Short and Snappy Tales of Greatness

By Katie Lea

Well, well, well aren't we glad Christmas is over....   Weeks of prolonged unbearable jolly-ness followed by three whole days of forced smiles and more amped-up jolly-ness...  Pathetic.  In the plus column though, I did get some pretty good gifts including but not limited to:

• A life-sized JBL action figure.
• A case of Mamajuana.
• A DVD of Goldust reading the entire Dr Seuss collection back to back...

So I guess now it's time to move on to New Years Resolutions...  Traditionally this is a time for those strange little creatures called human beings to reflect on their flaws and make a list of areas to improve themselves on...  Seeing as I am not only unquestionably perfect but go above and beyond to charm and fascinate, I traditionally skip this step; but I have set aside some goals for 2009 which are:

• Work for JBL.  Surely a blind man can see that having mouse-faced grumpy-man Shawn Michaels in JBL's corner is eventually going do him more harm than good.  I predict that the 'Kid' (..?) will snap one day turning things pretty ugly for everyone involved...  I would think (and I'm good at thinking), that it would be a far better option for JBL to have a virile and beautiful young woman by his side, willing to do absolutely anything he asks of her... Needless to say, I have sent in my application.
• Go on a date with Dolph Ziggler (and find out whether all those rumors about him are true...).
• Beat up Little Miss Saturday Night Fever.  She wants to be known as The Foxy One but in reality she is barely comparable to a Dancing Daisy...  For although she is as unnecessary as the well-known battery-operated back-up gift, she does not have the charm. 

So as you can see I am determined to make the New Year an inherently successful one.  And speaking of which, I do know that the question on everyone's lips is...  How do I feel about getting involved in ECW..?  Well, naturally I am EXTREMEly excited.   Hahahaha, what a joke, a hilarious joke!  Seriously though.  I am.  Ready to unleash my demon, to finally let him roam free and spread his wings causing chaos and destruction everywhere.  Or should that be decadence and disorder..?  Either way, this is going to be fun... 

And so in that spirit...  Bring on 2009!!

Enjoy.  Katie Lea. 

Short and Snappy tales of Greatness

By Katie Lea

Welcome to a very special edition of my endlessly entertaining, super-articulate and never less than magnificent blog. Today we are talk-ing about-ing Cyber Sunday ... Because everyone is. And seeing as the vote has been placed in your guys' incapable hands and I know you are going to need some help with this ... Allow me to use my superior insight to be your guide, your counselor!

WWE Championship:  Triple H vs. Jeff Hardy, Vladimir Kozlov or both

Are you really asking me this? Come on, the more the merrier! The only thing more fun than two boys getting physical with each other is three boys getting physical with each other- n'est pas..?

Undertaker vs. Big Show:  You choose the type of match... 

Well, I for one am a big fan of humiliation, and what could be more humiliating than to hear The Deadman utter the immortal (nice pun, eh... you like that..?) words ‘I quit'..?!

Tag Team match:  Jamie Noble and Mickie James vs. Regal and Layla, Miz and Morrison vs. Cryme Tyme or Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase (a.k.a. the Champs a.k.a. the Priceless Ones a.k.a. the Young Studs) vs. CM Punk and Kofi Kingston

Everyone knows how I feel about the MJ, so my vote goes to Regal and Layla to unleash unparalleled rage and destruction on her and Jamie. No further explanation needed.

World Heavyweight Championship:  Chris Jericho vs. Batista; choose the special guest referee: "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, HBK or Randy Orton

I know what you all are thinking ...  This is our only chance to see "Stone Cold" Steve Austin again, so let's get him in for old time's sake, we miss him, etc. etc. etc ...  I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you are sa-a-a-ad. I mean, yes, sure, he's been gone for a while, but there's a reason for that. Out with the old, in with the new-  that's what I always say! If anything, give me more Haas-tin...

The second choice, the ‘Heartbreak Kid' Shawn Michaels, isn't much better ... Seriously, do they still call him ‘Kid'...? Nevertheless, I will admit that it ‘Breaks my Heart' (see how that works..?) that he still needs to be lurking around; and more than anything I'm tired of the moping and the constant boo-boo face ...  So let me address this little problem here directly:  Shawn, please, please, please, for the love of God (no offense intended...) find your bloody smile already!! We know you're miserable. You've been miserable for a while now. It's time to get over it and move on.

