Well what do you know. Turns out your precious Superhero is nothing but a sore, sore loser. And once again he had to use cheap trickery to get one over on us… Quelle surprise! Well, Gregory. This is it. No more mindgames, no more second chances. Time to own up to your real identity. And next time we won’t be so kind or so trusting. Seeing as you are too proud to own up to your shortcomings, pay for your losses and take your punishment like a man, it seems we will be forced to use force (haha see how I repeat words for fun..?) to finally strip off that ridiculous mask you have been hiding behind and expose you to the world for what you are. Just a nerd in a stupid green leotard who, in order to escape the harsh reality of his miserable, ordinary existence, dreams of saving the world... Well it’s time to wake up. Gregory!
On a positive note: I was deeply amused by the way Chris Jericho waltzed in on ECW, took over the show and humiliated our totally irrational airhead GM in a particularly vicious bout of verbal sparring. To be fair, the odds were stacked against her on this one… After all, Chris Jericho is the voice of reason, a highly eloquent speaker with an extensive vocabulary- a walking dictionary quasi (just like my good self…)! And poor little Tiff Tiff can barely string a sentence together. No wonder she got to huffing and a puffing- and, in a fit of rage, made Our Saviour face the Bedazzled-Tracksuit-ed One. A pathetic attempt at saving face and regaining some of her authoritory…
As for the big extravaganza this weekend, Bragging Rights, although ECW, undoubtedly the best of the three WWE brands, is not represented (go figure…) I do feel compelled to comment on some of the matches:
Orton vs Cena. All I can say is: I pity the fool. John Cena. He really has no clue what he has let himself in for… And obviously no idea what Randy the Beautiful is capable of... In short, he’d better start thinking about which brand he would like to join as of next week, seeing that if he should lose his match- sorry, my mistake, after he loses his match this Sunday, he will have to leave RAW. My question is- who will be charitable enough to take hime in? I certainly hope he does not make it to ECW. He’ll only try and gobble us all up with that big jaw of his…
The Fatal Four Way. Let me just state for the record that I am not particularly sympathetic towards any of those four guys. The Undertaker- all kinds of wrong for obvious reasons. His freakish persona not withstanding- this man will literally step over bodies to get his way. No moral backbone. Does not play fair. On the other hand when it comes to CM Punk, whilst I do have some admiration for his integrity, it is unfortunate that his entire world view is based on a big fat lie. He suffers from that common misconception that your ability to deprive yourself of worldly pleasures makes you a better person... All I can say is- Punk- you are missing out. And lastly Rey Mysterio and Batista- I can tell you now with 100% certainty that neither of them will walk out of there as the new Champion. Those two will be far too busy snuggling in the corner… cultivating that little mancrush they have on each other… keeping the bromance alive… Now as cute as that is, there is a time for peace, love and happiness- and it’s not inside a wrestling ring. Altogether ludicrous.
And where do I stand on the Miz vs. Morrisson debate? Miz all the way. He is AWESOME!
So which team will win this Sunday night: Blue or Red…? Answer: Who gives a hoot. It’s an absurd concept. A moot point. After all, RAW and SmackDown are both fantastic- but ECW is fantasticker! That’s all.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009, 08:21 PM EST
[General]
Short and Snappy Tales of Greatness
by Katie Lea
So. Another disastrous episode of ECW.
Sorely missed: Abraham Washington and his critically acclaimed show- which meant ECW was off to a bad start before it had even started. Although, luckily, Christian had the presence of mind (well everyone has to have one good thing right..?) to bring Tony Atlas out onto the stage so we could at least feast our ears on that ridiculous chuckle.
Sorely missed: Yours Truly. Which meant ECW went from bad to worse...
We began our dizzy stumble down the slippery slope of awfulness with the big return of our bimbo airhead GM Tiff Tiff. Mistake number one. Here we have somebody whom I have witnessed even before her accident struggling with the concept of a simple crossword puzzle- now, just one week after getting her pretty little head knocked all silly, she is let back into the high-powered job of running one of the most exciting, action-packed shows on TV today, ECW! Does anyone else see a problem with that..? It would be better if she had stayed home nursing her injuries and her poor little clouded brain and left the important decisions to someone with class, intelligence, integrity... someone like William Regal for example who after all has plenty of experience filling that role.
