair went public, Matthew was none too happy about being betrayed by his girlfriend and former friend. I mean it was bad enough that Copeland was on the brink of superstardom. Lita sampling the Canadian deli meat was just too much and forced Hardy to take immediate action. The heated words & brawls came at a rapid pace and WWE instantly capitalized on it by transforming the real life drama into a storyline. Now usually the good guy comes out on top but don't forget this is Matt Hardy we're talking about here. Hence Edge topped him in a loser leaves RAW ladder match for Copeland's MITB briefcase and it was back to SmackDown for poor Matthew. I always found it funny how much Hardy was made out to look like a complete **** in the Matt/Edge/Lita love triangle. The guy does absolutely nothing wrong, has the fans rally behind him and yet the antagonists are put over tenfold. Feuding with Road Warrior Animal for several weeks afterwards should be a pretty good indicator of how much the company values Hardy.
Despite a year plagued with turmoil, Matthew got his ****ing act together in 2006. An excellent handful of matches with Gregory Helms were followed by the long awaited reunion of the Hardy Boyz. Matt & Jeff had a stellar first half of 2007 which included money feuds with MNM as well as Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch. They dropped the belts in June and while you'd be tempted to say 'all good things must come to an end', that wasn't nearly the case. Hardy waged war with relative newcomer MVP over the United States Title. Porter stood tall against Matt's initial onslaught before the two engaged in an infamous series of contests. MVP and Hardy ended up winning the WWE Tag Team Championships together and began working as a cohesive unit. That was until they dropped the belts to MorriMiz and Porter showed his true colors after the match by beating the **** out of Matt. The stage was set for an awesome climax to their storied feud however a lack of faith would deter Hardy from his first singles title. An emergency appendectomy took Matthew off WWE programming for over four months. Talk about your bad luck. Hardy & MVP were front runners for Feud of the Year and Matt was on the verge of significantly stepping up his game. His momentum seized at the worst possible time.
Hardy would get another crack at success when WM24 rolled around. Matt exacted his revenge and concluded the rivalry with MVP by capturing the United States Championship at Backlash. A trade to ECW in the '08 Draft would see Hardy drop the belt shortly after but waste no time in getting his hands on more hardware. A five month reign as ECW Champion geared up Matt for another heel turn and an intense feud with his brother Jeff. Given his victory at WrestleMania 25, all signs pointed to Matt finally being elevated to the main event. And after moving back to RAW ala the 2009 Draft Lottery, it seemed Hardy had struck it big. Money programs with Triple H and John Cena were surely on the horizon! But again, let us take a few steps back. The man under the microscope is Matt Hardy and he has no business being in the main event scene on RAW. Nope. Instead, the creative team figured they would take advantage of his legit broken hand by incorporating a cast angle in which Matt ran around crying and threatening a formal protest.
I'm not all that hard to please, people. If booked correctly, the cast angle could have gone over well but why was Hardy still mingling with midcarders!? Been there. Done that. Orton, Hunter & Cena can only wrestle so many times before fans resort to blowing their brains out. RAW's midcard is stacked enough. If they're booking fatal four way matches and six pack challenges all the damn time, I doubt they'll miss Hardy all that much. It's null and void now of course since Matt's intestines ****ing exploded through his abdominal wall during a match in late June but you get my drift. Hardy vows to win the World Heavyweight Championship one day but do you (and yes that's directed at the reader) truly believe him? If we've learned anything over the past couple of years, Matthew is in the wrong profession. He needs to start selling his organs for huge wads of cash before every one of them goes to ****
I'm not a perfect person, nor have I ever claimed to be. I've made a lot of mistakes in my now 19 years on the planet, and I'm sure my days of screwing up aren't over. Vince McMahon and World Wrestling Entertainment have also had their fair share of mistakes through the years, with one of their more interesting ones taking place as I type this. It's a storyline that isn't brand new to the world of professional wrestling, but the twist that has been put on it this time around is what's a bit questionable in my mind.