So it's pretty apparent that for any civilized person in their right mind (and I can see that this may or may not exclude you guys ...) there can only be one choice: Randy Orton. Because he is beautiful.

Matt Hardy vs. Evan Bourne, Mark Henry or Finlay

I really don't give an Aylesbury who the Hardy-I-am-not-dating faces to be honest. Although I would enjoy seeing Mark Henry getting another go at squishing the boy to a gammy mess ...  Alternately, I might find just as much amusement in Matt Hardy squishing either the midget or the pixie. You can work out for yourselves who I'm referring to. But please, try not to strain your brain cell...

Rey Mysterio vs. Kane:  You choose the type of match

Again, I really don't care. As long as the midget gets squished.

Intercontinental Championship:  Santino Marella vs. Roddy Piper, Honky Tonk Man or Goldust.

First of all, I have no space on my TV screen for the pseudo-Scotsman. A Canadian in a kilt does not do it for me. And to add insult to injury I can tell you now with 100 percent certainty that the Rowdy One wears pants underneath ... A complete travesty. 

Honky- well, no, my Elvis-fetish doesn't reach that far. He's doing the washed-up version and that was never going to be good enough to charm me (and I am easily charmed..!). 

No, there really is only one man out of the three that whom I admire for his flair, flamboyance and ability to fascinate. Without a shadow of a doubt, Goldust is the man (?) for me.

Diva Halloween Contest: 

Everybody knows there is not one Diva in WWE who can compete with my beauty, intellect and mysterious intrigue.  Who to vote for??  There is no question therefore no answer needed...

One more piece of advice whilst I'm on a roll: 

Just say no to Monogamy. And helloooo to Cowboys..! 

Fabulous, darling...  

I gotta go. My mind is slipping.  

Katie Lea. 

  Short and Snappy tales of Greatness

By Katie Lea

Okay so first things first....  How about that JBL impression on Monday night courtesy of the artist formerly known as Charlie Haas...  Now everyone knows how I feel about JBL (yes, I luuurve him...) but respect to Charlie for having the balls and to be honest...  It was reasonably accurate and somewhat amusing.  Nonetheless I was saddened that JBL refrained from unleashing that pure unadulterated hatred that shone so clearly out of his cold, blue eyes...  To see ‘CHL' reduced to a little pile of misery right there in the middle of the ring for all to gawk at...  Now that would have been real funny.  And speaking of the infamous Mamajuana (see mamajuanaextreme.com!)-  of course, I did insist on receiving my free sample and let me just say...  Actually, no, I can't really talk about it here.  PG and all that...

Moving swiftly on...  I thoroughly enjoyed Mr. William Regal beating the living dawg **** out of that little twerp Jamie Noble.  Haha laughed Hook, hihi laughed Smee! Now that's what I call a show!  Being one of the most intelligent people I know, if there is one thing I can't stand it is stupidity....  And let's face it, going in against Mr. Regal one more time was probably the most stupidest thing (and yes, I know that's grammatically wrong, I have an education..!) anybody ever could have done...  And for what?  To impress an unimpressable (yup, I know...) silly wee lassie.   To be fair, Layla is a hottie; I mean none of us in our right minds would kick her off the side of our bed....  But of course trying to woo her was always going to be a futile endeavor on Jamie's behalf.  Needless to say the better man won and luckily Layla, being a sharp little thing, walked out with not only the better man but her integrity intact and her morals firmly in the grey area where they belong.  Although for a second I was a little concerned when I saw her glance back at Jamie with perhaps a twinge of regret...  Layla, I will tell you once and never again:  regret and compassion fall in the same category as relationships:  they're for losers!!  Such as, for example... Jamie Noble!  Not to mention the fact that he's a midget.  But then again, you are a midget too, so I guess that makes you soul mates or something.  My most handsomest brother (yes, there we go again...) pointed out to me that Jamie is ugly as sin...  Well, of course I disagree.  Jamie is just ugly.  Sin on the other hand is beautiful...

Well, I gotta be off.  My Army of Boys won't gather itself. 