To add insult to injury the shocker of the night came when Tiff Tiff a.k.a. Sparrow Brain decided that Regal (probably in a fit of jealousy over his formidable performance in her stead last week) should face that little Japanese guy, Mr. Thank-You-Very-Much. Bile collected in my stomach as I watched him happily jump up and down following his big 'win'- what injustice, what a perfect horror, what a scam! Now I know that I was not the only one to notice that Mr. Regal's foot was clearly underneath the rope as he was 'pinned' for the final '1-2-3'... I can only assume that the referee was bribed by the little cretin. Disgusting.
The only saving grace was Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kolslov a.k.a. the Human Tanks winning their match against Goldust and Dreamer... But even that small triumph was later ruined for me when the two big Dumbos took it upon themselves to cost Zach Ryder the win against Christian.
And so the moral of the story is: don't let a blonde bimbo airhead extraordinaire behind the wheel of a motorized vehicle! Things will turn sour in an instant.
Goodbye my loyal minions... until next time...
Live the beautiful nightmare.
Katie Lea.
P.S. Yoshi Tatsu- quit constantly thanking everyone already!! It's not cute.
Well Tiff Tiff you finally did it this time. You really did a number on yourself. Bravo. Have I told you lately that you are an airhead..? No offence but you just made an enemy of someone who would be extremely dangerous to you even as your best friend: My brother Paul. You have been fooled because so far he has kept his cool. Played the nice guy. Been a team playa (pun intended... Teddy!). But things are about to break down and get very, very ugly. Tiffany, when you so arrogantly dismissed Paul on ECW last week... you un-wittingly (that means you have no wit! Haha!) created a big problem for yourself. You don't know it yet but you just unleashed... the Ripper. And as you will see, your stupidity will have its price...
On to the greatly heralded 'return of the Peep Show'... Ok, I'm all for talk shows but this was nothing but a pathetic display of misguided enthusiasm. Christian, let me give you some good advice here. When you have a guest on your talk show you are supposed to ask him questions. Of an informative, perhaps controversial nature; have some fun chat, resolve some issues. But nooo, not you! All you could think to do was to humiliate the man you yourself cheated out of the ECW Heavyweight Championship! Now aside from the fact that humiliating someone in front of millions of people (no we're not all your 'peeps') watching on TV is simply not nice. It was also futile, useless, moot! Because... turns out that contrary to popular opinion a lisp is a not unattractive feature in a man. And lisp or no the sad thing is, Christian... there is one thing that Jack has that you could not in you wildest dreams ever hope to imitate or aspire to: tha Swagger!
And last but certainly not least... let's find time to quickly mention... Dolph Ziggler and his well-deserved (and formidably executed, may I add) win against Silly Wang Yang. Now everybody knows I luuurve Cowboys, lurve 'em, can't get enough... But... not this one. Sorry, but he is just too silly. Luckily Dolph told him where to... line-dance! And of course the Great Khali had to ruin it all by strutting down the ramp like a bee-stung hippo, interrupting the celebration in very un-gentlemanly fashion... Now whereas I understand he is a little bitter about the chair incident the previous week, he needs to understand that all's fair... in love, war and preserving the physical health of the one... the only... the beautiful... Dolph Ziggler.
That's it for today guys... and all there is left to say is: Woo woo woo!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009, 10:25 AM EST
[General]
Short and Snappy Tales of Greatness
By Katie Lea
New Year's Resolution #1: check. I could say I told you so. The little dancing hippie they call Alicia is history as far as I'm concerned. So I beat her to a pulp and that makes me now- the undefeated albeit yet untitled ECW Women's Champion! Technically. Next in line..? Well I guess there is only the Tiff; a.k.a. blonde bimbo airhead extraordinaire. Look forward to that one.