In one corner, you have the current World Heavyweight Champion, Jeff Hardy. In the other corner, you have the "Straight Edge Superstar", and former World Heavyweight Champion, CM Punk. Hardy, for those that are completely new to the world of pro wrestling, has had some pretty well-discussed battles with painkiller addiction, as well as some pretty well-speculated battles with other types of drugs. Punk, on the other hand, lives his life without any of the "vices" that others deal with.. he doesn' drink, he doesn't smoke, and he doesn't do drugs. They're very different people, who have made very different decisions in life, yet have an incredibly similar goal.. to be the absolute best at what they do for a living even though CM Punk is a thousand times better Jeff.
When I first read that there was a possibility of those two feuding with each other, I must admit that I cringed, because I had a nagging feeling that the storyline was going to take a wrong turn somewhere along the way, and that wrong turn looked to have finally taken place on Smackdown a mere four days ago with Jeff's in-ring promo to start off the show, as well as with Punk's "official" heel turn to end it.
I'm not a big fan of WWE's switch to a more kid-friendly product, but I absolutely understand the reasoning behind the change. With that said, however, I really have to question the intelligence of this storyline taking place, effectively making the man with the clean drug-free lifestyle a "bad guy", while praising the addict for being "unique". Without actually coming out and saying it, the point of Jeff Hardy's recent promos has basically been the following:
"I am who I am today because I make my own decisions in life, and I do the things that I want to do, not what society tells me I should and shouldn't do. Rules are always meant to be broken. Living your life like CM Punk is just boring, and you don't want any part of that."
Quite the dangerous line of thinking, especially considering the fact that, perhaps more than any other superstar in wrestling today, Jeff Hardy's fanbase has some mighty impressionable people in it considering it consists of mostly children and retards. Is that really the message we should be putting out there for them to learn from? Is that really how we want people to think? What about the parents that bring their kids to WWE shows and have to sit through Hardy/Punk promo exchanges? Something tells me they probably aren't too happy with their kids rooting for the addict and booing the guy whose only real "bad" trait is that he doesn't do drugs.
A little over five years ago, a somewhat similar storyline was taking place between then WWE Champion Eddie Guerrero and challenger Kurt Angle. That storyline was done beautifully, in my opinion, and it's something that should've been looked at by Jeff Hardy, CM Punk, the WWE writers, and anybody else in charge of decision making before the current story took place. Back then, Kurt was preaching to the fans about Eddie's well-publicized battles with drugs and alcohol, and how Eddie's past made him a poor choice to represent the Smackdown brand as its champion. Eddie, in response, admitted to his problems and would talk about how he made mistakes. Mistakes that he then spent years trying to fix. It got heel heat for Angle, but it also helped Guerrero's face heat, because he was the figure that "Joe Schmoe" could relate to.. someone who was human, made mistakes, but tried to grow from those mistakes and become a better human being from them. He told people not to be like him and make the decisions that he made.
More recently, we had a fantastic storyline between Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho that involved Shawn's past ways before he devoted his life to Christ and became a Born Again Christian. One of Jericho's main points of attack was that he felt HBK's changes were a "fraud" and that he hadn't actually left his "sinful" ways behind. Michaels spent his promos trying to distance himself from the "old" Shawn Michaels, and paint a picture of the "new" Shawn Michaels.. the man who became a follower of Christ, found the woman of his dreams, settled down, and started a family. He came across as a man who admitted to his mistakes, but found a way to atone for them, and is now as happy as he's ever been because of it.
Would it really be so difficult to get Jeff Hardy to come across as being somewhat apologetic for his past? I get that he's a bit of a "free spirit", and I get that his character has been built that way for years. However, he's only one step away from saying "Hey kids, do drugs and you can be just like me!" at this point. I have no idea how much of this is Jeff's doing compared to how much of this is the doing of the WWE writers and producers, but it's a strange similarity to Jeff not admitting that he has a problem and turning down offers to go to rehab. This could've been avoided, quite easily, if one of Jeff's first promos in this feud had him "man up" and try to distance himself from his past. At this point, after several weeks worth of promos, it might be too late to believably get that point across to everyone.
The one minor detail of how the company is handling Jeff's point of view is what has me worried about where things are headed.