Sayonara bastiches!

Katie Lea (beautiful as sin, infamous like Mamajuana...).

Short and Snappy tales of Greatness

By Katie Lea

Sooo  who'd have thunk it...  Mike Adamle as the new General Manager of RAW..? I have to admit, despite my near uncanny ability to put 4 and 3 together (why should it always be 2 and 2?  Let some other numbers have a chance!), which usually allows me to perfectly predict the most complex of situations...  Certainly not me!  

Still, I absolutely must pat myself on the back and point out how clever I it was of me to make that statement even before the big announcement was made.  What cunning, what inherent foresight!!  Not only that, but beating up Mickie James (again!) was a lot of fun (again!) and doing it right there in front of her Daddy...  Nice touch.  -No, scrap that, actually the words ‘sheer genius' describe the situ better, if I may say so myself (and I may- as this is my blog!  Hooray!!)...

And for all the haters out there... in the light of everything Mike Adamle might not be such a bad choice.  He already made some pretty decent decisions on last week's Monday Night RAW, and this was only his first day in power..! That aside- for me personally, I realize I should be able to use this new state of affairs to nothing but my advantage.  Why?  Well, let's just say I have always found him somewhat susceptible to my charms...  Watch this space.

Btw, yes, I am acutely aware of the fact that I haven't been on here for a little while and I know whilst some of you are scratching your head or just quietly wondering where I've been all this time, others of you are devastated, crying yourself to sleep at night; bravely clinging to the hope and dream that I reappear and fill your mindless minds and empty lives with more of my eloquent, sophisticated and highly enlightening thoughts...   Well luckily for all of you I'm back and truth is: I've just been busy.  Things to do, sins to commit, boys to chase...  And no, the real reason is not that I am hanging my head in shame because I have yet to make good on my promise that I will be the next WWE women's champion.  As you all know (well you might not but let's just assume for now) Rome wasn't built in a day and I am still on schedule to deliver.  To quote one of my unsung heroes:  ‘My hat is still in the ring and I'm determined to win!'

So yeah, watch out Mickie...  Shmickie...!  I think I have made it abundantly clear by now that it is in your best interest not to underestimate me.  Sincerely, I really do hope you're Daddy enjoyed the show...  Any questions!? 

Patience is one of the seven deadly virtues.  Don't believe the lies.  Good things will never come to you, so you'd better just take them- or some body else will.

Live evil.  Always and forever.

Katie Lea.

 Short and Snappy Tales of Greatness

by Katie Lea

Katie Lea - 2, Mickie James - 0!!   Hahaha!  How about the look on Mickie's face when I beat her 1,2,3 in the middle of the ring... for the second time..!?  In the words of an unsung hero (a.k.a. Teddy Jr. who, in case anyone reading this has been living under a rock for the past few weeks, is the son of Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase, the latest addition to the RAW roster and yes, he has been voted ‘eye candy of the month'...) it could only be described as ‘priceless'...  It's obvious hers is the only sorry carcass that is not looking forward to ‘Night of Champions' where I will become, rightfully and officially the WWE's very first British Women's Champion...

Regarding Mr. Kennedy... I don't want to be bringing up old and tired clichés about battles and wars, so suffice it to say we are only just getting started!  Let me remind you...  Whatever Katie wants, Katie always gets.  And right now, what I want is Mr. Kennedy.  Taken.  Out.  One thing's for certain:  Mr. Kennedy will feel our wrath... 

And speaking of conspiracies: As if by magic I just disappeared from the Power 25...  I don't think I need to even mention this is a gross oversight.  I feel slighted.   How can Natalya have a place and I be omitted when her only claim to fame is competing for a title that does not even exist yet!!  Well I can tell you now with 100% certainty I will be back and there will be no rest for the wicked when it comes to climbing that ladder right to the very top.  How can I fail once I carry the prestigious gold around my waist..? Add to that my brother Paul, strong and ruthless, ready to fulfill my every need and desire- there can be no doubt in anyone's mind that my infamy and power will soon grow to previously unimaginable heights... 

Believe the hype.  Count down the days, the hours the minutes. 

On June 29^th at ‘Night of Champions' history will be made...

Love me.  Katie Lea.