I know this isn't about the WWE Superstars, but I thought I would let you all see it...Let me know what you think. (You will probably enjoy it more if you know a bit about Batman)

 If The Penguin Were Female... 

If The Penguin were female, she'd probably be me. The name's Penelope Halwind (it's not my birth name). I was raised in a trailer park. That should give you some good stereotypical images; all of them true, in my case anyway. I was not about to, as the song goes, "spend the rest of my life with my head hung down in shame." I did EVERYTHING my parents wouldn't, or wouldn't 'let me,' do. This however brought up a concern: finances.

Alas, I am not the svelte cat burglar one of my, I mean The Penguin's, biggest advisaries is. I am 4'11" (in thick-soled shoes) and, since it is unpopular for a woman to reveal her weight, let's just say I am ponderous. You may not be surprised how many trailer park rednecks will jump at the chance to bed anyone, and at the cost of everything of value they own. Including their lives if they doublecross me. See, many of them became my 'henchmen.' I paid them extremely well; anything they wanted. Money, girls, anything. For you see, I was after my own version of the brass ring.

While they stayed out of my way I made my own rounds of Society. I got into tapings of the most popular TV shows, movie sets, art galleries, etc. Then I met my Batman.

Out of all the phony Hollywood types I met I did not expect a simple "gold plated bachelor" to knock me for a loop. At first we just met at the parties of mutual acquaintances but I soon noticed he was watching me. What was his deal? Did he know about my past? I eventually got so angry I couldn't stand it anymore.

I followed him out of a party, pulled myself up to my full height and said "I would like a moment of your time, sir. Privately." He actually smiled and said I could name the time and place. He did have a nice smile...

"My penthouse. This Friday night."

"A date, Penelope?" he smirked. This ruffled my feathers. I replied with a curt ‘No. Sir.'

Friday came and I awaited his presence. When he showed up, well dressed as usual even though informal, he held a rose.

"I have noticed you watching me" I started as I accepted the rose. "Why? I have no notion of your having any intentions toward me. It is plain rude."

He looked around my place and right into my eyes. It was like he could see right through me. I was shocked by this and broke the contact, but not before noticing a sadness in his eyes. How much did he bloody know!?

"May I sit down." Yes, it was a statement. As in where were my manners?

"Well, yes, of course. I do pride myself on my civility. Would you care for a drink?"

We talked until dawn. About frivolities! I hadn't laughed that much in years, maybe ever. He asked to meet again. I said yes.

We met several times after that. The meetings became a highlight of my week. He was not like any other man I had known. He was really trying to be a friend. He even started calling me a cute nickname: Pigeon.

I became more and more worried he would find out about my secret life. I had even begun picking bird themed objects to steal. Before I could puzzle it all out he showed up one night outside a place I was robbing. There I was with my umbrella open against the rain, waiting for my henchmen to return, and I saw him looking right at me. He stopped coming over.

The fairy tale wasn't going to happen, and honestly I didn't care. I had changed however. I could not go on as deeply involved as I was in the underworld. So I bought myself a little cafe. After hours I still deal in stolen merchandise, for a nice profit. I even call it Pigeon's Place. Come in sometime for the house special: "The Bird of Paradise."