Though his earthly existence had ceased to be, Owen's spiritual form projected itself into a new life form in a world unfamiliar to him. The transportation from body to body happened so quick, the young Hart hadn't even the chance to take in what had just happened. Not only was he unsure of how he had ended up in his current predicament, but it was also oblivious to the fact that his life in the world of the living was over. All he knew was that he was currently in the passenger seat of a van, and had no clue how he had gotten there.
Owen Hart: What the hell just happened? Where am I?
Jesus H. Christ: No time to explain. Can you shoot a gun?
Owen Hart: A gun? Are you serious?
Jesus H. Christ: Do I look ****ing serious?
Owen Hart: I don't know. I guess.
Jesus H. Christ: You guess? Great, I get stuck with a Goddamn partner who doesn't even know if he's coming or going. Well news flash mister; I'm the ****ing messiah, there's a loaded gun in the glove box and you're fixing to help me out because you have no choice.
Owen Hart: Help you do what? Better yet, how is it that you don't think I have a choice?
Jesus H. Christ: You are going to help me strike down my vengeance and you have no choice because you are dead. Anymore stupid questions or can we actually move ahead with business?
Owen Hart: Woah, dead? What do you mean I'm dead?
Jesus H. Christ: You know what, **** this.
Using his special "Jesus" power, Christ implants the knowledge of the accident and all the events leading up to the current situation in Owen's head.
Owen Hart: So you mean I died in the wrestling ring and I'll never see my family again?
Jesus H. Christ: Precisely.
Owen Hart: Also, now I'm stuck in some weird sort of limbo where me and you are some sort of buddy cop tandem?
Jesus H. Christ: Pretty much.
Owen Hart: Now you need my help in retrieving some sort of briefcase that was stolen from you.
Jesus H. Christ: We have a winner. Tell him what he's won.
Owen Hart: Wouldn't it make more sense for you to perform one of your "miracles" and just make the briefcase appear back in your hands?
Jesus H. Christ: Do I look like David Blaine to you? Do I look like I've covered in **** and just woke up from sleeping in a block of ice? I perform miracles not parlor tricks, this isn't some sort of slight of hand.
Owen Hart: So making a briefcase reappear doesn't constitute as a miracle?
Jesus H. Christ: I tell you what will be one hell of a miracle; you living to see another day. Oh wait a second, you already died numb nuts.
Owen Hart: Christ, for being the son of God you really are a son of a ****.
Jesus H. Christ: You know what, screw this noise. How about you shut your trap until we get where we are going?
Owen Hart: Whatever.
Jesus H. Christ: I think a little mood music will do the two of us some good.
Jesus pulls a CD out of the holder attached to his sun visor and puts it into his car's stereo.
After what seemed like hours of driving and riding in silence, Jesus stops the car. Apparently the duo had arrived at their destination....wherever that might be.
Jesus H. Christ: Alright, here's the plan. We are going to go into this house and get some answers out of the guy in here. He tends to be involved one way or another in all of the shady stuff that goes on around here. Don't worry though, guy is a low end goon and he won't pose any problem for us. If things get thick in there just kill em all and let my pop sort em out.
Owen Hart: If things get thick? Man, I don't think I'm the right guy for this search and destroy mission you got planned.
Jesus H. Christ: Relax home skillet, if I can turn water into wine just imagine what I can do with bullets. You'll be fine, just stay close to me. Now stop being such a **** and come on.
Owen Hart: I'm sorry, it's just I didn't expect you of all people to be some violent killing machine.
Jesus H. Christ: That's funny, because I didn't expect you to be such a prissy little ****. I guess that means expectations are for ****.
Owen Hart: Seriously man, you are like the biggest **** I've ever met in my life. Let's just get this **** over with because at this point I seriously doubt I even have a choice.
Jesus H. Christ: **** no you ain't got a choice, this is your eternity man. You can either spend it sitting here being a little turd Mcmuffin or you can kick in this door and **** the afterlife in it's face.
Owen Hart: If I don't?
Jesus H. Christ: Then I'll reincarnate you as one of Barbara Bush's pubic hairs.
Owen Hart: Fair enough. So let's get this party started.