That aside, I will admit that things have gone a little downhill for me in ECW since my grande victoire, i.e. it would seem that my latest assignments have been limited to my beautiful self getting chased by various mythical creatures. First Boogeyman then, shock of shocks, the green grotesque a.k.a. Hornswoggle... I wonder what they will think of next. Maybe a Pixie..? (I love Pixies! Both cat-like and Matt-like...) Or perhaps Goldust? (Now that might actually be fun!) But before we all die laughing I want to make one thing perfectly clear. It has been implied to me that during these incidents there may have been a certain level of fear involved on my part... Wrong! Ludicrosity!! That was not a look of terror you saw on my face. Fear? I do not know the meaning of the word. If you had seen but deep into my eyes you would have discovered nothing but disgust and infinite contempt. Please. Katie Lea Burchill is not afraid of anything, least of all some illusionary demon or grubby-faced dumpling... And as for supposed-hard-man Finlay- he should be ashamed of himself. Making that pint-sized half-wit he calls his son do his dirty work- using the poor thing to enable a questionable win over my brother Paul... It's pathetic. If everyone only had the guts to play fair once in a while, Tuesday night would have seen a very different outcome.
Moving swiftly on to something completely different and entirely more pleasurable... First of all, anyone who is clever enough to read my blog here on WWE Universe will know how sharp-witted I am; now in addition to that, anyone who has been clever enough to check out the RAW live blog on Monday nights (and I can see that that may or may not exclude some of my avid readers) has been able to experience first hand how quick my sharp little tongue is also. This Monday for example I had the pleasure of not only slamming poor little Tiffany in the affairs of verbal war, but once again had the opportunity of going back and forth with the legendary Howard Finkel, also an ardent supporter of the live blog... Now I know y'all (haha, what an Americanism! How witty, how ironic!!) think I'm evil... but I can recognize greatness when I see it (this is just a small part of my inherent cleverness), and so I have to, on some levels, bow down to the great-brained master that is the Fink... And yet- turns out I can out-think him!! That is why I am respectfully encouraging him to let sleeping demons lie and step down from his 'live out-think' challenge. For the sake of his honour (that is how you spell it in English..!). I would not want to be tainted with the dishonour (see above...) of embarrassing him terribly...
A quick random thought on the Royal Rumble: I was awfully disappointed that neither The Brian Kendrick nor my wild guess pick #27 (in my eternal wisdom I picked that number without even knowing it was representative of my mainman Dolph Ziggler..!) were certain to snag the win. Unfortunately, I was let down yet again.
And a side note: Applications to join my Army of Boys are no longer accepted. The project has been put on hold indefinitely. Now I know this is heart-breaking for a lot of you- and I would apologize, but I really don't care.
Live blog forever! Dolph Ziggler for GM of RAW!
See you on the flipside...
The One and Only. Often imitated, never surpassed.
Well, well, well aren't we glad Christmas is over.... Weeks of prolonged unbearable jolly-ness followed by three whole days of forced smiles and more amped-up jolly-ness... Pathetic. In the plus column though, I did get some pretty good gifts including but not limited to:
A life-sized JBL action figure.
A case of Mamajuana.
A DVD of Goldust reading the entire Dr Seuss collection back to back...
So I guess now it's time to move on to New Years Resolutions... Traditionally this is a time for those strange little creatures called human beings to reflect on their flaws and make a list of areas to improve themselves on... Seeing as I am not only unquestionably perfect but go above and beyond to charm and fascinate, I traditionally skip this step; but I have set aside some goals for 2009 which are:
Work for JBL. Surely a blind man can see that having mouse-faced grumpy-man Shawn Michaels in JBL's corner is eventually going do him more harm than good. I predict that the 'Kid' (..?) will snap one day turning things pretty ugly for everyone involved... I would think (and I'm good at thinking), that it would be a far better option for JBL to have a virile and beautiful young woman by his side, willing to do absolutely anything he asks of her... Needless to say, I have sent in my application.
Go on a date with Dolph Ziggler (and find out whether all those rumors about him are true...).
Beat up Little Miss Saturday Night Fever. She wants to be known as The Foxy One but in reality she is barely comparable to a Dancing Daisy... For although she is as unnecessary as the well-known battery-operated back-up gift, she does not have the charm.
So as you can see I am determined to make the New Year an inherently successful one. And speaking of which, I do know that the question on everyone's lips is... How do I feel about getting involved in ECW..? Well, naturally I am EXTREMEly excited. Hahahaha, what a joke, a hilarious joke! Seriously though. I am. Ready to unleash my demon, to finally let him roam free and spread his wings causing chaos and destruction everywhere. Or should that be decadence and disorder..? Either way, this is going to be fun...