Jesus and Owen approach the house and kick in the door. They are instantly greeted by two goons; presumably guards.
Guard # 1: Who the **** are you guys?
Jesus never even gives the second guard a chance to speak before he's shot both dead right in there track.
Owen Hart: Damn man, you just blew that dudes jaw right off.
Jesus H. Christ: Yeah I tend to make people's jaw hit the floor pretty often. Anyway let's find Greg and get the hell out of here.
Owen Hart: Greg? Who's Greg?
Jesus H. Christ: As in, Greg "The Hammer" Valentine.
Owen Hart: Why would he be stuck in the afterlife, he's very much still alive?
Jesus H. Christ: Believe me, his career died a long time ago. Now keep your eyes peeled and let's find him.
Jesus and Owen ransack the house in search of Greg Valentine, who apparently might know just where Jesus' stolen briefcase might be. Just as the two are about to give up hope Greg appears in the doorway behind them with a gun drawn.
Greg Valentine: Looking for someone?
Jesus and Owen turn around quickly, startled by the sudden intrusion.
Greg Valentine: I suggest you two put your guns down before I blow a hole through both of you.
Jesus H. Christ: Yeah, that'd be a fine plan. If I hadn't turned your bullets into dust.
Greg Valentine: Damn it Jesus, just for once can't you play fair.
Jesus H. Christ: Yeah, I'll start playing fair as soon as you do something with that ridiculous hair.
Greg Valentine: Fine, I'll tell you what you want to know and then you get the hell out of here.
Jesus H. Christ: I wouldn't have it any other way.
Greg Valentine: Your little briefcase got snapped by the Reaper brothers.
Jesus H. Christ: What would the Reaper brothers want with my briefcase?
Greg Valentine: They said they knew they'd be able to get your attention. Now I held up my end of the deal, now do the same and get the hell out of here.
Jesus H. Christ: Owen, let's go.
Owen and Jesus leave the residence of Greg Valentine and head out to retrieve the stolen briefcase.
Owen Hart: I got to admit, that was pretty slick the way you turned his bullets into dust.
Jesus H. Christ: I didn't turn his bullets to dust, he's just too stupid to check himself. It's amazing how often someone else's ignorance translates into a miracle.
Owen Hart: So you took a gamble with our lives?
Jesus H. Christ: No not really, just yours.
Owen Hart: Thanks for that.
Jesus H. Christ: Don't worry, you're already dead anyway it's not like it could get much worse for you. We got more pressing issues though, we need to go to the Reaper brothers' house.
Owen Hart: Who are the Reaper brothers?
Jesus H. Christ: Tim, Jim, and Grim.
Owen Hart: You don't mean.....
Jesus H. Christ: Yep, looks like we got a date with death.
SCENE MISSING!!!!!!!!HAHAHAHA
Owen Hart: I can't believe you did that to those guys. I mean you gutted them. I've never seen such carnage and gore in my life. You were a man possessed.
Jesus H. Christ: What can I say, I really needed to get my briefcase back.
Owen Hart: Speaking of which, what is in that briefcase anyway?
Jesus H. Christ: My bong.
Owen Hart: Are you serious?
Jesus H. Christ: Hell yeah man, this bong is my place of worship.
Owen Hart: So you killed those three brothers and Greg's guards over a bong?
Jesus H. Christ: Pretty much.
Owen Hart: That's just wrong on so many levels.
Jesus H. Christ: To hell with it, I died for their sins the least they can do is die for my bong. By the way for helping me out I got a little present for you.
Owen Hart: Oh yeah, what is it?
Jesus H. Christ: Touch your upper lip.
Owen Hart: What the hell? A mustache, you put me through all that **** and all I get is a mustache.
Jesus H. Christ: Yeah, but it's a pretty ****ing sweet mustache.
Now I know what you must be thinking, what the hell does any of this have to do with anything. Well let me explain. Lately I've grown a little frustrated with the direction of the "red brand" and this was my abstract way of proving a point. You see this blog had a lot in common with Raw as of late. It was overly self-indulgent focusing more on random entertainment than actual wrestling itself.
